hollow gazes
overwhelming anger
off & on in stages
boring & predictably maddening
emotionally manipulating
verbally abusing
I never thought I'd end up dealing
with ******* of this caliber
but I had to learn
how to rip it off and burn
like a tick burrowing in to my skin
one pull isn't good enough
there needs to be burn marks or it isn't done
because you were my own personal parasite
a ride or die I didn't ask for, no end in site
when all I want is you to leave me alone
caught me in a vulnerable state
and called it a date
you're delusional if you thought this would last
there's no future here, only a past
no more throat burning nonsense
emotional walls stained with incense
and you claim they're all convictions
that you just happen to forget over night
there's nothing left in me to fight
months of running the **** away from you
told me to go **** myself? you can too
you need someone weaker
and I'm not her

easy to see
who wanted me to stay unhappy
easier to now be exiting
all the boxes I've been put in by others my entire life
it gets so exhausting
codependency lost in a void
any move I make dictated by eggshells I avoid
but I know
it won't break my skin to step down
because even if I step lightly
new fires start after one burns out...
...and they did...
my wounds are still blistering,
but I'm not guilty
and I'm not apologizing.
if you wanted what's best for me, you'd be calling
but it was a connection made in vain
now drown in your own selfish rage
I'm not staying miserable so you stay comfortable
I'm burning this bridge, turning this page
of the chapter that's never closed
with the secrets no one knows
and I don't want to remember
I can't be pulled down a moment longer
I feel so much strong than ever before
I always knew I needed more
so I took it and ran
I'm standing in open land
with shadows and stars
bottomless bowls and dusty bars
I've got sunshine kissing my skin clean
it's easy to see

drunk on bridges
off the wobegon trails
dangling feet over the interstate
looking for thrills
aluminum clanking in my backpack
holding your hand in the pitch black
I reached for the stars with you...
trains and planes
stars and skies
water and roads
all through tired eyes...
back then,
I'd lose sleep if it meant I was with you
back then,
I'd lose convictions if it meant keeping you
years pass and I'm still on the fence
my heart still sits in suspense
because I always thought you'd come back
I always thought you'd see me
though deep down I know I don't want that

you give me nostalgia, baby
I've got butterflies, it's crazy
you are rose colored glasses personified
you are all the romance I have glorified
and sometimes vilified..
after too many faults of past lovers confused my psyche
too many faults of my past loving mocking me... internally...
while externally, you've got me tongue tied and dizzy
I'm falling into a daze from your vibrato
while you strum your guitar and sing in the echo
I just want to stare at your aura
dive right in and start exploring...
got me feeling sensations I haven't felt for so long
vulnerability usually makes me feel weak,
but it's hard to feel anything but stronger
lately
I wanna spend time with you longer
you give me nostalgia, baby
for memories we haven't even made,
it's crazy

Feels like I've got something besides apathy
kicking up gravel in my mind's empty streets...
I haven't bothered paving a path for anyone here,
I'm too tired.
But I'm stimulated around you,
got me ******* wired.
You have ideas, and I've got ideas, I'm inspired.
But vulnerability makes me short-circuit,
just a little bit...
I do better with a mask of confidence, I work it.
But I've got baggage,
and with it I carry so much shame..
I haven't unpacked my suitcases in years,
despite my trip being over the minute I came...
and some I never left...
I'm swimming in seas of my own empathy
turned apathy
turned co-dependency...
my love was never present, I'm never transparent
but I've got so much love to give,
and I'd like to start with you...
you've got me staying up late again,
got me howling at the moon...
I wanna know you, more of you, all of you
I want to see what you feel like
more often than not
give that sweetness, give me gut rot
give me those butterflies, give me a shot
you've got so much of what I want
kiss me before dawn, don't move on

the disappointment of loving
always thirsty for the beginning
always avoiding the ending
even when I know it's time
even when their body feels foreign next to mine
I don't have any more energy to fight
but at least I'm not alone tonight

I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do