your mind
is merely dancing skeletons
in the dark
take comfort
in the quickstep
and know that these
shackles will break
and you will dance upon
the heavy dew grass
again

we hate the ghosts of our pasts

because they try to teach us the things

we fear

the things we don’t want

to hear

their footsteps echoing with each bad decision we make

histories that we insist on repeating

but if we let their shackles slack

a little

we will see their guiding lights are not

blinding

but a dim glow that can illuminate our way out of

the shadows

our breath hangs in the air
as we walk midnight streets
a full moon beaming down
on our shadows

in the blink of an eye
you'll be gone from me
so I cling to your hand
as if my life depends on it

we have found our place
feet standing on pavements
built to carry the weight
of thousands

and in our hearts we carry
the weight of a thousand
kisses, a thousand fingertip brushes,
a thousand unbearable goodbyes

the girl in the red dress
haunts my dreams

twirling through my nightmares
like a ghost

taking coffee at my breakfast table
like an unwelcome house guest

she carries herself with sorrow
with the reminders of every scar on her heart
one for each time it was broken

she walks hand in hand with darkness
for she has seen it, known it, felt it
with her very fingertips

I do not look in mirrors,
for their reflection will show

that the girl in the red dress
is me

The knives of grief stab me in the heart
over and over again and again

they penetrate the beating
pulse that is keeping me alive

when that which I loved
is now merely ashes

I try to find beauty
in the chaos of
hopeless longing

for that which I can never
have again

my heart keeps
beating
beating
beating

but I am dead inside

It's getting harder to believe
that this crack in the wall
is not, in fact, a gateway
to another universe

you stand beside it
beckoning, sweetly
smiling, and you know
that I would walk hot coals
to follow you,

what is a crack in the damm?

I do not want my heart to burn with longing,
for this love to be a fire that roars when our fingers touch,
our lungs shrinking, our coughs and splutters
mixing in the air

I just want to feel warm.

I need you tonight
like every night since we met,
I close my eyes and travel
across oceans and dimensions,
in search of what?
not love.
it was never love,
just an aching need
for the connection
of two broken souls,
the meeting of a shared sadness,
I move like a ghost
between the buildings of the city,
calling out your name
into the midnight sky,
no one answers.
if we never meet again
I’ll survive,
but a part of my heart
will die forever.

Fear Him, they said,
fear for your mortal soul,

but fire is the Devil’s only weapon,
and I do not fear it,

for I have built my home out of flames,
warmed my feet against the bricks
in the deep months of winter,

struck matches against my skin
to see if I could withstand the agony

of being burnt,

and now I know, I can.

so I wrap my fingers round his horns,
and invite him to tea,

for I do not fear that,
which cannot hurt me

We pick at
the stitches of
time, as if they
will come lose
in our fingers
if we just pull
hard enough,
but there is
strength in
wounded souls
that shatters
glass as if it
is made of
sugar paper

“Do all poets wear masks?”

a stranger, unwittingly flung
into the path of the flurry
of my pen, asked me

No, I said. Only the sad ones...

“Aren’t they all sad?”

he said

(Check mate)

I curse the thunder
that tore us apart

I am drowning in the storm

the rain runs cold,
right down to my bones

you used to be my anchor
but now you’re just a ghost

haunting my heart

Like ancient Greeks
crafting words onto patched
papyrus, we are the split
at the bottom of a
kalamos with enough
ink to sign our names

We were born of
water reeds. Our salt-wrapped
hearts still float amongst
the long leaves

in the river where we drowned

I’d paint my face
with the smiles
I stole from
playgrounds
if you looked
closely, you would
see my knees
bruised and bloodied
from falling off the
swings, swinging
into the air like
a fearless bird
but I have no
wings
and fall
like hail
from the sky
onto the
asphalt

some women weep over
the men that have wronged them

but I -
I am fire

burning hearts until they are nothing but
ash -

like memories, a million microscopic bits of
dust -

I do not weep, for I am flames
warming love that has cooled

a Phoenix -
rising from love that has turned bitter

I do not weep for wrongdoings
for none have done me wrong

only given me the chance to be born again

Forget
what you think
we are

strip us down
to the bare
bones

and see what
lives beneath
the thoughtless

“I love you’s“

the kisses planted on cheeks,
unthinkingly

would we survive?
with our bones and arteries, on show,
with a pale heart pulsing out its own beat
and not the one we’ve forced upon it

is our core strong enough to withstand this test
of raw becoming

or will we fold like a house of cards
for we have no soul to show

“Don’t leave things like this.”

You said,

but you don’t get to choose anymore

your black rose soul that kept me
transfixed for so long

your deep ocean blue enchanting eyes
that told stories as old as the seas
with just a concentrated stare through me

well, those spells have broken
and I will leave you how I like

I could do it in ashes and glass, if I wanted
but I just want to quietly exit, stage left
and leave the petty performance you call love

like a lion in winter,
our love is proud,

but its dignity has been
chipped away by challenges,

we had great strength,
but age was not on our side,

we met in the autumn of our lives,
and knew we did not have

forever,

as younger lovers often talk about
so childishly, as if time is merely
there for you to tell it what you want
of it,

no, we knew, we knew

we had little time,

so make the best of it, you said

and we did,

there were no kisses in the rain,
or midnight wine under the stars,

but I think we were happy,

yet now, adversity has ripped us apart
at the seems, and left us threadbare,

no more or less than anyone,
but we didn't weather it well,

all I want is our winter,
to grow old with you,
to die with you,

I think we still have it is us,
I think we will be okay,

but pride is a deadly sin,
so please don't let us
succumb

Autumn came
and swept away the debris
that was clinging to my heart

making space for the roots of winter
that will test its resolve

in bitter frosts and pines

but ultimately -
the space is made for Spring blooms

daffodils and peonies

that will hold its hand and teach it
how to love again

knifes slashing designer shirts
their ribbons scattered across the lawn
so that everyone can see your callous
heart. Your reckless romance with a girl
who you don’t own a house with.

I smash mirrors. They say you will always see a man in the mirror, flickering between the candles. I thought that man was you.

I play her messages on the answerphone as loud as they will go. I want people to hear and know how cruel you have been.

I used to be better than this.

but love makes you weak and petty, when it is taken away.

I have shattered love
every time is was close enough
to touch

my heart, rented out to anyone
who could fill it

just for a second

just for a minute to not  
feel the emptiness

that lingers in the pit of my stomach

like the last leaf of Autumn,
clings desperately to the branch
of a bare tree

but love left no time to linger

it ran like water
between my fingers

until the puddle of heartbreak
was deep enough to drown in

guilt gathers my thoughts to you

it is still -
as a lake in high summer,

no breeze to ripple
the surface of the water,
glistening brilliant blue
under the clear skies reflection,

birds are singing overhead,
I long for their freedom and song,

but then they turn on me,
and peck at these thoughts

until they come apart,

a piñata heart,

split wide - crimson rivers of
holy wine running from my chest

into your cup.

it is your turn, now,

so drink me down,

bleed me dry as I have you,

let me shrivel up and die -

heartless.

like the woman you think I am,

I will do that for you,

I can do that for you,

(at least)

The spot where I split open
my heart like a vein
is marked with

white pebbles as smooth
as bones

in the centre
there is a pool of
ice water

I like to pludge
into

submerge myself
and fold into
the wrinkles

that appear in
crows feet

on every inch
of my skin

the shell of
my body

shaking

the bird inside
my chest

dying

as my organs
freeze

I’m not coming over tonight
to beg you to stay,

in my heart
I know it’s over,

nothing ever lasts forever,
not even promises of

we’re in this together

another cold, long night
counting down the hours until
daylight

keeping one eye on the hands
of the clock, at all times
as they chase down
time

in case they catch on
to my ever growing presence in their lives
and decide to
chase me, hunt me, pin me down

is it every insomniacs nightmare?
(If they ever slept long enough
to have one...)

that time is somehow out
to get them

playing tricks with minutes
turning hours into voids

I only hope that I shall sleep, one night
dream in peace
and no longer be haunted by
the hour hand

I am here,
sort of, I guess
physically I
exist

I have bones
and pink
cheeks

but it doesn't feel
like living

just existing

breathing with
these muscles
that sit so close
to the one that's
dying

and I thought
you would call me
tonight

but the phone
didn't ring

even when
I wasn't looking
at it

I didn't think it was
possible to hurt like
this

I didn't believe
that men could
stamp on
your heart

feel it spread
beneath their feet

and not
care

A tantalising score of lovers
lined up like shot glasses

down in one
hoping to taste gold liquor

until you realise that each one
is merely bad Sambuca

that your friends are egging you on to drink
before you can finish off the night

and go home

He could tell I wasn't real
somehow. That the space
between us was longer
that the length of his
arm. I talked less
than he did, yet he was
quiet and still

I was to go out
and find a (some)
body to build a house
with. But he is too
much of a person
to shelter under

I never wanted a
garden but I wanted
a place to lie,
to let the sun
lick my back
as I read

I read everything
I couldn't think or
say for myself,
especially to him

He is kind and
tender and
I'm not

It's getting harder to fill
the silences. For my words
to reach my mouth

and I am desperate
to be more than a
ghost searching for
a body to climb
into

the trick is in your eyes
love and lies
that twist like a knife
in my spine

a deep blue ocean
that I have drowned in
a thousand times

why do I even try?

cut loose, cut free
unshackle my hands
from your tortuous
"I love you"

that is never meant
to server anything
except you own
ego

Once again
the sound of magpies
hunting fill my head with
images of daylight

and picnics we took
under ash trees
on top of itchy
blankets

I know you only read
those books for me

to make me feel
safe in having something
to say when the conversations
turned to salaries and
mortgages

or maybe that's
unkind. Maybe you
just wanted to understand
me better

when the four ninety-nine
red wine reaches me
I taking about the poems
I'm writing

grape glazed eyes
stare, squinting through
the sun, trying not to
smile. They move on

when we are alone
again we still pretend
I lie about the friends
I met for coffee and
you tell me I look
beautiful

I wonder if you know
the way we sleep

I hope not

and you've never asked
why I crawl out of the
sheets when sleep has
taken you

I sleep on the floor
and slip back beside you
just before you
wake

we never mention doctors or pills
and you know not to hug me
too tight

I make tea for both of us
even though we don't drink
it. It's hard to shake
off the words our mothers said
about a cup curing
anything

when the birds are
still I open the window
and think of flying
to have a body light enough
to break free of
the mind

I take my first
lungful if air
but you reach out
and hold me
where my wings
should be

(they're broken now)

and I realise I'm not the
only one who pretends
to be asleep

you wrap me up
like old glass
in soft blankets

slip another book
off my bedside table
into your bag

and don't cry
until you've
shut the door

We spent 3am ,

tongues twisted in conversations
plucked from the depths of our souls

flicking cigarettes against the brickwork,
their ashes hitting the ground, silently

we counted and named each star,
ripping up the book of constellations
because it didn’t speak of
our love, our passion, our urgency

we wanted to be new, fresh, vital
as if we had the right to stamp our mark
on the sky, forever

but why not,
when we knew that our hearts
would not, could not, love each other

forever

I linger here
on the edge
of the sea

like a mermaid
waiting for
a man

to trap

with the great
cavity of my
mouth

teeth yellowed
by age and
cigarettes

I linger
like a ghost

the taste of
death is a
salt

that preserves
my body
on the outside

whist the inside
has vanished
into the ocean

like a wave

Like the desert,
your heart lives in a state of extremes

my fingers burn as I touch it, in daylight
and freeze, at night

I cannot live in its contrasting shades of heat
unstable and frantic

I have tried to tame the polarities of love

but was left broken hearted

myself

There is no honour left in love,

a simple twist of the heart
that hurts like a *****

a kick in the teeth
whose lips were just kissed

the digging of nails into a back
that has turned and walked out the door

there is no honour left in love

only cold goodbyes and empty promises
words that have no meaning
actions that have no place
moments that are out of time

if it was a game, why did I lose
without knowing the rules?

Sadness lines these walls
the way that dust
lines the corners
of books you bought
when you had a
hunger for words,

now, the act of reading
them, smooth
as their covers,
effortlessly slipping
through your mind,

I am not my sadness,
I say, over and over
like a heartbeat,
a belief so vital
to my life as
the clenching of
that *****

and yet
and yet

I am sad

our lives are in constant
contrast

we live for the moonlight
but melt under the sun

long for the ocean
but drown under the waves

our love is no different

a heart in one hand
taken by another

a lover dreaming
stolen by the morning

we live and love
in a contradiction

confused and erratic
but always

always

searching for moments
of ecstasy in the chaos

your eyes speak of dreams
that were abandoned

and as my fingers wrap around yours

I want to inject old passions into your blood

so that the fire you lost along the way
is rekindled

I want to be the flame that sets alight
those long forgotten hopes

the branches shook to hear your name

the magpies screamed when there was
nothing left

to steal

as you’d taken it all, in a fell swoop

like you’d taken my heart

brutally, dishonestly

and the branches shook

in trepidation

in case they were next

I took your strawberry jam secrets
into my mouth,
and let their sweetness rot my teeth

sugar stained lips, a lingering kiss,

I’d burn bridges for you,
without a glance over my shoulder,

walk hot coals, and relish the blisters,

but letting your strawberry jam secrets
swirl on my tongue

is perhaps the greatest way that I can say

“I’m here for you, darling.”

I listen to the storm crash
against my window

memories strike, like lightning
and I know that I instilled
the wrath of thunder

in you

and this is you, visiting
to make sure that I never forget

you

I am a mermaid

singing a siren song
to bring you home

what could be greater
than a reunion

between the lull
of lapping waves

and a life ever after

in the mysterious ocean

in the end, my darling

we are just one breath away
from drowning

sea **** tangling
like ropes around
our arms

waves washing over us
until only our bones
remain

we are just one breathe away
from drowning

and everybody loves the ocean

Your memory is etched into my mind

as permanently as though it were stone,
and someone took out a chisel
and carved out your name

I cannot forget you,

after six glasses of gin, you blur
into something more beautiful, in character  

but it is still
your face
your hands
your heart

that have woven me
in the fabric of time and space

so that I am a planet

forever in debt to your sun

wandering heart

nomad soul

my only longing is to roam

these ***** streets of pride and pity

these forests of failure and flight

I only want to know the feel

of grass between my toes

the promises
were too high
the cost of failing
to meet them
will show
in due time

poets long to be held
in the embrace of words

caressed by consonants  
held in the void with vowels

to have letters wrap around their fingers
like fingers

their sadness lies in knowing
that each poem has an ending

and that most are no more
than a drop in the ocean

of history

Love
splits us
apart

like the parting
of the sea

waves of longing
rippling between
my heart and yours

crashing against
the rocks of our souls

shattering like glass

we were holding
back the flood

learning how to navigate
the ocean

with a compass
in our arm

like a needle supplying us
with the sweetest of drugs

it was love
(always love)

sometimes

the only thing that matters

is that your heart

beats against my ear

and sometimes

the only thing that helps

me thrive

are the seeds of love

you plated in my soul

growing from the roots

of passion

climbing around your body

like Actinidia

entwined until we become

one flesh

one blood

one bone

I see your eyes
false stars in a faithless sky
begging us to try again

but luck runs dry, like water
and dull sparks cannot reignite a fire
the burnt out, long ago

I miss your touch
but it no loner warms me
or reaches my heart

farewell, faithless sky
I have to say goodbye

I was a lover of Autumn
all my life, but this year
I am dreading it

watching the leaves changing colour

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

from their branches, which are twisted
and decaying. The air thick with the
threat of Death

it will make me remember
God, will it make me think of

you