I'm looking out your windows one last time,
glancing upon the garden bed where seeds were planted
but the winter froze their roots from digging deeper
into the promisingly rich soil
and all around I see the patches where green grass once grew
when summer brought this house nothing but good news
and as lovers we scorched through the mossy grass
till nothing was left but barren paths

I step from room to room, lackluster compared to what I once knew
I know not to brush my fingers 'cross your walls like before
for with the slightest of gestures your bricks will crumble.
More still, dust covers places I swore would never grow so barren,
and the floor boards wail in pain, unable to bear much more than my weight
you're not as strong as I thought you were at the start.
once able to hold all promises of the future
now slowly falling apart

I saw a program on the telly once
it was about a little girl
my age, I think
or less
she had lost her mum
and right when she was about to find her
the power had shut off
and the telly went dark

I went to find my own mum
I wanted to tell her
about the ******* the telly
but her and daddy were having another row
so I left them alone

I sat in my room instead
with the candle mum had given me
"for emergencies" she said
it was the third time I used it this week

the house was cold
it got like that a lot
when the telly goes dark
and it gets colder when the door swings open
and bangs shut again on it's way closed

she's sitting in bed
my mum is
and she's crying
she says daddy left
like the power on the telly

we moved to an apartment yesterday
mum said it was an adventure
but I have to sleep in the same bed as her
I don't like it much

we sold the telly today
I guess I'll never know
what happened to that little girl
and her lost mum

this is where we danced,
me too afraid to touch,
you bursting to try,

and in a crowd of people I look for your hair,
set fire to your insides,
and I am forever attracted to the flame,

caught in the embrace of smoky lovers,
you cross your heart,
speaking empty promises,
bargaining for something to burn,
you set fire to your insides,
you want to be able to feel,
you scratch at the raw parts,
you hope to erase the pain,
but all you are is constantly bleeding,
not accepting the grace of my rain,

I set fire to me insides,
and I scratch at old wounds,
trying to heal,
I rub the raw parts,
and poke parts left damaged,
wondering when I'll be able to feel.

I wish you would touch me

But not all at once
not aggressively
like you see sometimes in the movies
they go so quickly
that only seems uncomfortable
don't you agree?

I want to be touched subtly

I want you to stroke my hair
and call me dear
I want you to wrap your arms around me
tightly when I'm cold
I want you to move your fingers
in slow circles across my knee
I want you to draw on my back
to show that you're there
and to wrap my fingers in yours
as our arms gently press
and if you like
you could gently sweep your lips
against mine

A touch means so more
than how they portray it in movies
so touch me gently
please

There's a cute little bridge
that crosses a pond
on the other side of town

I don't know when it was made
but the wood is rotten and old
with green mold growing out of each crevice
and the rope barely holds
I feel like it could snap at my slightest touch

I sit on the bridge anyway
and I let my feet plunge in to the tepid water
they make little waves as I slowly twirl my toes
I don't think the fish like it
so I stop

One time I brought a book to the bridge
my friend had lent it to me
it was a love story
he knows they're my favourite
but I dropped it in the water
and it sunk to the bottom
it made me cry

I come to the bridge a lot
to look at the little fish that swim at the surface
I bring them bread
and I watch them take little nibbles
I bet that bread will last them a long time

It started getting cold so I brought my coat
to the bridge today
the water was still
and I looked over the rope
I could see the book
that I dropped last year
it made me think of my friend

I miss him

.

I tried hard to stay sane and afloat
paused myself from making holes in my boat
I tried hard not to dive into the ocean
so I kept my knees in, embracing the water's devotion
I tried hard to sail on with them waves
persuading myself that I am worthy to be saved