I still feel you

in the water that covers my toes
after another night staring out at the waves

in my shallow breath,
in my lungs that ache for a red wine kiss

in my blood that runs cold,
begging for the warmth of your touch

I still feel you
I still feel you
are you really...

gone

The spot where I split open
my heart like a vein
is marked with

white pebbles as smooth
as bones

in the centre
there is a pool of
ice water

I like to pludge
into

submerge myself
and fold into
the wrinkles

that appear in
crows feet

on every inch
of my skin

the shell of
my body

shaking

the bird inside
my chest

dying

as my organs
freeze

I still think of London
every day

those bright and ***** streets

where we held hands
and kissed

stories concealed in concrete

fairytale end seekers

we were no different

but what’s the point in dreaming
and wanderlusting

over city that is now dead
to me

when singing failed

I screamed

and the bars of

my cage finally

shattered

into a million pieces

of freedom

She knows her worth, now
and will no longer
sacrifice a part
of her broken heart
for someone
who does't
see the beauty
of her fractured
soul

Our love bred nothing but deceit

an endless line of lies

heirs to untruths and fictions

it runs in the family

this passion for deception

this ache to mislead

we beg an audience for our falsehoods

for they are nothing if they go unappreciated

these frantic fabrications

reject the peace offering

if in your heart you demand
bare bones, raw and reckless love

if you want their eyes to bleed
with red hot passion

when they gaze into yours

if you want their fingers to burn
when they touch you

because you, my darling, are on fire

reject the peace offering
if chaotic love sits easier in your soul

your mind
is merely dancing skeletons
in the dark
take comfort
in the quickstep
and know that these
shackles will break
and you will dance upon
the heavy dew grass
again

I remember the colour of the leaves
in that first Autumn when I learnt to walk again,
a ghost turning opaque amongst the reds and oranges.
a flower growing from the dirt, newly fed and watered.
scared of blossoming, still, yet turning her face towards the sun,
taking the air into her lungs, mouthful by mouthful,
taking on the sky, bite by tentative bite.

a rib cage is a prison for the heart

it’s intentions of protection
are misguided

caged - like its name - away
from the touch of a human hand,
cold and separated from warmth

so, as with any lonely thing -  
it turns pale, grey, and withers away

until there is nothing left to protect
in the first place

my lungs burn

heart ripped from my chest
love ripped from my heart

things look different,
through these tear stained eyes

a meadow of flowers
that we used to run through,
is now a wasteland of dying flowers

and a gentle hand once reaching out to me,
is now an angry claw,
ready to claim me as it’s own

as I was once love’s own
with you

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile

waves crashing against
the shore

the fierce movement
of the water threatening
to consume everything

I remember
reaching out to you
as you struggled against
the tide

I can feel your hand
slipping out of mine
as your were taken
by the sea

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile
even as you
drowned

scars are stories
with next chapters

they are not
the final lines

they do not mean
you’ve reached
the end of the book

There are easier ways to die

I told him
over steaming
cups of tea
that we cradled
and tended to like
children

he would have me
wandering, crawling
from room to room,
like a beast consumed
with the hunger for
dead meat

I've heard him talking
to himself at night,
sitting, smoking,
staring out at stars

I know I've left
scars on his heart

his eyes blue
from the effort
of trying to
to break

but I wake up
each morning,
checking my hair
before I touch
his face

I let him sleep
and take the pillow
case off, shred it
with my hands,
burn it with the
hate that rises
like heat inside
me when I know
that it will be
the same
tomorrow

we used to
fit into each
other effortlessly

now my bones
stick out and
catch the small
of his back like
a spike

six more months
they say and all I
see is my skin
sagging, my stomach
sinking, my heart
beating less and
less

it hurts to know
he hates the things
I think, the thoughts
I can't make him see

There are easier ways to die

than to be eaten
bit by bit
to the bone

the trick is in your eyes
love and lies
that twist like a knife
in my spine

a deep blue ocean
that I have drowned in
a thousand times

why do I even try?

cut loose, cut free
unshackle my hands
from your tortuous
"I love you"

that is never meant
to server anything
except you own
ego

He could tell I wasn't real
somehow. That the space
between us was longer
that the length of his
arm. I talked less
than he did, yet he was
quiet and still

I was to go out
and find a (some)
body to build a house
with. But he is too
much of a person
to shelter under

I never wanted a
garden but I wanted
a place to lie,
to let the sun
lick my back
as I read

I read everything
I couldn't think or
say for myself,
especially to him

He is kind and
tender and
I'm not

It's getting harder to fill
the silences. For my words
to reach my mouth

and I am desperate
to be more than a
ghost searching for
a body to climb
into

I have shattered love
every time is was close enough
to touch

my heart, rented out to anyone
who could fill it

just for a second

just for a minute to not  
feel the emptiness

that lingers in the pit of my stomach

like the last leaf of Autumn,
clings desperately to the branch
of a bare tree

but love left no time to linger

it ran like water
between my fingers

until the puddle of heartbreak
was deep enough to drown in

our fingers were fallen stars

bound to fight over fragments of
forever

until there was nothing left but
stardust

we didn’t know that the lightest touch
might be our last

or that ink would seep into our skin
just as sand is devoured by the tides of
the ocean

we can only cling to our little piece of
home

our place in the midnight abyss
of love

turbulent ocean waves do not scare me,

I urge them on to reach the sky,

knowing that they never will
but still holding a small amount of hope

that maybe, maybe

all our spirits can soar

infinitely

and we will never be grounded

again

I curse the thunder
that tore us apart

I am drowning in the storm

the rain runs cold,
right down to my bones

you used to be my anchor
but now you’re just a ghost

haunting my heart

He told me I had old eyes

that had devoured an ocean
and skies of midnight blue

so deep, that he was scared
to tip his toe in the water

for fear of being consumed
by my ancient seas

She is eight
standing on the top step
staring at the stars
twinkling with the promise
of a new year

eyes now closed,
she drinks them in
lets the ***** of fire
warm her, the heat
of the flames burn
into her heart

in her head
a voice whispers
'make a wish'

without moving her lips
she swallows the
freezing darkness,
the air

M
A
K
E

M
E

T
H
I
N

she expels
the letters
like smoke
rings

let my hands
shake and bend
like dead twigs
in the breeze

my eyes to
retreat back
to safety

into secrets

my chest to shake
like a spider
undet a glass
trapped but safe
contained

'Please eat away this flesh'

She is eighteen now
and the years have changed her

yet not tamed the whisper
that beats like sea water
crashing into the rocks
that guard her thoughts

sitting rigid
on a hard red sofa
trying to keep her eyes dry

she watches the screen
that stands between her
and the rest of
the world

the only stars tonight
are the ones bouncing
off the glass

there is no air in here
with the three of us
eating the only thing
we still can

Christmas decorations
still standing and
watching, catching
the dust that's like
the splatter of cereal
over a breakfast bowl

we are supposed to be
in bed by eleven
with someone coming in,
a dark shadow, checking
that the windows are shut

but tonight
we are allowed to pretend
that we are part of this
world, beyond the television
screen, that still dances
and kisses strangers at
midnight

allowed to pretend that
the chimes of Big Ben
stir our hopes
that the explosions of
coloured flashes
scatter away our fears

in her head
a voice whispers
'make a wish'

without moving her lips
she sighs, fatness for
freedom or a prison
sentence of bones

that wished in herself
all those years
ago

I am a mermaid

singing a siren song
to bring you home

what could be greater
than a reunion

between the lull
of lapping waves

and a life ever after

in the mysterious ocean

I’m fond of you, he said

in the way that small children
are fond of building castles
out of sand

that will slip through
your fingers at
the slightest touch

I was happy, though
to think that someone
could be “fond” of me

giddy, gleeful, grateful

I would trade my
solid stone walls
to live in a castle
made of sand

with a man
who was fond
(but not in love)

slipping through
my fingers
as soon as
we touched

Every breath is agony
when you’re conflicted about
whether you want to take it

dark shadows,
creeping into the corners of my heart

ghosts in my head,
talking to me at night,
their endless plotting for

more

paralysis when I try to wake from
this nightmare, that is happening without sleep

I am screaming from the bottom of the ocean
but it is too late, for no one saw me

drowning

I count on my fingers
the times you’ve made my heart
STOP

a kiss on rain drenched streets,
soaked to the skin and shivering
into each other’s lips

a fickle finger stroke down my spine,
bones shaking with longing

this wild eyed love that they said
would never last

and yet,
we are here

at the start of something more
than lust and lunacy

more than cliched movie snap shots
more than the weight of two hearts,
separately

we are becoming
a combined mass, forever

When your hand
shook in mind
hope hit my heart like
a gun shot

my mind flickered
like the street lamps
falling, like stars
into the night

crows called me from sleep,

before a dream had ended,
before another had yet begun,

I opened the window to my room,
and flung my arms out into the dawn,

such promise,
bright, brilliant dreams to build,

I took a step out of the door but silver shackles closed about my ankles,

and I was dragged back to bed,
back to darkness, back to nightmares,

where crows do not beckon a new day,
but eat me from the inside out,

a carcass left on a roadside,
no dreams, no hopes, no feelings at all,

the crows will always come, I guess
it’s how they come to you

I look in the mirror
each morning
and see a stranger
reflected back at me

I take my fingers
and peel back the first layer
of glass, and reveal nothing

I accept that I have to invite this stranger
into my life, like an old friend
offer her tea, make her comfortable
love her enough in the hopes that one day
we may connect

and I shall no longer see her face
but my own, reflected, smiling

the girl in the red dress
haunts my dreams

twirling through my nightmares
like a ghost

taking coffee at my breakfast table
like an unwelcome house guest

she carries herself with sorrow
with the reminders of every scar on her heart
one for each time it was broken

she walks hand in hand with darkness
for she has seen it, known it, felt it
with her very fingertips

I do not look in mirrors,
for their reflection will show

that the girl in the red dress
is me

Chaos and calm
are two sides of the same coin
constantly flipping
in my mind

uncertainty makes you thrive
(they say)
but I am treading water
with unbrushed hair
merely trying to survive

You can’t start a fire if your world
is made of paper

the pages of books that have been read so often the ink has stuck to your fingertips

you have tried to wash it off but it is
permanent, now

evidence of words you will never
be able to forget,

those words of loneliness that
ache in your heart

you can’t start a fire
if no one is waiting to pull you out of
the flames

As I sing I draw rings
around your name
turning my voice into thunder
that shatters, cracks,
breaks the window
glass

I am seeing inside you,
blood, heart, bones

Sensing storms that
haven't reached the sky
yet

My body aches for
disaster, a fire, a hurricane
a drizzle of acid rain

I am feeling the weight
of rage, of goodbyes
that shake to the depths
of our souls

I will carry you around
like a bird with broken wings

I won't let you
fly
away
from
me

I am not whole, you see,
for there is a hole that runs
right through the centre of me

a void of emotion
where fear, shame and despair

disappear from view

(from me)

rainy days can make my mind murmur, though
with a flicker of recognition

For even the sky cries, dear...

Even the sky

Fireworks sent me to you,
red and green, burning
stars and flower
crackers

I try to hold onto that.

I want to roam into
the woods that I’ve
never felt beneath
my feet

the earth creeping
between my toes
the still, silent kiss
of nature

I want to run
my fingers around
the branches of trees

until my skin smells
of Oak, seeped in
greatness, ancient
and enduring

how I envy it

the woods
earth and
trees

are the whispers
that keep me
grounded in
the now

my past dissolving
like a thundercloud
that has run its
course

and I stand tall
Oak, Ash and Birch
the spine of time
great roots planted
in the ground

I am here, now
I am here
now

There exists a photograph
of me, smudged now,
the image grainy

it acts like a cross
around my neck

it it not hope
or comfort

or even faith

but a reminder
to never make

the same mistakes
again

my heart bleeds

not for you

but for the you I used to know

A tantalising score of lovers
lined up like shot glasses

down in one
hoping to taste gold liquor

until you realise that each one
is merely bad Sambuca

that your friends are egging you on to drink
before you can finish off the night

and go home

May the space between
where I am when I’m
alone

and where I am when I’m
with you

be the ground in which
we can plant the seeds

of forgiveness

We walk
Hand in unforgiving hand
Away from what we saw
In each other’s eyes
In the seconds before sleep

Bitterness has taken us
Blood and stone
Settling in our hearts
We have turned to cruel words
Thoughtless acts of callousness

We split
Parting like the sea
The tide against us
And waves recklessly washing away
What was once untouchable

My heart has fallen
open in your hands,

red and swollen
it beats

consumed with desire
and lust

the capacity to
swallow oceans

and skies
words scattered

in a handful
of stars

to lead me back
to you

Another sleepless night
Memories piercing
Fear and shame

The paralyzing thought
That I’m the one to blame
Guilt, what did I do or
Say to deserve it

What did he steal
That day?
More than my dignity
And worth

Every piece of my
Heart, body and soul
I am just a shell

Flesh and bone
Shaking through
Nightmares that
Twist the pit of
My stomach

That reach the
Black root of
my heart

How I do I simply
Put it behind
Me and move
On? As I am
Told to do

When I am timelocked
In that moment of
Terror

The world is turning
Spinning forwards
At breathtaking
Speed

Yet I am planted
Like a root
In history

You wore a ring on every finger

and I wondered how it felt
in summer, when your fingers swelled

precious metals digging into your flesh

and I thought that

maybe it was a punishment
for the ring you no longer wore

maybe he is the fire of the sun
burning the skin of your fingers,

the spot that was pale white for so long

so that you never forget

we are the dancing shadows on your wall

birthed by the moon

voiceless, we sing for our hearts

captivity

rocks and bones, sticks and stones

a cage that shackles love

fearful of its infinite strength to heal

sun and moon, light and day

we break free

we are stardust

choking the throats of the unbelievers

We picked feathers
off the ground and
saved them, hoping we
would eventually collect
enough to fly

when the frost came
and covered the streets in
white dew, we wound count
out how many we had

but it was as if we were
always in debt to the birds
who’d lost them, plucking out
the one thing that gave them
a freedom that we would
never know

I saw her
in a crack
of light

a shard
of broken
mirror

I am the
flames of Hell
burning

up, combusting
into ash

only footprints
of where she
stood

only echoes
of where she
laughed

only half
a person

a shell
without
a soul

Love
splits us
apart

like the parting
of the sea

waves of longing
rippling between
my heart and yours

crashing against
the rocks of our souls

shattering like glass

we were holding
back the flood

learning how to navigate
the ocean

with a compass
in our arm

like a needle supplying us
with the sweetest of drugs

it was love
(always love)

If all we have is tonight

I will pick each star from the sky

and name it

take the white moon into my mouth

and taste it’s craters

with my cavities

I will paint my soul midnight blue

with the brush of my spine

and scatter our hearts into a

constellation

to be gazed in awe at

long after we’ve turned into

stardust

heathen heart -
you sank your teeth
into my neck
and drank my blood
like a fine wine,
lips dripping merlot red
you didn't care about
the consequences
in your moment of pleasure,
a volcanic eruption
of shame was waiting
but still you drank me down
deep, as if thirst was your plague,
as you drew for fractured breath
I trembled,
and in your eyes their was the slightest shadow of
remorse,
enough to stop you draining me dry, though?
to stop you leaving me an empty vessel
skin and bones
remains to be seen