I'm not an aura to bask in
I'm not a butterfly in a cage
I'm not meant to be on a pedestal
I'm meant to be on a stage

I'm not a light in your darkness
I've just got light shining on me
I'm not an adrenaline rush to chase
just because you find me exciting

Romanticizing is isolating
and I don't find it flattering
If you put me in a box
I'm always going to be exiting

And I won't be held accountable
for your inability to truly see
that I'm not an experience
to live up to your day dreams

You don't know me
you know what I let you see
and then you fill in the blanks
and expect me to start performing

I wish you didn't write in ink
because I can't erase what you think
no matter what I correct
there's still residue
of what you thought I owed you

When it's nothing

It finally started raining
the same day we called it quits
too many days of distance
We needed a shift that wasn't in my gears
I can't keep screaming words into closed ears
you're the rubber and I'm glue; nothing sticks to you
But maybe part of me was rubber too
because I never could love as much as you
But I could never show it as little as you do
Words only hold substance if action shines with them
and senses only gain strength with wisdom
So I'll do my best to consider this a gift
most lessons are
I don't need a shooting star
I need the rain

How can anyone love you
if you don't love yourself?
That's the **** they say
when someone's self hatred is getting in the way
of everyone else having a good time
I'm sorry I'm feeling so down
I wanna love myself more
but I don't think I gotta do that first to be deserving
so I stopped showing, I stopped going
and now I'm a little too used to isolating
I'm trying to find small steps towards changing
it's marathon not a race
but I still feel like all I can do is sprint
if it isn't happening over night, I'm not in it
and that's a cop out from reality
good things take time, but I'm hungry
I want to taste the change instantly
just blame it on my ADHD

Time
I always want more time
I can't get any more time
I want to crush it up and snort a line
of purely time
time that's all mine
I want to feel free and unhinged
and
I love my hair after a day of adventure,
it's dusty, it's musty
the smell reminds me of old books
holding something special within their pages
just like I hold within my strands
I don't want to have shaky knees when I stand
I want to run without loosing my breath
I want to run without it hurting my chest
and
I don't want to be treated like a vacation
I'm not your escape from reality
because I ******* live there too
I’m not something to discover
I'm don't have soil to push your flag pole into
Because I’m just as lost as you
and I've got a feeling you think you have a map
Drink another cup of coffee and wake up
This isn't a game you've played before
can't use old tactics to get her
and if it’s gonna be a game
rest assured, I play it better  
I just want more time
time that's mine
I don't have any more to give to you
I don't have any more energy to try

Our northern winter bled on for so long
the green of spring still feels like a hallucination
I'm addicted to the smell and the nostalgia rushing
I'm willingly taking the next dose
getting eye level with the soil
and snorting it up my nose
Because I want to feel this way forever
I want to feel an eternal spring
but isn't the point of winter
to feel what the ending brings?

White walls and grey cupboards
old wood frames and rubber stoppers
I'm in a new state of mind
In a new environment, but it's all mine
I'm ready to start something new
I'm thirsty and need to fill my cup
it's open in every single direction
and I'm only looking up
Cause I'm not ready to start spinning
and finding my footing
only when my face smashes into the ground
I'm just focusing on the walls around me
and learning their sounds
I'm finding my groove
after some pretty big moves
I'm learning my speed
slowly
surely

Sometimes, I still view relationships in adulthood as if I were a kid. It's important to enjoy playing together, otherwise, we will just argue and not have fun when we try to. So why push it? Better to accept we aren't good at playing together & stay out of each other's business.