summer is lonely
without direction
and I'm ******
I prefer living in the shadows
and imagining dreamy tones
lost on auto pilot
foggy days
time is a concept that has gone away
but I still feel like I have something to say
nothing comes out or up anyway
but maybe that's okay
for just a few more days

Despite my
darkness and
perceived sadness
I'm actually pretty fun
to joke around with
And laugh with
And smile with
I survive
Through my expressions of darkness
Because it makes the darkness
productive
and not
destructive
I am happy
And strong
And have been
all along
:)

self-medicating
they say not to believe everything you think
go for a walk, they say
your depression can't make you sink too deep
you're stronger than you think
and I ******* know it
but my legs broken
and stuck in drying cement
I lost sight long ago
of where my happiness went
and it's damaging
it's not rewarding
self-medicating
another beer, another bowl
another tear, another stroke
wearing the same thing every day
and people wanna talk about it like it's funny
emma doesn't wanna change her clothes
must be because she likes to smoke
don't ask me if I'm okay
I won't answer honestly anyway
and you don't wanna know
so just tell me a joke
you've got an easy yolk
full gas tank, but I'm broke
I'd drive myself away from me forever if it was easier
only taking pit stops to touch the sky to please her
I know what I want
I've got dreams & ideas,
I could take that shot...
but it's easier to lay here
wondering when it's gonna get better
when I'm gonna free the inner me & meet her
wasting time in this darkness
losing my drive to channel it out
writing about it to water it down
stings less when it's drowning in something weaker
still wasting time begging to myself to free her
talking in third person doesn't seem crazy
with your third eye open ...
glands and spirituality ...
why it's seen as magical
is beyond me
but I dig the vibe still
whether or not it's real
keep it that way, is what they always say
keep it real, & that's how you'll feel
tell me what they say
about when it's gonna heal
because this **** is getting old
I'm catching up & losing time
with a bruising soul
I need the darkness
to give me back my self-control

not sure who I currently am...
I feel like I'm rolling around
in-between a lesson
& a mental breakdown
the twenty-something *******
attempting to be an above-it *****
where your scratches don't itch
& I'm never distracted by dramatic ****
but I am
and they do
I'm not putting me over you
I've seen this view before
I'm feeling stillness and a pull
feeling like I'm on cruise control
programmed responses
to predicted reactions
I'm fine, how are you
what's up, what's happening
I'm annoying myself
and it's ******* fantastic
where are you?

maybe one day I'll be worth millions
that day probably being when I die
addicted to my expressions
trying to determine a worth to sell for my life
we're all stuck in our nine to fives
I get it baby,
I don't feel that alive either
I'm working every day to free her
I'm working to be her
I'm working to see her
again
not around the bend
maybe tomorrow by ten
I'm finding out
so much more than I've been before
I've got cuts on the roof of my mouth
because biting tongues doesn't do any good anymore
I'm alive in my complexities
love me in paint stained sheets
while I cover up what I don't want you to see
swirled into my reality
while remaining a mystery

I keep writing in my journal
"remember why you came here"
now it's all my mind hears
sometimes you can't go
until you're sent
whatever that meant
and I'm tired
wish I didn't get so bored by you
wish I didn't get so indoors with you
I know you'd like it if I was more in tune
with you
and wanna do what you wanna do
I'm a liar in my ways
but honest in how I spend my days
I'm not looking for a fix
I'm not wondering if we're a good mix
because we won't be
right when we think we are
the clouds in my eyes are covering the stars
can't get high enough to see how far
I could run
but where's the fun
in not facing my own fears?
that's what brought me to art in the first place
being afraid with nowhere to claim as my own space
so I found it and defined it
wish I could slow it all down and rewind it
I miss my friends
even the ones who treated me like ****
I miss my lovers
even the ones who made love not worth it
but maybe what I'm really missing
isn't a time, a person, but a feeling
and now I'm constantly searching
for a way out of the darkness I found myself
dancing in it instead of drowning in it
is the only way to keep up my mental health
remember why you came here
remember to keep your head clear

it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect
unintentionally
and now you're boring me