“Do all poets wear masks?”

a stranger, unwittingly flung
into the path of the flurry
of my pen, asked me

No, I said. Only the sad ones...

“Aren’t they all sad?”

he said

(Check mate)

she is woman
standing before you
without armour
to shield her from
your stares

you think
she is powerless
but her voice
will rise like
smoke from
the ashes

and wrap
around your
throat until
you cannot
breathe

do not
underestimate
the strength
of a woman
who has
stripped herself
down to the
bone

for the world
to witness

I type as I live,
from word to word,
bouncing from the walls
of my brain,
as I try to find another image
of beauty or love,

I type as I live,
in a desperate frenzy
with nicotine and coffee stains,

I type as I live,
because I have no choice, no say, no control
in this

You fall away from me
like snow melting from a tree branch

we are both, bare again

I am no longer holding out my hand
to catch you

to free the words from my throat
to tell you to stay

I can tolerate the loneliness

I will live in my head -
an entire world of imagination

where I am not stung by wasps
disguised as lovers

reality has left me with burns so disfiguring
I daren’t look in a mirror

in fantasy, my skin is new and unmarked
my heart is still pure and capable
of pumping blood to every part of my body

I will not miss you
but I will learn from you

to make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes

There is something

other than a man

about him

eyes bright, 
lips
locked
 tight

his fingers

are not that

much longer

than mine

they too
 know
chemicals

the touch of glass

between your bare

skin and acid

I tap words
through the sheets

with my finger-

tips

dot dot dot

dot dot

dot

and through the

haze of sleep
he smiles

his mouth titling

towards mine

we don’t call it

kissing

it is the pleasent purple

colour of neutral

litmus paper

it is our data
spreading

from the corners

of our mouths
into my
 cheeks

my body betrays me
and colours them
red

but it is more
than a flush
of a fantasy
made present

to be able
to touch

this man who hides
(and lies)

to know
this light touch
of a man in
a mask

which he allows 

only me to
see 
through

a diamond in the rough -
I took a chance
ruby stained lips -
my hearts second glance

we painted the town as if
red was the colour of timidity
our shadows forever glowed
with a blue halo

but now we're older
past thirty, at least
and we're tired of chasing stars
being chased out of bars

"let's settle down"
you say
and I can imagine it
wild hearts - tamed by age and exhaustion
free spirits - locked in by doors and windows

but I've found my diamond
and will wear it on my heart
into old age and mundanity

wrinkled hands clinging tightly to each other
hot mugs of tea and newspapers on a Sundays
our last breath, shared

what if I'd been born
twenty years before you
and missed you

In the evening
the house is
buzzing

with bees that
sting and

we eat their
honey as our blood
sugar drops

with the temperature

you squeezed my
hand and thought
that we connected

but the sound
of your voice
is more of an
echo than a
hum

and the darkness
in your eyes
frightens me

we've met before,
you say,

we used to swap
our hearts beneath
red sheets

but your
face is not one that
I see when I
close my eyes

your grip on me
is not one that
comforts me

and the darkness
in your eyes

(that frightens me)

just makes me think
of a man I met once
blind drunk on a
Wednesday afternoon

and the hold he had
of my arm
when I tried to turn
away

our hearts are
sleeping storms
waiting for the
sky to open
its wide jaw
and swallow
them completely

we have spent
nights with only
the stars for
company

we are
powerless
in the path
of thunder

but our souls
will thaw in
the sunlight
that follows

darkness is only
a temporary
state

the hours
a cycle

and we
will not
be stuck
in one
minute

forever

I wrapped myself,
tight. Wired myself
to the fabric of time

became invisible.

I never knew why
the Earth started to spin
away from me

so I blended myself
into the background
and waited

patiently

for it to stop

guilt gathers my thoughts to you

it is still -
as a lake in high summer,

no breeze to ripple
the surface of the water,
glistening brilliant blue
under the clear skies reflection,

birds are singing overhead,
I long for their freedom and song,

but then they turn on me,
and peck at these thoughts

until they come apart,

a piñata heart,

split wide - crimson rivers of
holy wine running from my chest

into your cup.

it is your turn, now,

so drink me down,

bleed me dry as I have you,

let me shrivel up and die -

heartless.

like the woman you think I am,

I will do that for you,

I can do that for you,

(at least)

Before they coma,
silence was a virtue
we never indulged in

we would talk
until our throats
bled, our tonsils
burning as if
speaking words were
as warming as
eating raw chilli

we'd tuned our vocal
chords finely, semi -
tones were for
mornings as much as
black coffees

our bodies were
strings and ***
was just another
chord

a tangle of
limbs wrapped in
copper wire

after the car hit
you, we stopped.

the silence that took you
was big enough
for two

if only green leaves, stayed green
flowers stayed in full bloom
and the autumn of our lives
didn't chase us down
until we tired, and collapsed
into submission

but we must make peace
with the seasons of our lives
for each can heal us
each can free us
each can save us

with rain there is cleansing
with brown leaves, you can crush hate in your hand
with snow, everything becomes pure again

embrace the changing year
before it falls into silence

I lost her on my way to
Lightness

A shaking shadow that could not take form
Without me

Holding my hair back, stroking
The stretch marks we made together

The only tangible memory

The white blankets
Over the mirrors

The locks on the fridge

To keep our hearts
From filling up

To be emptied
Like a trash can

Once a week

The cuts on my knuckles
Will fade

Skin will grow back like plants
That skip a summer

The catch in my throat that is the
Air between our bodies

The gaps between our thigh
Bones

Cigarettes leave their traces of
Yellow stamps on my fingers

And I smoked so many with you

People used to worry about nuclear bombs
I have never understood the building of bunkers

the arrogance or foolishness to believe
that if you survive

you will be the ones to rebuild society
on a toxic planet

I wouldn’t worry about it

I would gather all those I love in my house
and paint an X on the roof

we would hold hands as they aimed
for our target

and we would sleep together
knowing we were not leaving
a better world behind

Love is a language
my head cannot translate

I have studied it for years
and still I do not understand

phrases and words
that would make other peoples
hearts dance and sing

kisses on the cheek
seem alien and obscene

I know I am crushing
a part of myself through
my failure to grasp

what the person standing
before me is saying

their eyes wide and wet

but my throat is dry,
and I cannot hold a conversation

in this strange language they call love

like a lion in winter,
our love is proud,

but its dignity has been
chipped away by challenges,

we had great strength,
but age was not on our side,

we met in the autumn of our lives,
and knew we did not have

forever,

as younger lovers often talk about
so childishly, as if time is merely
there for you to tell it what you want
of it,

no, we knew, we knew

we had little time,

so make the best of it, you said

and we did,

there were no kisses in the rain,
or midnight wine under the stars,

but I think we were happy,

yet now, adversity has ripped us apart
at the seems, and left us threadbare,

no more or less than anyone,
but we didn't weather it well,

all I want is our winter,
to grow old with you,
to die with you,

I think we still have it is us,
I think we will be okay,

but pride is a deadly sin,
so please don't let us
succumb

You’re in my bones, you know
the calcium that strengthens me

stops my heart from breaking
into a million pieces

that turn to dust
blown into the night sky
to pollinate with the stars

I close my eyes and you are there
my night time phantom

that in the morning becomes
flesh and bone

I am not sure who I am anymore,

they say depression
is like being at the bottom
of a black hole, unable to see the sky,

but I see the sky,

the sun burns my skin,
and the stars taunt me
with their promises of sleep
that are never meant for me;

I am sickly sad
and I’m not getting any better,

my heart is full and cracked
from the strain of carrying the scars
of a thousand wounds ,

I cannot stand with a heart
so heavy

and would you really blame me
if I made it stop?

the morning dew
that covers
our shoes
as we walk blindly
into another day
of opportunity

will become the
midnight rain
that drowns out
the sound
of the chances
we missed

Your lips taste
of gin, the feel of
chipped teacups
and taste of
broken biscuits

but you are not
that seventy-something
really, despite the
paper-like skin that shows
the blue train tracks
feeding your heart

I am hoping that it
cracks, like a
chemical burn,
I want to hear
the skin splitting,
spitting out the
lemon juice of
your jeers

your eyes are
my mirror, black
and loveless

stinging, still
with lemon
pips

another life is taken
hearts are breaking
bombs are being made
children laid to rest
the world is spinning
backwards
God's indifference
or inexistence
your country may send you
your pride may ignite you
the waving of flags may blind you
to the blood stains on the sand
to the cries of the mother's
being torn from their daughters,
to their sons being sent
to fight a senseless war
and it will happen all over again
and again
as long as humans, are humans
full of greed and power and an ability
to turn a blind ear to the cries of
human suffering

If I could reach into your chest
and pull out your heart

twist blue veins around my fingers
and taste red arteries between my lips

If I could caress it gently
and coax out the words you never said

would that be love?

when your blood pours from you
and gradually makes its way
to where I stand

and I still stand, unflinching
in the crimson pool about my feet

would that be love?

The air swirls
through the still
night and I want
to be with you

I should know better
than to turn to
you

but feelings
can't replace
the facts

the way your arms
hold me

the way my head
just fits into
the crook of
your neck

It's a heart wound
that's fatal, that
bleeds over everything,
colouring and staining
the sheets, my skin,
my eyes

I should be out
hunting, painting
the town red

and I am

but I don't think
I'm doing it right

there are thousands
of boys out there

boys that don't break
in the morning

boys that don't pick
your heart apart

boys that don't kick
you

or tie scarfs around
your neck

but the bruises
always heal

and the thought
of waking up
next to someone
who loves me
just isn't enough

to stop me
loving
you for
hating me

Turn me free from this fickle life

this reckless longing
for the things that will destroy me

(you)

my heart is a fist in your hands
turning inwards,
beating the living **** out of me

in the name of love, my dear
in the name of forever

cut me loose

I have seen enough of love

Ink runs from the end of my fingers
as easily as blood trickles out
of a wound

spitting words that melt
in the air

teeth blackened by
the ashes of prose

I would swallow them
down if I could

but each one
bangs on the back
of my closed lips

begging to be
free

to fly off
my tongue
into nothing-
ness

our lives are in constant
contrast

we live for the moonlight
but melt under the sun

long for the ocean
but drown under the waves

our love is no different

a heart in one hand
taken by another

a lover dreaming
stolen by the morning

we live and love
in a contradiction

confused and erratic
but always

always

searching for moments
of ecstasy in the chaos

This carpet is
alive

a thousand ants
scuttling
scratching
the back of
my neck

I know your tongue
is blue before it is
inside me

Cheap alchopops
topping up glasses
of cheaper *****

You don't smoke
anymore but
I am still passively

Choking in the fumes
that trigger off
those pleasure
receptors in
your brain

Is this why
you're doing
it?

Is it just
a greater
pleasure?

I am thankful
for the adults
water you gave me

Liquid lullabies
that buzz gently
in my brain

Whilst you strip

is it the fall we crave
when we think of love?

to slip beneath the salty waters
of the ocean, breathing out bubbles

that contain that one word -

love

it is light on the tongue
and yet to speak it

carries such weight

in those four simple letters
you are opening your heart

to another

hoping that they will act like magnets
and stick together, forever

love is a simple word
and to fall into it
is a freedom

perhaps the greatest
freedom we have
left

I saw the ghost
of you

on the pillow
next to me

as you slept

and I realised
I had to leave

before the ghost
became me

He's everywhere
again

the blood that sticks
my lips together

when I wake

the dogs that bark
behind  white washed
gates

the cold grab of
the village drunk

the heat that's taken
from me in rare moments
of sleep

the dark rings under
my eyes that I wear
like rosary

so the devil
I picture holding
hands with you

becoming you

can't see my insides

organs, scattered

rotting

the red, anxious rash
that covers me

the knots and filth in
my hair

He is everywhere

My phantom lover appeared to me

whispering words of love and affection

promises of forever
and “we’re in this together”

but the moon fades, his ghostly face

with it

and I’m left alone again

trying to pluck his memory from my dreams like a flower

it is always a pale comparison
a weak imposition

each night he comes,
and fades at daybreak

and my darling,
I know enough to know
that you’re not real

but this feeling

(this ******* feeling)

white hot
burning a hole
straight through my soul

is as real as the sand
is to the Pyramids

and I cannot break free
from this twisted apparition

it is my life, now
my heart belongs
to a dead man

another black coffee at 2am

willing myself awake
when I can’t sleep

it is in the whisperings
of the stars

that I hear my name,
spoken softly

not in your voice

no, not in your voice

(anymore)

Is there such a thing
as a human heart
that hasn’t loved
and lost?

because if so,
I am willing to
undergo

a transplant

I imagine myself
as an architect
crafting buildings
out of broken
bits of rocks
pencil lines
on paper
shaping into
something
beautiful

it must have
been beautiful
in the beginning
when our mind
had no pictures
to compare
to the ones
our eyes could
take

I imagine the
start of the
universe
dark matter
and energy
and how it
would feel
to absorb
any light
that hits

to hide where
even Galleo’s
gaze can't
reach

Let the wolves wander

under the thickets of trees
that stretch out like a hand reaching

for God

let them moan under the moon

and their eyes shine like a thousand diamonds

lighting up the paths that I must walk

I am the wolf under the thicket,
under the moon

my sighs singing to the stars

I am nothing
and everything

I am God
devourer

of all

A heart in Spring bloom
glowing as brightly as daffodils

I tread on a carpet of tulip petals
my eyes weeping sunflower seeds
each one containing a droplet of love
as my soul aches with the sun

and the bitter knowledge that flowers
have too short a lifespan

too short a life to stare into your stem green eyes
and quiver, like a clematis stumbling
on its climb towards

the sky

We were two kids
kicking bricks
as our legs
hit the wall

I never thought we'd
grow up

we were Peter Pan
and Tinkerbell

dressed in greens
of different shades

dressing up
meant nothing
back then

becoming someone else
was easy

now we no longer fight
over who gets to
pick first

from the wooden chest
of characters in the attic
of my Mum's house

(with the big yellow
kitchen that smiled
like the face of a
'well done' sticker)

we only kiss when
the kids are
watching

a peck on the cheek
that hurts as much
as the time I
broke my arm
with you

I like to think
that it's you that's
grown out of
loving me

(the way that you
grew out of your
shoes between
school terms)

but that's
too kind

I wonder when the infection started

when did that darkness
in my heart begin to grow

like a vine, wrapping around
my arteries, until it became them

blood flow cut off,
until I couldn’t feel my fingers

was I always this cold to the touch?

freezing to the point that
I may as well have been a corpse

depression, they call it

darkness
despair
death

it pulls at my veins, like a tug of war

and it wins, every time

the branches shook to hear your name

the magpies screamed when there was
nothing left

to steal

as you’d taken it all, in a fell swoop

like you’d taken my heart

brutally, dishonestly

and the branches shook

in trepidation

in case they were next

It's an echo of war

a battle no-one can
remember fighting

or winning

but we know that
we are the
losers

somehow

even if we can't
see it

"How does it feel?"

to be bare bones
flesh burnt off
by unkind
words

to be numb inside
feelings consumed
by the darkness
that few understand
but too many
experience

to walk around half alive
your only hope
being that your
soul has somehow
survived what you
could not

to be an un -
pinned butterfly

in a world of
constraints

and chains

is to be more
than free

it is to be
miraculous

we ran screaming from the sea
because we saw the crest of a wave
and could scarecely imagine what else
the ocean had to offer

we ran screaming form the burning house
because we saw the flame of the candle
and could not see our place
standing next to the unimaginably powerful fire

we felt so small against the elements
until we realised that we, too, were elements
and that the fire and the water may indeed
one day, run from us

They say that death isn't a disease,
that you can't spread it
like a virus
from mouth to mouth
or in a blown kiss

but each time I touch your skin
I hear my heart in my head
blood pulsing, lightly at first
But fiercer the longer my fingers
lick the shell of you
like flames

I look into your eyes, sometimes
despite myself
and see the burst blood vessels
spread out like a drop of paint
in a puddle

I know that our hearts
are about to give up on us
and that it will be
no lightning bolt
of passion
of bursting love
of feeling too much

they will just die
like a story dies
when there is no-one left
to listen to it

I can't help but think
of the life we
could have had
if we'd waited

instead of clinging madly
onto each other
desperate to shake off
the fever of the last ones
we'd touched

Two cups of coffee
- unsweetened - untouched
sit on the table, smiling,
between us

chair legs creaking
like old bones
as we pull away
from each other

hands crossed
cracked from washing
with bleach at midnight,
breaks in the middle of
meetings and meals

the table is glass
and when the light
hits it we have no
choice but to look
at each others
eyes

desperate, passive,
almost dead

I can see the words
sticking in his throat
but I'm not going
to help him set
them free

he can ask
me

Is it over
now?

You said

“You will never love again.”

and I believed you, for years

I wasted my life

walking beaches alone
staring sadly out across the ocean
each grain of sand incapsulating my loneliness
each wave roaring along to my pain

but I learnt to see beauty in the solitude
and hear the stirring song of the sea

and I loved it,

with what bit of my heart wasn’t torn

I loved again

He pressed a twenty pound note
soaked in whiskey
into my hand

This is for the taxi home

my legs are dead
and bruised

hair ripped out
at the roots

black leather boots
scuffed at the kick

make it look like
an accident

a broken glass
on the floor

a red wine kiss
at midnight

frozen lips that
whisper lustful
moans

and I remember
the first drink
in the park

the innocent brush
of a hand against
a thigh

as I take the money
and run

It's teeth, it's
teeth wear down,
eroded with the
acid of time and
memory

she told be this
but

the memories, the
memories bite still
sometimes and the
distance

the distance between
who I am and who I
used to be
is growing

growing like an
unweeded garden
and the weeds

the weeds, too
bite and the
bites are

as hard, as
consuming as
fire and
ice

In the darkness there is;
the gentle glow of light from your cigarette
and the reflection of each other
in each other’s eyes

most people dance under the stars
but you and I dance amongst them