“I am literally experiencing an ego death”
the only thing i could write in that moment.
my mind went blank.
i knew nothing and no one
i didn’t know myself
a flood of confusion consumed me and i began drowning in fear
Surrounded by friends I supposedly knew
in a place that was supposedly common
i heard songs and sang along while wondering how i knew the words yet knew nothing
i had conversations though i had no idea why i was saying what i was saying
i was an observer of emily
and i searched her mind for clues as to who the hell she was
i rattled my empty mind for facts that i prayed would put me back together from this mental break
“you have a mother and a father”
“where were you born?”
“you adore your little sister”
“you are in love”
“you are alive"
i felt like a character in a story
dropped in mid-life with facts about my past that slowly unwound to provide a compelling background
memories never lived, just known
it all felt fictional
i had no sense of self
i had never been more afraid of a moment in time
i cried
As i grappled with reality i got a sense of who this emily was
her thoughts kept coming to the forefront of her mind involuntarily
and i chose to use them because i didn’t know what else to do
i was lost in my own psyche
with no way of knowing if i would ever remember how to live as i once did

It took months for me to merely acknowledge the downwards spiral
To identify the source of my destruction
Was the night you took my sadness and tears
as some kind of seduction

And now, with hindsight being 20/20
I see the unhealthy, victim that you made me

I binged on addictions in order to halt thoughts from rising to reality
Numbed my mind, emotions, and morals
Convinced myself that my actions were out of strength,
self knowledge and discovery….

But they were not

Unhealthy habits spiralled into self blame
Attempts to cope with a loss of self worth I could not explain

Masking pain with parties and loneliness with lovers
Spending nights weeping into someone else’s covers

Weeks of weeping, wailing and wallowing
Unable to utter why
It was that hazey nightmare I was swallowing
And all I could do, was cry

I remember your gaze
Filled with trust and a harmful hint of lust
I remember your hands gripped on my hips
But I don’t remember any sort of kiss
on my tear soaked lips

Too detached to put up any sort of fight
I lived a nightmare that i will never forget
Eyes stalking and my conscious mind taking flight
Then My body bent on the couch, dripped in sweat

I awoke, uncomfortable on that cheap little couch
And arose to join you sound asleep in your bed
But as I did so, you awoke to reach out
Commanding me to “Stay down there” as you shoved my head

I left that moment
Like a rejected creature not even worth your company
You felt shame and disgrace at my presence
And I became empty in my essence

Pain encompassed my being and made me mute
Until after months I  realized my self-destructive tendencies
Had a root

I know they say that time heals all wounds
but they fail to mention how or when your life will resume
It is a promise for an ending that you so badly want to believe
For a life beyond the past for which you grieve

I realize now that time isn’t some gracious healer; patient and kind
It doesn’t give a **** about the tears shed, innocence lost or souls left behind
Time keeps passing, that is all we can say fo sure
And in that simple truth, I found my cure

After months of wasting away in my own mind
I spoke my truth to a friend and was released from denial’s bind
For so long I fought my reality for the fear that it made me weak
But acceptance of my truth brought nothing but relief

It was I who said that it couldn’t be done
But you with a chuckle replied
That “maybe it couldn’t,” but we would be ones
      Who wouldn’t say so till we’d tried.
So I buckled right in with the trace of a grin
      On my face. Yes I worried, you saw it.
We started to sing as I tackled the thing
      That couldn’t be done, and I did it!

The rest of the world scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;
      At least no one ever has done it;”
But I shook off my doubt and glared at that prat
      And the first thing they knew I’d begun it.
With bit of self pride and my dad by my side
      Without any doubting or quiddit,
We started to sing as I tackled the thing
      That couldn’t be done, and I did it.

There are thousands that tell me it cannot be done,
      There are thousands to judge by my cover,
There are thousands remind me one by one,
      The failures I am soon to discover.
But I’ll smile right at them with a word of sarcasm;
      I’ll shake off their words and go to it;
You’ll just start to sing as I tackle the thing
      That “cannot be done,” and I’ll do it.

There’s a man that taught me this method to life

There’s a man that loves like no other

There’s a man that stands by me through all of my strife

Whether seas stay calm or get rougher


Now here’s the debut that father is you

You’ve shown me what a person should be

So I thank you for this and all that I’ve missed

And for loving a person like me

I was Led by a barefoot bridegroom.
down his blistering road that was surrounded
by a chaotic solitude
and filled,
as he desired,
with a taunting air
that turned to dust the moment I tried to breathe it.
Which was every moment
that I withered away
in his wasteland.

The sun was replaced with a celestial serpent
who scorched and scathed me
as if to scorn for sins
that even He, himself
could scarcely hiss.

And the earth was ice red and blood cold
Covered in cracks that grappled at my knees
and every step I took they took their toll
Still though,I begged to fall into their disease.
But they didn't want me.

So I, rejected and wretched
followed the barefoot bridegroom
On his way to his lovers lair
Which was some place between
here and serpent-knows-where.

Then,
In the distance then I saw her.
His perfect bride
Sitting gleefully atop my perfect terror.
She giggled at the swaying of the noose
And at the emotionless expression
of her blue and ****** muse
She smiled as she swung
Through the air that would need no longer
turn to dust for the heroine that hung:
My mother.
The woman who birthed my wretched soul
The woman who built a cathedral out of coal
The woman who paid the ultimate price
Not in money or in jewels,
But in sacrifice.

Look at me green eyes
WHy won't you let me see
You going insane behind the shields you blink
every time there is a moment of doubt in you
in that wonderfully sadistic mind that keeps me guessing
WHy not show me?
YOu evade my invasions with elusive practiced words
I want to know.
Don't keep me out, please?

YOU give me vague lines and scribbles
I know they will never complete your sketch
I will always try
no matter how much you shove me away

Don't pretend in front of me
I hate being fooled by the few I trust in
Won't you let me look at those green eyes?
Let me see and try to decipher,
before you arm the shields forever?
For God's Sake.
Look at me.

I know I am not as clever as you
I know you know I try
I know that i am fake
I know you know I lie

My insecurities you are blind to
You just assume I am fine
I hate caring, I truly do.
But like a brainless baby. I cry

I know I am not good enough
I know you think I am spoiled
I know I have no right to saddened feelings
I know at least you have that right

Why can you see right through me?
You simply deflect my spells
Why can't you see that its killing me,
The way you twist my mind.

But we are alike you know.
It's a saving grace that kills
Your joy and  sanity latch onto me
WHen together, we are one mind

One mind, with thoughts of a madman
I then feel renewed from my placid repertoire you scoff at
SO though you judge and know my fatal flaws, KNow this.
YOur sole and mine are the same, dark and wretched
Just like the two of us, together

I can’t be a part of them.
You say I can’t.
They go off and live with reckless abandon
My heart is there or was once
but you have beaten it out of me
You have scared my free spirit into over-thought, and not intelligence
I can’t stay here.
You say I am given everything
Fine. yes. I am
But then why am i never happy?
Shouldn’t I be an irresponsible child for once?
I know that you were once.
Isn’t that what now is for?
Let me make those mistakes you have made.
Is that not what growing is?
You.
You have made me lose myself.
I want to find that person again.
Some far off place where I am free to reinvent everything
I know I can do this.
I am sorry you don’t want me to leave...
But if i stay I will just see them
And you will say no.
I will see them living and see me watching and I don’t think that I can bare that.
I know that I can’t bare that.
That’s why I have to go.
Just for a short while okay?
To reclaim that courage that you have ripped from me.
To find me without them or you around setting standards for each different reality
I am ready.
It will all be okay. I promise.
Please?

Disappointed.
The only word ripping through my thoughts
Never Enough
Always reaching for someone else
Trying to change me
Trying to change my everything
and I comply.
but it is still not enough
Expectations grow as i change
Making happiness impossible...well their happiness
They are breaking me...emotionally, mentally
I whither away.
Hardly any of me shows through anymore
Careful no to let them see my weakness
For surely this is a fault as well...
Just another to add to the list of imperfections
I put on the mask
The smiling one that I know too well.
Of the pretty and happy girl in her perfect smiling world
Behind it I weep and sob
I am broken.
All truth i knew about myself is being crushed
Suspicion and mistrust enter their minds when I speak.
And I sit pouring over my thoughts
Attempting to make amends which just provide more ammunition for them.
But in the back of my soiled mind I know they are right not to trust.
I am poison
A toxic mind and deceitful soul
the good that was there, at one time, is gone.
Or perhaps out of view? or Reach?
It must be there
I pray that it is.
If not, I may as well be gone...
yes. Perhaps that will be better

There is this fella...
He smiles at me with those blue green eyes and sees my soul
And  when he touches me and my heart skips, knowing he is near
He is a fantasy that is true, a fairy tale made real
And yet he loves me.
He has the heart of a poet but the fire of a million suns
And with everything he says, I want him more
All of my thoughts that used to make me feel alone he understands
He knows me.
He makes me have a feeling of such freedom.
As if whatever we wish to happen, we can do, together
He is an adventurer
He takes my spirit and embraces it
When we are together, we are all that matters
Chasing life as children
Never with true purpose, but with sheer joy
He has my heart
It terrifies me, but I have no control
He can never possibly know what he means to mean
He has changed me.
I will never look at life as I did before him
He is embedded in my soul, at the very core of everything that I hold true
I love him.
There is nothing more to be said.
In every conceivable sense of the word I undoubtedly love him.
It is not an ephemeral state of being
Nor a mirage that is fleeting
What we have is what they speak of in old love stories
That promise that will withstand time
I could not imagine life without him
I dare not even try.
He is mine and I am his
And that is all that matters.
I love him
And I forever will.