.

Footsteps stomping so hard they send shards of the tile floor flying into the air
Hitting you in the face, you just brush them off
You don't hear me
I am setting bombs off in your backyard
Throwing rocks and dirt threw your windows
You don not come to see the wreckage I have created
I am screaming into your ear till my voices is cracking
You still will not hear me
I am nails dragging on a chalk board making myself cringe
I am a fork dragging on a plate in a quite room
You do not take notice
I am a new borns cry in the middle of the night
I am the screeching tires of a motorcycle going full speed down residential streets

I have a headache
I can’t get out of this pain
You can’t get out of my head

I have a headache
I can’t shake you
I dont know if I want to shake you off

I have a heartache
For once its not my extra heart valves
It’s you, and the infatuation I have of you

I have a heartache
I see you but it seems like you see through me
I touch you but you don’t get the chills I do

My hands are searching
They desire to hold your hands
I need to pull you close to me and feel your warmth

My hands are searching
The want to run through your hair
I need to hold myself by you

My lips are waiting
Pulling me towards you
Waiting for you to grace me

My lips are waiting
Wanting you to nuzzle into my neck
Waiting to press into you

I love you more than 16 miles
I already told you that
Because even though its cheesy
I love you to the moon and back
I love you more than 23 minutes
Trust me I’ve traveled long trips
And I’ll travel longer for you
I’d travel half way across the country
And all they way back
Just to see you for five minutes
I want to send my love in baskets
But it would take years to send it all
I want to write out my love
But it would take epics to do it
I love you more
Than
Anything really
I love you so much I haven’t really been able to think about anything else
The dopamine has taken over my brain
And You’ve got me drugged
And I love you more than that
I love you more than the six months its going to take for me to legally drive to you
I love you more than a taxi fare
I love you more

-Im about-
I’m about spoken word on youtube
Split screen with my blog, writing in my journal
I’m about
Cold doctor pepper
Home made chicken noodle soup
And Netflix binges
Living on the edge with a facade of being 50 yards away from it
Stolen nights
Nicotine
And midnight adventures
I’m about making bad decisions
Just so I can write a good poem
Kissing destruction
While wrapping myself in a blanket of false security
I’m a ****** nose
And a series of broken knuckles
I’m about
Once can’t hurt
And twenty other first tries
I’ve got a mouth full of white lies
And trace amounts of guilt in my pocket
I’m claiming my stake on new lands
And exploring uncharted territories

Staring at blank pages
   I'm a writer
Words leaving me in my most desperate times I'm screaming
   I'm a writer
My identity can be summed up in three words, four syllables, nine letters
   I'm a writer
Sitting in my kitchen at two in the morning, pens and paper scattered everywhere
   I'm a writer
In a craft store grabbing blank note books, and three packs of pens
   I'm a writer
Even though I don't have anything noteworthy
   I'm. A. Writer.

You’ll never see how much I loved you
I was going to dye my hair brown
I stayed up crying three nights in a row
trying to let go of my bubble gum hair
But the next day
You told me you didn’t love me like you did yesterday
So I dyed my hair blue

I'll never be okay

I want to pour gasoline on my body
And set fire to my fingertips
Run my fingers through my hair
Watch it burn, and singe my scalp till I bleed
I want the fire to lick at my skin with an intensity no one has felt before
I want to scream everything I hate about myself
I want to stand on the tallest building there is on a windy day
Feel the wind ripping at my skin
I want to stand on the edge
I want to be the edge
I want to see all the people as I jump
I want to see the fear fade from my eyes in the reflection of the glass passing on the building
See all the people clear as I jump
I want to scream everything I’m sorry for
I want to tie a rope around my neck
See colour become more vibrant that I’ve never been able to see
A new colour scheme
Finally getting a new perspective
Till it all goes monochromatic
I want to set up a cocktail party
Garnish cocktails with pills instead of cherries
Drink them till I feel cobwebs on my arms

Love
A cliche four letter word
Yet
So is hate
But
How can I express
The love for you
Yet
Cover my hate for me

Is it weird that I know almost nothing about you but I have this deep feeling for you, and I don’t want to call it love because if I do I’m just exaggerating this infatuation. Maybe I could love you, if you let me in, I would open the door to my heart just a crack so you could get a peek. I would let my hands crawl on your shoulders and listen to your stories, feeling myself intertwine into you. But these are just the words a silly little girl is writing for you. This truly is the sophomore slump sitting awake at three in the morning thinking of a boy who’s words had so little meaning. But they made me think maybe you wanted to call me yours only to realize that would never happen. Infatuation can make us do stupid things. Stupid things like pour your heart out over and over, just to get graced by your rejection. Infatuation hurts your heart, and raises this person on a pedestal so high it touches the sun, only to make them look even more desired because they are so far away from what you can have. I’m tired of being the *** end of this cat and mouse game where I keep chasing you only to fine out you were just using a toy, making me such a tool for letting this infatuation make me think your so perfect when you must have your flaws but I lay awake and try to think of one and I can’t muster anything more than he doesn’t like me back. But you say for now friends. I have heard that before so many times. I’d rather have my heart ripped from my chest and feed to the wolfs instead of you playing with my mind, having me cut out my heart and hand it to you myself. I know nothing about you (insert name here) but I am so infatuated that I’m laying awake at three in the morning letting this fire dance over my skin, feeling his pain and knowing this isn’t just a nightmare, but reality. A scary reality filled with my silly little words.

My innocence hides from me like a child
Making me search for it
Slowly making me go wild
It makes me crazy
Sating nothing will faze me
But you do
You make make me scared
Pulling me from here to there
Pulling me from hell and back
You thrill me
You scare me
My innocence hide from me like a child
And now I’ve gone wild

I wanna sit in the back seat of a car with you
My legs on your lap
My back against the window
Your lips lingering on my neck
Telling me stories by mouthing words on my skin
Fingers pressed so hard into my skin
I expect you to leave bruises for the rest of my life
Sweat lightly beaded on our skin
My hair sticking to my shoulders
Your vest tightly wound between my fingers
I want you to play Flatsound
And tell me about your childhood
I want you to press your secrets into my skin
Till you engrave your story into me
I want you to stare at my flaws
Till you don’t hate me for them
I want you to scream everything you regret
Put your hand on my thigh
And tell me how you feel about me
Wrap your fist around my hair
Put your hand on my neck
Tell me what makes you hurt
Tell me what makes your soul burn

Your warmth
Put me
In a corner
I felt like
You had me
Against a wall
And I would have
Let you
Keep me
Warm
All over

Your warmth
Made me dizzy
Made me yours
I was Ready
To let you
Have me

Your warmth
Got me drunk
You
Got me
Intoxicated
From
The warmth
Of your hand

And now
I want all
Of you

I will give you
whatever
you want

You
intoxicate
me

Its A new year
And I still hate myself
Its a new year
And I still have mental illness
Its a new year
And I'm still an addict
Its a new year

*And I still love you

...To have my heart broken by you.

When ever you need to talk to people
They all disappear
But when they need you
Your all they see

But I am the moon
And you are the sun

*We shall never collide

JannaLee there is a reason your middle name is hope
you have been through a **** storm
and come out a shining diamond
you have been shoved down in the dirt
and come out a beam of hope
you have been hidden away in a locked closet
and come out a beautiful rainbow

Breathing
Your airy words now lack the conviction to make me listen 
Your flow-y hair no longer makes me worship you 
Your bubblegum lips may speak 
But you just say words 
There is no longer poetry in the curve of your hips 
Your hands no longer create art 
Your body language has gone extinct 
I used to write symphonies dedicated to you walking away from me 
I wrote sonnets about the warmth of your embrace chilled by your past 
Your eyes no longer no longer tell the world you love it
The voice you have no longer speaks poetically
Your breath used to manifest hope
But now it manifests into the background noise of an average high school girl
And this background noise seems to be on repeat
You used to put pure emotion on paper
But now its pure desperation
What happened to the girl who used to stop her feet screaming **** the system
Because all thats in front of me is a tip toeing girl afraid to make a sound
You used to cry out songs
But now your trying to bleed out a poison rooted in your veins
You are no longer powerful
Your head is no longer held high
When did you trade your best friend for abuse?
When did you trade poetry for drugs?
*When did you trade in your self?

For the past month I’ve been trying to write
About everything- from the way flower petals bend, and look so soft, why I’ve been feeling so depressed lately, even about how when I was a kid I played the flute
But none of it sticks, I can’t get passed stanza four
I’ve had this problem before
Where I can only describe a bending sky, but never can I get to the way it breaks.
But I swear I’ve been broken before
More broken than junk yard cars, and dropped glass bottles
And I’m still gluing myself back together, over and over
Getting spare parts to try to fix me
When this is all over my new skin will be composed of words written over centuries
And my edges will be a little rough
Covered with a bit of rust
But who isn’t
My best friend is a mess of parts that don’t quite fit together right
But she makes me strong, and when I break down she will take herself apart to fix me
And that’s something we all need
When I was little and I still played the flute
I dyed my hair green for the first time
Going to music class for the second time, my teacher no longer recognized me
And back then I didn’t carry around an arsenal of defense mechanisms
And when I was told I looked like a boy, I pretended that I wasn’t getting chipped away at
That's probably why I will never enjoy band, and I can’t look into the eyes of a music teacher
Every middle school poem was brought back to red roses and flowers
And how your hand was softer than a newly budding flower petal
In all reality that’s why I don’t about flowers anymore
And I’ve been so depressed lately because I can’t write
But I guess junk yard cars and broken bottles can’t write either

If I kiss you
Will you let me?

listen to me
the girl
  who's tried
   to end it all
    four times
     its not worth is
      to wake up
       it a hospital bed
        not able to breath on your own
         its not worth it
          to lift up
           your skirt
            and see
             the cut
              that truly
               almost end you
                i thank whatever
                 was looking over me
                   because if
                    no one was there
i wouldn't be here either

Listen to my cries
Listen to my silence
Listen to the cuts
Listen to the blood
Listen to the scars
Listen to the razor
Listen to my poems

Docter Pepper
- Barbie marathons
- Micro-wave Pizza's
- The cold ravioli you hated
That unfinnished basement was like a home...
- The crawl space under your bed
- The sims
- Doctor Phil
- Mansy ***** bands
- Plans for Highschool
     - And Warped Tour
Crying was okay...
- Pepsi
- Locking me out of my I-pod
-Sharing weird two A.M. thoughts
- Panic attacks
- Dumb boys
And I bet gullible is still on the celling.

*Remember that moment when everything was perfect?

Forever
Sitting
Alone
Missing
The nights
When
I couldn't
Stop talking
To people
But now
Its just me
Alone
To think
*About how much you don't think of me

Smoke hanging in the air
The feeling of falling is not fair
Lisping out my empty thoughts
In the form of shots
Poured out one after another
Drunk off of you
I’m intoxicated by your presence
But your love is not present
I once thought I was falling for you
But I was just falling for your lies
I was in love with those eyes
But they were just a disguise
Hiding the real you
You’re the masked bandit
Covered with lies, but all I want is truth
I want to know the real you
I want to really love you
Feeling this mutual feeling
With no mutual ground
My razor kissing my skin
Instead of your lips
I never thought falling in love
Would mean falling out
I never thought kisses
would turn into stitches
I guess thats what happens when
You get love drunk

I will call you lover
Because thats all you are

Your voice gives me a stutter
I have to m-m-mutter
Every insecurity
Every truth
Every feeling
Every lie

Your voice takes my breath
I have to write  
About the butterflies
The shaking
The falling
The m-m-melting

Your voice gives me shivers
Running down my spine
As your hand sends water-fall sensations down my back
I clutch my own skin to try to stay in myself
and
      I am
               m
                   e
                      l
                          t
                             i
                                n
                                    g

Momma smokes ***
Code word laundry
When I was a little girl I always wondered why my clothes smelled funny
I would walk up behind her, and wonder why she was smoking bad smelling cigarettes and she would hid them in shame
And I would go to my room and cry
Thinking my momma would get cancer
Now I think thats kind of ironic
Because one its ***
And two she raised a daughter who thought drugs were terrible
And three I probably have cancer from how many cigarettes I smoke

I went outside and looked at the moon
Saw its cold shimmer in the night
The far far away moon
The full moon
All its glory
taking up the sky
And all I could think of
Was you

My breath is leaving my body, leaving an empty space for the hurt to occupy
This hurt
This pain
Oh my god I have so much pain
There is so much I'm breathing it in
There is so much its over coming my body, and the smoke I use to mask it isn't thick enough any more
It's fading away like me
And maybe you'll be able to see
I love you

You made me fear myself
You made me do things I would have never wanted to do
I told everyone so I could get a bit of relief from them think I was so cool
But it only made me want to cry for myself even more
I didn't know how bad this was till the cops showed up at my door with your name lingering on their tongues
Tainting the room with the essences of my fear mixed with my infatuation
It made a bittersweet fog for me to fumble through, a bittersweet unknowing fog
I didn't know how bad this was till they made me take my shirt and pants off to show them bruises in the shape of you
When they took off my ribbons stained with an ink held in vein
Showing your name, more permanent than a tattoo
The scars still haunt me, making me flinch every time I change
I didn't realize what this fear could do to me
Slowly letting the cops drag bits and pieces of you from me
The pieces that I held close to my heart
The pieces that had left tears and wounds on me
Not quite able to see what you, my fear of you had done
I was barely able to see how big of a mistake I made for you
I did all of this out of my fear of you
My fear making me think I loved you
Fear did this to me
Oh fear, it drives me
It drove me to this
My fear of you
It drove me to this
You drove me to this
Or maybe I feared not you, but no you
Oh the fear I have of you, Its so terrifying
terrifying myself that at my youngest of thirty, or at my oldest forty five
You'll come and get me
Get me and not let me go
I smell you surrounding me
The first three months it comforted me
Now it sends me into a panic
I can feel you slowly pulling away my innocence
So slow and thrilling at first
Harsh and cruel as it goes
Slowly realizing there is no more to pull away
No more innocence
Only raw ***** skin
***** skin, so fragile, it could tear away any moment
The pain you give me
Now received by your claws ripping down drawing blood I've never spoken of
Your teeth leaving scars only seen by me
Time like that left untold, they built a dam of stories
It has leaks and holes, threatening to break open
It has me threatening to tell about the three days in November when you did more to me than I ever wanted
You ignored my whimpers and pleads of no
You pushed me, Making me yours
Making me your two cent *****
I still fear waking in your house wanting to leave but my fear keeping me rooted to the spot
Your touch making me a puppet for your use
A rag doll for your pleasure
Fear is such a simple word but the way it drives us is a complicated *******
A ******* that won't let us out of this metaphorical car
How was my fear able to shape me into this whimpering being afraid of the dark
Afraid of my monster
Afraid of my monster that made me a woman before I was even ready to be a girl
I have an immense fear of you
Fear that I will never be able to shake you
That you will always be around that corner ready to get me
My fear drives my more recklessly than an alcoholic at happy hour
It drives me to think that I was the one who did wrong
It drives me to dark places
Places where my fear pushes
Pushes me to my inevitable demise
My demise sending me down to hell
Sending me to have an eternity with you taunting me
You have shaped me into something no one should ever have to be
I throw myself into trying to forget you only to receive more shame
The shame of waking up tangled in sheets not able to find my shoes
You created me
I am afraid of a two headed monster
This monster is you and the me you created
I fear you
I fear no you
I fear having you
There is no balance to my insanity for you
The insanity you inspired
I am being driven by a simple emotion, turned oh so complicated
I am being driven and I can’t get out of this metaphorical car
I can’t get you out of my head

Kisses on the nape of my neck
Tight hugs from behind
Arms cradling my waist
Warm breath melting away the frost on my heart

I didn't think a puppy love would ever feel so good
I never thought "I love you" would ever come this easily

Pressing your hand on my ribcage
Light bites on my lips
Smirking at the low moans escaping my mouth
Our lungs breathing the same breath

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes
But I’ve got no rhythm tip toe around the precision of other writers  
I get lost easily in the waves of patterns and structure
Rupture my skin in the process
Destroying words and phrases in the mess of my skin and blood
Dragging myself through the mud I am a jumble of words that don’t even fit together in sentences
My types of fetish’s aren’t feet or latex, but poetry
Supposedly everyone can rhyme but
My fingers can find the time from the space between pen and paper
Maybe if i cover my room in wallpaper made from failed poems
I’ll finally get there
Rip out all my hair
I’ve never successfully written rhyme worth sharing
I’ve been in this despairing state for a while
Ran miles on my tongue  
Wrung myself dry from all my creativity
Found I have a bigotry towards everything I write

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes
I ask for an example
Sample sounds on paper
Ending up with ample amounts of couplets
But its never enough, its always going to fall short
Someone needs to take me to court I’m copying the sound of other writers
Profound thoughts never said eloquently enough
It’s rough to be a writer that doesn’t know how to write
But I’ve never been the type to give up
Cover up all my failed attempts at rhyming with free-verse
Curse me, Or even worse
Coerce me into thinking I know what I’m doing
Because whats worse than blissful ignorance
Hand my a fistful of advice and set me free
But I’ll never be the girl who rhymes rhymes
My fingers will never find the time lost between pen and paper

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes
Sometimes they nearly get their wish
But all dreams parish in jumbles of words in phrases
Blaze through whole journals trying to write two poems
Crumbling my own thoughts in my too fast thought process

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes
I still with pencil and paper
Set out on this caper
With a website that gives me words that rhyme
I’ve decided to let people get their fix
Try my hand at rhymes
Take my time
And slow down my too fast thought process
Soak up all my creativity
A rid my mind of every bigotry I ever had
Because the girl who rhymes
Will always be the girl who rhymes

Thats how everything starts
Brand new
And this new thing
Making me happy

Cut me down with my knife
Burn me with my lighter
Strip off everything thats me
Try to make me a perfect little you
Well guess what
perfect
isnt real
Another thing
I'm not you
SO stop trying to live vicariously through me
"mother"

I know
I'm a turn off
To you
And I may not
Be perfect
I know I'm not
But I wanna
Be yours

I swear to god, I have the lock to open up your locked heart.

Every time I see your face, my heart beats faster.

I fell in love with you, it happened so fast, now I'm face down crying.

Holding your hand, was the best thing to ever happen to me so far.

I'm allergic to dogs, but I keep three because I love them, maybe thats why I still put up with you.

I'm going to kiss you, maybe you'll know then.

How can I be in love with a boy that looks at his phone more than me.

The string going through my backpack, is the one I will end up killing me.

I'm risking my freedom, for your kiss.

and we sat on the couch together. He wrapped his arm around me, kissing my cheek. I stared into his eyes for what seemed to last years, but in reality it was mere seconds.  
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him about how I had loved him since the first time he had ever touched me, the first time his hand had brushed mine. I wanted to tell him that his arm around me was more comforting than being in my own bed at home. Everyday was a gift being with him, and I wanted to know how I got so lucky. His arm moving interrupted my thoughts as he pulled me closer.
“Ellie you know I love you right,” His voice was so smooth, it ran over my whole body, I felt like I was under a waterfall, and ‘I love you’ was pouring down my body. His eager eyes looked like they were searching for a response, and answer, an ‘I love you back’, but my mouth couldn’t form a word. My brain couldn’t even form a solid thought. The words I wanted to hear caught me so off guard.
“You don’t have to say it back, I just needed to say it. I’ve felt like this for so long, I’ve wanted to say that since the day I met you, but I had to wait till it was perfect. This seems perfect to me, but everyday really seems perfect when I’m with you,” his smile right now was most likely the dorkiest thing I’d ever seen. I felt my face get warmer and warmer, and I knew I was probably tomato red.
“I-,” I couldn’t form a word, I couldn’t speak. My tongue was twisted, and I was too busy just staring at his face. The slight upwards slant of his nose, the few strands of his sandalwood hair in front of his rich coffee eyes. His hand firmly planted on my shoulder. I pressed my head into his shoulder, his arm wrapped around me tightly.
“I love you,” I said, the sound muffled by his jacket. I felt my face growing warmer, I could tell I was blushing. I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close to him, his jackets zipper scratching my ear. He pulled away from me, and looked into my eyes just staring at me.
“I want this moment to last forever, I want to freeze time with us here, together,” He looked to eager.
“I don’t want this to last forever,” He suddenly looked hurt, “I want to spend years with you, I want to wake up next to you, I want to make breakfast with you,” His smile started growing again,” I want to get a cat with you, and name it something stupid, like captain meow meow, I want to sit up together at midnight and write things for you while you read them,” I felt out of breath, he looked so happy.
“Captain meow meow,” He was giggling like a little kid, I knew that I was utterly and completely in love with him.
“Captain meow meow,” I said back to him, burying my face into his chest.