I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy

I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
How surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met...
I was your decade long conquest, only for it to end in embers
That I use as fuel for my art;
expressions & confessions of another broken heart...
I was the incorrectly sized puzzle piece
to your stupid teenage dream
of having a punk rock queen on your arm
or wherever you found a good place to put me
Because aesthetics were more important
than you ever let on
I was a patch you sewed in
but never ironed on
and it didn't take long for that thread to break
in hindsight I was dealing with more than I could take.
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
how surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met.

Another creepy man
defending another
projecting their narratives
to erase the other
Especially if the other
is coming from a woman's lips
How dare you speak boldy!
someone shut her up with a kiss!
How dare you speak shamelessly
about the men who made you feel unsafe
How dare you turn a scary thing
into something with a funny face
I don't need to prove to you or any man
that where I belong is my current space.
And I will continue to take it up!
If you're thirsty, grab a sippy cup
grow the **** up

Maybe I'm not as strong as I let on
but it's how I crave to be perceived
to anyone who sees..
I want to be seen as resilient,
watch me fight through it
The same old heartbreak *******, we've all seen it...
And the familiar disappointment
of only seeing the red flags in hindsight
This pain and bull isn't sustainable,
but maybe I'm addicted to the thrill...
Love me so deeply you want to ****
The same way loving a toxic man
kills off all of my will
to keep my hands & mind busy
in my own ******* orbit
so I do anything I can
to subconsciously destroy it
And then without even realizing,
suddenly I'm drowning
I'm so tired of getting ****** in
and getting pulled out to sea
victimized by someone
constantly victimizing themselves of something
is just as confusing as it is entirely exhausting
So when I finally break free,
I keep running like there's no tomorrow
And while I don't believe I'm necessarily hiding from my sorrow,
I think I just don't know how to greet it yet;
I don't know how to treat it yet...
Another heartbreak on a list of crass men
that I'm still getting used to the greyscale
of taking off my rosy sights from...
I want to have rose colored glasses
that don't need wearing
but rather, embodying
because they say sometimes it's just about your perspective
so I'm adapting to new ways that I can shift and shape it
I feel it all, I bury it, I dig it up, and then create ****

No future here, only a past
No more throat burning nonsense
Emotional walls stained with incense
You need someone weaker
and I'm not her

No memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
that I store
in the darkest corners that I can find
I wish there were corners dark enough
to hide you away inside of my mind
but those will never be
just like you & me
I miss scratching my nails on your jeans
and missing your kids still feels foreign
but I'm working on things...
And while your actions are the source
of where so much of my behavior came,
I hold accountability mixed with looming shame
I wasn't my best self when I was with you
and for a little bit we both were really trying
but there was so much crying
and even though I always thought it was healing
I didn't realize it was only building
reasons for you to eventually leave
and tell me "you're too much for me"
when my "too much" was something
you were once loving
admiring
and revering
pull from my spine
all these feelings I can't get rid of
I wish for your memories of me
to remain only with gold ties along their edges
there's damage in your lips and mine
I never wanted any of this