It was him.
He was coming at me
and it was him.
I remember it clearly,
but it’s all a blur.
He reminded me of him.
The way he grabbed me from behind like a ragdoll.
Raggedy Ann.
The look he had in his eyes.
Like there’s no escape.
Like it was time for me to pay my dues.
Pay my rent.
Game.
I feel like a doe caught in the headlights.
I know I’ll never make it across the street.
I know I’m gonna end up as roadkill
or the driver’s main course.
It was him.
Living on.
And he brought back all the things
I have strived to forget.
All the feelings
I have been trying to bury
in the sunsweet earth
since I slammed the door
and swallowed the key.

Strip me of my privileges. The privileges I am unworthy of.
Take them away. What’s the point of them if I’m not even happy.
Take me away.
The undeserving shouldn’t deserve, take me away.

Push me down the stairs. Try to get my head straight.
Don’t help me up. I created this myself; it’s my responsibility to break my fall.
Don’t lend a hand.
My hands are scarred and clammy, don’t lend a hand.

Dissect my interior. Rid me of the wrong.
Slice me up.  I need to cut out the lines that aren’t mine.
Let me bleed.
If I need to see what I’ve done here, let me bleed.

Color me black and blue. My internal bruises from sinking to my knees.
Turn my soul to dark. Destiny is a bitter truth.
Turn it dark.
There is no lightness, turn it dark.

Give me chains that I can see. I’m tired of the invisible ones.
Lock me up if you must. If you can’t bear to look at my swollen eyes.
Throw away the key.
If you must, throw it all away.

Rip up old photographs with me waving in the background. I wasn’t really meant to be there anyway.
Light them on fire. If my existence posed no resemblance to living.
Light me on fire.
I won’t mind, light me on fire.

Watch my pleading soul decapitate. After all, it never really was in one piece.
Tear me apart.
End the misery.
End it all.
That’s all I ask.
Just somehow light me up.

And by this flickering candle.
I imagine you.
Your soft lips resting against the black satin sheets.
An angel.
I see you.
Even in the darkest of the dark bitter corners of my soul
You emerge.
It takes every fiber in my being to stop myself
to stop the longing for me to draw you closer to my heart
But, you are so peaceful.
And how could I disturb such a gentle rest?
So,
For now I guess I'll just have to ignite these old candles
that continue to flicker more and more as the days go on
But, I will light them
Every day
Until, instead, I have you.

You have to have a strong exterior.
Life attacks every day.
Some can handle this constant fight.
And some can not.

Battle wounds swarm the skin.
They come from multiple places.
The world. Others. Maybe you don't know how they came.
But, the scariest are the ones you create
Yourself

Look at the scars. Look at the cuts.
Your body cries tears of blood every time.
Take a good look.
And be reminded of the life you made.
Of the pain you have.
And fear.
Fear it.

These battle wounds will never heal,
For they are not just skin deep.
They penetrate through your muscle and bones.
And attack
Your heart.
It is vulnerable and unprotected.
And all at once it feels the sting
Of the knife
Of the hand
Of the pain
Of the mind.

And all it can do is give you a tear
A salty, wet, tear.
Maybe two.
And that's all you have left.
The tears
The scars
The pain...the reminder
And that's all you'll ever have

You have to have a strong interior.
A strong exterior.
In life.
So, please be careful.
I bruise easily.

I love how your smile lights up the whole room
and how your voice gets chipper in excitement
I love the way your walk jumps when your in a good mood
and I love that look of frustration when you aren't
I love how your eyes get big and your lips purse when you joke
I love your jokes
I love how they always are funny even when you're not trying to be
I love your high pitched sneeze and how I always have this longing to hug you after
I love how you blink rapidly and stand tall...even though you're about 5' 3"
I love how your hugs make me feel at home even when I am so very lost
I love how you always seem so strong and so put together even when you act silly, but sometimes when I look over at you just sitting there I can see how innocent you are and how much you may have hurt
and I have a longing to walk over to you and hold your hand
I have that longing quite often actually

Most of the time I feel I was not meant to be human.
Human's are definite; there's a word for them.
I don't think there's a word for me.
I don't think I'm describable or said.
Although, age is just a number,
And no one has written me yet.

i am most free when i let my mind wander
i dont know exactly
but if my soul were an instrument id be a guitar
and i pray that someone would mend my brittle strings and play my hollow body