living in nostalgia filled wanderings
& a guilt that creeps under my skin in agony
what grand expressions
could ever take that **** away?
it's a part of me, it's a tick in me
not capable of going away...

but it can be accepted
or stay rejected
and infected
and directed to attack
only when I want my old self back

and

I could give honest explanations
to the people that deserve them
but so much time has passed
I understand why they wouldn't want one
because I wouldn't want one either...
I'm already convinced that you're the sinner
and I'm not a saint who knows you better
but I wouldn't have done what you did to me, either...

and

I'm lonely
I know I make myself that way
I shake it off every night
and wake up to it every day

I'm not afraid of my demons,
they look like yours,
only this time I can see them...
they move in the shadows
that I formed myself to free them

you **** without a conscious
and you wonder why I'm cautious
but I'm bored with your nonsense...
you've got suave
without the grace
you have no soul
but you know you've got the face...
I'll put on a magic show
and make you dizzy like a trick
let's get in your nasty *** car
and I'll pretend you're not a *****
nah
'cause I've got better things to do
than you
on a first "date"
ha, the **** is that anyway?
and hey
nothing wrong with getting it in
I've got my free girls & guys lovin' it
but let's stop confusing dates with it
because you're not here to date ****
you're here to see what else you can hit
and hey
that's fine
be free & cross those lines
but I really don't have the ******* time
you couldn't handle my **** anyway
but if it makes you feel better
I'll keep pretending you're cooler than me, okay?
you've got a lot of good jokes
good for you on being so woke

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time
I wanna saturate your brain waves
even if only in black and white
dreamy inversions that make you think twice
because sometimes I do...
lost wondering if I fell in love with you...
the city is lonely tonight
and I'm feeling brave
while nothing feels right
I'm afraid of leaving my shell
I'm afraid of emotional hells
and everything else unwell
& I hate what you've done to me
I feel like a cheap thrill
while you stare at me with your looks that ****
I've never been so angry
as I was that night I thought you ignored me
because I jump the gun ***
and you know it
that's why you chose to ******* run
and I don't blame you at all
deciding my worth to you is not my call
and I wouldn't want it to be anyway
speaking what I really think
is the wrong thing to say...
I'm a little on the downside
meet me on the south side

picking at my skin
ingrained in me like old medicine...
the old soul within me is breaking

it's without trying
that I'm inspired
by short sparks of adoration rewired

I'm a plague
sweeping through your soul's streets
I'm a curse
you taste when my lips & yours meet

but I want you to love me deeply
it stings every time
when you don't tell me you miss me
wish I could get under your skin enough
even if it's only to make you feel frisky

and then where can I run to?
certainly it can't be you...
I move with the shadows,
not away from them
I dance with the demons,
not stray from them

I want to form an entity
that's part of my identity...
that follows your movements
like a haunting...

think of me
in darkness, in black
bury me
and haunt me back

so afraid of being rejected
you're acting cooler than everyone you see attractive
as if that's going to make someone see
something special they crave for romancing
do you want someone to grovel?
egos give only push
and no pull...
I'm not looking to get high
off of you
get on my level
and get high on your truth
show me what inspires you
and I'll show you, too

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time

I worry sometimes
I'm never going to be over losing you...
you were my girl first,
everyone knows that's true...
and that sounds elementary,
but I don't have time to worry
about how I sound to everyone else
lies are what broke it apart anyway...

& what harm will being real do
rather than being fake
& why do I miss someone
who believed a ******* snake...
over me...
(the snake that so easily
wedged itself in-between...)

& looking back doesn't do any good, either...
who I used to be is lost in a grudge, help me free her...

I tell myself every passing year
a real friend wouldn't let ******* in a single ear...
and lie to my face when I see it in her...
ring the bell, we've got a ******* winner,
of the longest trail of ******* ever laid...
I started out saying I miss you,
but I'm glad you never stayed.
what a shame.