Nanu, I had a dream last night that you came back

From being gone almost 3 years

We embraced and I told you I missed you so much

It was bittersweet, really.

I had seen you, and then you disappeared.

Like a shadow, when the sun decides to sleep.

I could've slept eternally knowing I would've been with you; forever

I remember when you were first diagnosed with lung cancer.

You held a smooth stone and told me, "Emily this stone is going to heal me one day."

You told me how it would make you better.

I remember one thanksgiving you gave me a glass of your wine

It was, bittersweet.

Vinegary as it ate away my tastebuds
Sweet like strawberries marinading in sugar, only.. Wine is made out of grapes... You taught me that.

Its funny, you used to let me sit upon your lap when you mowed the lawn, it was my own mistake for crashing it into the fence.

It was, bittersweet.

I got to drive a lawn mower and you had to fix the fence.

I look back to how happy you were on the sun porch in the summer heat, especially when lightening would strike the area around us,

I'd hide my face in your tarnished sweater

It was, bittersweet.

This morning I stood in the snow

Inhaling the heavy smoke of my marlboro cigarette

Weeping as I stared at the sky,

Then I remembered, you didn't disappear, you just went on vacation for awhile.

It's bittersweet, really.

I walk in the front door after not seeing you for nearly three months
I see your eyes wander my body head to toe as if there was an expired inspection sticker plastered on my forehead
One of the first things you ask me is, "Hows that diet going?" 
I could see it in your expression 
when I seriously say to you that I am a full figured woman and I'm proud
You simply stared into my eyes letting me know that isn't a good thing.

Once upon a time you thought I was beautiful 
When my skin was tightly stretched across my olive skin
collarbones like a razors edge
hip bones like a needles point
In your eyes I was perfect
My heart told me I was beautiful
The mirror in my mind told me I was too big to be beautiful
So here you are, knocking me down, piece by piece
Telling me the same things my brain did. 
Saying that I should just stop eating 
Left trying to sew back the broken pieces of my self esteem with these dull needles. 


Your words replay in my mind like a broken record
"I'm not even asking you to be skinny."
Rolls off your tongue like poison in not only your mouth but your eyes when you look at me.
Skinny, that word makes my bones jello and my skin crawl
Skinny, the adjective that you so badly want me to be described as.
Skinny, makes summer and laughing with boys a lot easier
Skinny, would make eating less of a guilt thing and more of a survival thing
Skinny is what you want me to be.
Let me tell you that looking like a plastic make-believe children’s toy is not the definition of beautiful
Just remember, Bones are for dogs, and meat is for men.

Ever since I was a child I wanted to be kissed by a black angel

Letting death herself take me beyond the veil, just to experience what afterlife really was

To figure out what it was like to fly amongst craters of isolation, and become one with the universe

I wanted to experience every last drop , as I let her sable wings conceal my inanimate body as she approaches me with open arms

We'll fly through dimensions of breath taking scenery with the notion of me one day seeing the world

She whispers, "What have you always wanted to be?"

I tell her, "I just want to be a bird."

Instead of being six feet under I'd rather be six feet up

Wings that defy gravity as they glide across alluring orange skylines that are painted upon our universe

I want my feathers embroidered in the constellations so that I too can be beautiful

Sheltered nest protect me from my biggest insecurities

Sturdy branches wrap me up like warm blankets pulling on the heartstrings of mother nature making her feel envious

Leaping off splintered birch bark into spacious reality

Drifting from unwanted complications hovering over graceful fields of solitude

Hollow bones sit like broken rose petals so delicate in the nest but so strong in the wind

I was kissed by a black angel

Finally,
I am free.

Ever since I was a child I would hear the wind whisper my name

Let the music of the heavens utter the tune of my youth

I wanted the cool breeze to swiftly flow over the delicate tiger lily that sleeps in the loam of my mothers garden bed

Let yellow flecks of it's sweet nectar disembark upon my rose flushed cheeks

My bare feet trot through the abundant marshy terrain

Jumping into the untouched sapphire water, watching the ripple in the waves empower the subtle pond

I want to live in green.

Because green is more than just a color, it's a way of life

Green is the leaves that produce us air in which we inhale giving us viability

Green is the sky which reflects onto the sun thus creating eternal being

Green is the tranquility of everyday life bringing us closer as individuals verses grouping us in pointless classifications

Green is not only a color, she is a person

She is the creator of Earths viridescence

Founder of all things beautiful,

Producer of all sounds wholesome

All this time I found out, she has been whispering my name.

It hurts that I can't hold you,
Tightly
Caressingly
lovingly

you can't love me because you're head over heels for other girls
who aren't me
never will be me
you'll never love me

I love you, you don't know that though
lets keep it that way
so when I cry myself to sleep
I know I won't hold you accountable
in my dreams