Maybe I’ve been craving you my whole life

like a cigarette
I had forbidden myself from smoking

or like love
that I had convinced myself wouldn’t happen

because you have not been craving me
your whole life

like chocolate
a sugar rush you wouldn’t share

with me

You said

“You will never love again.”

and I believed you, for years

I wasted my life

walking beaches alone
staring sadly out across the ocean
each grain of sand incapsulating my loneliness
each wave roaring along to my pain

but I learnt to see beauty in the solitude
and hear the stirring song of the sea

and I loved it,

with what bit of my heart wasn’t torn

I loved again

My face is the front gate
of a rotting town

people sweeping
through streets
like a Plague
that kills with
disproportionates

my eyes the ticket-men
who check scraps of
yellowed paper for
numbers, ripping
of corners for their
pocket

my ears hum
with the sound of
Thalidomide bees,
collecting nectar
from dying flowers

I can smell scattered
chemicals and poverty,
children without shoes
and old ladies who
knit with rheumatic
fingers

I keep my mouth shut
to stop the spread of this
war

I let my head fall forward
sometimes, or shake

but

I will not open my lips
for anyone

We used to sit up and talk
all through the night,
sleeping only when
our mouths ran
dry

at first your voice
was the only bit
of you that I
could stand

but soon,
your eyes
began to shine
bright blue
and wide

and I fell
into their
waves

now I stare
into their sea
and wait
hopeless
for you to
speak again

like a deep
sea diver
running out of
oxygen

I drown
and choke

and wait

for the water
to claim me

I have plucked the ***** roots
of my past, covered in black earth
and dead leaves

and replanted them somewhere
plentiful and green, where gentle
flowers may tentatively start
to bloom

We have a love
that spreads out
across the constellations

each star a pinprick
of memory

a touch
a kiss
the lingering feel
of your fingers
running through my hair

the sun a burning siren
to our hearts, so that we
are never lost, never
straying too far apart

we hold reality
in the palm of our hands

weaving stories like
stitches into the
fabric of time

we will watch
as the universe burns

safe in the knowledge
that we have immortalised
our love

pale and interesting
wilts under the August sun

each ray eradicating a joke, a charming tale

your skin ****** with heat and as it cracks
seeps through everything you tried to hide

a boring soul, a wandering eye, a fickle heart

I did not mean to burn you, darling
but you just weren’t interesting

to me

We ran from our homes
like a flood

Our limbs burning
as the pavement
fades under our
feet

From city
to city
we move

Like a shadow
creeping out
to reach

The sea

We dig our graves with our fingernails,
imprinting the memory of the soil to them

to be able to claw our way back out again

when death wraps us around His teeth
and sinks them into our despairing necks,

people ask me;

“did you fight to the death?”

and I blink, not understanding the point
they are trying to make,

or else wondering if they are asking
to see the documented photos of my injuries,

“I would rather die!”
they say,

but I know how desperately
you want to stay alive

when a fist meets your face
and a hand smothers your mouth

and you can’t breathe

and you don’t believe in God,
but you pray anyway

Do. Not. Let. Me. Die. Here.

Please,

don’t

Death’s jaws will take you,
but you know that soil, now

and you can climb,
dear God girl, you can crawl

inch by inch

into the sunlight

You are a liar
not a poet, he said,
and your feelings
are as meaningful
as an invitation
made in September,
that new year bliss
that covers you in
new notebooks,
fresh pencils and
friends. If you could
only love a person
as much

if you could only
love me

I dodged a bullet,
but the near miss rings in my ears,
broken glass scattered around my feet,
and y.o.u...
lingering when I close my eyes,
on my clothes,
and in every beer bottle
I will ever drink from, now
my mouth dry but resisting rehydration,
until I shrivel up, skin brittle and cracked,
organs s.h.u.t.t.i.n.g.d.o.w.n...
I dodged a bullet, fired by your gun,
but I shall still die by your indirect hand...

It's an echo of war

a battle no-one can
remember fighting

or winning

but we know that
we are the
losers

somehow

even if we can't
see it

the smell of your cigarettes
catches in my throat

it tastes of home
and your warm

embrace, holding my body
as it shakes

like a butterfly desperate
to fly, but

wings clipped and
chained

to the root
of your

heart

my heart is a wild thing
walking the wilderness
searching for another
wanderer to call
my own

I have wasted years of my life
stumbling from one fire to another
and now I need a balm to heal
these burns

wild things long to be tamed, sometimes
and though I do not want a cage
I would **** for a pair of arms
to wrap themselves tightly around my body

I'm writing this
on the back of
a bank statement

it's from our joint account
and, circumstances without,
I smile slightly at the thought
that I was ever close enough to
someone to share names on
an envelope

the money doesn't matter,
we are none without our vices,
little human weaknesses
that creep through and climb
the tallest if walls

I drew out note every morning
from the ATM on the corner,
to buy cigarettes and chocolate

often, I'd ingest them together
like a double dose of Aspirin,
a double shot of whiskey

slightly reckless but
essentially harmless

The smoke would coat
my throat, the sugar
settling like a layer
of film

I know, it sounds disgusting
so, shall we talk about you?

I'm almost disappointed
by the banality of it all
fake names, hotel rooms
and guilty ***

I'd known about those pitfalls
since childhood but I still
married you thinking you were
different, original

If you had to leave I wanted
a storm. That you would
fling a fist towards the sky
and declared your hatred of me
your boredom, your lack of love
for me

and I'd spill my own guts,
violently, coughing up my
own bile for you

but no

I'm running out of space
now, and I'm scrawling ink
over our branch name
and sort code. The paper
constricting, closing,
pressing me for an
ending

forever taught us to sing
like nightingales,
each note an echo of a heart -
beating, in unison,

we were the wild ones,
reckless with love,
spending its currency
like there was no tomorrow

and now we cling to the tomorrow
we never thought we’d share,

hands clasped tight,
our initials written
on our spines in fingerprints

we glow under the stars of
the ones that made it
through together

I wanted falling in love
to be real

but every kiss is just
a step in a dance

we are the players in and
the writers of

our own tragedy

each morning our hands
curl together

like a flower curling it's petals
inwards

away from the sun

what else is there to do?
but play this game

of never knowing the intent
behind each others words

spoken roughly, then gently,
compassionately or loveless

like a wild roulette wheel
of emotion

we could end it, anytime

but instead we will act
it out until we die

turned away from each other
on a bed

the last words said neither
I love you, or I hate you

just deafening silence,
a blank stare of apathy

You gave me a daffodil
now a single, shrivelled petal
resting in the palm of my hand
the forgotten promise of spring
weeping between my fingers

I remember its fragrance
something lost in the passage of time
like our love, my darling,
like our love

He sunk
his teeth into
me

my body
still as the sky
and heavy as
lead

wrists shackled
above my head
a single breath
more than I dare

utter

I knew the taste
of blood and it
was my own

from biting my
cheek so hard
swallowing my
screams

he left me
empty as a
carcass and
just as alive

I had tasted death
with its bitter root

I had wished for it

I am a volcano,

a rupture in the crust of a planetary-mass
threatening to consume all in my path
with hot lava and gas
erupting at the slightest, single touch

so be ******* careful
if you dare touch me

I remember the first time
that you told me
that the universe
was infinite

I didn’t sleep,
thinking of all the
millions of galaxies,
bursting with life

stars and suns burning
thousands and thousands
of light years away

and the sudden realisation
of the insignificance of us

I am grieving for my past selves

the selves that never made it

fractured fragments longing to be found

pockets of secrets
and black as ink truths
that I have carried with me

forever

and yet, they were tossed aside,
and burnt with the waste,
as if hazardous to continue existing

I grieve for them,
and for myself,

walking around with this
huge hole in my heart,

but I walk on, and mend, as best I can -

bandaids, staples, superglue,

repairing the cracks and yet,
having the courage to weep for what
has caused the wound

Wandering amongst Oyster card
holders and paper faces, they aren’t
beautiful at all, but when was
life?

we danced on the eggshells
of our broken hearts

each step was exquisite agony,
and carried the endless hope
that we may find our way to love again

in the white dust crumbs

tell me I am welcome
in the darkest corners
of your mind

tell me I am welcome
to rest my heart there

tell me I am welcome
to stay

At your side
I feel like a stranger
to love

my heart skipping
beats

my breath
catching in my
threat

you have awoken
the ghost of
my soul

and now I am
searching the sky
for patterns that mark out
our future

hands clasped tightly
entwined, two bodies
dissolving into one

in your arms
I feel like a stranger
to myself

she walked in the shoes
of the prince who charmed her,

blood smeared black leather
and frayed laces,

she did not mean to
destroy him,

but she learnt too late
that life was not like a fairytale

and her happy ending could only
end in the ******

of the one who claimed to
love her

but if he loved her
why would he have

pulled her hair out, stand by strand
until the pain made her blind,

took a knife and twisted it
in her chest until her

heart split its arteries

and bled

and bled

and bled

but she patched up the damaged
and returned the favour,

and now she walks away
from her tainted bedroom

away from her dying, bleeding prince

undefeated and proud

in the shoes of a dead man,
making freedom out of chains

I wanted you the way that
January leaves need the
snow to water out
their dry, cracked
veins

but now you're in my
blood, the way that
an infection crawls
into an open wound,
plants it's seeds and
grows there

every lungful of
air is mixed with
sand, sticking like
dust to the back of
my throat

sandbagging
our voices, forcing them
to be content with
the odd restless
word that slips
through our lips
whilst we're sleeping

silence is our
live in and she
runs a tight ship

tight enough
to keeps us touching
no matter how hard
our limbs try to fight
their way to
freedom

Grace diminished,

what once was a bright, shining star

is now a blown out candle

I trace your name in the smoke, in the wax

a desperate attempt to rebuild from the ruins

our love is the flames that went out

without warning

and without a match to get them going

again

Amidst the chaos of
what was and
what can never be

there is now

I’ll sit and hold
your hand, here,
in this baffling moment

and whisper
“It’s okay”

This is the aftermath
of my heavy living
the reflection of
a streetlamp
in a ***** puddle

the ringing sound
of keys being threaded
through fingers
Awaiting attack

strangers find me,
under the orange haze
of light, as if my body
is a broken truck
waiting to be
recovered

one of them tells me
to never trust a man
who walks in step with
his shadow

they say that ***
has a smell and
they’re right

the air itself
is choking on
exhaust films, on
the curling, reaching
smoke of a cigarette

my skirt (my skin),
is torn

some of the older ones
take trophies, tearing bits
of fabric away from
my body

as you would separate
a phone number from a
scrap of paper

I can afford new clothes,
of course, and the powder
that hits my mind and settles
it, the way that sand
thrown over snow
softens it

the racing thoughts,
the tides of red and gold
and yellow memories wash
over me

stinging my wounds
with their salt

no-one remembers pain
that can't break the skin

and on those nights where I
satisfy a lions need for meat

neither can I

the storm
shakes my
soul

like the roaring
wind shakes
the oak tree

to its roots

its thunder
steals my
heart

like the
waves of the
wild ocean

engulf the
shore

I have known
terror and
rage

and sat hand
in hand with
misery

yet I would
not trade a
single moment

for a still
heart

I sit drinking black coffee
(two sugars)
in an all night cafe
across from the park

my face is pressed
against the glass,
condensation forming
as the temperature hovers
around freezing

I stare at the trees,
watching the leaves intently
as they blow slightly in the wind

the birds are chirping loudly,
anticipating the dawn

as the dusty pinks
turn into pale blue

people appear like ants,
scuttling in formation,
focused, eyes fixed on their goal

the pavement takes their weight,
the train terminal opens
like the mouth of the sea,
allowing them all to enter

the city is waking up for me

there are parts
of myself that
are still in pain

a white hot
thread pulled tight
through my spine

I speak to them,
sometimes

soothe them with
a kindness they have
never known

but they will
always be
fragments

of my soul

that are forever
untouched

I miss your heart

the way it played
tricks

on mine

the way it would beat
faster if you saw me

smiling

I miss your heart

with all it’s arteries
and veins

red and blue
washing a purple night sky

over my soul

I miss your heart

it’s elements of love
that built me into a

a woman

who didn’t need to be loved
all the time

only in the windows
of your eyes

when I look God in the eyes

I want to have the courage
to tell him that he has
the whole thing wrong

for I will look in your eyes

and know that I did not
have to die to reach

Heaven

if I believed in us

I would fight you
on that final goodbye

plunge my hands
into your chest
and rip out your heart
and beg

you to change
your mind

but I don’t believe in us

not anymore

we are Icarus
we flew to close to
the sun of love

and got burnt

"I will conquer the darkness"
you said,

not realising that the darkness was

your flesh

your eyes

your heart,

I took that darkness into my mouth
a thousand times,

chewed it between my teeth
and spat it out

like the stones of a cherry,

I conquered the darkness
not you

As roots we grow

unsure of what is waiting for us

above the soil

we stretch out, trembling

trepidation clinging to us

like moss

yet still, we reach out

and when we sprout branches

we climb

(we climb)

shadows -

concealing secrets

time digging in like a claw

there are messages
ebbing and flowing in the tide

moons collapsing

footsteps -

like locks

I am a part of -

the Earth
the sky
the stars

they speak to me
in their infinite generosity

whisper words of comfort and hope
echo back the souls of all those I’ve loved

(and lost)

and in their gentles caress, I am at one -

with the moon
the soil
the air

I am stardust
I am fire

I am everything I cannot be
in daylight

I have been here
a hundred times,
where the walls shake
and shrink around
us. oceans. woods.
and skies spinning
out of reach. out
of control but
destiny has it's
own map and
words that
weep like ink
black. bleeding.
where do the
trees end? the
leaves that rip
beneath my
feet. and I am
the air. the soil.
the orange red
flame that dances
from branch to
branch. spreading.
smoking. choking.
devouring.

My thoughts freeze my senses

every emotion has become
a knife piercing my spine

I share more in common with the night
and yet I am dragged, unwillingly
into the day

There was a moment when I could have stood up to the all-encompassing storm

thrown my fists to the heavens
and not cared about the consequences

I was idealistic and naive,
assuming it would pass over by itself

I should have stood up for myself
and fought for my freedom

told the darkness it was not welcome here

not welcome inside me

People think that poetry
has to be a certain way

look a certain way

sound a certain way

but at night,
when it’s just me
and the words
and a white, dazzling page

a raw outpouring
of rage, or grief
a siren song of sadness

I know better
than to believe in that

and to think with my heart

and not traditions
or conformities  

and to trust in myself
and the words,
and that white, dazzling page

I want to write a poem
where every word is sacred
every letter wraps around the page
like a pair of arms, comforting
and warming,
I want to reach out like a hand
to save you from drowning
for the ink to spread into the
entire ocean,
infecting the crystal clear water with
uncomfortable metaphor,
just read, or listen, and I'll kiss you
gently on the forehead with a simile
to make your smile,
my words will set you free, my darling
just listen
just listen
just listen

in the shade of the Autumn trees

we twisted fallen leaves
between our fingers

pulled their veins apart
as if they could bleed

shredded brittle bits
of orange leaf until
there was nothing

nothing

but dust

He asked me how I've changed.

I guess it starts with the little things,
a braid instead of hippy locks,
an inch taken off the heel,
white wine instead of shots

I hold my keys between my fingers
and spread them out like claws,
I keep my back to the traffic
and turn my head to the floor

I practise screaming in my living room,
until my throat turns to sandpaper,
I drag my nails across my skin
until my skin soaks red

I check the doors and windows
once, twice, three times
and then repeat
repeat again

I take sleeping pills when it's daylight
and drink strong coffee when it's dark,
I tell my friends that I'm busy that night
and hope they stop asking me out

I never risk the last train
or stop for a driver with his window down,
I don't approach the homeless
or acknowledge my name

I try not to think about the big things,
the shard of ice that sits where my heart used to be,
a shame that threatens to **** you,
a rage you can barely contain

I tell him that I haven't changed at all.

You were forever saying “look!”

at the flowers
at the sky
at the stars
at the moon

but not once did you look
in my eyes

and see your pain reflected
back at you

a mirroring of broken souls
broken parts
broken hearts

that were destined to shelter
with each other

during the storm

when I yell at you to leave
I am desperately hoping that
you’ll hear the shaking cries of “stay”
hidden beneath my scream

when I pick you up on
every
little
thing

please know that I am only
scrutinising myself over every
mistake
I’ve
ever
made

when I ignore you for days
please know that it is because
I am too busy speaking to the
anxiety that calls myself
her friend

know that I don’t hate you
that I only hate myself