When does my apprehensive foot step over the mythical dotted line?
Did my tired eyes see too far into the tender words you ****** upon my delicate soul?
I am but a flower in a garden of potential love; almost love.

You write me a story overflowing with great intention but of what?
A special appeal is a soft hand tucked between the overworked creases of yours.
My tired eyes see not only what they want to but what they are willing to.
Is that enough?

I never thought I would miss the smell of cigarettes
or the way saying sorry a million times over felt in my mouth.
I never thought the things I couldn't live without were teasing you
and ******* like it would be the last thing we did.
I knew that some day I would regret not letting you taste me on that beach
but how could I foresee that you would have been so excited to run your hands on my body that night.
An electric charge that had built up only to be released in the form of a number 69,
something about a missionary, and a cowgirl.

you're out of my sight and i'm out of your mind
somewhere in between is what we lost so long ago
even though we haven't exchanged anything more than a glare
in the past couple years
I think of you every day
I search for you in everyone
and I am not prepared to watch your fingers spin records
nor do I want to see people enjoying your presence
mostly because I can't
you used to be the bad boy who was good for me (or so I thought)
now you are memories of a different time
I wonder if you ever sit alone and think of how I'm doing

when my name falls from someone's lips do you look up?

after hours my thoughts trudge through loneliness
get deeper into the abyss
dig your own grave
push yourself into that corner
cry your silent tears while people stare from behind their technology
dare to ask me if I'm okay
if you even remember to
same old sad story: sequel, spin-off, and adaptation
feelings aren't real
they are only in your head

where else would they be?

The silence weakens my heart
A lack of words reciprocated, their only purpose would be to tangle my mind

The absence of the letters that would form words is replaced by your shallow breath
I wait for what will never come

We have danced this dance many times but there is something different here

I inhaled the smell of the past when I walked by a couple of smokers
laughing and coughing;
oblivious to the fact that anyone might have a thought about them
I couldn't help but think
that used to be me

a piece of advice I took with no regret
"don't spend your time with a living cigarette"
he'll hook you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear
and before your pretty doe eyes will he disappear
a smoker is a joker and you're not in on this one
though it may seem like you're his babe and his ***
he burns quick and bright, you'll always want more
you'll lick your lips forever like a cigarette *****

some days confusion rips each half of me into shredded bits
and I never wake up knowing

my heart wanes back and forth between the different me's
while my brain tries to make sense of it all

does anyone know exactly who they are?
I feel like I have to run and never look back
all the while aiming for a box that I know I won't fit into
and the moment I reach it, it'll stretch and creak,
push me back to the old box I was in

categories rule my life
but I never asked for this

nobody ******* talks to me anymore
it crawls under my skin
and keeps me sighing instead of smiling
just when things get good they go south
and the farther down they fall
the more I thirst for them

I placed my gaze dangerously on the abyss.
I didn't jump.
Instead I pondered it.
"Nobody understands." I thought.
I felt the anxiety and sadness to its full force.
I let the curiosity of no return overwhelm me.
I suddenly felt such a passion and love for the life within me.
Where did such a love come from?
All the time leading up to this I'd felt it wither away and now,
when I decide I'm done with it, it comes back.
I've been cheated.
My own heart tells my mind lies.
Are they not friends?
Other people can let go; free fall. Not me.
Though many times I've convinced myself I would jump, I was lying.
Though many times I've convinced myself that I was over you, I was once again lying.
In previous dreams this would be the part where I would back away from the ledge; I'd reel you in.
Only this time, you showed up and pushed me over the edge.
Everything was different now.
Forever?
I had wanted this, hadn't I?
The sad part is that even though you caused this suicide to be a ******, I will forgive you.

drugs never touched my life until you did
you hypocritically denied me the right to take a little orange pill
while your pupils shone wide
bright black discs
you can't tell me what to do
down the hatch and away into wonderland
I wore the pink glasses timidly
so you wouldn't be able to tell that now
my pupils matched yours in size
*I love you

sitting next to you knowing that you're not mine
with tears dedicated to that reason
dripping down my face
and you sat there holding me
soberly

but it was all in vain; afterwards
I did not gently do away with all of your clothes
I did not have time to whisper to your soul
instead I drove you to her
so you could slink back in silence

this time
the trace of a girl other than your own
was me

I used to be addicted
until I rehabilitated
now everything is low
compared to the time I spent high
but whatever brings you up
always crashes down hard
always leaves scars

the needle marks that were your kisses
sit on my skin as reminders
that you cannot save a person
who is drowning in themselves
and rock bottom is a lot closer than you know
when drugs are involved

if the monster has never touched you then consider yourself lucky
your thoughts, actions, and daily routines revolve around the monster
it eats you up and takes you over
it scratches at the back of your mind with razor sharp claws,
laughing while you **** yourself trying to fix everything
it wants you to hate yourself
it ruins you with the idea of perfect
the problem with perfect is that it's unattainable and out of reach
and you won't ask for help because you're never sick enough
you're useless and disgusting and you have no will power
the monster won't let you forget it

so if the monster ever tries to introduce itself to you
run as fast as you can the other way
and don't ******* look back

In need of adventure
instead in my room, I sit
kept in this dreadful town
by promises
by bridges about to crumble
but nonetheless, bridges I do not want to burn

I need a different time zone or area code
the 604 ain't doing it no more

new days overflowing with challenge await
I can feel it on every freckle

it never felt good to be without you
it still doesn't feel good
and i don't know who you are now
but i imagine this version of you is much better
than the version that fell in love with me

isn't it amazing how time flies by us
day to day we see the same person in the mirror
and those around us haven't changed either
but when you look back a year from today
you really see just how much damage or good
365 days
8760 hours
525,600 minutes
or 31,536,000 seconds
can do to a person

it wavers back and forth like the moon and the sun switch places
I think it's because I loved you too much
that now I don't know how not to

on days where the sun shines brighter than your eyes ever sparkled
I don't miss you
on days where my mood slips I find comfort in torturing myself with what could have been

some place inside my mind I know that first loves are a lesson
and I wish us both content at the least

you spray deadly venom in the form of words
in the direction of which I unsteadily stand

with your intention to maim
my solemness fazes you

for though I am writhing in pain
it hides within me
I will give you no such thing as satisfaction
in the way of your tauntingly soulless heart
having license to see the battle going on inside of me

I hope I never get my hopes up again

the weather's turning cold and I can't wait to complain about how the sun never shines
it'll be yet another winter without a hand to hold

I could play it over a thousand times
and still, nothing would become of it
because you are you
and I am me
nothing more than late night flirting to tie us.

So why, when I think of the sweet words
and the promises of the time we'll spend
arms and legs tangled
my head resting on your shoulder
do I become faint-hearted?

A message that was not meant for me
had been delivered anyway
and now I hear nothing but guilty silence
coming from where I once heard
booming cries of "I want you."

alcohol and *** are a funny combination
leaving a night full of inebriated fun feeling scandalous
sharing a walk of shame to the local 7-11
and feeling patriotic when we make it to the 4am game at TCs

Empty promises haunt me and stab at my heart with daggers
A lonely thought wanders and dances through my jaded mind
It whipsers to me that I will get what I want but I can't tell if it's lying
Words can be manipulative and convincing just like I can be
This is my mind taunting me; showing me consequence

I know myself as one person but maybe I am another

I remember when you used to sing to me

You are my sunshine

You hated your voice and I loved it

Mostly because you were singing to soothe my sorrows

When tears were rolling down my cheeks, melodies were rolling off your tongue

And I loved you for it.

my heart withered from your poison ivy touch
every inch of me itching to burn you down
to find your roots, to chop them up
so that you would never grow again

instead I rushed the other way
out of your toxic and treacherous grasp
I am free yet confined in these ivy leaves
now dead and brown
no life left
no fight left

sometimes I regret that we are not sitting in your bedroom dropping acid
or that we haven't taken drugs that make us want to walk around town
in the glistening 3am winter

sometimes I miss drinking Jameson with you
stumbling home from a party up the road to find a nice soft dirt trail
to fumble around in for a while

sometimes I miss smoking Export A's, one after the another
inhaling the toxic fumes like I inhaled your presence
until the whole pack was gone
inevitably, just like you always were by the end of the week

but now I'm doing greater things than snorting lines and drinking away the pain you caused
I have ambitions and I'm getting out of this god forsaken **** hole

I am apologetic that I could not save you
and that when you were on the path to being saved
I was a liability that may have ultimately caused your eventual demise

now you are rotting away in a place I never saw you in
you are a person I never wanted you to be and never thought you could be

this is the person everybody else saw and told me to run from
while I was batting my eyelashes and losing sleep

I am at a terrible loss for words even though I have just written so many

after a series of what I can now see
were clearly one-sided encounters
of genuine flirtation
came the period of silence
from your lying lips
and now you've managed
somehow
to plant those lips on mine
for an awkward and forced moment
that was in no way returned
and have the audacity to muster the sentence
"I still got it"