You are a lighthouse
leading me to shore

when the ocean tries
to consume me

you reach out your hand
and pull me up above

the waves

we will sit in the sand
building castles like children

a thousand pieces of glass
shattered but rebuilt

into palaces that we
can one day call home

they say the things you lose
come back to you, one day

but I lost them for a reason,
shed my skin like a snake

and if those things find me, again

I’ll ******* burn those bridges
remorselessly, again

I’m old enough to understand
why the seasons of my life must pass
the way they do,

Spring came bursting
with daffodil promise,
and the cries of lambs
signifying rebirth,

Summer was messy;
mistakes were made in love,
men that didn’t deserve
to call themselves men,
scorching black rings
around my heart,

Autumn was best;
as I shed the burnt orange leaves
of pain and left myself bare
to the elements, standing strong
and proud. Unshakable.

I approach the winter of my life
with apprehension; though I am not
afraid to die. I will enjoy the snow,
the sound as it is crushed underfoot.
I will reflect on my loves and losses,
for I have had my share of both,
and enter the last breath of my life
with no regrets

I am counting down the days
until I can see you again

each square on the calendar
a gift to open, springing
longing from the present
into the future  

as we draw nearer to a time
where we can hold hands
and gaze out across the river

its shimmering blue surface
as perfect as if it were painted
and us, painted too

lovers entwined
in a sweet embrace
hands and lips
and eyes locking
tight

a blissful reunion
of the heart

You’re just a body
between me and the stars

an inconvenience
of flesh

a bundle of nerves
that don’t touch me
like lightning
anymore

and I don’t even
miss you

you’re just another
hopeless dreamer

but I don’t share your dreams
now my dreams reach higher

to the stars

It’s dangerous to love you,

a fire burning without end,
a sea rising, threatening to
engulf everything I ever
stood for

I am prey to to the voices
in my head, that whisper
in their dizzy innocence
of “love”

but to find it in you
will cause chaos in my heart,
my soul torn in two
as I choose between
the path of devotion
in the face of overwhelming
odds

or the path of
loneliness

In summer,
we wait for the green leaves
to turn brown

the rolling motion
of our lives, trapped
in the changing of
the seasons

we wait, we wait

for the crisp mornings to dawn,
and afternoons with hands
wrapped around steaming
mugs of tea

deep conversations
across kitchen tables
at 3am - waiting for the
world to wake

be certain what you
wish for, is not just the end
of that terrible sensation
of prickling heat
on flesh

The only beautiful thing I have ever seen

is the reflection of my eyes in yours

(and you broke the mirror)

seven years bad luck

(for both of us)

I let my heart take over

when you kissed me
when your fingers lightly
brushed the skin on
my back

it was foolish
to believe you were
different from every
other man I'd ever met

to think that you would not
run the tires of your car
over my heart

drive over everything
I'd built my dreams around
my hopes of a future
filled with loving kisses
and tearful goodbyes

in one reckless
hit and run

tonight
we drink the stars
toasting the moon
bodies entwined
like barbed wire
in the darkness
eager hands
striking out
there's hate now
where there once
was love
but a spark of
kindness remains
and a spark is
all it takes to
ignite a fire
and our love
will explode
like a supernova
into the infinite
universe of
nothingness

as poets,
we carved our hearts
out of pencil and
ink,

every drop of feeling
was a metaphor,

every echo of "I love you"
had been written
before,

how on Earth could we
ever learn how to exist
in reality?

for our passions
to become more
than a dance
on a page,

to feel and not knee-
**** into action
over our laptops
at 4am...

but I loved you,
and not for my page
or pen or protagonist,

but for your pencil -
sketched heart

that I dreamt of
filling in red

I watch the hours pass
so slowly,
time playing tricks on my mind,
each one as uneventful as the last
as nothing happens,
not ever

in this waking sleep,
this corseted grip on time
as darkness descends again
the ever watchful night,

trying to take me into its home
to place me amongst the stars

and God have I wished for that,
to be forever starlight

to be part of the darkness that engulfs me,
instead of overwhelmed by its force

but I dare not take that razor
that smooth, silver blade
itself glistening with light

so for my weakness, I am ****** to an eternal hell
as I watch the hours pass
so slowly, that they barely move at all

The first days of Spring are out,

I run through the woods
weaving in and out
of the trees

kicking up
green leaves
and the heads
of yellow flowers

I like to think that you're
still chasing me

one night you didn't
come home and I knew,
somehow, that you
were gone for good

we used to play
here, before
the winter came,

we'd sit for hours
reading each other

writing love letters
with sticks
and stones

my skirt catches
on a branch
and throws me
back, back
to that night
and I remember
that now it's
just me and
the trees
for company

Violet skies like Elizabeth’s eyes

we are children of midnight

skipping through moondust

the stars, our breadcrumbs

littered behind us, leading us

home

to the constellation’s root

the beating, burning heart of

the sun

they whisper to me at night,
the voiceless, Godless ones

electricity shoots through me,
the current ricochets between my spine

dead winter flowers waiting for the Spring,
growing again in the April rain

and when the water hits
this compressed bolt of lightning,

these voices too, shall sing again

Standing on the river bank,
looking down into the murky ripples of time,
ebbing away from me as I stare deeper,
I crunch leaves beneath my feet,
their brown and orange skin separates and sticks to the soles of my shoes,
a surprisingly strong autumn sun warms my face
and my heart,
a rare scene of peace and tranquillity
that soothes my soul
a moment of calm to contrast the
chaos in my mind,
and my spirit lifts into the sky,
at one with the unseen stars

even a dying rose
has the lingering sense
of being something beautiful

does a broken heart
have the lingering sense
of being whole?

Your eyes are soft in the morning
Like dew

Wet with the sorrow of the goodbyes
Of the night before

Your smile echoes in the faces of everyone around me
I can’t look at anyone anymore

Without thinking of you

A memory stirred like sugar lumps
Sweet and sickly

In the bottom of the cup of my heart

In Spring we dreamed of
flowers, yellows and oranges
and fresh grass, green
with envy for the
Summer

We held hands and
kissed along beaches
whispering secrets
against sunsets
on sand that burnt
the spaces between
our toes

It's November now
and we don't look
at each other,
our backs pressed
together, the outline
of our misery
blazing, racing the
flames of the
bonfire

I was dreading the winter,
the stale smell of Christmas fairies
that have lived in the attic
all year

I knew that if you left
then
I wouldn't follow you
out into the snow

I cling my arms
around your shoulders
like tinsel, draped
and static, falling
flecks of colour

I couldn't think
of a present so
instead I wrapped
myself, tight,
against the frost
that threatened
our future

swallowed down
all the things you did
that made my skin
scream, forgave
myself for drifting
away from you
and decided
to stay

by your side

as you poured whiskey
into the expensive glasses
we were saving

(not the cheap ones
we smashed against
walls)

touched drinks

and sat

with my head fitting
(a little too tightly)
into the crook
of your arm

we are stardust
scattered across the night
sky

our love as fickle as
midnight

hearts as cold as the
moon

we are all made of
particles

of memory

that can never
reoccur

I am forever

searching

for the things I’ve lost

whilst looking in the wrong

places

we still have time

for one more cigarette
over coffee at breakfast

for one more glass of cheap
red wine in the evening

for one more conversation at 4am

for one more kiss at midnight

for one more letter
we’re too afraid to send

we still have time

but the clock is chasing us down
like a reaper

we must be quick
before we don’t have any time

at all

If you were thunder
I’d listen at my windows
as they shake

and deep down inside
I’d feel that roar
and something
would stir to its call

If you were lightning
I’d stick my chest out to the sky
hoping for you to strike my heart

that bolt reviving an *****
long dead to the world
creating live in me again

when you are a storm
my body rides it out
powerfully in tune
with its eye

Forever

I never said it, but I felt it,
with every fibre of my being,
every hair on my arm
and cell of my skin

I know you didn’t,
and that’s okay, too

we are not equals in love
nor are we meant to be

I taste love
in the whiskey
that we share
to warm our blood
on this freezing
December night

my throat burning
with lust and
longing, our hands
touching, flickering
in the embers of a
dying fire

the stars a mirror
of our kisses,
echoing back
to us the passion
that we feel
rising in our
souls

the ocean will always answer you, they say;
so I carve a spot on the beach to lie on and

                            listen                          ­    

the red wine is flowing between my lips
dutch courage for the things I'm frightened I'll

                             hear

the water is waking up, gentle and soft
it wraps itself a noose that nobody can see

                          except me

the rope belongs to an anchor. I am anchored to my
grief, for sure, and soon I shall be anchored to the

                         ocean floor

forever. A burial at sea, with no witnesses or mourners.
It's not lonely, for the ocean spoke to me.

                         It spoke to me.

I slip away into dreams
of when we were together

into memories of
your touch upon my skin

scorching as starlight
and just as beautiful

doubting myself,
I walk through the roads of regret

until I reach
your outstretched hand

and know that I have found
my home

in your arms I am infinite

the electricity of your touch

reverberates
through my spine

shocking my heart into
beating again

a frozen pulse, thawed

you breathed live into
me

when it seemed
an impossible feat

sins cast
like shadows
skulking in
corners
waiting to
pounce on
unsuspecting souls
we are the
undergrowth
of a forest
earth deep
with secrets
and the sound
of the voiceless
ones

These scars have secrets

that threaten to bleed over

everything that you hold dear

in order to get you to hear

(me)

I've hid the way I felt about you
for too long

my heart burning in my chest
with the embers of feelings
I have burnt

my breath catching in my throat
with the ashes of the words
I can never say

I am a ghost of who I was

pieces of me splintering away
like wood

my arms heavy with embraces
that can never be felt

my eyes clouded over with emotion
that can never be shown

It is not enough to say "I love you"
when my soul is a shadow

hiding what can never be known

midnight murmurs

trees sparkling silver under the moon

the stars are whispering your name

to me

as I lie motionless, miles from sleep

I start to doubt what is, what was

between us

reality or dream?

the night offers no answers

just echoing silence

across the vast universe of
loveless longing

we are children of the moon
but the sun is relentless
and we cannot fight
the light

we quiver under its rays
as we frantically drink moonbeams
trying to reflect the heat
back into the sky

as we anxiously await the night
where we can hide and cool
down our skin

with only the gentle stars as
company

my cold heart
keeps on beating

my dark eyes
keep on seeing

my wrecked soul
keeps on growing

like a sunflower
turning like a head

towards the sun

I am
a seed

planted in rotten soil
blooming despite

the poison

there is a sense of longing
a sense that you do not quite fit in

anywhere

that you have no home
no roots

you are wandering in a forest
of indifference

the world hostile faces of
the strangers that you meet

with wild, frightened eyes

yet you do not run

you stand firm
and plant your roots

where you are

starting from scratch

a beautiful mosaic
of chaos

and fire

when you wrap your arms
around me

they feel like prison bars

I am confined, tight, to your
body

and there is no way to
break out

there is a heaviness in my chest
as you pull me closer

I am screaming, running around
the bottom of my cage like a

frantic, frightened bird

(must I learn to sing?)

People will gasp
when you show them
your heart

shocked that it still beats
beneath all of its bruises

let them wonder

let them stare

forever be a mystery

to unblemished mortals

as you fly, my darling
as you soar

a million stars could not spell the word

love

with the conviction that I feel it

the shadow of a smile in the dark

the brush of your fingerprints on my spine

and your heart, the hook of home

I wonder what we will have
to show for our love
when we die

(Will we even die together?)

a handful of daisies
that are weeds to some
but never to us

we delighted in turning them
into chains, into planting them
amidst my blonde curls

(They will turn grey soon...)

our love letters
kept in a shoebox
tied tight shut
with a red ribbon

(They are for no one else’s eyes.)

maybe all we will have
is that shaking last kiss
as you place the gun on my temple
and pull

and then turn it on
yourself

lying crumpled together
in old age and misery
debt and alcohol
breathes

but together, my love
absolutely, painfully

together

There is not beauty in everything,
a sunset can be spoiled by snow,

yet there is wonder in the
insignificant raindrop,

that hits my window at 4am,
stirring me from a nightmare

into a reckless daydream

I love you with
my whole heart

but my heart is
fractured

and these broken
pieces

don’t make a
whole

It's that time of year again,

The air is warm,
breathing delicate
wisps of breeze
across my skin

I was cold
inside my heart,
shrank and barely
beating

My head is my own
theatre, frames flashed
and frozen, projecting
every still

I try to put the ghosts
to rest, bury them like
bones in a garden

But they wake up,
like vampires,
when the sun sets

Words catch in
my throat, lungs
take in their fill
of air, but there's
not enough oxygen

To feed my brain.

there is something sinful
in the way I look at you
a temptation to devour
that is basic need
basic greed
I do not wish to look at you like that
but I can’t help myself
your hair that catches sunlight
in the same way a city catches the light
on a sleepy, spring morning
your eyes that to look in,
is too look into the ocean
as dark and infinite and wild
I may be sinful with
my cornered eyed glances
but I think my intentions are pure
in that I only wish to hold you
and call you home

time is ticking away from me,
as I sit in my window,
a cigarette idly flicked between my fingers
into an ashtray that is overflowing,

how long have I been here?

the seasons change around me,
the daffodils change to sunflowers,
to crisp red autumn leaves swept
across my neighbour’s porch,

it will be winter soon,

children will build snowmen,
their fingers purple from the biting frost,
kisses chanced beneath mistletoe
and tables groaning under the weight of food,

time has gotten away from me,
it is too late now to chase it,
so I shall sit, and flick my cigarette
sitting stiffly in my window
staring blankly through the glass

cosmic birth -
stars aligned
dead flowers that await the Spring

a handful of poppy seeds
scattered - like the ashes
of your dead wife, in her
favourite beauty spot

we are all stardust
and sorrow

holding out for a better
tomorrow

looking in your eyes

is as holy as any religion

and I shall worship at this temple

until the day I die

sorrow sees us for who we truly are

our shame, guilt and secrets
can not escape its eyes

we cannot hide

like a burnt leaf falling
from a withered tree
in Autumn

sorrow lays us bare

unafraid to be vulnerable
and timid

it’s lion’s jaw opens in front
of the mouse of

our hearts

and we are consumed, complete
covered and

cocooned

she was born
with starlight in her eyes

but could not see it
until he looked into them

The whips of time are chasing me

crashing against my back
until my skin splits and bleeds

there is no escaping their advances
torturing me to walk onwards
towards the winter of my life

when I was so settled in the summer, soaking up the sunshine
and loving the feel of my hair blowing
in the warm breeze

onwards
onwards
onwards

the whips of time are beating
out their drums

a chilling song that freezes my blood

my back is pouring, now
as I walk to their beat

and I know I must accept
my own death

before they force it
on me