I don't want to be miserably happy. To have others think I'm not miserable and lonely but truth be told I'm getting older and grumpy. I hate that I have to hide my feelings and they pour out of me. That jk fragile but that's not aloud when you grow up and out into the world in front of yourself. That you can find the child left in your heart and so you rely upon shame and self doubt. I hate going to bed and forcing myself not to think because the thought of being my own person scares the fake person inside me. And u have to smile and wear nothing but fake pleasure  like a scarlet letter but it helps justify my needs. And the fact I don't have needs. And the idea I want to lose my wants and find my flaws and smoke them up because behind this newly discovered person are still the same flaws just covered up with a new awakening I try and share with those I need to impress to feel like good and whole and really I just want to be ******* raw. I want my scars to seep out and my secrets to unlock their closet and I want to tear down my securities walls and tell myself I am not whole. I am not okay and I love being forgotten.

For him.

Just having you makes me breathe easier and see clearer. Your the calm in the storm and shore on my horizon.    

Your my hit of cigarette after a caffeine drip and my shot of whisky when the sun goes down and so follows my sanity.

Your my understanding and my lack of reasoning and you are my only reason.

Your the ground I can land on when I fall into your heart and don't know if feeling it's thumping makes me feel more alive or more absent in life. and your the hand that I allow to pick me up when only myself brings me down just knowing you exist makes me feel like your around.

I hold a piece of you that you will never understand and with our misunderstandings we find our common bindings.

Tangled together in webs that weave, a different pattern then I thought I'd see.

Because you are the darkest light creating Crimson memories. And this awakening will be the death of me.

The death of the darkness I wanted to rely on overtaking who I was supposed to be.

Which was no one. And for once I allow your heart to hold on. To take me away and let everything go. Every time my rich heart beats it will know. It can be for you forever more.

When I look into your eyes there are tiny crevices like tiny trap doors. These doors lead to hidden passages that have access to your innocently desensitized soul. You've been tampered and taunted with life's beautiful lessons that make eAch day seem like an impossible place but mentally you had a choice to make. And I know you think that the fork in the road is going to turn down another dead end and your stuck  inside your head again but I want you to remember that I will always try and be your realist friend. And I knew this when we had experienced those real conversions on my bed. I want lift the pain from your heart and heal the scars they've left but that's not the way god intended. It Amazes me that when I look at the sky I see only black with little glimmers of hope and you still look at it with destiny inside and predetermined events of undiscovered hope.  . And that makes me feel special to know you and your healing me with your own severed timeline. As each new door is revealed your eyes continue to shine with innocence that you think can't still exist. For you my best of friend have kept me sane and help me want to breathe again. You showed me that love can still be real even when your struggles are hard and it's foggy where there should be light at the end. So forever I will picture those eyes staring back and see a beautiful little kid. And I know you hate that your younger then others with more knowledge then most but you should see this is the best of your qualities exposed. Your a kind hearted wanderer that wants to finally plant his feet but it seems your stuck and cannot grow because the roots are deep and your dreams can get drowned out by each mind altering memory. But when your mind is altered you always still manage to say the same thing. "Please don't say sorry and just talk to me." Because burdens are held on your back that should have already broken from straws that strike when your spirits had been previously broken. But you still manage to take my problems and make them your own. And you do this without making me feel like it's a subconscious chore. For no other motive then to keep me happy when I'm used to these words to keep score. And that makes you more special then anyone iv been able to know before.

When i looked in your eyes you said you saw mine staring back at you. But that was a lie. You held me when I cried and I believed the sincerity in your sweet innocence and honesty. But that was also a lie. When you held me at night and told me everything was going to be fine and made my heart beat to sounds of your drum for once I believed you. And in future thoughts hoped to be with you. You have a charismatic aura that radiated kindness and I know you never meant to hurt this damaged heart and wanted to splint it up with your kind gestures and take me under your also broken wing but those eyes you
Claimed to see weren't mine. They were hers and that should have been fine. But this heartbreak seems to be a different kind. The kind that hits hard.  because hurt was never the intention but your heart beats for her and always will and that's something you failed to mention. I wanted to stay in those unfamiliar arms and believe that if I tried hard enough I could have you. But I guess when you wanted me to give everything up that was just a fantasy of getting your heart out of a limbonic routine. And when you said you might be able to love me that was a lie. But there was real truth when I said that you are a mental magician. Someone who's heart is really full of love just not for this person. So I am forced to forgive you for your heart that's too big for two. And I want you to know that I fully forgive you. I'm only cynical because I want someone to feel for me the way that you do. She's a beautiful lucky girl and she deserves what you give. And I want you to know your a person who helped me remain wanting to live. I have a love hate relationship now that our escapades have quit. But im also sorry your heart had to bear all this ****. Because all I needed was someone to understand me and you did. I thank you for teaching me many new things. But most importantly you made me believe I could be happy again.

I think of you all the time in the darkest of nights. Erie when the stars are all so bright. I wonder what it would be like to let you have me again. To let your arms wrap around me and hold me tight. Tighter my heart feels for committing to this confession. Your glassy eyes are honestly crystal clear of clarity for me. Buts that's how we remain and are conscious how it will always be. Contradicting and dancing in limbo of fiery serenity. Mind spins like on carousels without the ability get get off and learning to just ride.  But this confession seems to always **** me. I think of times of innocence event though now innocent we are not. The others close to my heart don't understand and think or bridge has burned. But little do they know there will always be water underneath to carry you home to me like blood that rushes to my heart. You are the only one that truly left a scar and I know at night you think of me too when it's dark. And I know you think of past times when we unanimously see stars. Erie as it is we always swim in the gray area. The deep depths that cause swallowing hard because guilt resides where pleasures are carried. Like the day we crashed and totaled the car we were prevented from taking things any farther. You said I was your angel and someone wanted us to survive and this memory I have always harbored. It's you iv been waiting for and wanted. Our companionship consists of the contradictions of each other's demons riding on shoulders. And damaging mentality never sounded so sweet and tasted so bitter. And you don't believe in god but I believe I'm just one of purgatories cliche sinners. Living to love hating our past and knowing how my heads going crazy but my sweet heart remains clever.

I hate seeing goodbye in his eyes and hearing the song play in the background.

I want to let everyone know I'm still mentally here but not even my own mind can trick me this time.

Mentality of the younger me.
Emily A. Grande

And as I return to thoughts inducing removing of cellophane off packs of cancer sticks I look around and see memories of cluttered messes. I open up my arms to my insecurities but that always seems to **** me and I start to not be able to withstand me. I think back to when life wasn't made up of cliche clicks of the inevitable clock that makes time the most important thing in this life that inside your conscious continually clicks.

I miss mentality of a childhood and unfortunately to grow up you have to grow old and forget of those children's stories you were told. Of Heroes and knights in shining armor of sensitivity and realizing they have always just wanted to **** me. It's sad to see the princess you thought you we're wear a crown that feels more made of thorns because that one sacred and now questioned  person died for your dignity. But then you question religion and in turn question living. And **** I want so bad not to flip through the chapters of my life and believe that they can't have fairy tale
Endings but that's the thing...

This beautiful tale already insinuates it's make believe. And inside you start to turn bitter it seems because when you grow up it's all about the questioning and overthinking and decision making and times catching up on me. And just when you start to feel like you can breathe is ironically when you start to inhale different smoke. Or maybe something else and then you realize your becoming one of the kids your mom warned you about and this induces doubt that your okay and can mentally stay sane and Wonder where you'll end up someday.

I don't need much just a simple kiss or tight hug and I seem to be giving more of myself then my soul because opening legs opens minds but builds up walls and close doors and. Makes god open that window that seems more of an escape to jump out rather then just open it up and take in a deep breath.

Deep breathes now are more of exasperated signs accomplices of chips piling up on shoulders and never giving tension in your head and heart a rest. And your feeling like ribs dominate the whole cavity of your chest and start to realize the real things for which your blessed. I'm learning how not to want to "not want," to give into sweet temptations that are no longer recreations and becoming daily routines.

I wish my day still consisted of playing outside and running around with the entire world created in a mind that hasn't been molded into what fate has decided to deal in life's game. But that's the thing about games. We all seem to want to play but I am never winning or a sore loser but always losing. These decisions aren't mine for the choosing. But souls sore from losing creates scars on hearts and overthinking starts.

And it's always check mate for that person who made me think they would actually stay with lies of sincerity and devotion and those strategically placed pawns are played. I'm dealing a deck of cards that are all faces and I'm stuck with low numbers and days that seem to change from black to red. Two extremes hot and heavy and heaving sighs build up and I can't ever begin to rest.

I feel like I'm constantly the name Called in red rover because even as kids we were taught to call out the weakest link in the chain and it's those that break through this wall that survive. But those that don't are forced to hold hands with people who's defeated soul couldn't break through the wall and together they collectively become Strong on each others losing common bonds.

Children play hide and seek because people learn to accept the idea of finding what they can't have as a challenge right off the bat. And as you begin to decide you are not one to win you want to throw hands in the air and scream **** it. That the chase is the thrill and to win it's about the other person giving in.

And **** I feel like my closest friends could be the death of me but I also couldn't begin to live without them and we all condone what we're doing isn't collectively wrong. Partners in crime are future misfits staying strong.