I'm distraught and caught between what is real and what is not
Am I losing myself to people I don't know or in his arms where I was once comfortable?
I've been here before, I have seen you before, I have said this before
This mirror was broken, the shards are hidden in your backpack
The lipstick is there too and you have a scar on your knee from when we tripped in front of his grave
I know you,
do you know me? These feelings are not real, but also not a hallucination
I can't figure it out,
who are you? You don't know the white walls or the broken urn, the salt in my knees, or the irony
The drowning boats, stained carpets - can you even see me?
blink. I'm suffocating.
I'm not here, I'm really not
déjà vu can be a sickening thing but do not be fooled
if I am real, so are you.

i am art and i am called impulse
there is audible scolding
but i'm simply knocking things off my bucket list
she asks why i'm almost done when i have 60 years ahead
she thinks i will outlive her when in fact i am ending soon
what she doesn't know won't hurt her
inhale this melancholy, what do i have to live for
my life is a record and the absence is haunting
the things i do, the things i chase after only to get a high
i am not happy
i am not ok
if there is no future why do i have to stay
she's fixated on the temporary but i will be permanent

act i
the sky is a collision of different tones of pink and lilac
it's 5:27 in the morning and i'm carving out the shape of you in the clouds
my feet dangle off my office building and i'm picking the dried blood out of my nails
i can taste the mercury on your tongue
you feel the scratch on my cataracts
my pain resides with you
you always tell me how this makes us the perfect match
act ii
now it's the summer when I lost myself
when I threw up fire every morning and had an acetone burn in my throat
you saw me dancing alone with a skeleton - thinking it's all just so romantic
i remember the rope breaking and saying lustful love is nonexistent - that love *****
st elmo was proud
act iii & iv
now its valentines day and I feel more lonely than usual
the red reminds me of my busted vessels from the pinching I've done and your chipped nail polish
the sky is charcoal and asphalt
its 7:03 in the evening and i see myself in the rain
everything goes wrong when i predict it
but nothing goes right with my crystal ball

welcome back babe, i missed you. this time last year you had the time of your life. you were daddy's girl and even became someone's baby girl, do you remember those times? you had that blue cherry taste in your mouth and even favored the purple lemonade mom made on sundays. you were the girl you wanted to be - a big city girl who partied in hospital rooms and inhaled too much of the clouds when the shoes got rough. he went and escapades and summer heat rendevouz kept you occupide. we both know it didn't do much. you didn't give daddy a kiss in time and you didn't cherish that bad hip, it's ok. don't cry and don't feel regret, you've done more than enough. no one says it but they're still proud of you. this year will be rough but you can do it. school will be hard as always but the circus boy you love so much will be there for you. don't go chasing his act, it won't give you any answers. leave the dirt on your knees, it'll wash off over time. rest up, you don't want to stay up these days. after they're all gone, that's all you'll do. you have time, take it easy. breathe in, don't stress. bye babe, goodnight.

you told me the epitome of existence was imagining the lovers disease as nature
the forbidden a word was an orchid
the forbidden c was a daisy
the forbidden h was a rose and so forth
you founded their roots thinking ugly things end up being beautiful
you decorated your nest with café patches and patiently waited to prove your point
but then we met
skin touched and the flowers bloomed naturally and out of sight
my once damaged veins became wrapped in vines
your lungs filling up with various flowers when we inhaled cotton candy
spines got entangled with stems
we woke up every morning puking up the dead petals stuck in our throats
a new sickness inhabiting us
it was worse than heroine
worse than morphine
i called it the best part of falling in love
the spark never died but we slowly did
the vines got to our hearts and we were gone
flashing lights and carnival sirens startled me awake
you weren't by my side when i emptied the new batch of petals
kicked up a dust storm and made my way to where the birds fly at 2:14 in the morning
opened the gate to see your garden filled
your name is placed in the center on a dull, gray stone i can't help but flatten the bed of daisies planted around you

this garden looked better brown

hey I want to play a game

let's play the game where you say I look good with him and I laugh, thinking it's an insult
let's play the game where I can't see him as a friend anymore after you said that
let's play the game where I contemplate my feelings towards him
let's play the game where I imagine a life with him because I fall so fast
let's play the game where being locked in the storage room for several years makes me afraid that he's a boy
let's play the game where I pick him apart to rebel against myself
let's play the game where I tear myself apart because he isn't my dream girl
let's play the game where I think about him for three months and it breaks me
let's play the game where I accidentally fall in love
let's play the game where I risk my heart and confess on a Tuesday
let's play that game where I'm crying in my best friend's hair and everyone passes by saying he wasn't worth it anyway
let's play the game where I wait for 8 days tearing my head apart
let's play the game where he finally calls and says "I want to be with you"
let's play the game where I get all I ever wanted
let's play the game where I'm happy with the love of my life and he's happy to be with me
let's play the game where he actually loves me too

Never mind, forget it
I don't want this
I don't want to play anymore

hey babe, it's me. you did it, you survived. i'm very proud of you and you deserve to hear that. it's the end of the twelfth month. you should go grab a drink and celebrate, you deserve it. school stressed you out? it's ok, you tried your best. you're in love. would you have guessed it? in love with a silly boy that makes you feel dizzy. he soothes you and it's overwhelming, but he's home. he's safe. your other hip is doing good too. having trouble as always, but she'll make it. tell her you love her, she needs to hear it. hug her too, she wants one but gets nervous. don't neglect her, she's discontinued. the hospital is ok. don't get scared. one is for you and one is for him, everyone is alive. don't fret. the miscellaneous items located at the bottom of your bag are still there but they're irrevelant. you can clean them out later. if you're crying, stop. it's not worth it. go kiss mom for me and daddy too, you'll miss those moments. when everyone's gone, like it is now, you'll feel lucky. savor it, don't waste it. bye babe, goodnight.