Since I was six I suffered with depression
From the age of seven
they told me "You are not worth it"
since I was eleven
I've believed every word the bullies tell me
Never believing that I was in fact special
Since I was twelve
My life has nearly ended
over twenty times
I've been hospitilized over and over
for things i did to myself
because selfish people in my grade
treat me like im nothing
hate me for no reason
and bully me to the point i want it all to end
I tell them i don't care what they think of me
but in my mind all i see
is my life finally ending
I'm not smart
and im not that pretty
Well at least thats what I've believed
after 10 years of being bullied
But you know
I'll be better

No I'm not perfect
not even close
when I made breakfast this morning
I burnt my toast
But no matter what
I will try my best
to at least be somewhat
decent

If you need something
or maybe you're down
were they being mean?
please turn around
don't try and flee
put away that frown
come just come to me
There is no need to fear
don't shed a tear
baby your makeup will smear
anything you need my dear
I'll be here

Hello... I just want to let you know
that they shouldn't matter
whatever they say.
I don't know where you are
or what you're doing
if your married
or if you have any kids
if you're even out of school yet
but I wanted to let you know
you do matter
to so many great wonderful people
the people that matter will stay in your life
if they want to leave they don't matter
follow your heart
and everything else will follow quickly behind
keep doing what you love even if you ****
be smart
stay beautiful
love people who love you
it does get better remember that
it may be a little bad now
but it will get better
I love you
-Emily 6-18-14

I missed you
and everything that comes
with you
like ur a happy meal
i've missed you fries
ive missed my best friend
thank
you
for coming back
and excepting me for me

I want to be that person that
changes you
for the better
the person you can rely on for
everything
If you fall down I will be here
to pick you right back up
if you cry
trust me ill be right here
If theres anything you need
ill give it to you
I'm not looking
to change you
just to change myself

They say
I have
no
soul
no
heart
but
that's quite
heartless
don't
you think
making someone
else feel
bad
for
the color
of their
hair
I try to let it
slip my mind
forget it ever happened
but whenever I see them
in my head
I hear them
criticizing my hair
and my freckles
I can not change
I was born this
way
No one can make me different
I gave a homeless man half
of my sandwich
and five dollars
yet
I'm soulless
I gave a soldier I didn't even know
a hug and a thank you
yet I have no heart
Well you know what
I am a proud ***
Ginger

For the last two days I feel like I've been dreaming
Nothing could be better
Everything I have desired has come to me
Why is that
everyone I long for are all talking to me
The smell of rain on the pavement
(my favorite scent)
has filled the air
yet there is a hint of sun
oh and its so warm
the trees have leaves
and the flowers have bloomed

Is this nothing more than a dream
I wish these days would just stand still
I wish I could talk to him forever

Maybe forget all that was wrong before
This new found confidence is inside me
He makes me feel better than anyone has ever before

Am I falling in love
I don't know how to take this
I ache to talk to him
To see his green dot pop up on facebook
I feel so happy and so content
everything is going my way
can this please stay like this everyday
can this dream never end
Please I beg of you
don't return to my nightmare

I hate society
thanks to society I can't meet my boyfriend
thanks to society I can't meet my best friend
why you ask
they're from the middle east
and apparently everyone from the middle east is bad
well thats *******
just because of 9/11

I mean an American killed a bunch of little kids
at Sandy Hook
That doesn't mean all Americans are evil

We have security in place for a reason
what ******* is going to carry weapons on a plane
if they do a full body scan

Society is ****** up
But what can I do?

Before I was even born
my dad got a dog
A bull mastiff
He was the sweetest
he wasn't supposed to
live past
8 weeks
but he prevailed
he was my brother
he was my best friend
I put my trust into him
He laid his head on me
I was too young
to understand
why he had to leave
now its been six years
and I still miss him
could you blame me
He sits on my Dad's night
stand
in a gold tin
he lies on my dad's shoulder
in permanent ink
he stands near me
in a picture
actually quite a few
he holds a place
a huge one
in my heart
his name was Dozer
and this is for him

I want to be beautiful
I want to be smart
I want to be strong
I want to be kind
I want to be talented
I want to be brave
I'm scared of the person I may become
I want to be someone else
I want to love myself
No stop
I am beautiful
and I'm not fake
I am smart
smarter than I think
I am strong
strong as an ox
I am kind
gentle and fair
I am talented
arts and music are where its at
I am brave
I've gone through so much yet I'm still here
I like the person I have become
I want to be myself
not anyone else
I love myself
and everything I am
yes I may be different
a little crazy I might add
But I'm happy with who I am
You don't have to like me
but please don't take
as long as I did to realize
all those good qualities
love yourself
because of you
not because of what others make you out to be

Bored Bored Bored Bored Bored
Bored Bored Bored extremely bored
still pretty bored bye

once i was depressed
now i am not
once i was anxious
now i am not
once i was in love
that has not stopped

Screaming and crying
like a child i am
pushing him away
telling him to stop
my eyes burn from tears
my voice is tired of crying
he forces his fingers inside of me
I was fourteen
only 5 foot 2
115 pounds
he puts his arm
on my neck
choking me
I go silent
He stares into my eyes
I finally wiggle myself out of his arms
i run
to the end of the street
I scream and cry
like a child i am
why isn't anyone saving me
or can they even hear me

I don't want your pity
so please stop giving it to me
no i don't have the best life
nor the best luck
but if im sad
I don't want your pity
i want you to make me laugh

They made us wear these yellow stars on our coats
they took our treasures then our homes
they came to get us on a humid summer day
my feet burned
my children cried for water
They shoved us into a cattle car
eighty in each
we would relieve ourselves in the corner
we couldn't lay down
we took turns sleeping
why did we think we would be okay?
My  second youngest she was 2 tugged on my coat
"Momma, what is happening?" She asked
I didn't know what to tell her
I held all of them close
Marie, she was 6
Grace, she was 4
Lacey, she was 2
None of us even knew.
My husband
sat staring into space
My poor son only 13 didn't look dazed at all
the train pulls to a stop
they hit us with rocks and whips, club, sticks
My Grace pulled my sleeve
She pointed
A pit
A pit of fire
Then the factory
It smelled of death here
There were words only eight of them
"Woman to the left. Men to the right."
I picked Lacey up in one arm
Grace in the other
Marie held on to my coat
We all left
my husband and my son held hands
That was the last time I saw them in the physical world.
The SS made us take our clothes off
And told us to run
Then one by one they asked us questions
Our age
"45" I said
"6" said Marie
My little girls stayed quiet
Not because they didn't want to say
Because they were not asked.
They pointed for The little ones and I to go to the right
Pointed for Marie to go left.
Marie grabbed me.
She wanted to go with us
So she did
Why, right?
We went
we were told we were getting a shower
They shoved thousands of us into a cold room.
All of the sudden gas filled the room
We suffocated
until
we
all
died
I rose from my body and stared around.
Why such cruelty? I wondered
My girls rose from their bodies too
We stared around looking for answers
Answers that will never be answered.
A light appeared and we followed
to Heaven
seven months later my husband appeared
nine months later it was my son
Never forget
Always remember
6 million numbers

Her brown eyes staring deep into my soul
She blinks slowly
I put my hands behind her neck
pull her close
kiss her nose
her cheeks
I lean in and kiss her lips
she turns
perfectly fitting us together
her hands just above the end of my pants
my hands run through her hair
She pulls away and stares into my eyes again
our kisses are the best

I'm pretty sure you're going to say " no"
but I thought I would ask just so I know
so that thing coming up in March
whats it called again?
Oh that's right the semi-formal.
So you see all of my best friends are either
iar or too cool for dances.
and you well you're pretty cute
and super sweet I know this is a stupid question
and I'm going to get a "no"
but I feel as though I should ask this just to be positive...
will you go with me?
or at least save me one dance?

Dear you, yes I'm speaking to you.
Did you know you're special
talented, pretty,smart,
and superb. You're everything
I wish I could be yet you don't
want to be you.
You're funny and witty.
Someone who will let me
cry on their shoulder.
You're strong and courageous.
The light at the end of the darkest tunnel.
I love you I promise till the end of time.
I'll be here to wipe away your tears and say.
Baby, you're beautiful way too much to cry I love you
princess chin up buttercup :

Bundled under her black and white comforter knowing her alarm will ring any second. Wraps the blanket around herself and rocks herself out of bed. Right as she does the alarm starts to ring. She tells it to shut up as she turns the switch to off. She goes out into the kitchen no one is up yet. Grabs herself a packet of oatmeal (Always strawberries and cream) She likes it thick and lukewarm with a glass of milk. While shes out there her dad comes out makes his coffee then leaves.After she eats her breakfast she slowly makes her way to her bedroom. The night before she lied out an outfit. Skinny Jeans and a purple button down shirt. She looks at herself in the body mirror by her dresser and pinches the fat around her hips and stomach. She takes off her fleece shirt and pants. She puts deodorant on and sprays herself with "Our moment" she put her shirt then her pants on. Goes into the bathroom. And brushes her red hair back into a messy bun. She applies her favorite makeup on her freckled face and her favorite lip balm on her small lips. She brushes her teeth with one of her eight toothbrushes and Colgate toothpaste. She runs into her room and puts her black flats on. Puts on her red jacket with the fur trim and walks out the door.  "Oh ****" she thinks "I forgot my back pack" She runs inside and grabs it. She makes her way to the bus stop. By the time she gets there everyone is there. About five minutes later the bus shows up. The bus is freeeezzzinnggg because the bus driver doesn't heat the bus. She sits in the seat still bundled up. A little later Aaron and Lori get on the bus. Aaron pushes her over and lies on top of her. Soon after the baybridge kids get on and it gets extremely loud. She talks to Brandie Logan Hannah and Aaron until the bus comes to her highschool. She walks off the bus and into the school. She walks to the cafeteria and puts her stuff down. She sees her best friend and walks around the school for what seemed like an hour. She sees her crush by his locker and tries to hide but he sees her and waves. She smiles and waves back shily. Soon after her class starts. Then she has lunch with him. She sits on her friends lap because there are no seats left. She checks her pockets for a dollar for a bagel but has none. One more class left. She finishes her school day and gets on the bus. (Pretty much the same thing but this time They have to pick the Jr high kids up) She gets to the bus stop and gets off of the bus. HOLY CRAP its freezing she thinks as she starts to walk home. Once she gets to her house she opens the door. She throws her stuff down and runs to the bathroom because she really has to go. Once shes done that she watches t.v. for a few hours. While procrastinating doing any homework or chores.  Finally at about 5 she decides to get some **** done... After dinner she washes the dishes and this one day asks to go on facebook. Her dad says yes so she goes on. She continuously sees Jessica's picture on facebook and tries to hold the tears in. After awhile she can't anymore. She asks her dad to take a shower but the real reason she wants to take a shower is so she can sob without people hearing her. Her dad says no though. She goes into her room and tries to find a razor.... nothing. She grabs a rock that for some reason appeared on her night stand.She srapes her arms over and over. She scratches fat into her stomach. she outlines the word Jess into her arm then crosses it out. Jess is gone she thought. She lies on her bed under the covers and silently cries until she falls asleep.

Someday I'll be okay
these dark cloud will go away
I won't have to cry all the days
they'll say I rule
they'll say I'm cool
they won't think I'm invisible
One day I'll be warmed by sunshine
one day I will be fine
but right now
I am not fine
and the sun doesn't shine.
not on me it doesn't
not on me
all I have is this storm cloud
and my invisibility powers

You laugh like I imagine an angel would
Your smile is like seeing the most beautiful sunset in the world
Your hair is perfect way too perfect
but I feel as though its not the outside of you that I love the most
it's that no matter how busy you are you have time to at least say "hi"
You make me smile more than I have in a while
The first time I saw you we had a staring contest across the cafeteria
You started putting your hands behind your head
I tried to do the same thing
But it felt awkward to me
I put them down and so my eyes went
I looked up and smiled and you smiled back
You're honest and sincere
And in my eyes you can do no wrong
All in all
You're amazing and smart
I'm so happy for you
This is how I see you
as you
well the you that I have seen so far

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

My dearest Caps Lock,
I didn't mean to push you
Pretty please shut up

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

Wearing mittens
boots all laced up
scarf around my neck
it's so cold
I can see my breath
hell
it's so cold
Jack Frost isn't nipping at my nose
  he's already chewing it

Winter in Maine
well you'd think it'd be grand
there is so much ice here
that there is nowhere to stand
the birds have flown south
in Florida they land

People cover their lips with Chapstick
there is so much snow in Brunswick
seriously whats the deal with it?

I may get ******* hypothermia
walking to my bus stop

Thank heavens I wore my wool socks

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

I have a secret
Please keep it
I have never had ***
It isn't a big surprise
Although most of my friends
They have
they talk about it a lot
Kind of ****** me off
My purity
means something
important to me

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

Katie Belle
Katie Boo
Katie Cat
She is 5
Yet she looks 2
blonde hair
pink tutu
polka dot tights
blue ballet shoes
pig tails
tiny hands
little giggles
eyes so very blue
falls to the floor
and starts to seize
Katie honey
I'm here for you
Katie baby
I love you
© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

Do not call me that
you a stupid *** bully
oh well its nada

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

I am not graceful
I am a total klutz
the only time I am
is when I dance
when I spin and twirl
I feel at peace
My leotard pink
my tights are white
well at least they used to be
ballet shoes pink stained with grey
my red hair in a bun
leaping high
Dancing
Dancing
Dancing

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

Honey I'm crushing
Hard as hell
Baby its on you
You know I like you
Oh yes I know you do
But sweetie you're perfect
sweet as sugar
honest as washington
but I guess you want someone
pretty, funny, and smart
im just an old ****
whatever i know you don't want me
im lame as can be
I can't help crushing on you
I mean seriously boy look in a mirror
You'll see how perfect you are
look through my eyes to how i see you
I know I shouldn't like you
I should give up
But if I do give up
I think I will give up with love overall

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

This isn't what i wanted
I didn't want you to leave
to hate me nor love me
i wanted to be there for you
when you need me
I just need you to
know I will not forget you
How could this be
me without you
is like peanut butter without jelly
life without death
could this be
please tell me I'm having a nightmare
don't leave me
please don't hate me
how could this be
that you don't even
care enough to say good bye to me
well fine be that way
I don't care what you say
just leave me alone I guess
I'm done
See you
next
year

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

You're sweet as sugar
But you rot my teeth
I want you so bad
but I know you're bad for me
I try to stay away
because darling I barely know you
I'll try to eat some candy
to help me cope
with the fact
that you don't love me back

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

Darling what you're doing
that's not cool
please don't keep going
on with what you're saying
telling my best friend to
**** herself
saying she talks **** about me
sorry honey but you need
to grow up you're
eighteen years old
you  live in a different state then us
so please you're harassing minors
we're fifteen leave us alone
like seriously no joke
we've talked to the police
so I suggest you leave us alone
Sweet heart this is illegal

© 2013 Emily Larrabee. Legally Copyrighted, all rights reserved

I am a girl
six inches over five feet tall
I am bulimic
and sometimes depressed
I can't stand blood so i don't cut
I'm afraid of ***** and so much more
I'm not psychotic maybe a little weird
I love music and poetry
I love people if they love me back
I love my sister she's thirteen
I am me
and this
is
Who I am

You come to me in your time of need
then tell me I'm doing it wrong
I don't know what you want from me
I'm done with the drama
I'm done with the crap
Apparently I made you cry
Yet I didn't
neither did she
so stop saying crap
like how we are making you cry
how we aren't good friends
because sweetie you have it wrong
I try to help you
but i don't know what you need from me
I was trying to be a good
friend but YOU
YES YOU
made me cry
I'm done with you
with him
I'm done with this all

dont hate me for something long ago
i am not normal i get it
i didnt do anything though

Are you crazy
no I'm not getting up
I'm way too lazy
I'm tired as fudge
I'm going back to bed
pressing snooze
I'll see you at noon

Mimi her name was
roams the halls
ever since she took that fall
eating lunch with her friends
talking about the latest trends
her cheer leading skirt was stuck
she fell to her death that very day
she now haunts the place where she died
at least we now know she couldn't fly
it was quite some time ago she passed
people say she was quite a pest
she is still searching for her future
to get out of that place
she was in high school
but they tore it away
now its an elementary school
i don't think she knew
she now has to stay there not be able
to move on
how are you supposed to graduate
from high school
if it isn't that
poor Mimi
poor girl

Lady by the river
starts to shiver
her wrists covered with silver
blonde hair shimmers
she is pulled away
his hand covering her face
she tries to scream
but all is quiet
she cries for some time
Until she becomes silent
he rapes her
ever so violent
she tries to run
but he tells her to join the fun
she wants to see the sun
her time is done
he cuts her into slivers
he drowns her in the water
she haunts it
she always will
that is why
they call this girl
The Lady of the River

she left when i was four
no explanation or anything more
it cut me straight to the core
you may think i was too young
to understand but my heart tore
my baby sister she was two
she barely could walk without falling
down onto the floor
now I barely see her
she's growing up too fast
she doesn't remember much of that past
she remembers calling me "*****."
And that she loved saying "it's purple."
I remember so much more
The smell of my moms sweet perfume
how she always had these really good cookies
her hugs and her kisses
but that day when she left it hurt me so much
because a girl needs her mother
a mother cannot leave her children
but my mom she was different
she never said "Good bye."
She never taught me to fly
she didn't see Jillian become the beaut she is today
she won't be able to see my sixteenth birthday
or be there for graduation
or my wedding
but whatever at least I have my dad
and my little sister
and family and friends
at least i have you guys/girls
because i know if you were going to leave you would at least say
"Good bye."

what will happen if we ever meet

will you do as you do that day

are you the same person are you as sweet

do you care would you stay

or leave and call me a freak

no im not pretty quite the opposite

What will happen

will you leave me

all alone

ditch me as everyone else has done
turn into my mother

shes made me a fighter

so baby if you are

you'll just make me mightier

I am sitting in a meadow
lush and green with now trees
the wind is quiet
I break down in tear and the wind
it started whispering to me
"Please don't cry. I know it's hard
darling don't you worry."
I wiped my tears away slowly
The wind turned in a breeze and blew past me
I picked a flower as the wind whispered
"Be happy."

this is not an easy thing to explain.
but since i was little i knew i wasnt straight
no i am not a lesbian
no i am bot bisexual
i am a thing most people dont know of
it is called pansexual
i do like boys
but i like girls too
and everybody in between
i date for personality
not for looks
but if your cute that is an added bonus
I feel like i trust u all
you don't know anyone that knows me
like seriously who are you going to tell
my friends already know
my parents had known
they just thought i was bi
but im not
im different.

Hello Dearest, here is a letter just for you. You have been
by my side since sixth grade. You're so smart even though you act stupid.
You're hilarious and pretty. You know my worst side and my best. You love
me for me.  You're welcome by the way for getting you to ask Dakota out.
You two are the cutest :*. I see you :)
I love you.
Sincerely, Em

Leave her alone
she is obvi annoyed
shut the **** up
go play with yourself
like u probs do
shes my best friend
don't call her names
she may be cute
but shes scary as ****
mess with her
you mess with me
mess with me
you're dead meat
don't call her names
don't say shes fat
shes not ugly
shes just fine
she always makes me laugh
leave her alone
she doesn't need your *******
you ******* ******* seriously
GO TO HELL

Emily is always right
when shes right she is right
when she is wrong she is right
is it hard to understand???
do not correct me
do not tell me im wrong
just pretend im right.
seriously this isnt a joke
i hate being corrected
it makes me feel dumb
i will find out eventually
just leave it alone
i know i make mistakes
everybody does
its the thought that counts
to me.
So if i get puncuation wrong
or spell a word wrong
just seriously tell me im right
i don't  care if im wrong
i know how to fix my mistakes
i dont need your help
Please
Oh Please
don't fix my mistakes

Shasha: If you like then u should’ve put a ring on it.

Emily: A.) not the right song b.) not singing time yet C.) What’s your name?

Shasha:BUT I  WANT TO SING !!! And I’m Natasha

Emily: Sorry about that folks I’m Emily. We are the Purple People Peepers

Shasha: Purple is the color peeping is the uhm.... Dollar??

Emily: Well who here knows about the smurfs?

Shasha: Smurfs??

Emily: Yup.

Audience hoots and hollers

Emily:Well sometimes if I embarrass Natasha enough she looks like a smurf.

ShaSha: You weren’t supposed to tell people.

Emily: Sorry.

ShaSha: Emily shush its my turn.

Emily: Well alright.

Shasha: We’re gonna be singing!

Emily: Yeah... What song?

Shasha: We Wish You A Merry Christmas!

Emily: (Gives Shasha a sarcastic look) And A Happy New Year?

Shasha: What song is that?

Emily: (Gives Shasha a confused look) Or, we can sing the song we planned on singing.

Shasha: (Smiling) Okay! (Turns and looks at Emily, very confused) What song is that?

Emily: I Want You Back by
Shasha: Cher Llyod!

Emily: No, The Jackson 5.

Shasha: The band?

Emily: (Gives her another sarcastic look) Yes, Natasha, the band. The group, Sweetie, The Jackson 5 is a group.

Shasha: I know, when are we gonna start singing?

Emily: Right now.

Shasha: Great! Who’s singing first?

Emily: I don’t know!!! How about Hermes??Maybe Jesus??

Shasha: \What does that have to do with the song?

Emily: Really? I hadn’t thought about that *sarcasticalIy
’
Shasha: Because you’re not smart like me. (smiles and points at herself proudly)

Emily: Yeah.....thats why.....

Shasha: Tehe

You're loved I hope you know
through thick in thin we share one soul
you're my best friend my sister
my blondey my ***** a smile on a sad day
my light when its dark outside
a laugh and a giggle a hug
a dumb nut a **** munch
my dad hates you
yes he does
he hates most people though
okay so bye
love you

We met at a bonfire
it was cold as Antarctica
though talking to you I didn't get tired
though I felt you weren't listening
you just stood there nodding
but since we became friends
you talk a lot more
you're my best guy friend
that I know for sure
but you give awful hugs

Seriously? You're so immature.
Really? We're going to be stupid?
Seriously? We're in the tenth grade.
Really? I think it's time to grow up.
Seriously? This isn't funny.
Really? Now your calling me a lesbian?
Seriously? Cause I hugged my best friend?
Really? Now your calling me names?
Oh what joy.
stupid boys

I have time to spare
To go for a walk
to frolic in a luscious meadow
to sing a little song
I have time before
I need to go
I have time to hold your hand
I promise I will till I have to leave
I have sometime
though its wearing thin
Growing pail and weak
my love will stay but
I need to go
I have time
I have time
I have time
But not anymore