ghosts inside of my head
i want them dead
there is no need for this balancing act
my tempest
my stormy sea of a heart
you're the captain of my vessels
you flow through me
but you make me bleed
it hurts to think about you
the frost on your windows
traveled to a new one
warped glass and chipping
I keep getting caught and start bleeding
it hurts to want you
I'm tired of wanting you
I'm tired of wishing you'd want me too
I'm tired of you
I could fall asleep easier
without you tip-toeing across my brainwaves
barely walking
but floating
my chest hurts, I feel so blue
you say I'm powerful
but I never am when it comes to you

I'm not interesting enough
to entertain you forever

I'll never forget...
when I was eating less and less...
when I was doing more drugs than I ever have...
I was told in shock every time someone saw me
how great I looked.
now I only see the shock in the eyes.
it's not heard from the mouth anymore.
I feel it when your eyes dip lower
and you don't tell me how great I look.
but you ask me how I'm doing.
I'm okay.
be careful what you say.

I want to re-do what I wrote
on the fog on your window
when we smoked too many cigs
and I was getting too many zits
in places I wasn't used to getting zits
I felt unsexy
but you made me feel worthy
and I'm not asking for much
wish we coulda stayed good that month
among all the hustle and crunch
we lost sight of ourselves somewhere along the bank
in the fog that collected on your windows before we sank
and we went deep
I think we're still asleep
I'm not hearing the voices
only feeling the urges
and I'm not strong enough to run away yet
but I was back then

I feel anxious right now
and unromantic
is that a word?
I could google it but I don't care that much
apathetic and it's my curse and crutch
time has me tripping
keeps going faster while I'm spinning
I normally try to be more clever
but I'm feeling a bit more anxious than ever
**** isn't helping like it usually does
I'm aching from the inside out
I want to feel better
I want to feel cleaner
I want to be better
I want to be leaner
of course
who doesn't
I'm stress eating and I wish I wasn't
I wanna feel ******* ****
even if I'm a little more squishy
call me baby and make me crazy
my hips can still swing
I can still make you sing ******* soprano
if that's what I'm feeling
and when I'm honest like this in poems
it makes me nervous as if I need to share it
because I can't keep my creations secret
maybe it's because attention is a drug and I need it
but maybe I just like creating something only to rid it
from the pits of me
open the windows of my ribcage and set it free
maybe stick out a ******* if it's hurting me
but most things I create are meant for healing me
from what's causing agony
anyway
I'm not sure where to wrap up thoughts like these
I'm watching Sunset Blvd. on the tv
black and white soothes me
like a wicked dream

almost started to chase after you
glad that moment found the exit turn
just like a flash
kind of like how you entered
and ****, I was was so well sheltered
I sometimes wish
you would have kept walking the day we fell in
creeping across my brain
you can't be touched by asprin
you're a headache wrapped in a heartache
and I'm ******* tired of laying awake
you're way ahead of me and I'm tripping
I've got broken toenails from all your breaks in the concrete
in cement sealed secrets we left between the sheets
in between a smoke break and a beer
hot sauce dripping on black leather
you had books but no bookshelf
said you'd rather build one for cheaper
and that was ******* ****
sawdust coated
steal toed footing
tobacco dipping
still ******* tripping
losing my footing
where was I going...
shut the ******* door behind you as you go
better yet
I'll hold it open for you while telling myself "I told you so!"
you're always ******* with me
I see it and it remains unseen
I'm country boy weak

wondering if I'm breaking through to rock bottom yet
but I think I just gotta get used to it
time has changed me and it's moving fast
lot of good women with a lot of bad pasts
gotta look past my own if I wanna last...
and drop that victim ****!
this is how life is...
pushing against the current,
wondering if it's worth it...
I've got an anchor on my ankles,
a voice in an empty vessel...
spiraling seas,
of thoughts, maybe voices...
victim **** is victimless,
until you're victim to their cringe-worthy-ness...
and I get you're under some sort of stress,
the darkness is what treats you best...
but everyone dances in the shadows
you're not rolling in this **** solo