getting mad about making sacrifices
that no one asked you to make
always keeping track of exactly what you give
and never what you take

headphones hit a little different sometimes
melody striking me right in the ******* spine
I wanna break open every feeling I'm suppressing
tired of keeping my own self guessing
on what's gonna get conjured up next
I'm not saving money, so I won't make bets
I'm spending
so I'd rather take another loss
rewind me, get that dust off me, what's the cost?
I've got light leaks bleeding into my brain
nostalgia like film strips developing in wood stain
I wanna find a new way to dig deep
I wanna find a melancholy that doesn't seep
into the depths of me that end up poisoning
it doesn't belong in my bloodstream
but it enters through my lungs
I breathe it in every time I think
which is constant, and burying
I'm ready to move into a new year
find a new perspective that's a little more clear
get a new grip on reality
that doesn't give me blisters or make me bleed
feel the wind on my face
that doesn't come with a warning
I'm already freezing

you know I'm like the moon
I shine in darkness
so I seek it

Feeling disconnected from my sense of self
struggling with my mental health
the symmetry of the struggle
mirroring itself in all of our faces
all while feeling out of place
not wanting to take up too much space
or waste any more time
because it keeps passing by faster
and my eyes keep fluttering
looking out the window trying to catch a sight
but all I've got are these headlights
tunnel visioning on a destination
that I don't have the directions to
I'd ask, but I don't think I should
hell, I don't even know who would
so I'll keep driving
high beams on empty streets
just waiting for the next exit

Do you ever dream so vividly
It feels like a real memory

obsessive
compulsive
distracted
explosive
redundant
forgetful
abundant

I feel lost in a lull
that I keeping humming along to
wondering if you ever feel remorseful
but that's like wishing on a star
and expecting it to come true
admirable, but ultimately delusional
I wanna move on gracefully
but I don't think that's how I operate
I'm a little messy with good intentions
not always open to cooperate
with anyone but my own conscience
autumn dives me under the surface of my nostalgia
and I stay underwater, I like the drama
but I can only take so much
before I start to sink in too deep
help me find the surface
before these depths start to speak

I've got things to say about the leaves. Every poet does. Every artist. Or maybe the leaves just have things to say. They're letting it all out. Letting it go. Crunch. I wanna strip down my darkness into individual leaves of memories that I can let the wind take away. Crunch. Crutch. There's some memories the wind just never takes away no matter the weather. They're seemingly staying forever. Perpetual states of their imprints exist like a leaf pressing that was preserved in a stone. And all I'm thinking is that I need a rake. And perhaps more strength for all the leaves I need to shake off.