soap stuck in teeth and larva that won't shed
i need to stretch
crying to the moon after reading my life in the news
sins published on my skin but everyone is blind
cherry flavored opioids have become so taunting
i've watched you change
identity patched together like a kid who doesn't know themselves
that hopped on a carousel that never stops turning
fixated on the past with the present at my doorstep
he hangs over my head
as limp as the animals at seaworld, he felt relieved
aftermath was hard to calculate
mother was crying over a second pair of wedding rings
a forever absence
too much information
imported in this ****** *** brain
how am i supposed to remember the day i caught on fire
or what it felt like to be full,
without stuffed lungs and a stitched migraine?
she cried in her sleep, a mirror between us
his hands and theirs have their grip
not once, twice, or thrice
why am i so shocked every new time my advantage is taken?
did it even happen?
was it enjoyable?
they're my friends though, right?
maybe this head's down the hill
i drank to forget, but when drunk, i remember
can't get high because then i'm more vulnerable
hanging out to distract, but end up more depressed
it isn't an act, i'm actually distressed
mother doesn't know what goes on behind the curtain
maybe i do enjoy myself
is this happiness? or has sadness overtaken me too long for me to recognize the difference?
this train is full of water
but the ride is worthwhile if it led me back to before everything happened
when clammy fingers walked me down the halls
my embarrassing background lingering
shunned away with only so little to choose from
it was peaceful
now, this name fits better
this body feels different
and this mindset is comfortable
knives thrown down halls and bloodied bedsheets made me drift away from stability
walking on edges
if i misstep, would it be a loss?
nirvana is temporary, solemnness is temporary, fear - temporary, shock, envy, grief, romance, desire, triumph, death
temporary
temporary
temporary
temporary
they'll have to get over it
my feet are too deep in the grave to get out
to pass time, i flip pages of my creations
powerful and mighty, this was done on my own accord
submerging in crimson syrup
it might be my own, who knows?
anger was my first lesson
can't teach this dog old tricks
do i have a promising future when i've endured so much?
empty graduation stands
with an absence of guests on a wedding day
isolated in a hospitable city
am i in love?
or giving myself a reason to prosper?
these actions are done for someone else
they won't recognize their impact
can't even specify, 'cause i have more than one on my mind
bones are rusted, spine gone bad from holding up everyone else
the other side is welcoming
npc's will continue on
stagnant state
just buckle my seatbelt, i'm leaving home

"dance with me"
how can i decline?
their eyes are on me
scanning and searching for the moment i'm no longer in control of myself
he's clawing at me,
caging me in
while the other parades as my "lover"
i only want you
you left your friends for me,
just so we could sit and talk
you didn't expect anything
this minimalism should not be reassuring
are we different?
the lurkers are saying no
yet i feel like the moon who's met mercury
i ate the apple from your tree,
and you didn't treat it as an invitation
when will you expect more?
i'm so scared of you
because the hands you lay on me were requested, not forced
gravity is holding me back from vulnerability

a bullet is settled in the pit of my stomach as foreign arms are wrapped around me
the pain is comforting, but it's only temporary
the steady drum of your heart as my acquaintances drink their life away
i hear your apologies and compliments
you paint my skin red
my heart aches because in a few months, i'll be gone with only lead poisoning to remind me of you
the scratches won't scar and bruises won't stain
apple whiskey was never so comforting
you've read my book and wanted to be a chapter
you'll only be a few pages worth
i'm sorry for your attachment to me
just know, i'll never stop thinking about your gun between my legs and the exhilarating fear you made me feel

my nails are long, knees exposed
i'm neglecting myself
you predicted it
in the many letters you wrote, i recall you marking the date of my death
oh how time has passed

the cherry-flavored drink is tempting
would it make you happy?
one sip at a time
lids closing like blinds
a limp body against a marbled floor

would i be nestled in bed?
or in a bathtub as i drown my head?
you predicted so much
when will it end?
you know better

i can find a heavy bar
and make everyone's pain go away
the walls are taunting
the laughs are lingering
but the silence is louder

my bones are cold
as they slide against hot blood
i could be warm
and comfortable
with one slash on the wrist
or a string around my throat

this is a game to you
i could be gone
i can hear your smile
as you're reading this,
you think i'm just joking

sigh, my toxicity is unmatched
my mind unbothered
my body unscathed,
untouched, unaccounted for-
i'm reckless you know?
nights spent in the city with some irrelevant boy obsessed with me
i treated liquor like water just to feel something
mindless flirting to any individual who gives me attention
and deceitful words laced with false sincerity has everyone longing for me
that's why the bruises and cuts i left on you are not healed
no one is ever done with me
i'm narcissistic, manipulative, two-faced, uncontrolled, crazy, impulsive, addictive, independent-
you, darling, do not affect me in the way you are thinking
you, do not know me
this barrier won't protect you, i am a machine of destruction
take this as a warning sweetheart

sincerely,
the ego you never got to know

sophia, she sat next to the window, back bare as the frost consumed the glass
i inhale the smell we've created along with the feeling of guilt and trepidation
am i a weapon?
with the rocky mountain that is my mentality?
she isn't cold
but i feel like ice on the bear rug i lay on in front of the fireplace i threw my past in
if stability was easy, she would be in flames - nonexistent
i intertwine my fingers with knotted fur
i let her drive me here, i caused this heartache
my unhappiness is derived from me

finally, it's here
the labyrinth was filled with riddles, but here is the end
all the time spent maneuvering over past mistakes, empty homes, unfulfilled expectations, and the distorted perceptions they all had
when it was new, nothing was real - he wasn't and to myself, I was still pure with a smothered heart
this meteor is coming home and I will be extinct
the past egos are merging, they know what comes next
the first year was a trial, here comes the hard part
it has started, the distractions are craters, my skin is boiling
the maze was physical but now its etched inside
these new obstacles are endless, why did you have to go?
one year was an eternity, and to endure infinitely more is torture
how does one last? the end was so close but you are the metal door keeping me here