If I could hold everyone
I ever loved
ever kissed
ever touched
ever wanted forever with
in one heart

and let it rest in the palm
of my hand

I would come close to holding
the world

our names are written

in the stars, too bright for eyes to see

a pattern of hands clasped,
fingers entwined

the constellation of love

blinding to those below

whose first thought is to hate

I didn’t ask for forever,

but you spat the word back
in my face like a startled serpent,

as if my carefully calculated movements
spelled out the letters you were too afraid to hear

now, in the wilderness of your heart,

you find the box that contains my face,
and scrub it off, like graffiti,

all because a word echoed in your ear
that was never dared uttered

aloud

I  am covered
by the loose threads
of time

pulling at
the stitches
of memory

until all that’s
left are the frayed
edges of moments

lost

but I hold
a needle, and
can sew these
torn threads
back into the canvas

of my life, patchwork
with experiences and
memories

a whole picture, a life

complete

we hate the ghosts of our pasts

because they try to teach us the things

we fear

the things we don’t want

to hear

their footsteps echoing with each bad decision we make

histories that we insist on repeating

but if we let their shackles slack

a little

we will see their guiding lights are not

blinding

but a dim glow that can illuminate our way out of

the shadows

a man without a gun
can still ****

with a word or without
an unsaid goodbye

to plunge a knife into a chest
pierces a heart and leaves it bleeding

a pool of crimson settling around
his feet

he will move away
when it gets too close to his toes

repulsed, not by his act
but by his lover's final offering

that means nothing to him

in the end, my darling

we are just one breath away
from drowning

sea **** tangling
like ropes around
our arms

waves washing over us
until only our bones
remain

we are just one breathe away
from drowning

and everybody loves the ocean

Your love ran through my veins

until they became

varicose

and now I am twisted out of

shape

and the natural art of bleeding is

all consuming

pain

I’m not coming over tonight
to beg you to stay,

in my heart
I know it’s over,

nothing ever lasts forever,
not even promises of

we’re in this together

wandering heart

nomad soul

my only longing is to roam

these ***** streets of pride and pity

these forests of failure and flight

I only want to know the feel

of grass between my toes

You look after
my heart, he said
on fearful, fitful
nights, spent waiting,
gazing between
bars of light

“Don’t leave things like this.”

You said,

but you don’t get to choose anymore

your black rose soul that kept me
transfixed for so long

your deep ocean blue enchanting eyes
that told stories as old as the seas
with just a concentrated stare through me

well, those spells have broken
and I will leave you how I like

I could do it in ashes and glass, if I wanted
but I just want to quietly exit, stage left
and leave the petty performance you call love

if you forget me,

as an animal, wounded by man,
forgets its natural predator

I will not weep, for the ocean
is already swollen with jilted
lovers tears

more so plant my feet, like roots,
where I stand

grow new skin over the injury

and wave my
healed, heart, hand
at the sun

I see your eyes
false stars in a faithless sky
begging us to try again

but luck runs dry, like water
and dull sparks cannot reignite a fire
the burnt out, long ago

I miss your touch
but it no loner warms me
or reaches my heart

farewell, faithless sky
I have to say goodbye

Kiss me on the inside;

can you feel my heart
shake? Do your fingertips
read me like a Carpenter’s
reads wood?

could you re-build my life
in your shed? Re-paint
the years that have
chipped away at my
skin

do you have tools
that can mend souls?
souls that have escaped,
eloped with promises
telling you to hold
tight and wait

Wait.

You didn’t fix
the clock, did you?
The hands still
move too fast

instead of the beginning,
middle and end
you told my story
in a flick book

My childhood is
a paragraph, I was
young for a page

your hands are
hard but your heart
is harder

unflinching,
throwing out
the parts of me
you can’t fit

In

To

You

I forgive you,
of course, when
you show me the
sculpture you made
out of our tomorrow's

the wood has
beeb sanded down,
the edges, smoothed
as you place your arms
around my waist
and lift my face, slightly
to the sky

and there,
where the stars meet,
there is where
our hearts beat

burning out the parts of me
that don’t fit

In

To

You

I don't want to hear it.
How he found you, you're eyes locked
over plastic glasses
of cheap wine

the way your feet
dangled slightly
swinging from
the stool, avoiding
the floor

how he offered you his
coat, streatched tight
across his slightly
too wide shoulders,
the way the sleeves
blocked you from
the cold in a grip
that was almost
firm, but not...

you knew the price
of an illegal cab fare
just not the cost
of not riding one

orange lights and exhaust fumes,
the engines humming like a bird
that's dying, still fighting
to breathe, like black
beasts of metal and
sulphur

it could have been over
in seconds, a wave of your
hand away from never
starting

instead you wrapped
the coat tighter, like a cage
with soft walls, pockets
stuffed with shot glasses

and took him home

We spent 3am ,

tongues twisted in conversations
plucked from the depths of our souls

flicking cigarettes against the brickwork,
their ashes hitting the ground, silently

we counted and named each star,
ripping up the book of constellations
because it didn’t speak of
our love, our passion, our urgency

we wanted to be new, fresh, vital
as if we had the right to stamp our mark
on the sky, forever

but why not,
when we knew that our hearts
would not, could not, love each other

forever

don’t tell me
to hold
my heart
in my hand

if you won’t
hold your heart
in yours

when you have
wounded me
with whispers
that meant
nothing to
you

I have stood
before you
fearlessly

my love alive
breathing the
very air we
share

still standing
when you
have fallen

short of
of being
everything
I dreamt you
to be

hearts beating,
black blood

limbs twisted together wildly,
like contortionists

fingers gripping onto fingers,
like icicles

something beautiful,
made obscene

we are a mere echo of love

the fever dream of our love
curls like the smoke of a
cigarette around the
window frame,

begging to be let loose
into the wild to dance
around the sun like
a child who has no
burden

it smiles back at us
softly, as if it can
sense the sorrow
it has left
behind

we are left
without a dream
stumbling along
trying to grow
and breathe
with half
of our soul
wrapped around
the sun

your eyes speak of dreams
that were abandoned

and as my fingers wrap around yours

I want to inject old passions into your blood

so that the fire you lost along the way
is rekindled

I want to be the flame that sets alight
those long forgotten hopes

I am both

hurting
and healing

two truths
nesting in
the palm
of my hand

like the moon
takes light
from the sun

or the sea
gives sand
to the shore

neither is one
without the
other

Fear Him, they said,
fear for your mortal soul,

but fire is the Devil’s only weapon,
and I do not fear it,

for I have built my home out of flames,
warmed my feet against the bricks
in the deep months of winter,

struck matches against my skin
to see if I could withstand the agony

of being burnt,

and now I know, I can.

so I wrap my fingers round his horns,
and invite him to tea,

for I do not fear that,
which cannot hurt me

I don’t care if the sky falls

I don’t care if the oceans rise

I don’t care if the fires blaze

I have woven you into
the tapestry of my heart

and nothing can unstitch that

Your memory is etched into my mind

as permanently as though it were stone,
and someone took out a chisel
and carved out your name

I cannot forget you,

after six glasses of gin, you blur
into something more beautiful, in character  

but it is still
your face
your hands
your heart

that have woven me
in the fabric of time and space

so that I am a planet

forever in debt to your sun

I've murdered half of
the people who stood
between us to clear
the view

I've been inside
your mind and carved
out love notes

they are on the
bodies you read

on the lives
you try to
reconcile

but there is
no chance
of that now

promises lie, dead,
with the motionless
grave fillers  

in a moment
I am holding your
hand in autumn,
watching winter
born

ice and snow
to purify
the way I feel
tonight

I left my finger –
prints on your face
a kiss that lingers
and dies as you
turn cruel

I smell your
aftershave in
their hair as it
rubs off me
onto them

as you
rub off me
onto them

we won't be
meeting like this
again

we won't be
sharing spit
and blooded
bed sheets

and though you
say your heart
is frozen, I promise

it will thaw

I listen to the storm crash
against my window

memories strike, like lightning
and I know that I instilled
the wrath of thunder

in you

and this is you, visiting
to make sure that I never forget

you

I am tired of being
a pit stop for your love

I am not here to fix your broken soul
or refuel your depleting lust

my heart has it’s own wound
don’t make me try to heal yours

(as well)

we are the unlikely creatures -

the ones that move in moonlight,
under a carpet of unforgiving stars

our hearts don’t go unnoticed,
as much as we would like our motives to be

souls scattered across midnight skies,
as everything unfurls

and we are left with nothing
but the atoms of love

FIGHT

shoes kicking at a stained carpet, ,
fingernails holding onto a
thread, my screams (echoing)
bouncing off the walls of
an empty room

FLIGHT

run, just run
my legs are lead
or jelly, neither state
in motion. I get to the
door, frantically struggle
with the lock. He turns
and grins. I am trapped.

FREEZE

lying on a stinking bed
my arms shackled tightly
above my head, my body,
tired and empty. It can give
no more. I can give no
more. I am like ice,
solid and cold, waiting
to thaw

as he leaves the room,
my body broken,
my spirit crush ,

he smiles, a half smile
like a wolf who is about
to burst into a grin

the promises
were too high
the cost of failing
to meet them
will show
in due time

I learn from the love letters

I find hidden under the floorboards
of an ancient house

the paper yellowed, ink faded, but still…
fierce traces of passion and longing trapped
in their pages

they teach me fidelity,
when it is the last thing I want to know

they teach me kindness,
when cruelty is the mistress of my heart

they teach me that love can survive overwhelming odds

and so when I fold them up up and replace them
knowing I shall probably be the last to hold
these letters, that speak of beautiful courage
and compassion

I walk out of that ruined house,
whole and healed

ready to open my heart
to love

your hunger for my heart
leaves me shaking

in a slow state of slow decay

from the over consumption
of sweetened words of love

you should have been more hesitant

wary of the destruction your passion
would cause

I miss sharing bathtubs
with you, the way our
fingers linked together
to form webs of skin
that stopped our hearts
slipping, like stones
beneath the surface

I heard that drowning
was the worst way
to go. The way that
skin wrinkles away
from the bone in
shades of blues
and grays

The subtle difference
between immersion
and submersion,

the line between trying
to restart a heart or
leaving a chest cavity
to fill with waves

life's oceans are
endless in their
meetings with
death

and some hearts
are meant to
cross the sea

Word that once twisted
on my tongue like dancers
now stick, like sugar, to my lips
sweet honey locks that trap
the fire the eats me from
the inside - a body,
a cage, that echoes
bird less in the night
as I sit smoking out
the nightmares that wait,
like patent lovers, for me
to join them

The fault was not yours, and you’ll come to accept that one day

you will learn not to carry the weight of other people’s depraved actions on your shoulders

healing is not always the same as forgetting

but there will be moments when you forget, just for an hour, a minute, a second

collect these moments like pennies, buttons, pins

showcase them in your eyes, sparkling back into life

you were not buried in the dirt, my love

you were planted

you are the brightest shard of the light
piercing my heart with promise
my heart speaks a language
that my head cannot translate
when I am near you
I am like a child, stumbling blindly
in a world that's new and brilliant
I cannot speak of love, no
I do not think it's love
this shard of light that pierces
my heart like a poisoned arrow
wounded, I stagger
and fall into your arms
no, not love
but death
though death and love are so closely
wound, like a tight wire
people do not wish to speak
of death and love in the same breath
but I dare
I dare
like with so many things you've taught me
I dare

My camera clicks a little
less these days.
It doesn't forget that we are
no longer young.
The years we spent
kissing under trees, stretching
our limbs out to the sun,
skin crisping, blistering,
then peeling. Are gone.
We thought we were
solid and stern, that
we could easily hold off
the gusts of time. Now
we sleep most of the day.
Occasionaly, we take a walk
(in the shade) the trees have
aged too, but they still
stand proud. We are
more like a branch
it's cast off in the wind.
My finger pauses
over the shutter, I
want to mark this
moment, to see if
the picture is less
kind once it's
taken.

you will be someone else's, soon

someone will love you as if
you were made of diamonds

as if you were the silent whisper
of stars on a stormy night

but for now, I fit
in the crook of your neck

as if the shape of our bodies
were moulded into

one flesh, one heart

that beats out a pattern
of forgiveness and promise

you will be someone else's, soon
but for tonight

you are mine to hold,
mine to kiss
mine to touch

before the goodbye
lands like lead
on my heart

and you are someone else's, now

I have walked through fire
to reach you

and the blisters on my feet
are love bites

from a distant love

she walked with dandelion dust
on her shoes

knowing the cost of everything
and the price of

nothing

she was told once,
that they were weeds

that they should be killed off
to allow the grass to grow

but she knew that nothing would grow from death’s kiss

(yes, she knew that, at least...)

You said my scar
was a line that lead you
directly to my heart

(and I sighed)

because scar tissue
has no memory
and can never lead you
back to me again

white roses
turning red
with the blood
I've lost

over you

heart beating
slower as we
kiss in the

rain

never imagining
that the clouds will
blow over one

day

don't leave me
waiting without
a word of

goodbye

without a word
to wrap inside
at night

You unhook me like
a fish, still shaking
and terrified of being
eaten

as you let me go
I feel the weight
of you

against me

my face turned
seeking not to
see you

I am the flesh
and bones of
you

the carcass that
lies motionless and
rotting

outside in

I have lingered on
the edges of this
lake, like a flower

or the decapitated head
of a child's doll,
no longer interested
in playing

you took me away
from the wildest places,

the war torn home
of my childhood,
the sweat soaked digs
of my student days,

making sure I would be thankful to you,
making sure I knew I had a debt to pay,
making sure I could never leave you,

but forced gratitude without love is just slavery
and I am no longer a woman in chains,

I dared to shatter the bars of decency,
of what everything and everyone told me
was right (or wrong)

and live - arms wide and free,
taking flight into the night sky
to leave my imprint amongst the stars,

shattered, but whole

I took your strawberry jam secrets
into my mouth,
and let their sweetness rot my teeth

sugar stained lips, a lingering kiss,

I’d burn bridges for you,
without a glance over my shoulder,

walk hot coals, and relish the blisters,

but letting your strawberry jam secrets
swirl on my tongue

is perhaps the greatest way that I can say

“I’m here for you, darling.”

When the flowers die
our hearts die with them
shrivelled, brittle and cold
winter waiting in slumber
for the next Spring bloom

I still feel you

in the water that covers my toes
after another night staring out at the waves

in my shallow breath,
in my lungs that ache for a red wine kiss

in my blood that runs cold,
begging for the warmth of your touch

I still feel you
I still feel you
are you really...

gone

I am forever searching
for the ones I’m grateful to have lost

rose tinted glasses that make
peasant lovers look like kings

the swirl of the past
distorting my memories of heartache
and broken promises

into jewels of truth and the safety
of the crook of your arm

but I must shed these glasses,
swim against the current of these whirlpools

if I am ever to keep hold of myself
if I am ever to move on from
bitter words and anger
into a new chapter of trust and sensitivity

We're drinking tea
from chipped mugs
again, like we do
every morning

dropping sugar
grain by grain
until the sweetness
settles on the top
like a second
skin

we wake up before the alarm sounds
first a minute to ****
and then two

as we sleep
closer night after night
our legs wrapped up
like a song
lyric

I wispered Eliot into your ears, you would leave it
on Post It notes on
the fridge

we don't have photographs there
our love is not
visual

it is in touch
of breath against
neck at midnight

the tightening grip
of strong arms
around as I shake through another bad night

we know how we taste
and smell

the strawberry shampoo
that makes you want
to wrap my hair
around your tongue

I fit into you like
a fossa

our fingers resting
on the ucho
of our tea cups