Ingrained in me, stuck with me.
The darkness never really leaves.
It hides until it starts to bleed.
An old friend returning dramatically.
Traumatically.
Bold as can be.
The company longed for by misery.
I’ve become less afraid of it lately.
It’s hiding.
The sun is shining.
I can make it out to the other side fine then.
Just keep finding the light.

I never wanted your hands on me anyway
You haunt me still in so many ways

and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score

my memories exist
like cinematic moments
of excellence
of sadness
of beauty
of cruelty
in my mind
all the time
I remember every shadow
every shade of blue
I remember you
I still feel you
I've told you my brain is always busy
I mean it and it's exhausting
I'm stoic and vague
distracted like it's a plague
I've been wearing the same old flannel  
for three ******* weeks straight
I want to be good
I want to feel good
damaged goods
but I'm good

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

hard to love
hard to find the time
unambitious obsessive compulsive
the small details are repulsive
reaching for anything to grab on to
under water and blue
you're always wondering what I'm up to
stop saying you want to pick at my brain
I pick at it enough on my own
sometimes I feel that if I screamed loud enough
I could burst myself into flames
passion burns brighter than most things
and winter was more than just a season
it's a state of mind that I'm ready to shake off
where there hell have I been the past three years?
I don't recognize my body
I don't recognize my mind
I'm losing track of time
but I'm on the upswing
at least, I think
I've got to swim, not sink

talking ****
about who's the most authentic
overly obsessed
with aesthetics
only interested
in what someone can offer them
only interested
in what they can gain
it's all the **** same
and I'm so ******* bored
been here so many times before
give me the honest ****
make me almost afraid of it
do no harm but take no ****
that's my aesthetic
but my ego gets in the way too
my shame gets me in trouble
gives me these moody ******* blues
can't help but bring it out on you sometimes
and I say **** I don't mean
I'm a hypocrite cause I just wanna feel seen
and heard
like everyone else
imposter syndrome makes me feel pathetic
what the **** even is aesthetic
just roll with it
get the **** over it