you give me nostalgia, baby
I've got butterflies, it's crazy
you are rose colored glasses personified
you are all the romance I have glorified
and sometimes vilified..
after too many faults of past lovers confused my psyche
too many faults of my past loving mocking me... internally...
while externally, you've got me tongue tied and dizzy
I'm falling into a daze from your vibrato
while you strum your guitar and sing in the echo
I just want to stare at your aura
dive right in and start exploring...
got me feeling sensations I haven't felt for so long
vulnerability usually makes me feel weak,
but it's hard to feel anything but stronger
lately
I wanna spend time with you longer
you give me nostalgia, baby
for memories we haven't even made,
it's crazy

Feels like I've got something besides apathy
kicking up gravel in my mind's empty streets...
I haven't bothered paving a path for anyone here,
I'm too tired.
But I'm stimulated around you,
got me ******* wired.
You have ideas, and I've got ideas, I'm inspired.
But vulnerability makes me short-circuit,
just a little bit...
I do better with a mask of confidence, I work it.
But I've got baggage,
and with it I carry so much shame..
I haven't unpacked my suitcases in years,
despite my trip being over the minute I came...
and some I never left...
I'm swimming in seas of my own empathy
turned apathy
turned co-dependency...
my love was never present, I'm never transparent
but I've got so much love to give,
and I'd like to start with you...
you've got me staying up late again,
got me howling at the moon...
I wanna know you, more of you, all of you
I want to see what you feel like
more often than not
give that sweetness, give me gut rot
give me those butterflies, give me a shot
you've got so much of what I want
kiss me before dawn, don't move on

the disappointment of loving
always thirsty for the beginning
always avoiding the ending
even when I know it's time
even when their body feels foreign next to mine
I don't have any more energy to fight
but at least I'm not alone tonight

I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

I’m not always in a state of tragedy, my art helps take it out of me. Perhaps it’s bittersweet to not always resemble what you create on the surface. I think it just means you have to dig a little deeper. Vulnerability is laboring.

first real love ****
the memories are always distorted
the longer time moves on
and the more time that passes
the more I see everything different
I see images like water flowing over a window pane
sometimes I wish it wasn't so blurry
just like these photos
taken in reflections of a greyhound's windows & ceilings  
it was so cold outside, even for January
I was with someone I loved
but even back then it was blurry
we went to Chicago on an overnight bus
left from Minneapolis on an adventure for us
he took me places
and I took him
he was my gps always leading me somewhere new
a few months later
he left at different stop while I kept riding
I soaked the denim of my mother's jeans
as I cried into her knees
it's been ten years and I think I'm still wandering
melting down ice with my fingertips on windows
following the blurred lights
and while I know I'll never love you again
I'll always love you back then