"this is not about you"
she said
through her fingertips
dipped in deceit---to you, at least...

we relate and turn it into reflections,
reflections only faced towards ourselves,
constantly needing protection...
opening every book in our mind's shelves
to find the source of someone else's truth...
the light isn't bouncing between other thoughts,
it's absorbing into your darkness looking for proof.
being fed & torn from your ego without crosses
unholy wars with insecurities from all losses...
laying out on golden thrones made of pride
find any excuse and picking a side.

your tactics aren't working
this is not about you.

the contrast between you presently
and the you that I knew past tensely
have altered so much willingly
I wonder which side of you is your pose...
can't say anyone really knows...
but can you even say you do?
is anything behind or below your lip's flow true?
forget it and put your walls up
forget it and put your fists up
defenses against those who admire you
will only make you burst into flames
you can pretend there's different levels
of small town fame
but I'll remember you just the same
be careful who you throw dirt to
it'll be that same dirt that buries you

it isn't fair I feel a need
to shield the eyes
(that for years I haven't seen)
from my skin that's stretched out a little more
than what they were used to seeing before
and ******* if you've got **** to say
ups and downs are my body's way
of reacting to the tides
got my womanly figure struttin where I move
I really don't have anything else to prove

there is a noticeable silence on your end
maybe it's best if I take this time to mend
try and fix
everything that's really bringing me down...
I can tell it's chasing you away anyhow
because who wants to listen
to the girl with eyes that constantly glisten
wanna sew more sense into my devil's hem
upper cut nonsense with a fist to them...
& I know I'm trying too hard to impress you
I'm biting my lips until they turn a shade of blue
I'm not going to wonder why you're running
because I can't join this race if you're gunning
for something less like you and true
different colored hues
can't always mix and flow
especially when the volume's low...
I wish you'd turn it back up
and sink in your teeth
I wish you'd fire it up
and make me feel less like a creep
I dove too deep...
& still wanted more...
I feel like I'm always ******* things up to the very core
you're a hidden pearl that's still wading in my shore...

we are drifting through the tides...
but no one ever leaves
how they arrive...
I need to find a way back on that cloud
find that familiar bliss,
and then I'll just drift...
I might get a little road sick...
the years go by ******* quick...
& wistfulness can be a curse
of constantly feeling homesick
for places you've never drifted...
I want to drift through your sea
even as only a dream
& remorse is a trick...
apologies are a *****...
you're a scab I can't itch...
I could do it all again,
but I can't see the use...
when I don't want to be your lover---
I want to be your muse.

downside to documenting every everything
is looking back and remembering
when you just miss honestly creating
& need to find what was once inspiring
I'm lost in the ache of desiring
not worth conspiring or crying
shameful and painful to still be lying
after all these years it's time to stop whining
where's the warning sign
I didn't choose this when I chose to love you

you're like a song that's stuck in my head,
but I don't know the words
craving that bliss kiss that I miss
that grit **** I wanna hit
you're rough around the edges
& I liked how your hand's calluses
curved gently around my crevices
(& I'm not one to say I miss you
but I'll say that it's true
while still wanting to tell you
to go **** yourself)
cause I'm not over how you left,
but I'm taking the road traveled less
which involves all my forgiveness
all while usure if I am so bold yet
you're a song I can't forget...
I could find the right words to my memories
but I guess I like you best as a melody
like the one we sang together on your couch
your velvet voice in my ear
kissed & graced by your mouth
I'll remember that night for a while
I knew then how much I dug your style
and I know
I'm stretching this **** for miles
I get it
I'm a loose floorboard in your projects
that burned for you like a comet