when I was eight,
I would pick blackberries
and eat them straight from the bush,

their purple juice would
stained my lips with
childhood joy and
wonder,

now I'm the wrong side
of thirty, and melt those
blackberries into
jam,

as if I am seventy

there is no joy left
in me, these days

only a weary
tiredness that aches
with longing for

what was,

those blackberry bushes
and purple fingers,

now fraught with
frailty

as I boil jam,
playing it like
a snake charmer

so as not to
spoil my mixture

(as I have spoilt
my life)

of blackberries
and regret

There are demons within me
- nameless -
carrying a thousand words
of memory that I can
barely stand to contain

their weight makes me
buckle like an animal
whose load is far too
heavy for its back
to stand

and I am also, animal
prowling these haunted streets
of my mind, ever waiting
to pounce

in the night, as I am
falling asleep. Twisted images
and contorted words

they are all what remains, now
all, and everything

tell me
do you miss me
at 4am
when the stars are screaming
and the moon is cold

tell me
do you think of me
when the ocean rolls
across the sand

tell me
did you love me
with your whole, bleeding
heart

tell me
tell me
I need to know

a stitch, to unpick
patching up my heart
arteries combusting
explosions of red hot anger

a scream, to echo
in the dusty chambers of the void

a hand to hold
knowing that everything that has a beginning,
has an end

yet still, we love

fiercely
ferociously
frantically

hoping there will be a star with our name on it
when the world implodes

forever washed over our skin

like water

waves against the shore

boats against the current

we struggled, like sailors

to control the ocean

to bend it to our will

but in the end

the deep sea took us

and we drowned in beautiful

blue

*** is not a destination
there is so much more
to see

love is not our destiny
there is so much more
to be

weak, he called me
never knowing that
my weakness
was him

in a fog of fear
and hatred

I rose like a phoenix
and consumed everything
in fire

We plunge into the heart of December,

its cold tendrils wrap around our hearts,
squeezing out the life the summer breathed

into us

we are nothing but a dark, dead *****,
a puppet of winter,

waiting for a New Year’s Eve firework

to ignite a spark of life

back into

us

reluctant arms
are still arms
to run into

empty words
are still words
to fall
for

hollow love
is still love

heartless -

I am caving
in

there are differences between
the sea at sunset and
sunrise

one waves away the
sorrow of my
body

and the other weeps
a fateful goodbye

we are a candle in the dark
too dull to light up our path
but warm enough to set a
fire in our hearts

like a frightened bird
clinging to the bars
of its cage

desperate for flight
and freedom

but too scared
to leave

the safety of
its cell

is how I feel
when I'm with you

The curve of your spine is etched

into the fabric of my memory

the arteries of my heart

the wrinkles of my fingerprints

and the words that catch in my throat

when I try to say

“I love you”

You’re just a body
between me and the stars

an inconvenience
of flesh

a bundle of nerves
that don’t touch me
like lightning
anymore

and I don’t even
miss you

you’re just another
hopeless dreamer

but I don’t share your dreams
now my dreams reach higher

to the stars

He came to me,
bloodied and broken
and for once I saw
the beating heart
beneath the shell
the touch of his
cheek beneath
the bone
the quiver of his
hand upon my
shirt and the
look in his
eyes as I
unwrapped

You may stitch my lips together

rip the voice box from my throat

stick white hot pins in my heart

and plant bitter roots in my feet

but you will never silence me

now that I’ve found my voice

tentative, at first, but it grew like a vine

to twist around your spine

I will scream from the rooftops

the injustices you laid on me

create hope with a needle and thread

I am blackened, blue and bruised

but these words carry a thousand knives

to find you

I drink wine from the cup
that’s meant for God
and I do not feel ashamed
at the taking of something
sacred, for animalistic
need

your feelings
are from thrift
shops and flea
markets

second hand and
well worn

frayed around
the edges

a hole in the sleeve

a hand me down
heart

how can I believe
anything you
say

as truth

when the same
words were
once kept

on a letter
close to the
chest of the

girl before

we are free birds, they say

yet we will never forget
the cages we were once trapped in

singing between silver bars,
hoping our song would reach
the world beyond our prison

well, it reached you

but I still sing
so that you may always be reminded
that whilst you’ve found me, and released me

I am not a free bird
I am merely a caged bird, set free

and in a second
there was nothing

not even a star
between you and I

and standing on the precipice
of making the biggest mistake
of my life

the earth is choking to death

and we breathe our last breath

as the smoke consumes our lungs

desperate for one last kiss

amongst the fumes

what are the stars

except pinpricks in the sky

for each lover we have lost

each heart we weren’t able to tame

each soul our song didn’t reach

what are the stars

but permanent reminders of

our failures

We are the winter romantics

steaming mugs of hot chocolate
wrapped in striped sweaters

we find beauty in leaving our
footprints in the snow

trying to leave an imprint
of a hearts on the Earth

but Spring comes and we

thaw

I’m old enough to understand
why the seasons of my life must pass
the way they do,

Spring came bursting
with daffodil promise,
and the cries of lambs
signifying rebirth,

Summer was messy;
mistakes were made in love,
men that didn’t deserve
to call themselves men,
scorching black rings
around my heart,

Autumn was best;
as I shed the burnt orange leaves
of pain and left myself bare
to the elements, standing strong
and proud. Unshakable.

I approach the winter of my life
with apprehension; though I am not
afraid to die. I will enjoy the snow,
the sound as it is crushed underfoot.
I will reflect on my loves and losses,
for I have had my share of both,
and enter the last breath of my life
with no regrets

We bask in winter’s glow;

watching the snow fall,
each white droplet filled
with the ability to heal

we drink hot, sweet tea
from steaming, striped mugs
each sip burning our tongue and eroding the bitter taste of last night’s arguments

Spring will come,
and the world will be reborn,
and our love reborn, too

but for now, we don’t need the sun

when the chill cleanses us of our harsh words, and the snow erodes our mistakes

the ghosts in my head
are taunting me

calling out to me
in the middle of the night

all of my secrets
laid bare

I have tried to exorcise them

but each time
they return

laughing

refusing to leave me
in peace

they will haunt me
until I die

and join them

tonight
we drink the stars
toasting the moon
bodies entwined
like barbed wire
in the darkness
eager hands
striking out
there's hate now
where there once
was love
but a spark of
kindness remains
and a spark is
all it takes to
ignite a fire
and our love
will explode
like a supernova
into the infinite
universe of
nothingness

there was heroism in your eyes

that night

as if you had taken the entire ocean
into your lungs

to be sure I did not drown

that you had breathed fire
from your throat

to keep me warm

that you had decoded the secrets
of the stars

just so we could take our place
amongst them

I loved you

with the waves of the ocean
and the flames of the fire

and my heart swelled to hold your hand
in the starlight

I have shattered the bars of love
that have caged me all my life

each lover burning scars into my heart

their promises of love shining
like stars in my eyes

their gentle words of kindness
like a noose around my neck

and I hung myself with that rope

every time
another came into my life

but no longer will I be confined
by fake words

and fraudulent hearts

I will stand on my own two feet
and thrive like a root planted
in the ground

blooming into something
beautiful

I want to make you cry, he said;

not by breaking your heart,

but by showing you the beauty
that you hold behind your eyes,

that I see every time
I look at you,

that I know you cannot see
for yourself

When I was young
I believed that love
was this magical force
that would save me

and now I’ve spent
my entire adult life
trying to save love

I hope I can be the one to let go
if love decides to let go of me

not cling to broken threads

like a desperate dancer
trying to correct their misstep

I hope I am graceful enough
to let the last embers of love
slip through my fingers, like ash

knowing that things can rise
out of ashes

like phoenixes

or flame haired
women of fire

a love letter written in fire

across a midnight sky

daughters of the moon

hands locked -
the brightest constellation

a secret that only the stars can tell

In your arms

feelings I never dared

dream

your hands

the roots of the Earth

that I plant the seeds

of my lips alongside

and water with kisses

and watch them entwine

and grow

into the blossom of Spring

What is necessary for the heart

cannot always be translated by the mind

we live in the space between what is

what we wish wasn’t

and what we long will be

It's five-thirty
when I walk
barefoot and
hesitant

eyes wide open
against the
dark

towards the place
I last kissed
you

I can hear
your lungs
lift and fall

lift and fall

like I fell
for you

I am wearing
one of your
shirts

it's sleeves hang
loose

I can almost
wrap them
around me
twice

my stomach
clenches and thinks
of breakfast

cups of coffee
and newspapers
to argue over

our kitchen is
bright and clean
red gingham curtains
like the ones
little girls

dream of

scrubbed wooden
table and chairs

each with a leg
that needs to
rest upon
a book

I'll pass you the
milk and sugar

smile into
my cereal
bowl

tell you where
you left you
car keys

stand in the
doorway waving
you off to work

I reach down
through the black-
ness

to where I think
your blanket
is

searching for the
soft corner of
warmth

my fingers touch
nothing but
air

my feet are
freezing

I hear the clock
strike six

and wake
up

Yours is the voice I hear
just before I fall asleep

seductive whispers
that wrap around my ear
like silk

yours is the hand I reach for
in the dead of night

when the stars abandon me
and the moon grows pales

yours are the lessons I’ve learnt
about life and love

and I try to love you

I try

but those whispers
don’t reach my soul

that hand
doesn’t reach my heart

and those lessons shake
with the echoes of pain

I try
but I am burnt

and no balm exists
to cool my wounds

pain is etched
onto my body
like a tattoo

it pierced the flesh
and left its inky
residue

on my skin
forever

The beast within me is hungry
and thirsty for my joy

he feeds off my sadness,
it multiplies inside him

and spreads into my bloodstream

until even the water I drink
is tainted with bitter tears

sadness
sadness
multiplying

there is nothing I can eat or drink
that does not feed the beast

I have tried to drown it
and poison it

but still it survive
indestructible

the beast is feeding off me
until I am skin and bones

and I see no choice but to
learn to love this beast

and make peace with
this ravenous part of me

in my room,
littered with the wrappers of food
I stole and ate in secret

in my body,
unbrushed hair and puffy cheeks
playing a melody of loathing
on my flesh covered bones

in my heart,
wild with longing for excitement
and adventure. Untouched by
human hands, but not by human
words

I am the bitter root
of shame
the twisting torment
of guilt

and I pray every night,
but God closed his ears to me

long ago.

There is an empty bird cage
where my heart should be

it flew the nest
when it saw you

your sunflower heart, tempting it
to stray

enticing it
to stay

yellow glowed contentment
radiates

from this simple red
part of me

creating a golden union
that does not need tainting

with forevers

my heart is pounding out
the beat of the last time I saw you

your face feels like nothing more
than a delusion

so happy in my fantasy that I
even imagined myself a new

reality, that I believed would
be the case in a hundred years

you and I
standing side by side

it is nothing more than a crumbling
daydream in the endless cavity of
my mind

the stars dissolved
in your eyes
a hand lay over mine
and I was unafraid
of the darkness
that surrounded me
the wind whispering
silently through the trees
the ocean rolling away
the years that lay between
us and death

and yet, we slept
in that dark, windy night
like babies, in each others arms
knowing that the storm would come
and wash away every impurity on our skin
every blemish, every wrinkle
would fade

and we would rise from our beds, in the morning
clean again

The only beautiful thing I have ever seen

is the reflection of my eyes in yours

(and you broke the mirror)

seven years bad luck

(for both of us)

I let my heart take over

when you kissed me
when your fingers lightly
brushed the skin on
my back

it was foolish
to believe you were
different from every
other man I'd ever met

to think that you would not
run the tires of your car
over my heart

drive over everything
I'd built my dreams around
my hopes of a future
filled with loving kisses
and tearful goodbyes

in one reckless
hit and run

we kissed, like young lovers do
on bridges, in the pouring rain
finding beauty in each teardrop,

making promises we believed
with our whole hearts
we would keep,

now the relentless turning calendar
has rendered us old,

our hands wrinkled
but still clutched tightly
together,

knowing that promises mean nothing

(and everything)

In summer,
we wait for the green leaves
to turn brown

the rolling motion
of our lives, trapped
in the changing of
the seasons

we wait, we wait

for the crisp mornings to dawn,
and afternoons with hands
wrapped around steaming
mugs of tea

deep conversations
across kitchen tables
at 3am - waiting for the
world to wake

be certain what you
wish for, is not just the end
of that terrible sensation
of prickling heat
on flesh

In Spring we dreamed of
flowers, yellows and oranges
and fresh grass, green
with envy for the
Summer

We held hands and
kissed along beaches
whispering secrets
against sunsets
on sand that burnt
the spaces between
our toes

It's November now
and we don't look
at each other,
our backs pressed
together, the outline
of our misery
blazing, racing the
flames of the
bonfire

I was dreading the winter,
the stale smell of Christmas fairies
that have lived in the attic
all year

I knew that if you left
then
I wouldn't follow you
out into the snow

I cling my arms
around your shoulders
like tinsel, draped
and static, falling
flecks of colour

I couldn't think
of a present so
instead I wrapped
myself, tight,
against the frost
that threatened
our future

swallowed down
all the things you did
that made my skin
scream, forgave
myself for drifting
away from you
and decided
to stay

by your side

as you poured whiskey
into the expensive glasses
we were saving

(not the cheap ones
we smashed against
walls)

touched drinks

and sat

with my head fitting
(a little too tightly)
into the crook
of your arm

He said;

“It’s not like you have
a serious mental illness.”

and after I told him to “*******!”

I wondered if he was right

after all,

I’ve only tried to **** myself

(twice)

maybe three time’s the charm

I’ve only been bed bound
by a crippling darkness

that eats light with a ravenous hunger

I have only felt my heart
explode in my chest

with the utter certainty
that I was dying

I have only conversed
with spirits and demons

(the fun ones are the ones
that love you back!)

maybe he’s right

maybe I’m sane

or maybe...

perfume covers the smoke
tantalising fumes that rise
and then fall
my head, left dizzy
and breathless
as I gasp in the
poisonous air
another night spent
curled around the
wrong reality
dimensions that shift around me
as I move about my day
ink on paper, stripped wood beneath my feet
the foundations of a place that is not tainted
with the harsh cruelties of here
honeysuckle covers the smoke
the sweet root of home
when my heart longs to stay
with pure belonging
and contentment
but it never lasts
and once again i am
forced to wake up
and live in a world
that was never meant
for my multifaceted
heart