I can't believe I let you ruin me*
My skin is raw from remembering
The way you captured me
With every sip, hit, drag,
****.

let me first say, i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing
and i don't really know what this is or where to start.

i am comprised of scratched porcelain and bad dreams -
made up entirely of half-hearted attempts at sanity,
countless unspoken "i need you's",
and ever-faltering faith in myself and those around me.

i am not a poet, or at least not a good one, i don't think.
i feel a lot of things, sometimes all at once -
other times i don't feel anything at all, which scares me beyond
a level of which i am capable of explaining to you.

i nearly jumped in front of a train in april of this year. i don't know why.
my feet ventured toward the platform before it had even registered
in my head that they were doing so. i heard my best friend speak my name,
and snapped out of the trance. not a lot of people know about that.

i've been in love a lot of times with a lot of different people.
i have a fear off falling but a tendency to jump from high places.
i don't read books as much as i used to, but i'm working on that.
i'm in love right now and it's really difficult but it's nice. i'm happy.

i grew up with five brothers, so i like to think that made me sort of tough.
(but i cry every time i see a deer or a possum on the side of the road.)
i don't smoke cigarettes anymore, partly because my father hates them,
partly because they remind me too much of someone who liked them more than he liked me.

i write a lot about people who i don't talk to or see anymore. they don't live in my heart,
but the curse of memory is more often than not unbreakable. i call it leftover poetry.
then again i don't consider any of my pitiful mutterings to be poetry. just a bunch of
raggedly strung together words that sometimes rhyme a little bit.

i used to want to die and i wrote a song about it that a lot of people really liked.
i don't want to die anymore. i will never show that song to my mother.
i am much more content with watching people talk than actually talking myself.
this piece of writing feels too personal and i don't think i like it, but i'm pretty sure
Eleanor Roosevelt said something about doing one thing every day that scares you.

m.f.

It's been a dance, a long and lovely dance
Sparked by innocence across a thousand miles
And as the weeks went by there grew a knowing
We found our dancing legs and friendship turned to fire
I held you tight in my dreams each night
And we realized that there was more to come

It's been a dance, I moved a thousand miles
We shared a little bed, a rental house, and wide-eyed smiles
And then our son arrived, a blended family
With joys and challenges
Love and insecurities
But I held you tight in my arms each night
We'd greet the dawn, your head upon my heart

It's been a dance, sacred and holy
Fractured and lonely, for in time we lost our way
I would reach out to you, and you'd reach out to me
But our timing slipped as life got in the way
Then I hurt you so, and you hurt me so
And the pain drove us both down to our knees

It's been a dance, now comes the best part
We grew our wings again, remembered how to fly
Was it a miracle, or just unstoppable
Baptized by fire, anointed from on high
And I hold you tight in my arms each night
You're the closest thing to heaven that I've known

Now take my hand, the band is playing
Share this one last dance before I have to go
Kiss the kids for me, hold them tenderly
Tell them it won't be long before Dad gets back home
And I'll hold you tight in my dreams each night
You'll be the face that I see when I awake
The dance goes on and on
You will wait for me, I'll return to you
The dance goes on and on
I am home to you, you are home to me
The dance goes on

I wanna sit down and have a coke with you,
Oh there's so much I could say
I don't like coffee or coke but I'll drink then anyway
I'm gonna lay my cards out on this table
And hope you won't walk away
I'm not going to try and be her, that's not what I'm about
I'm sure many people have been in this rocking boat, wishing they're good enough
So here it goes:
I'm a little strange (but you knew that one anyway)
I lose interest far too fast but only someone like you could make it last
I pick people who would never think of me that way simply because I like the chase
And when I saw you, well I could give you any number of cliches
I don't like Oreos or pizza very much
And sometimes I feel so out of touch
I would struggle to tell you a Jay-Z song, but could talk about Lewis Watson all night long
I'm not very good at art and I see all these pictures of couples and just feel so inadequate because I'm not graceful or elegant and I certainly don't look good in just anything, and my clothes will never be 'oh this old thing'
I don't dress like everybody else and I have to wear shoes with chunky soles to give me some height
Oh and I've seen Justin Bieber, twice
I have this mental family you see, and I'm really lucky to be as sane as I am, I had it hard growing up, parents weren't there and when they finally were it's because they had another child. My Dad's first boy and my Mum's baby, so it was pretty hard growing up.
My babysitter fed me till I has chubby and round and it's been a long time losing all that baby fat
I finally feel comfortable in who I am, even though I struggle to get organised and am not the most well-rounded pupil in my school, achieving 4 As while being part of the debating, rugby, maths and French teams
I didn't know what existentionalism was until a smart guy in my English class told me,  but I'm not ashamed
Because I like who I am.
There are a lot of nice things, too
I am thoughtful and will do little things to make you happy
I have eyes that go golden and freckles on my face
My ***** are a comfortable resting place
I would never let you down and I love with all my soul
I'm spontaneous and like to do fun things and just drive to the other side of the country for the day, or fly to Italy
I'd never run out of ideas of new things we could do, or places we could go
But just like Ed, I'd be equally happy just to stay on the sofa with you
I have lots of interesting stories from things that happened in my day
And I give good kisses and hugs
And I know, dressed up, I could blow you away
I know this isn't much of a love poem, really, but it's been hard to let go of what has come before, and not to make comparisons. But you're the first person that's stolen my breath away and turned it into the evening zephyr.
Usually my words are poetic and metaphorical, but I told you I'd lay it all down. And whilst these are words I would never (could never) say, I hope they find their way to you, anyway.
Very sincerely yours.

To dance
To wish
To hurl yourself into
     the whirlwind of a world

To inspire
To create
To experimenting mix
        these colours of the mind

To live
To die
Perchance to dream
        span time until eternity

"To be
   then still
           To be"