maybe i'm just exacerbating everything

i don't know if this sadness is real
this social anxiety
this fear

this never-ending ******* fear

i just want to get away from it all
get lost in someplace beautiful
someplace safe and someplace good
someplace i can call my home

when will this struggle ever end?
do you think our hearts get stronger?
do you believe there's something beautiful
on the other side of the fence?

my faith exists
but so does fear
and constantly they wrestle in my mind
and sometimes the voices in my head
just won't shut up

i believe there's something good out there
life ***** sometimes, i know, i know, i know
but hope is more powerful than anything i've ever felt

so i guess the struggle will end
and our hearts get stronger
and there's something beautiful
on the other side of the fence

i don't know how and i don't know why and i don't know when

but i believe it'll get better,
and for now that's more than enough for me.

I own one spoon
one knife
one fork
one bowl
and one plate
but I own two mugs
in hopes we'll fall in love over a cup of coffee.

I think of you and want to smoke
ingest a grateful lung
of tar and air and nicotine
all good intent undone

I think of you and deep within
somewhere lost to time,
a tiny little death occurs
'cos you're no longer mine

I think of you because to not
would stretch my soul deplete,
as starfish grow another limb
my heart ticks off a beat

Eating tears is painless
and in reaching for the moon
I’ve built around myself a cage
and to dig, I need a spoon

take down each mouthful, dirt and stones
‘til by light I see escape
curse my indecisiveness!
I wouldn't know the path to take

I could reignite each death
but would chance occur,
smoke again, and **** the need
of addiction I am sure

So? What if I’m addicted?
each one of us is cursed
or wear the scars of something,
but at least I was the first.

chemical cocktail—
serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, etcetera.
i'd write you a poem but i'd rather
spend my time in bed drinking
this chemical cocktail
with you.