There is a star
in the sky
I’ve named
after you

it blazes
in the midnight
carpet of deep
blues and purples

it burns
in my heart
when you’re not
with me

at night
I am never
alone

and we are
never apart

I carry the weight
of the things you did to me
- in my heart
it swells and pulses with pain
no matter how much
I beg it to pulse with passion

I can’t even find the strength
to hate you as much as I hate
- myself
I spend every minute
trying to unpick the stitches
and let the wounds bleed
into words

to find my voice in the darkness
but they stick in my throat
- like stones
and I remain
silent

our love
is an illusion
of something
else

a love
of tenderness
and kindness

we kid ourselves
that we care
when really
we have grown
to hate

the sight of
each other

I sat with you
whilst you chatted endlessly
about the beginnings of the universe
at midnight, over cold beers

and I found it so funny
that you never realised
that my universe
began with you

I do not know how to
deny you anything

except my heart

I keep it locked inside my chest
like treasure

wrapped tight in veins
and arteritis

caged by bones
as strong as steel

it will take a braver man than you
to smash through

the layers of my chest
and break it

I have spent the hours of our love
listening to the waves crash against the shore
beating on my bedroom window, at night,
drinking tea from chipped cups
made with sour milk,
I longed for more,
I wanted to stretch my arms out
and devour the ocean,
let it’s power fill me with the strength
to walk away.
from only ever hearing the sound of the sea
through frosted glass,
and drinking tea that curdled in my stomach,
like my love for you has curdled,
I want the salt water of the wild ocean
to cleanse this bitter taste from my mouth,
let it consume me for it is all I want
to ride a wave away from this stagnant life

My heart opened for you
like a blood red tulip,
it’s restless beats settled
at the sound of your voice,
the way you pronounced my name
as if in a language only known to us,
our fingers wrapped together like vines,
the dark green ties that bind us forever,

But tulips live a short life
their petals wither and die,
I can only hope that in the dust
of my dead flower heart,
there will be the ashes of you