Asked my daddy when I was thirteen
"Daddy, can you tell me what love really means?"
His eyes went glassy, not a word was said
He poured another beer and his face turned red

Asked my mother, she acted the same
She never looked up, she seemed so ashamed
Asked my teacher, he reached for the cane
He said don't mention that subject again

My big brother told me when I was fourteen
It's time I showed you what love really means
Girls like kissing and romance too
But a boy's got to know what a man's got to do

He gave me a book, the cover was plain
Written by a doctor with a German name
It had glossy pictures, serious stuff
I read it seven times, then I knew it well enough

I read it in a magazine
(Read about love)
Cosmo and Seventeen
(Read about love)
in the back of a Hustler, Hustler, Hustler

So now I know what makes girls sigh
And now I know why girls cry
So don't tell me I don't understand
What makes a woman and what makes a man
I've never been to heaven
But at least I've read about love

And now I've got you
(Read about love)
Where I want you
(Read about love)
I got you on my test bed, test bed, test bed

So why don't you moan and sigh?
And why do you sit there and cry?
I do everything I'm supposed to do
If something's wrong then it's must be you

Well, well, well
When I touch you there it's supposed to feel nice
That's what they said in the reader's advice
I've never been to heaven
But at least I've read about love

The BBC have a new weather girl,
Her hair is blond and her necklace... pearl,
She warns bearded fishermen about rough seas,
While I stand here with my boxers,
Around my knees.

THIS one told me
my life is in ghastly
shape
AFTER PULLING and
plying me with all manner
of tools
A SCULPTOR and his
muse
THE CREATOR of what
was otherwise mine
now abandoned
the artist is bored
he wipes his hands
of this
ONCE DECLARED done
he stands back from it
his singular and great
work
THIS ONE told me
what a disappointment
I've turned out to be
(THE GREAT artist
walks away from
me, now it's my
mess)
ALL of me undone
GOODBYE MY one
and truly handful of
none

In breath
(Out breath)
And again
And again
12,000 more times
until sweet sleep
Overtakes you
Death is stupid
Life is somewhat
smarter (or so
it is presumed)
Think about it-
what a chicken
missing its head
might be thinking
NOT MUCH

You darling
Me failed
Failed of all
grammar
Failed from
within
Oof oof
Me darling
You caveman
And I'm assailed-
You with your
tuxedo grin
and me with
my crinoline
(Dance dance
dance away
from him)
Away from
Averages that
Don't average
If you know what
I mean (darling
Death hurts less
than to take it
on the chin)

Your whole family stinks
Shopping for your dog is
so stressful you need therapy
Bears revel in their own clean
underpants but won't touch
the underpants of another
If you hug your dishwasher
and apologize for blaming it
for your lousy shopping choices
it's okay cuz there's a product
for that
If you feel like a worthless failure
due to the constant ads on TV
featuring successful people
giving cars away as gifts
it's okay cuz there's a gun
for that
If you wonder why you haven't yet
found yourself standing in a huge
empty room except for some Chevys
that pop out of nowhere and scare
the crap out of you remember:
Bears don't wear underpants
and their ***** are so clean
they Enjoy The Go and maybe
you should- GO, JUST GO