how can I make a translation
of these never before felt feelings
if their language I don’t possess
one of which mine ears
have never had a previliage
of previous precous encounter
and one which overwhelms so powerfully
mine eyes;  and my tongue but in realisaton
is powerless to pronounce
yet can do nothing else than confront them
these feelings, these feelings, oh these feelings
a painted mosiac of plasure and gulit
that leaves me in such a quandadry as I don’t know why
yet has me beliebve that the only thing  I trust
any longer is this very moment; the moment with him
where pure and untainted feeelings break upon me
as foamed waves upon a pebbled beach
where convention does disintigarte
in splintering bursts of Vulacn light
oh to be yet disintangled in my mind
to be detached, feeling each succeeeding thought
as it seperates itself from the centreal core of my mind
to examine them in the srange sub-lit detachement
where I find myelf now floating
there is no known languange for its expression
these feelings, these felings, these feelings
only Raleigh, only Raleigh, I hope

I went swimming today
Twice
Which is weird because
In the past 4 years
I have been in the ocean a total of 6 times
Even though I live
In a small ocean town
Where the beach is
A short walk away
I went in the water today
Even though I have always hated
Being wet and
Salty the feeling on my
Skin is so uncomfortable
I always detested it
I went in the water today
Because I hate the person I am
And I thought that if I changed
One small part about myself
The rest could follow
And maybe if I could learn to
Love the water
I could learn to
Love myself

There's this empty feeling deep inside
I feel in you I can confide
You were always there for me when I was in need
When I was with you I couldn't feel my heart bleed
Even though the pain and loneliness was still there
You showed me how to just not care
For so long now we have been apart
I'm feeling empty and that's just the start
Soon I'll feel the loneliness and the pain
I need you like flowers need rain
Sure we had our problems as most do
There were moments when I even hated you
It'll be different this time I know we can work
After all ever relationship has its quarks
So how about it, what do you say
I need you to drive the pain and loneliness away
Take my hand and don't let me go
It'll be our little secret no one will ever know

i woke up to a text from my mom this morning,
saying that she wanted to see me for my birthday...
that all she wanted
was a chance.
it has been almost six months
since i have seen her
let alone
talked to her
and i have spent all that time
hating her
for everything...
but hating her
tires me out.
i cannot hate anyone
for long
even after all she's done
to deserve it.

today...
is different.
i didn't smirk
at her text
brush it off
never reply
delete it
i actually responded.
told her
that'd be great
hell, i even
apologized
for missing her birthday
last month...

i can see her face
as she reads that text
i'm sure
she's crying
i know what the things i do and say
do to her
i lived with her
for eighteen years...
sixteen of which
were happy

i guess...
after all the unhappiness she has made
for herself
and for everyone around her
i can't deny her
one small shred of a smile
yes,
everything
all of it
was her fault
entirely
but every bit of hatred
afterwards
was MY fault.

mom...
i am
sorry.

aaahhh!
juggling three *****
in the air
three boy-shaped *****
which shall i drop?
ugh
they're all so
appealing
some
more than others
i like this last one...
hmm.

yesterday
i found out
my mom sold my dog
and chopped down the tree
that my brothers and sisters and i
spent our whole lives playing under.
my little sister
gave me a sawed chunk
of the Big Tree
to remember it by
everything in my life
is a sawed chunk
a ****** piece
of something bigger
that once was all mine
and whole
and perfect...
mom,
i'd rather have
the ******* tree

ugh
you have me
all up in this
trippy tangle
of impulses
thoughts
walks
you make me want to have ***
scream
touch you
you make me so
frustrated
every time you squeeze me
in a big hug
kiss my
forehead
you make me wish
you weren't such
a nice guy
i have some other things
on my mind
love me
roughly

...please?

I spent my last eleven dollars on a plastic bottle of ***** sitting on the refrigerator.

It is right next to the ibuprofen and the giant salad bowl.

Last night we drank our plastic bottle of ***** in glasses.

encloses all with
softened light:
exercise repetitions
as health advisory..
decisions on paths
taken and not..
regrets missed connections
weather limitations..
no shorthand LOLs
a throwback letter
to an earlier time
with instant delivery..
this best of both
old and new..
an ending with
affection..
an email of note...!