Love
splits us
apart

like the parting
of the sea

waves of longing
rippling between
my heart and yours

crashing against
the rocks of our souls

shattering like glass

we were holding
back the flood

learning how to navigate
the ocean

with a compass
in our arm

like a needle supplying us
with the sweetest of drugs

it was love
(always love)

You liked
    to run your fingers
            through my hair,
                twisting each strand into a smile

You liked
    to trace your fingers
            over my scars,
                fluttering, tapping out the rhythm of your thirst

You liked
    to run your fingers
            down my back,
                marking each bone with a kiss

Claiming the territory
                            
you know own

Like so many that fall here
I am hollow

The tendons of my neck
the open grave of sunken
skin and bone

Telling to story that language can't

It was like a spell,
a wild moment of black magic,
arithmetic bliss

hunger the only antidote
to the poison I swallowed

a childhood stolen
and replaced with a
decade cracking ciphers

years fell against me
like electrocuted trees

people hear the crash
and turn to look
at first, but soon
navigate their way
around the wooden
corpse

my twig-ed fingers
creeping out from
underneath, black earth
and ***** nails, a dead
thing crawling to reach
a last lungful of
dusty air

The fault was not yours, and you’ll come to accept that one day

you will learn not to carry the weight of other people’s depraved actions on your shoulders

healing is not always the same as forgetting

but there will be moments when you forget, just for an hour, a minute, a second

collect these moments like pennies, buttons, pins

showcase them in your eyes, sparkling back into life

you were not buried in the dirt, my love

you were planted

I am tired of being
a pit stop for your love

I am not here to fix your broken soul
or refuel your depleting lust

my heart has it’s own wound
don’t make me try to heal yours

(as well)

we are the unlikely creatures -

the ones that move in moonlight,
under a carpet of unforgiving stars

our hearts don’t go unnoticed,
as much as we would like our motives to be

souls scattered across midnight skies,
as everything unfurls

and we are left with nothing
but the atoms of love

Your goodbye
is an ocean

over bones,
the waves wash
leaving
salt stars

the more I drink,
the more my thirst
increases

growing, like
coral, away from
the seabed

your hunger for my heart
leaves me shaking

in a slow state of slow decay

from the over consumption
of sweetened words of love

you should have been more hesitant

wary of the destruction your passion
would cause

our names are written

in the stars, too bright for eyes to see

a pattern of hands clasped,
fingers entwined

the constellation of love

blinding to those below

whose first thought is to hate

There is tape on the floor at grocery stores
everybody is staying indoors,
doctors are dying as they tend the sick,
mask less, watching them die,
the death toll rises like a giant wave
escaping the ocean,
fear is everywhere in the air,
like a virus,

and  the virus

The Virus

she walked with dandelion dust
on her shoes

knowing the cost of everything
and the price of

nothing

she was told once,
that they were weeds

that they should be killed off
to allow the grass to grow

but she knew that nothing would grow from death’s kiss

(yes, she knew that, at least...)

I watched the squares
on my red checked dress
every play time
as he sat next to me
on the freshly cut grass

the smell of it, eating up
my senses, consuming me

I counted the dates
on the calendar
above the teachers head
every time we were made
to sit together

how one number can roll
onto the next without
ceremony, without being
noticed

I wasn't noticed
only bty him

at nine, you don't understand
what a boys hand down your pants means

you don't understand why it makes
you feel sick,

why it makes you cry yourself to sleep
at night,

you tolerate it, so sure that
this is the way the world works

I was taught to fear men, before I understood fear,
before I understood men

the seeds that were planted in me, rotten, no fruit
would ever grow, no flowers bloom

I would remain tight, in the bud
for a long time

maybe forever

I am waiting for the right kind of rain

I didn’t ask for forever,

but you spat the word back
in my face like a startled serpent,

as if my carefully calculated movements
spelled out the letters you were too afraid to hear

now, in the wilderness of your heart,

you find the box that contains my face,
and scrub it off, like graffiti,

all because a word echoed in your ear
that was never dared uttered

aloud

I count on my fingers
the times you’ve made my heart
STOP

a kiss on rain drenched streets,
soaked to the skin and shivering
into each other’s lips

a fickle finger stroke down my spine,
bones shaking with longing

this wild eyed love that they said
would never last

and yet,
we are here

at the start of something more
than lust and lunacy

more than cliched movie snap shots
more than the weight of two hearts,
separately

we are becoming
a combined mass, forever

My world tilts towards you, always
In the cracks between our two realities
In the corner of the mirror, that reflects back my True Self
You are not whole, right now, still moulding into the shape of the boy I love
Yet, this mailable, weak, shifting form
In which you’ve shown yourself to me tonight,
is enough to make me weep

I tipped
a bottle
of midnight
black ink
onto a fresh
white page

inhaled, exhaled

and carved patterns
out of the chaos

etchings that
would be the
start of my
first chapter

without you

When your hand
shook in mind
hope hit my heart like
a gun shot

my mind flickered
like the street lamps
falling, like stars
into the night

I live in a world
where feathers are
signs from a
home that you
nest in
out of the corner
of your eye
-
and
smoke rings
must be caught
and cherished
-
the other place
where honeysuckle
fills the air in a
euphoric burst
of belonging
-
the place where
the edges are
soft and sounds
do not grate
-
I would live here
forever, but I
must return,
and leave Him
-
always, always
trapped between,
anchored in
two worlds

you are the brightest shard of the light
piercing my heart with promise
my heart speaks a language
that my head cannot translate
when I am near you
I am like a child, stumbling blindly
in a world that's new and brilliant
I cannot speak of love, no
I do not think it's love
this shard of light that pierces
my heart like a poisoned arrow
wounded, I stagger
and fall into your arms
no, not love
but death
though death and love are so closely
wound, like a tight wire
people do not wish to speak
of death and love in the same breath
but I dare
I dare
like with so many things you've taught me
I dare

a rib cage is a prison for the heart

it’s intentions of protection
are misguided

caged - like its name - away
from the touch of a human hand,
cold and separated from warmth

so, as with any lonely thing -  
it turns pale, grey, and withers away

until there is nothing left to protect
in the first place

When the flowers die
our hearts die with them
shrivelled, brittle and cold
winter waiting in slumber
for the next Spring bloom

white roses
turning red
with the blood
I've lost

over you

heart beating
slower as we
kiss in the

rain

never imagining
that the clouds will
blow over one

day

don't leave me
waiting without
a word of

goodbye

without a word
to wrap inside
at night

If I could hold everyone
I ever loved
ever kissed
ever touched
ever wanted forever with
in one heart

and let it rest in the palm
of my hand

I would come close to holding
the world

don’t tell me
to hold
my heart
in my hand

if you won’t
hold your heart
in yours

when you have
wounded me
with whispers
that meant
nothing to
you

I have stood
before you
fearlessly

my love alive
breathing the
very air we
share

still standing
when you
have fallen

short of
of being
everything
I dreamt you
to be

I have walked through fire
to reach you

and the blisters on my feet
are love bites

from a distant love

Every breath is agony
when you’re conflicted about
whether you want to take it

dark shadows,
creeping into the corners of my heart

ghosts in my head,
talking to me at night,
their endless plotting for

more

paralysis when I try to wake from
this nightmare, that is happening without sleep

I am screaming from the bottom of the ocean
but it is too late, for no one saw me

drowning

When we sat in the garden
Under a canopy of wisteria
Surrounded by colour, and by life
We did not realise that as we drank our coffee
We were sipping time from a chipped cup

Each mouthful another week less
To spend with you
Talking and debating about everything
Under the sun, falling out and making up
ALWAYS making up

Each bittersweet gulp another month
Nearer the vultures
The pain of watching them eat away at you
Whilst you had to be fed by tubes
Whist I measured my days, my weeks, in hospital visits

The stench of pity all around me
As useless to me as faith
And worse, the toxic fake false positivity
Telling me everything would be okay
When you were ******* dying
I want to tear their words into pieces
Shred them to nothing because that’s all it means
NOTHING

Eventually, our cup of time ran out
Please know that I never wanted to leave you that day
Please know that I would fight lions off with my bare hands
To say one last goodbye

You are gone, and I am left
Traumatised by seeing the true horrors of cancer
But holding on to the fact that the last thing we said
To each other was “I LOVE YOU”
And I am loving you always
But always longing for

One last hug
I’d give up a thousand tomorrows
For one more hug
Nuzzled into your neck
The smell of your hair
The feel of your shirt
The beat of your heart
The steady rhythm of your breath
Soothing my fear

How can someone so alive
Suddenly disappear?

He told me I had old eyes

that had devoured an ocean
and skies of midnight blue

so deep, that he was scared
to tip his toe in the water

for fear of being consumed
by my ancient seas

I dodged a bullet,
but the near miss rings in my ears,
broken glass scattered around my feet,
and y.o.u...
lingering when I close my eyes,
on my clothes,
and in every beer bottle
I will ever drink from, now
my mouth dry but resisting rehydration,
until I shrivel up, skin brittle and cracked,
organs s.h.u.t.t.i.n.g.d.o.w.n...
I dodged a bullet, fired by your gun,
but I shall still die by your indirect hand...

you took me away
from the wildest places,

the war torn home
of my childhood,
the sweat soaked digs
of my student days,

making sure I would be thankful to you,
making sure I knew I had a debt to pay,
making sure I could never leave you,

but forced gratitude without love is just slavery
and I am no longer a woman in chains,

I dared to shatter the bars of decency,
of what everything and everyone told me
was right (or wrong)

and live - arms wide and free,
taking flight into the night sky
to leave my imprint amongst the stars,

shattered, but whole

reject the peace offering

if in your heart you demand
bare bones, raw and reckless love

if you want their eyes to bleed
with red hot passion

when they gaze into yours

if you want their fingers to burn
when they touch you

because you, my darling, are on fire

reject the peace offering
if chaotic love sits easier in your soul

when singing failed

I screamed

and the bars of

my cage finally

shattered

into a million pieces

of freedom

the fever dream of our love
curls like the smoke of a
cigarette around the
window frame,

begging to be let loose
into the wild to dance
around the sun like
a child who has no
burden

it smiles back at us
softly, as if it can
sense the sorrow
it has left
behind

we are left
without a dream
stumbling along
trying to grow
and breathe
with half
of our soul
wrapped around
the sun

You can’t start a fire if your world
is made of paper

the pages of books that have been read so often the ink has stuck to your fingertips

you have tried to wash it off but it is
permanent, now

evidence of words you will never
be able to forget,

those words of loneliness that
ache in your heart

you can’t start a fire
if no one is waiting to pull you out of
the flames

my lungs burn

heart ripped from my chest
love ripped from my heart

things look different,
through these tear stained eyes

a meadow of flowers
that we used to run through,
is now a wasteland of dying flowers

and a gentle hand once reaching out to me,
is now an angry claw,
ready to claim me as it’s own

as I was once love’s own
with you

I wrote you a love letter
across the ocean

but the waves washed it away
as if it was flotsam

words that I thought
held the truth of my heart

had no substance at all

when I yell at you to leave
I am desperately hoping that
you’ll hear the shaking cries of “stay”
hidden beneath my scream

when I pick you up on
every
little
thing

please know that I am only
scrutinising myself over every
mistake
I’ve
ever
made

when I ignore you for days
please know that it is because
I am too busy speaking to the
anxiety that calls myself
her friend

know that I don’t hate you
that I only hate myself

I still feel you

in the water that covers my toes
after another night staring out at the waves

in my shallow breath,
in my lungs that ache for a red wine kiss

in my blood that runs cold,
begging for the warmth of your touch

I still feel you
I still feel you
are you really...

gone

If all we have is tonight

I will pick each star from the sky

and name it

take the white moon into my mouth

and taste it’s craters

with my cavities

I will paint my soul midnight blue

with the brush of my spine

and scatter our hearts into a

constellation

to be gazed in awe at

long after we’ve turned into

stardust

I want to roam into
the woods that I’ve
never felt beneath
my feet

the earth creeping
between my toes
the still, silent kiss
of nature

I want to run
my fingers around
the branches of trees

until my skin smells
of Oak, seeped in
greatness, ancient
and enduring

how I envy it

the woods
earth and
trees

are the whispers
that keep me
grounded in
the now

my past dissolving
like a thundercloud
that has run its
course

and I stand tall
Oak, Ash and Birch
the spine of time
great roots planted
in the ground

I am here, now
I am here
now

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile

waves crashing against
the shore

the fierce movement
of the water threatening
to consume everything

I remember
reaching out to you
as you struggled against
the tide

I can feel your hand
slipping out of mine
as your were taken
by the sea

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile
even as you
drowned

crows called me from sleep,

before a dream had ended,
before another had yet begun,

I opened the window to my room,
and flung my arms out into the dawn,

such promise,
bright, brilliant dreams to build,

I took a step out of the door but silver shackles closed about my ankles,

and I was dragged back to bed,
back to darkness, back to nightmares,

where crows do not beckon a new day,
but eat me from the inside out,

a carcass left on a roadside,
no dreams, no hopes, no feelings at all,

the crows will always come, I guess
it’s how they come to you

heathen heart -
you sank your teeth
into my neck
and drank my blood
like a fine wine,
lips dripping merlot red
you didn't care about
the consequences
in your moment of pleasure,
a volcanic eruption
of shame was waiting
but still you drank me down
deep, as if thirst was your plague,
as you drew for fractured breath
I trembled,
and in your eyes their was the slightest shadow of
remorse,
enough to stop you draining me dry, though?
to stop you leaving me an empty vessel
skin and bones
remains to be seen

Chaos and calm
are two sides of the same coin
constantly flipping
in my mind

uncertainty makes you thrive
(they say)
but I am treading water
with unbrushed hair
merely trying to survive

your feelings
are from thrift
shops and flea
markets

second hand and
well worn

frayed around
the edges

a hole in the sleeve

a hand-me-down
heart

how can I believe
anything you
say

as truth

when the same
words were
once kept

on a letter
close to the
chest of a

girl before

turbulent ocean waves do not scare me,

I urge them on to reach the sky,

knowing that they never will
but still holding a small amount of hope

that maybe, maybe

all our spirits can soar

infinitely

and we will never be grounded

again

I miss you quietly, sometimes,

no body shaking sobs
no gut wrenching agony.

just the memory of your smile,
and the smell of your hair,

haunting echoes of a life lived with you.

those are the dangerous days,

the days when my smile
doesn’t fade
at the mention of your name

They say that death isn't a disease,
that you can't spread it
like a virus
from mouth to mouth
or in a blown kiss

but each time I touch your skin
I hear my heart in my head
blood pulsing, lightly at first
But fiercer the longer my fingers
lick the shell of you
like flames

I look into your eyes, sometimes
despite myself
and see the burst blood vessels
spread out like a drop of paint
in a puddle

I know that our hearts
are about to give up on us
and that it will be
no lightning bolt
of passion
of bursting love
of feeling too much

they will just die
like a story dies
when there is no-one left
to listen to it

I can't help but think
of the life we
could have had
if we'd waited

instead of clinging madly
onto each other
desperate to shake off
the fever of the last ones
we'd touched

There exists a photograph
of me, smudged now,
the image grainy

it acts like a cross
around my neck

it it not hope
or comfort

or even faith

but a reminder
to never make

the same mistakes
again

scars are stories
with next chapters

they are not
the final lines

they do not mean
you’ve reached
the end of the book