And there we were standing there as if nothing could ever touch us,
putting red lipstick and curling our eyelashes
For the sake of youth
For the sake of not caring
about what the standards should be
for young women in glossy stilettos.
We sat there listening to Pretty Woman
puckering our lips with all the seriousness in the world -
We believed, we truly believed,
in the push up bras and black onyx mascara.
We felt they understood us,
that we belonged
But we were always just little girls
playing dress up.

maybe one day
25 years from now
when my mind isn't so dull
and my trees aren't so bare
and my throat isn't so numb
I'll conjure up enough words
free from disfluency and stutter
that capture moments
like the ******* model 20.
Efflorescence or
Chatoyance or
Gossamer
will coin it all,
And I'll write them on parched paper
with solid gold ink and
seal it
so the words never escape me again.
But until then, let's just go with love.

I can still feel each place you've ever touched me
because you left bittersweet bruises that can't be erased.

I know white-out is your best friend
and you tend to buy too many pens,
but that's ok for someone who understands
the danger of lead poisoning.

Greet the sun-kissed smile
and amicably recognize that her eyes change color
in the shadows of night and day.

Fool me once;
I know in days time
we will entwist as yearning cannot's always do.

I love how your smile lights up the whole room
and how your voice gets chipper in excitement
I love the way your walk jumps when your in a good mood
and I love that look of frustration when you aren't
I love how your eyes get big and your lips purse when you joke
I love your jokes
I love how they always are funny even when you're not trying to be
I love your high pitched sneeze and how I always have this longing to hug you after
I love how you blink rapidly and stand tall...even though you're about 5' 3"
I love how your hugs make me feel at home even when I am so very lost
I love how you always seem so strong and so put together even when you act silly, but sometimes when I look over at you just sitting there I can see how innocent you are and how much you may have hurt
and I have a longing to walk over to you and hold your hand
I have that longing quite often actually

The color of wilted daisies is a dark shade of regrets
Take me back to my wild years
when I always had big hair and seemingly small hands
each finger has a heartbeat you know
I swear every extremity has a pulse
Pieces put together
that's what it is
a puzzle gone wrong

we'd play hacky-sack -
I don't know how, but
I'll make it up
and I'll teach them
what to do when
they get papercuts.
And when I make their fluffer ****** for lunch,
I'll leave a note that says
“sweetie”
and they'll throw it out,
and I know they will
I'll **** five hundred trees
but it's all worth it

And I find myself seeing everything pertaining to her.
The sunset on seagreen waves reflects off the sand like her creamy white skin and ice warm eyes.
Some stranger’s smile in the park seems to glisten just as hers does when her rosy blood-drained lips spread so even.
A character from the TV screen seems to match her perfectly perfected pitch or create the same unthought delicate gesture that is more graceful than the ballerina’s pleat.
And I think maybe if I fill the utter corners of my heart and soul with these minute details of her mere existence I will become closer to her.
Closer to grasping her heart and her hand.
Closer to holding her soul and her face with mine.
But, it has occurred to me that no one person in the world can symbolize this woman.
No person in the world has her beauty and her rhythm.
And I can try all I can to be with her. Even when she is right next to me.
But, I know that I will never have her.
Because this woman cannot be had.

The saddest day of my life was the day you told me you weren't going anywhere.

I often live in those moments of smeared eyeliner and shaking hands
lost beyond all belief
and found in the crevices of your warming knuckles.
If you ever wonder why
I was crying so hard into your neck

think about the thoughts that tell stories
think about how I couldn't tell where your body ended and my began
think about this
unconditioning
that had to be known
that had to be hush.

All the times i told you "more" ran through my mind
as i was fixing the tufts in your hair.
You told me I was beautiful with mascara washing down my cheeks
bare with this envy
for the passenger seat in your sedan.

And as the words left your lips
my hand clasped mine
to prevent me from revealing
you're the definition.

The saddest day of my life was the day you told me you weren't going anywhere
because I always knew you would.

I remember taking the twenty out of the drawer so effortlessly.
It didn't bother me
that it was the money
my grandmother gave me
to put in the bank
for college.

Bronze belly burnt from sun kisses;
Yesterday afternoon when I dreamt
we were at the beach and
you were numb from being heated by the microscope light
and I was drowning in the pools of your eyes -
tsunami tides, killer wail -
No matter who comes to save me, I'll always wish it was you.
So I wait and let the cold sea salt gurgle in my lungs.
But you are still,
you are warm and bothered.

Somehow
in my conceived perception of
glitter
I desperately try to latch-on
to another
beauty.

Somehow
in my blurred realization of
time
I think that not being
alone
will make me not
lonely.

Somehow
in my outrageous menacing
skin
I thought that
She
could be replaced.

I never really learned how to tie knots
I never really cared
Now I am burning in the attic of desire
drinking by flames of doubt
wishing your image out of my head
and praying that today
I forget how you threw a pail of water on
me in the thunderstorm of 98'
and I remember those reeboks that were
kept closed with
velcro

Our bodies will rot
in the green of the earth.
Crammed into a box and
drilled into the ground
as if purity ate us whole.
You'll be buried with your rosaries
and I with my pearl earrings;
and if there is such a thing as heaven,
our souls will entangle
and our corpses will be holding hands.

sometimes my eyes turn green in the sunlight
unfortunately
i get that gene from him
fortunately
if there is no mirror, we don't exist

And I don't think it can be solved with cookie dough Icecream or endless walks of thinking.
I don't think the blades or tears or blasting music helps.
I don't think that the round of drinks vomited in the shower or the bloodshot eyes are decent.
But neither is it all.

Baby's breath
is my favorite
flower
because they are subtle
and remind me of
your
serene sense of humor.

Let's go on a Journey. She said.

The problem that lies within my raisin-swelled brain is that I do not like to speed on open highways
or smoke behind chipped bathroom doors.

I vomited in the kitchen sink once
because I couldn't make it
to the trash.
Now
when I dye my hair and
rinse it out
under that faucet
I get extremely uncomfortable.

So maybe,
one day
we can travel again.

She doesn't know a thing
about the immense strength
Her teeth have over my
attention
Or how I would rather have my  eyes fall out
of their sockets,
from lack of blinking,
than to miss even a single moment
of her grin.

If I get you out of my mind
I will not be able to get you out of my heart
Love is a game of trades,
although it seems you are the only dealer.
I want to inject you into my bloodstream and drip your euphoria
or burn with you in blankets of fire
Smoke me until I have been tasted with all the wasted lips of reckless youth.
Addiction is my drive and you are the cure
So save me and take me to meetings where I can talk with other sad people like me

I'm a pack rat
with a furless tail
and red
raspberry
eyes
and I will never
get rid of
(that envelope)
you
gave me
on Xmas eve
with the
crooked tree
on the back-side.
It was carelessly done,
but I am acutely
aware that you did
your best.

I took this with me on my journey to the top of the world.
I thought I needed something
sweet to remind me of our summers
when you still had your long hair and still liked to
climb trees.

I remember how afraid I was
that I'd fall or trip
on hidden roots
only meant to throw off
the nocturnal rodents.

But, you always thought my thinking was silly.

We picked up rocks that were particularly
dull and *****. Ordinary miracles
hold a special meaning in carved hearts.

I craved roasted turkey and cranberry sauce.
The kind my grandmother used to make on Saturday evenings.
I wanted to go home.
But I realized, the path I was on only lead to you.

The crisp nature of her breath
reminds me very much
of closet kisses
on cold winter days.
There's laundry to be done
but
I'd rather drink expired milk.

I'm afraid of contradictions
more importantly the space
between them
Aching with this carnal
blessing of your voice in my ear
"She resonates" I say I scream "she Resonates" never even heard the words
before
I wanted to call your name -
the way it lives in my throat
clenching at the letters, I in the middle
with a delicate hum at the end

They made me read a segment  about who they think I am.
I don't know who "I" is.
"I" gave it a shot anyway.

Biggest fear: Failure...?
In bold.                                  That's me.
Failure.
Perfectionist?                        Yeah, I guess so.
Yes or no?                              Isn't everyone?

Do you tend to forget things easily?
Do you get dizzy and light headed when you stand up?
Are you a perfectionist? Are you a failure?
Are you this are you that?
Are you sad? Are you scared?
.........................................................­.....................................................Yeah, but isn't everyone?

No sweety.

I'm beating myself up today with regret
I woke up suddenly realizing that I never noticed
In the moments I had and the time I spent with her
I never noticed her shirt

I never noticed the way it clung to her like sad sultry poem
Or the way it slipped off her arms like cold raindrops
And the way it cusped to her neck as I wish I could

During the time that I spent crying to her
And speaking to her soul and feeling her eyes
Praying that the time between us wouldn't end
I let that giant piece of her slip right through my mind and my fingers

I never noticed that shirt she wore on that day in that moment of time
And now I will never see it the way it needed to be seen like it did then

Strip me of my privileges. The privileges I am unworthy of.
Take them away. What’s the point of them if I’m not even happy.
Take me away.
The undeserving shouldn’t deserve, take me away.

Push me down the stairs. Try to get my head straight.
Don’t help me up. I created this myself; it’s my responsibility to break my fall.
Don’t lend a hand.
My hands are scarred and clammy, don’t lend a hand.

Dissect my interior. Rid me of the wrong.
Slice me up.  I need to cut out the lines that aren’t mine.
Let me bleed.
If I need to see what I’ve done here, let me bleed.

Color me black and blue. My internal bruises from sinking to my knees.
Turn my soul to dark. Destiny is a bitter truth.
Turn it dark.
There is no lightness, turn it dark.

Give me chains that I can see. I’m tired of the invisible ones.
Lock me up if you must. If you can’t bear to look at my swollen eyes.
Throw away the key.
If you must, throw it all away.

Rip up old photographs with me waving in the background. I wasn’t really meant to be there anyway.
Light them on fire. If my existence posed no resemblance to living.
Light me on fire.
I won’t mind, light me on fire.

Watch my pleading soul decapitate. After all, it never really was in one piece.
Tear me apart.
End the misery.
End it all.
That’s all I ask.
Just somehow light me up.

i haven't been able to get you off my mind.
not that that's different than any other day,
but i miss you
and i hope you're ok.
sometimes i can feel your pain run through me slightly.
like a wave, sparked by your tears.
and i picture you crying, alone in the world, scared, longing for something for someone,
and that's when i feel it.
i would give anything to make it stop.
to take it away and inflect it on myself.
but then, if we are so connected, and if you do love me as i love you, then you wouldn't be able to escape the pain either.
when you love someone you feel their pain they are going through something you can't save them from
and that kills you inside.
i know there's not much i can do.
and there sure isn't anything i can say.
but, i try to do what you did with me:
hug me and tell me it's all going to be ok.
i didn't believe you. i still don't.
but, your arms around my back felt nice.

if you were here i would tell you by the light of the television that there is nowhere else i would rather be than by your side
i promise to always let you snuggle
under the blankets of my love
but i don't know where you live anymore

If I were a tree
I would never let my leaves blow in the wind
Out of fear that I will never grow any again

I only started to travel
after I lost you in my
suitcase. I went through
all my laundry and
wallet, but I never
saw you again.

It was him.
He was coming at me
and it was him.
I remember it clearly,
but it’s all a blur.
He reminded me of him.
The way he grabbed me from behind like a ragdoll.
Raggedy Ann.
The look he had in his eyes.
Like there’s no escape.
Like it was time for me to pay my dues.
Pay my rent.
Game.
I feel like a doe caught in the headlights.
I know I’ll never make it across the street.
I know I’m gonna end up as roadkill
or the driver’s main course.
It was him.
Living on.
And he brought back all the things
I have strived to forget.
All the feelings
I have been trying to bury
in the sunsweet earth
since I slammed the door
and swallowed the key.

Tomorrow is another day,
Yet today is still so long
Perhaps I'll sacrifice and pray
Or write another song
But songs and poems make no difference
To whether the earth stay blue or green
The challenge is to feel it
In your heart and soul and dream
The neverending wonder
Is if we can make a change
As a whole as a single
My thoughts in disarray
The world is too far gone
To be rescued from its cell
Although some may be drawn to help the cause
It already fell
Some of us want peace
Some of us want love
Constantly fighting against the hate
And begging to above
Those who worry about their death
And what will happen to them then
When they take their last breath
What good have they been?
Worry now my young friends
There is a place that needs
Our attention should go to straightening the bend
And watering the roaring sea
There will soon be no afterlife
If we continue here
What has been done for ages since
We may soon disappear
What matters most is our life
And how we live it up
And now our souls are filled with strife
We need to fill our cups
A thing we look to
that may not even exsist
When a beautiful creation here we brew
In need of persist
I dream of peace
I dream of love and harmony
The day Our earth will be built back again
United piece by piece
Tomorrow is another day
And listen closely my child
Though we may have to pay
It will be worth it in the while
The world will soon be
Back to how it once was
Peaceful and free
And once again it will be ours
Just for you and me

An involved grace of thought
cannot blend the right thoughts
of kissbones at the right -
Time is so very crucial to
the womb of your basket.
And I keep telling you
"I'll bring you bread.
  I'll bring you loaves and loaves."
And you smile in caught headlights.
But you forgot to rewind the VHS
You forgot to, and you returned the rental anyway.

fear strikes the heavens sturdy gait at the first mention of silence.
we live in a town of crook-eyed opposites,
a crinkle-cut reminder of which song belongs to who.
in the winding trails of the moon i see the face of a woman
destined to be clear
of all fate had to offer.
but, i wish i knew none the less.

How desperately I cling to the image of a lost cause
with a side of despair,
tomorrow I will be a blithering fool,
but today I am content with
just being
next to the furnace
with the radio on.

Interest
compound interest.
Collect my shoes
and walk
for miles.
Come across a clock
wave.
The birds sing.
but they have no vocal chords.
Wave back
faceless hands.
Oops.

my name is
hard to pronounce anyway
I am just a little
old to be doing this
sort of thing I know
I can try again
does that suffice or do I still need
to try to chop myself up
itty
bitty
too small to fit through cracks in sidewalks
i'll drown
in a lake
I'll try to climb up ladders
instead

I cleaned my room a couple days ago.
I never do. I get too tired.
But, ironically, today it is messier than before.
Isn't it always?
You try to fix something and it just bites you in the *** in the end.
Best to just leave it all alone.
It takes too much energy anyway.
Besides, maybe my head was just mean to be messy.

Her face suddenly turns to me with Exite -
you're glittering again, you're full of warmth.
Was I cold before, I ask her.
No, but I couldn't put my hands in your pockets
the same way
I used to.
Come here.
I am back.

You remind me of someone.
Yes, yes.
You are the girl with the golden hair
that was chopped
off
to pay the bills.

Your gums are uneven,
but I think this is what makes you
the portrait of perfection.

If I could paint,
I would paint you
Like an angelic sun with a celestial birth of freedom.

You speak to me at night when the fan's on too high
and I'm too low and sunken to resist
the chill in my bones.

And the worst part is
you don't even care
I guess I should have
known that from the
start. But one likes
to believe they are
loved in such a sad
and lonely world.
Call me a dreamer,
but I always hoped
that I would be saved.
I always prayed that
one day you may sing
me to sleep instead of
scream in my ear.
I guess feelings can
be interpreted like
musical notes. And you
are tone deaf.

i am most free when i let my mind wander
i dont know exactly
but if my soul were an instrument id be a guitar
and i pray that someone would mend my brittle strings and play my hollow body

The love of my life has caution tape wrapped around her like a mink stole.
And I don't know how to break it to her,
but I happen to know a thing or two
about the sort of wind she carries.
Sweet, Serene,
But, when it comes
Oh it comes.