there's a pounding in my ears
what a typical subconscious front
to avoid facing my fears...
(rubbing my third eye
to make it clearer...)
(or some other ****
to make me sound lit)
(I don't even say that word,
so this poem might be a front.
I'm really not in the mood anyway,
to try & see potential in the crumbs)
my two eyes see enough
to know when things are ****** up
I'm not down with your "one love" ****,
it's really just ****** love for only one

a n x i e t y
fangs baring teeth
f o r g e t t i n g me
fangs sink in deep
...and I miss sleep
**** counting sheep
they're here already
keeping conformity steady
waste of my time, baby
show me what you're made of, shady

I'm a dreamer baby
(that which is terrifying to me
exists in what I think is my reality)
or perhaps, in my irrationality...
& I'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
shaking with the illusion
that reality can stay in my clouds...
(the ones I create myself
when no one else is around)
with the rest of my memories
that taught me
what losing trust and knowing fear meant...
(memories that taught me
about my own darkness wherever I went...)
& you know, I never did tell a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
& while the plot thickens,
& my skin stretches into it's 26th year
my strength slips through my fingers sometimes
but I'm still ******* here

sometimes I want to feel delicate, too
tonight I want you to touch me like I'm a bruise...
look in my eyes
like you could wander in,
cradle my jaw
like it's made of porcelain.
because I can't stop
my grinding and clenching...
feelings of wanting to feel delicate
are never long-lasting...
I'm inspired and exhausted and feeling ill
passions inside me lay dormant still
but have a pulse that's ready to ****
and I'm wondering where my brain is...
there's time still that needs passing
there's questions I should be asking...
I'm floating but not the way I want to,
I'm ready to be free wherever I run to.
and don't think I won't miss you...
you've made me feel delicate like a bruise.
and I've got a lot of reasons to thank you.
I keep gratitude under a blanket to warm up to.

Expectations on my shoulders
to act a certain way…
to be a certain somebody…
to me, to you,
to everyone you speak of me to…
I can’t connect to you if you chain me down
I can’t connect to you if you define me all around
I’m not what you want me to be
& I’m not what you think I must be...
I connect with my darkness, but not all the time
I’m free to wander, but I am forced to prioritize...
I’ve got enough things weighing me down,
I don’t have time to wonder why you’re not around…
you can’t give me space to exist for myself
my advice will never be enough for you to save yourself
you’ve gotta be strong on your own at the end of the day…
(& when was the last time you asked me if I was okay?)
I am grateful for the journey.
I am grateful for the times.
but I am tired of the expectations,
I'm not yours 'cause you love me... I am mine.

Not mad if you don’t want me
cause I’m still bad if you can’t see me
Can’t say my pride doesn’t burn
when I can’t get those eyes to turn
but I’m a killer mister
you’d probably run away after the first kiss
I’m used to the loving and the leaving
I’m used to the intimidation and screaming
doesn’t mean I don’t crave it sometimes
I wanna crush you up and put you into lines
blizzard my brain baby
You think I’m a crazy lady
but I think it’s **** hunny
so if you're going to leave
I wanna see you run away screaming
I'm just as afraid of you
as you're afraid of me

I'm not sorry for isolating
(people like me better when they don't know me
& I need you to have something to show me)
to you I'm maybe an enigma
or maybe just a *****
both are wrong anyway
I'm just a woman with an itch
to translate dreams into something more
to cure myself of my emotional sores
(lately the ones from you
I'd like to watch your lips turn blue
from running out of air when you speak of me
I know you're still checking up on me obsessively)
& I don't you know you either
but I know what you've made me see
and I see mostly everything
but choose not to speak
(so if you're wondering if I noticed
...I did)