we've all got something,
an old feeling we're chasing...
vivid memories cling to me
persons, places, and things
I know they only matter to me
like crisp night bike rides down dimly lit residential streets
but I want to share them.
remember them.
make someone feel something
like I did
all those nights ago...
feels like re-watching my favorite show...
or I don't know
it's nostalgia baby
I'm the nostalgia lady
the overwhelming abstract familiarity
of something you once knew...
when I get those nostalgic scents
I feel it, doesn't matter what it is
bus engine exhaust reminds me of when my heart was still his.
condensation on coke bottles remind me of the cold floor
the cracked door
the drunk 20-somethings, such a bore...
when I was in middle school
I used to write the hockey player's jersey numbers
on my hands and notebooks when I thought they were cute
some people would catch on, they got real rude
back the ******* dude  
why are you looking
I'd pretend it was my lucky number
that it was only coincidence
I'd say, you better not tell him
they always did
fourteen years old, I couldn't tell you what love was
don't know if even I could now
some days I think I just might hate you
being wrapped up in your delusions is gonna break you
think you're too far gone for them to make you better
and I just keep thinking about other ****...
why do I think life would be easier if I was skinnier?
what a ******* trainwreck...
nostalgia for lighter days,
I'm high for days on end...
I can't pretend I'm on the mend to make you feel better
anxiety says the old me feels best, but I want to forget her
I'm tripping on expectations of future lovers
as if I've already met them
I'd like to call them my future canker sores
after the crash and burn we'll be gargling salt water
turn and spit
repeat and pick up where we left off when we get bored
scars are scores
I'll just get high to Lana
act like I don't give a **** about your new lover
in some new poem about how you ****** me up for good

For the past two years, my depression has been slithering across my brain like a snake in the grass. Like a bug I can't squish. Like a smudge I can't clean off completely, no matter how much I scratch, scrub, or scrape. I'm a realist with an imagination. I know what's happening in my brain. I recognize my triggers, my bad influences, and the surroundings in which I exist that contribute directly to my unhappiness. But what good does knowing do me? The snake started slithering again. I can know the chemical imbalances... but what good does knowing them do me? I have the chemical symbols tattooed on my forearms to remind me, since I was 20. I'm tired of these tattoos, too, if I'm being honest. They don't help like they used to. I want to cover them up. I've always loved butterflies. Maybe I'll do that. I wish I cared enough, to be able to hate them enough, to then have the drive necessary to save the money, make the appointment, and get them covered up. I keep feeling my desires to once again reinvent myself bubbling up from the very depths of me, but when it comes up, I stare at my desire in the face, and I turn & run away from it and curl up inside of the shell of myself.

The snake started slithering again.
I feel it across my brain...
I know it so well,
I've given it a name.
I want to forget it,
but it all stays the same.

I feel like I've got a double ******* chin
what a win for the year
I've got a terrible relationship with the mirror
**** whatever it is that makes me so ashamed of my weight
and **** whatever man wouldn't **** me because of my weight
I've got a lot of good **** to offer
so whatever
life isn't about being happy all the time
it strikes misery and I still gotta do my grind
life doesn't give me the ******* at a good time
just for my convenience
life doesn't care about my convenience
or your convenience
just be unhappy for a little while
swim around in your stomach's bile
maybe you'll learn something new
but it's hard to see the light in different shades of dark blue
it's there in the headlights on the highway on a midnight cruise

must be pure bliss in your world
no regard for anyone while you twirl
I wish I could throw you off your axis
wish I could throw you wider than your mouth is
smiling while you're *******
about something new that's annoying
while you leech on to the naive and what they're giving
you've got the knife for my back on a clip in your boot
you're ready to strike and I'm ready to lose
fighting you isn't worth it
bullheaded beyond reason and it makes me sick
you make me ******* sick
you're the worst type of person to know
you're the worst person I know

I get lumped into that same category
of the ***** you hate because of your insecurities
(I've got a lot of insecurities myself)
making new friends is exhausting
(but isn't always)
and I'm tired of being read wrong
(even writing this is dangerous)
I love all of my friends till the end
(and trust me, I've got some good ones,
this goes out to the old shady ones,
the ones who gripped the knife, drove in the tip
then acted like they wanted to help me find out who did it)
but my silence is my self-defense
to be made to feel poisonous ***** with my head
if we can pick **** up where we left off
that's a friend to me, & a bond that's tough
I keep to myself
but I've got your back if you've got mine
my door is always open if you need a little time
to figure out what's going on in your head
I've got time even if I'm in bed
we'll smoke a joint about it
I'll lift you up
all while I'm in my own pit
of misery... are you here for me?
and yeah, I get it
my internal nature makes people unsure
my hidden anxiety and self-doubt makes it all blur
got you thinking “what the **** is wrong with her?”
but what the **** was wrong with you?
The minute you betrayed me I was through
after that,
if you think I'm constantly wondering what you're up to
you should find a different surface than a mirror to look into
I've got my own ****
lots of it
and I'd always hope you'd be there at the end of it
but I got quiet
& unless I was constantly in-motion and talking, reassuring
I'm not important...
I'm the negative side of alluring
I know it's easy to go straight to gossiping
you create a different version of me in your head
because of things left unsaid
you're a big girl
I wish you had used your words instead
I know you'd like it a lot if there was something I had said
to make you this upset
but I was quiet.
I'm just like you.
lost and stuck in my head
unsure of what to do
and I'm a good ******* friend
it's a shame it had to end
but I'm glad you took your misery around another bend
lower your expectations
and get over yourself again
until you get yourself another quiet friend
that you can't quite control
you're on a roll
and completely miserable

so many women say
they wish they could shave their heads completely
I think it's cause we feel it'd be freeing
there's gotta be a deeper meaning
but I won't get into it
I'm running from the reality I'm being smacked with
I don't feel free, like me, at all
wish I had someone to ******* talk to
or just someone at all
someone new, someone not as toxic as you
I wish I had a different door to walk through
or smash through
look in the mirror... do I even know you?
time is ticking and you've gotta pull through...
do you ever feel pieces of your personality being taken from you?
I find myself hating people the most
when they remind me of myself
or, at least the dark parts
the parts that hurt other people blindly
the same parts of others that have hurt me
I'm tired of co-dependency
I don't think I'm as lonely as I claim to be
I think I'm thirsty for being alone with me

I had a pair of purple courderoy overalls
second grade, I felt ******* sweet
I had some pretty big feet
still do
twelve minus two
fast forward to
twenty four plus two, nothing's new
I need a good burn cruise
maybe some new music to listen to
I used to try too hard sometimes
overall, I'm pretty apathetic (I care too much)
being addicted to an aesthetic feels pathetic
looking the part still won't make you get it
I'm not looking to be understood
I'm not sure you could
what a cliche
it's okay