There exists a photograph
of me, smudged now,
the image grainy

it acts like a cross
around my neck

it it not hope
or comfort

or even faith

but a reminder
to never make

the same mistakes
again

scars are stories
with next chapters

they are not
the final lines

they do not mean
you’ve reached
the end of the book

we are the dancing shadows on your wall

birthed by the moon

voiceless, we sing for our hearts

captivity

rocks and bones, sticks and stones

a cage that shackles love

fearful of its infinite strength to heal

sun and moon, light and day

we break free

we are stardust

choking the throats of the unbelievers

I still think of London
every day

those bright and ***** streets

where we held hands
and kissed

stories concealed in concrete

fairytale end seekers

we were no different

but what’s the point in dreaming
and wanderlusting

over city that is now dead
to me

I am not sure who I am anymore,

they say depression
is like being at the bottom
of a black hole, unable to see the sky,

but I see the sky,

the sun burns my skin,
and the stars taunt me
with their promises of sleep
that are never meant for me;

I am sickly sad
and I’m not getting any better,

my heart is full and cracked
from the strain of carrying the scars
of a thousand wounds ,

I cannot stand with a heart
so heavy

and would you really blame me
if I made it stop?

Is there such a thing
as a human heart
that hasn’t loved
and lost?

because if so,
I am willing to
undergo

a transplant

pale and interesting
wilts under the August sun

each ray eradicating a joke, a charming tale

your skin ****** with heat and as it cracks
seeps through everything you tried to hide

a boring soul, a wandering eye, a fickle heart

I did not mean to burn you, darling
but you just weren’t interesting

to me

I've murdered half of
the people who stood
between us to clear
the view

I've been inside
your mind and carved
out love notes

they are on the
bodies you read

on the lives
you try to
reconcile

but there is
no chance
of that now

promises lie, dead,
with the motionless
grave fillers  

in a moment
I am holding your
hand in autumn,
watching winter
born

ice and snow
to purify
the way I feel
tonight

I left my finger –
prints on your face
a kiss that lingers
and dies as you
turn cruel

I smell your
aftershave in
their hair as it
rubs off me
onto them

as you
rub off me
onto them

we won't be
meeting like this
again

we won't be
sharing spit
and blooded
bed sheets

and though you
say your heart
is frozen, I promise

it will thaw

vines twisting
around limbs
gripping tight
the fear that you will never
l
e
t
  m
  e
   g
   o
jaw clenched
tongue blister
- ing, hair pulled from the
r
o
o
t
eyes burnt shut, praying
to a God you no longer believe in
to make it
S T O P

I type as I live,
from word to word,
bouncing from the walls
of my brain,
as I try to find another image
of beauty or love,

I type as I live,
in a desperate frenzy
with nicotine and coffee stains,

I type as I live,
because I have no choice, no say, no control
in this

You’re in my bones, you know
the calcium that strengthens me

stops my heart from breaking
into a million pieces

that turn to dust
blown into the night sky
to pollinate with the stars

I close my eyes and you are there
my night time phantom

that in the morning becomes
flesh and bone

You unhook me like
a fish, still shaking
and terrified of being
eaten

as you let me go
I feel the weight
of you

against me

my face turned
seeking not to
see you

I am the flesh
and bones of
you

the carcass that
lies motionless and
rotting

outside in

I have lingered on
the edges of this
lake, like a flower

or the decapitated head
of a child's doll,
no longer interested
in playing

She knows her worth, now
and will no longer
sacrifice a part
of her broken heart
for someone
who does't
see the beauty
of her fractured
soul

This is the first year
when the tulips grow without you,
and as they bloom my heart bursts

with a kind of melancholy I have learnt to nurse
during bitter cold mornings and ink blank nights
my eyes searching for you at breakfast, your coffee mug still intact

unlike your body, unlike my heart

but the tulips bloom and so too
does something new

peace,
peace settles in my soul

my head stops spinning with
what if and might have been

and those tulips,
those gorgeous silk like
purple, orange, yellow and red tulips

save me

You wore a ring on every finger

and I wondered how it felt
in summer, when your fingers swelled

precious metals digging into your flesh

and I thought that

maybe it was a punishment
for the ring you no longer wore

maybe he is the fire of the sun
burning the skin of your fingers,

the spot that was pale white for so long

so that you never forget

I wonder when the infection started

when did that darkness
in my heart begin to grow

like a vine, wrapping around
my arteries, until it became them

blood flow cut off,
until I couldn’t feel my fingers

was I always this cold to the touch?

freezing to the point that
I may as well have been a corpse

depression, they call it

darkness
despair
death

it pulls at my veins, like a tug of war

and it wins, every time

I am a part of -

the Earth
the sky
the stars

they speak to me
in their infinite generosity

whisper words of comfort and hope
echo back the souls of all those I’ve loved

(and lost)

and in their gentles caress, I am at one -

with the moon
the soil
the air

I am stardust
I am fire

I am everything I cannot be
in daylight

I wrapped myself,
tight. Wired myself
to the fabric of time

became invisible.

I never knew why
the Earth started to spin
away from me

so I blended myself
into the background
and waited

patiently

for it to stop

My face is the front gate
of a rotting town

people sweeping
through streets
like a Plague
that kills with
disproportionates

my eyes the ticket-men
who check scraps of
yellowed paper for
numbers, ripping
of corners for their
pocket

my ears hum
with the sound of
Thalidomide bees,
collecting nectar
from dying flowers

I can smell scattered
chemicals and poverty,
children without shoes
and old ladies who
knit with rheumatic
fingers

I keep my mouth shut
to stop the spread of this
war

I let my head fall forward
sometimes, or shake

but

I will not open my lips
for anyone

I remember the colour of the leaves
in that first Autumn when I learnt to walk again,
a ghost turning opaque amongst the reds and oranges.
a flower growing from the dirt, newly fed and watered.
scared of blossoming, still, yet turning her face towards the sun,
taking the air into her lungs, mouthful by mouthful,
taking on the sky, bite by tentative bite.

I’m fond of you, he said

in the way that small children
are fond of building castles
out of sand

that will slip through
your fingers at
the slightest touch

I was happy, though
to think that someone
could be “fond” of me

giddy, gleeful, grateful

I would trade my
solid stone walls
to live in a castle
made of sand

with a man
who was fond
(but not in love)

slipping through
my fingers
as soon as
we touched

Let the wolves wander

under the thickets of trees
that stretch out like a hand reaching

for God

let them moan under the moon

and their eyes shine like a thousand diamonds

lighting up the paths that I must walk

I am the wolf under the thicket,
under the moon

my sighs singing to the stars

I am nothing
and everything

I am God
devourer

of all

You look after
my heart, he said
on fearful, fitful
nights, spent waiting,
gazing between
bars of light

I wanted falling in love
to be real

but every kiss is just
a step in a dance

we are the players in and
the writers of

our own tragedy

each morning our hands
curl together

like a flower curling it's petals
inwards

away from the sun

what else is there to do?
but play this game

of never knowing the intent
behind each others words

spoken roughly, then gently,
compassionately or loveless

like a wild roulette wheel
of emotion

we could end it, anytime

but instead we will act
it out until we die

turned away from each other
on a bed

the last words said neither
I love you, or I hate you

just deafening silence,
a blank stare of apathy

It’s hard to believe that a heatwave
has such a chill in the air,
the wind that carries a whisper
of your memory,
distorted now and distant

have I forgotten you on purpose?
is forgetting easier than remembering
how much I loved you
how much I miss you

Is denial my friend?
Washing away your name
as if it were the sea and I had
drawn it in the sand

the heat makes the flowers
wilt before their time
and I cannot bare to see it
to see you in a rose petal,
brown and withered

deny, forget, erase

but I cannot forget
the flaws and imperfections in you
that taught me how to be human

because I am flawed now,
scrambling in the dark
like a child lost in a maze

there is nothing I can do
to honour you enough
to thank you enough

forgetting is a pretty poor way
of repaying you
but I have to survive
I have to survive

because I am breaking
otherwise

my heart bleeds

not for you

but for the you I used to know

there are parts
of myself that
are still in pain

a white hot
thread pulled tight
through my spine

I speak to them,
sometimes

soothe them with
a kindness they have
never known

but they will
always be
fragments

of my soul

that are forever
untouched

FIGHT

shoes kicking at a stained carpet, ,
fingernails holding onto a
thread, my screams (echoing)
bouncing off the walls of
an empty room

FLIGHT

run, just run
my legs are lead
or jelly, neither state
in motion. I get to the
door, frantically struggle
with the lock. He turns
and grins. I am trapped.

FREEZE

lying on a stinking bed
my arms shackled tightly
above my head, my body,
tired and empty. It can give
no more. I can give no
more. I am like ice,
solid and cold, waiting
to thaw

as he leaves the room,
my body broken,
my spirit crush ,

he smiles, a half smile
like a wolf who is about
to burst into a grin

In the evening
the house is
buzzing

with bees that
sting and

we eat their
honey as our blood
sugar drops

with the temperature

you squeezed my
hand and thought
that we connected

but the sound
of your voice
is more of an
echo than a
hum

and the darkness
in your eyes
frightens me

we've met before,
you say,

we used to swap
our hearts beneath
red sheets

but your
face is not one that
I see when I
close my eyes

your grip on me
is not one that
comforts me

and the darkness
in your eyes

(that frightens me)

just makes me think
of a man I met once
blind drunk on a
Wednesday afternoon

and the hold he had
of my arm
when I tried to turn
away

My heart has fallen
open in your hands,

red and swollen
it beats

consumed with desire
and lust

the capacity to
swallow oceans

and skies
words scattered

in a handful
of stars

to lead me back
to you

if only green leaves, stayed green
flowers stayed in full bloom
and the autumn of our lives
didn't chase us down
until we tired, and collapsed
into submission

but we must make peace
with the seasons of our lives
for each can heal us
each can free us
each can save us

with rain there is cleansing
with brown leaves, you can crush hate in your hand
with snow, everything becomes pure again

embrace the changing year
before it falls into silence

you will be someone else's, soon

someone will love you as if
you were made of diamonds

as if you were the silent whisper
of stars on a stormy night

but for now, I fit
in the crook of your neck

as if the shape of our bodies
were moulded into

one flesh, one heart

that beats out a pattern
of forgiveness and promise

you will be someone else's, soon
but for tonight

you are mine to hold,
mine to kiss
mine to touch

before the goodbye
lands like lead
on my heart

and you are someone else's, now

I miss sharing bathtubs
with you, the way our
fingers linked together
to form webs of skin
that stopped our hearts
slipping, like stones
beneath the surface

I heard that drowning
was the worst way
to go. The way that
skin wrinkles away
from the bone in
shades of blues
and grays

The subtle difference
between immersion
and submersion,

the line between trying
to restart a heart or
leaving a chest cavity
to fill with waves

life's oceans are
endless in their
meetings with
death

and some hearts
are meant to
cross the sea

a diamond in the rough -
I took a chance
ruby stained lips -
my hearts second glance

we painted the town as if
red was the colour of timidity
our shadows forever glowed
with a blue halo

but now we're older
past thirty, at least
and we're tired of chasing stars
being chased out of bars

"let's settle down"
you say
and I can imagine it
wild hearts - tamed by age and exhaustion
free spirits - locked in by doors and windows

but I've found my diamond
and will wear it on my heart
into old age and mundanity

wrinkled hands clinging tightly to each other
hot mugs of tea and newspapers on a Sundays
our last breath, shared

what if I'd been born
twenty years before you
and missed you

Turn me free from this fickle life

this reckless longing
for the things that will destroy me

(you)

my heart is a fist in your hands
turning inwards,
beating the living **** out of me

in the name of love, my dear
in the name of forever

cut me loose

I have seen enough of love

People used to worry about nuclear bombs
I have never understood the building of bunkers

the arrogance or foolishness to believe
that if you survive

you will be the ones to rebuild society
on a toxic planet

I wouldn’t worry about it

I would gather all those I love in my house
and paint an X on the roof

we would hold hands as they aimed
for our target

and we would sleep together
knowing we were not leaving
a better world behind

It's teeth, it's
teeth wear down,
eroded with the
acid of time and
memory

she told be this
but

the memories, the
memories bite still
sometimes and the
distance

the distance between
who I am and who I
used to be
is growing

growing like an
unweeded garden
and the weeds

the weeds, too
bite and the
bites are

as hard, as
consuming as
fire and
ice

We walk
Hand in unforgiving hand
Away from what we saw
In each other’s eyes
In the seconds before sleep

Bitterness has taken us
Blood and stone
Settling in our hearts
We have turned to cruel words
Thoughtless acts of callousness

We split
Parting like the sea
The tide against us
And waves recklessly washing away
What was once untouchable

I look in the mirror
each morning
and see a stranger
reflected back at me

I take my fingers
and peel back the first layer
of glass, and reveal nothing

I accept that I have to invite this stranger
into my life, like an old friend
offer her tea, make her comfortable
love her enough in the hopes that one day
we may connect

and I shall no longer see her face
but my own, reflected, smiling

we danced on the eggshells
of our broken hearts

each step was exquisite agony,
and carried the endless hope
that we may find our way to love again

in the white dust crumbs

If I could reach into your chest
and pull out your heart

twist blue veins around my fingers
and taste red arteries between my lips

If I could caress it gently
and coax out the words you never said

would that be love?

when your blood pours from you
and gradually makes its way
to where I stand

and I still stand, unflinching
in the crimson pool about my feet

would that be love?

As I sing I draw rings
around your name
turning my voice into thunder
that shatters, cracks,
breaks the window
glass

I am seeing inside you,
blood, heart, bones

Sensing storms that
haven't reached the sky
yet

My body aches for
disaster, a fire, a hurricane
a drizzle of acid rain

I am feeling the weight
of rage, of goodbyes
that shake to the depths
of our souls

I will carry you around
like a bird with broken wings

I won't let you
fly
away
from
me

I have weathered storms that shook
my heart against my rib cage

Battled lightning bolts
that gave my brain electric shocks

and yet -

I cannot withstand this goodbye
that tastes like battery acid in my throat
everytime i try and say your name

I cannot find the strength to let you go,
even though you are

- gone

your face echoes, wild as the wind in my memories

all I have is love
this love that was not enough to save you
so how can this love save me

from crumbling with grief

People think that poetry
has to be a certain way

look a certain way

sound a certain way

but at night,
when it’s just me
and the words
and a white, dazzling page

a raw outpouring
of rage, or grief
a siren song of sadness

I know better
than to believe in that

and to think with my heart

and not traditions
or conformities  

and to trust in myself
and the words,
and that white, dazzling page

Another sleepless night
Memories piercing
Fear and shame

The paralyzing thought
That I’m the one to blame
Guilt, what did I do or
Say to deserve it

What did he steal
That day?
More than my dignity
And worth

Every piece of my
Heart, body and soul
I am just a shell

Flesh and bone
Shaking through
Nightmares that
Twist the pit of
My stomach

That reach the
Black root of
my heart

How I do I simply
Put it behind
Me and move
On? As I am
Told to do

When I am timelocked
In that moment of
Terror

The world is turning
Spinning forwards
At breathtaking
Speed

Yet I am planted
Like a root
In history

I have plucked the ***** roots
of my past, covered in black earth
and dead leaves

and replanted them somewhere
plentiful and green, where gentle
flowers may tentatively start
to bloom

I lost her on my way to
Lightness

A shaking shadow that could not take form
Without me

Holding my hair back, stroking
The stretch marks we made together

The only tangible memory

The white blankets
Over the mirrors

The locks on the fridge

To keep our hearts
From filling up

To be emptied
Like a trash can

Once a week

The cuts on my knuckles
Will fade

Skin will grow back like plants
That skip a summer

The catch in my throat that is the
Air between our bodies

The gaps between our thigh
Bones

Cigarettes leave their traces of
Yellow stamps on my fingers

And I smoked so many with you

I am not whole, you see,
for there is a hole that runs
right through the centre of me

a void of emotion
where fear, shame and despair

disappear from view

(from me)

rainy days can make my mind murmur, though
with a flicker of recognition

For even the sky cries, dear...

Even the sky

Before they coma,
silence was a virtue
we never indulged in

we would talk
until our throats
bled, our tonsils
burning as if
speaking words were
as warming as
eating raw chilli

we'd tuned our vocal
chords finely, semi -
tones were for
mornings as much as
black coffees

our bodies were
strings and ***
was just another
chord

a tangle of
limbs wrapped in
copper wire

after the car hit
you, we stopped.

the silence that took you
was big enough
for two

A heart in Spring bloom
glowing as brightly as daffodils

I tread on a carpet of tulip petals
my eyes weeping sunflower seeds
each one containing a droplet of love
as my soul aches with the sun

and the bitter knowledge that flowers
have too short a lifespan

too short a life to stare into your stem green eyes
and quiver, like a clematis stumbling
on its climb towards

the sky