You don't want a partner,
you want to punish your mother.
Go ahead big guy,
bring it out on your lover!
Then wail afterwards that's its just another
crazy ex-girlfriend that you couldn't control...
You threw at me videos, podcasts, and quotes,
and claimed you knew so much more, so woke!
The anxious attachment dogma fit you like a glove,
but only to mesh with excuses that you love...
And you dropped them everywhere constantly,
every bad treatment towards me
was because of something once traumatizing
while telling me I need to keep
all of my trauma in the ring
because you didn't have time for a ******* thing.
I couldn't afford any more parts of myself to give.
So you chewed me up, spit me out
mixed in with your pride & half-assed will to live
Expecting others to rise to a level
that you're drowning under in your own *******
the same **** you're waist deep and wading in
all while thinking you're on dry land
condemning everyone to move from the spot in which you stand.
Because you didn't want a partner
you wanted a mother figure, turned into a lover
that you could smother, then suddenly leave.
Someone you could trigger, then bereave.
Never holding yourself accountable
for a ******* ******* thing
adding insult to injury
as long as you're living

I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy

I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
How surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met...
I was your decade long conquest, only for it to end in embers
That I use as fuel for my art;
expressions & confessions of another broken heart...
I was the incorrectly sized puzzle piece
to your stupid teenage dream
of having a punk rock queen on your arm
or wherever you found a good place to put me
Because aesthetics were more important
than you ever let on
I was a patch you sewed in
but never ironed on
and it didn't take long for that thread to break
in hindsight I was dealing with more than I could take.
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
how surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met.

Another creepy man
defending another
projecting their narratives
to erase the other
Especially if the other
is coming from a woman's lips
How dare you speak boldy!
someone shut her up with a kiss!
How dare you speak shamelessly
about the men who made you feel unsafe
How dare you turn a scary thing
into something with a funny face
I don't need to prove to you or any man
that where I belong is my current space.
And I will continue to take it up!
If you're thirsty, grab a sippy cup
grow the **** up

Maybe I'm not as strong as I let on
but it's how I crave to be perceived
to anyone who sees..
I want to be seen as resilient,
watch me fight through it
The same old heartbreak *******, we've all seen it...
And the familiar disappointment
of only seeing the red flags in hindsight
This pain and bull isn't sustainable,
but maybe I'm addicted to the thrill...
Love me so deeply you want to ****
The same way loving a toxic man
kills off all of my will
to keep my hands & mind busy
in my own ******* orbit
so I do anything I can
to subconsciously destroy it
And then without even realizing,
suddenly I'm drowning
I'm so tired of getting ****** in
and getting pulled out to sea
victimized by someone
constantly victimizing themselves of something
is just as confusing as it is entirely exhausting
So when I finally break free,
I keep running like there's no tomorrow
And while I don't believe I'm necessarily hiding from my sorrow,
I think I just don't know how to greet it yet;
I don't know how to treat it yet...
Another heartbreak on a list of crass men
that I'm still getting used to the greyscale
of taking off my rosy sights from...
I want to have rose colored glasses
that don't need wearing
but rather, embodying
because they say sometimes it's just about your perspective
so I'm adapting to new ways that I can shift and shape it
I feel it all, I bury it, I dig it up, and then create ****

No future here, only a past
No more throat burning nonsense
Emotional walls stained with incense
You need someone weaker
and I'm not her