You shouldn’t be on my mind
Dear god It’s nearly nine after three
I’m holding this blade
Thinking of what fate
Will decide
One more slice
To help end this vice
I’m thinking of you
I colour me you

My arms cry red
Through narrow slits
It's the most genuine type of cry
Only the ones that feel the need to die
Truly know how to cry this cry
Red tears
stream down
covering me

Im working on convincing myself I don’t like you
And
Its
Not
Working

Luv, when you left
You took my ability to breath.

Darling, you are the moon, and I am the tide.

You
Are
The
Hurricane
That
Finally
Broke
Everything
About
Me

1,2,3
Breath
I can’t pull my head from under water

1,2,3
Inhale
1,2,3
exhale

No one told me what to do when I can’t breath
I can’t breath
Breath
breath

1,2,3

One -Breath- Two -Breath- Three -Breath- Four -Breath-
One time was too many
And certainly too early because in February I would have been 13 for less than half a year
To early for me to be photographed by police that referred to me as the victim rather than a survivor
Or much less my name
-Breath-
Two was not as bad as it could have been
It was just a dark room with my mouth filled with someone elses yes rather than air
I’m just glad someone walked in when they did
-Breath-
Three was scary
Because its scary to wake up still drunk screaming no,
Your whole body shaking to a rhythm someone has trapped you in
He bragged to his friends that he kept me screaming all night
-Breath-
Four was an accident that I could have prevented by keeping myself in a safe situation
But why should I have to decide not to have fun so someone won’t take advantage of my high
I remember saying no
-Breath-
And a quiet no should be just as powerful as a screamed no but it seems that
These four men didn’t have an understanding of the word
I say men, not boys because not a single one of these “men” were 18 or younger
What made them decide my body was their property
Did one know that
He would affect me for the rest of my life?
He was the first boy I “fell in love with”
I have always tried to convince myself that there was some good in him
Did two know that he would make me scared to be alone in a room with another boy
Scared that having the lights off made my no invalid
Did three know that he would make me wary of playing drinking games with friends
Scared that there was no safety in the home of someone I knew, my neighbor
Did four know that he would ruin my trust of going over to a boys house
I thought he was a nice boy, he worked at the grocery store and had seen me shopping with my mother
I had told people where I was going, I just wanted to watch a movie
But before the main character was even introduced his hand was unzipping my dignity
I said no
But I guess they learned to never take no for an answer

One best friend is needed
*Will pay in long night phone calls
Endless sleep over
Unbroken promises
Coming over at three a.m. with ice cream
Talking trash on stupid boys
Crying all night
Sharing hopes and dreams

One broken battered bruised heart for sale
In need of a good person
Needs to be healed
May have a bit of problem
With trust
And love
**Please just take it from me

Being afraid, It *****. But everyone, whether or not they admit it, is afraid to some extent.

Galaxies don’t really overlap all that often
But for us, they did
Even though the flying debris from their collision created a blackhole
The stars shone even brighter
And in that metaphor I’m referring to social groups
And a star crossed couple
And a vindictive ex-girlfriend
You see we made it against the odds
Your friends have always made fun of my friends
Cause my friend spend all of their time on Tumblr, and going to ****** concerts
And My friends make fun of yours for never giving us a chance
And your ex, makes fun of both of our friends because she doesn’t know the phrase “let it go”

It's sad
When the boy you like
His best friend
wants you guys
to be together
almost as much
as you do

We were alone. Again.
Even though he didn’t know it. I was with him, sitting in his closet, he never came in here so I never had to worry. Watching him sit so peaceful, he hummed, so serene. He flipped his hair back, humming, watching him, I knew we were meant to be. I felt his old shirts rubbing them between my fingers, smelling him. I leaned down and slipped off my shoes, putting on his shoes, a perfect fit. I grabbed a sock and put it in my pocket for later.
“Hello?”
A voice. Beautiful and deep, came from outside the closet. His voice, I was almost lost in it’s stupor. He was coming to take me, I just knew it. I jumped out of his closet, almost breaking the hinges, softly and lovingly I said, “I’ve been waiting for you all night”.
I pulled the knife and rope out of my pocket, being careful to keep his sock. He backed away, I didn’t understand, I just wanted him to love me.
Why doesn’t he see this is the only way we can be together? The only way we can be happy. Nearing him I spoke softly and gently. “We will finally be together”
Slitting his wrist, he gasped in pain, crumpling on the floor. Another slice and he lay so quiet. I sliced open my arm long ways, feeling my blood spill all over myself and him, I lay by him, and we were alone again.

I said I was afraid to cross the road
You held my hand so tight
You rapped your arm around me
And took my hand in yours
You looked me in the eye and said you’d never let anything bad happen
And you held me close
and we ran across the street
We didn’t stop running till we were in a back ally
And you kissed me
It may have been because we we're high
But I let you

You touched my hair
And called me beautiful
I told you I was afraid to get hurt
And you told me not to worry
So I closed my eyes and let you
Explore me again
You touched every insecurity and kissed it
Trying to make me see how beautiful I was to you

We went to catch up with your best friend
And my sister
And we sat sitting face to face
And you kissed me
And even though my mom came to get me
You whispered what you wanted
And I silently screamed I love you as I drove away

You had made me feel as if I had galaxies in my veins
Stars in my eyes
As if the wind was me
You made me feel like everything
with a tight grip of a hand
A soft touch on my hair
And now I can only Imagine that now that I’m not in your sight
I might be a stray thought in your mind
And maybe you’ll hold my hand and we can cross the road again

Today I found the definition of apathy in you, dear.

I feel pain
on my hips
they are a canvas
to my blade
making art
art that will be my
mark on your heart
Leaving scars
Just like the ones
drawn on my
skin

Baby I miss you
I miss you
When you were still okay
Well I guess I never knew you when you were okay

How do I tell you
How perfect you seem?
How do I tell you
How amazing you are?
How do I tell you
What you mean to me?
How do I tell you
What the sight of you does to me?
You are the reason my heart flutters and flits
You are the reason my hands shake and my voice quits
So my one question for you is this
Will you be my date to WPA?

I have been aquatinted with the bad
Wearing low cut shirts to show the world
Short skirts, giving more than a stripper
I have skipped school to steal hearts
I have hurt many
Only to pity myself
I have tried to drown the pain
I found myself at the bottom of every bottle
and then some
I have walked lonely halls
trying to avoid the all knowing teachers eyes
But
I have let my self
Become aquatinted with the bad

The first time I hugged you your skin was like the down on a baby duck
I could have spent hours stroking the palm of your hand with my thumb
It was soft and warm
Like a new spring leaf
But now every bare skin hug is marred with your skin
Rougher than tree bark
Every line on you, I can see the pain you have endured through the years
In your youth you are so old
Holding your hands now, it has lost its spark
Your hands are colder than any winter I’ve lived through
Your hands
Are now almost just bone
Thats probably because you have only grown taller, no wider, since seventh grade
Even the beautiful cherry smile you had
Its is now lost in the wind like the last crumbling winter leaf

Listening to ***** rap in class
Staring into the depth of my screen
Fast pace words and faster beats
Backdrop of rhythm making my feet tap
A swath of warm words wrapping me up off my feet

blades
are
stuck
in
my
skin
and
all
I
can
say
Is
I'm
sorry

Whatever your name was
Thats what they called you
You had some tattoo on the back of your neck
It was a star and some roses I think
I gave you forty dollars
and you gave me alcohol
You got me drunk
I poured a cup and mixed it up
and drank till I was spinning
on the tip of your tongue and you were thirty miles away when we were thirty centimeters apart
And you did not flinch when I accidentally burned you with my smoke
You just smiled
and I took a shot of your ***
And I chugged the rest of you beer
You left me faster than I could come down
and All I Want Is Bones?

Alex in second grade was sharing cookies and kisses on cheeks
Jacob was fourth through sixth grade, he was holding my hand soft and calling me by my new name "girlfriend"
Cory was summer, swimming pool, stolen kisses, and a new name "sweetie"
David was seventh grade, english class, whispers and giggles, passing notes
Austin was dancing, he was crying, he was soft kisses and the playground
Eighth grade was Grant, he was a week, he was promises that were never kept
Cody was the spring, he was new, he was old, he was out of school, and he gave me a new name "sweet ***"
Zack was summer, he was the begging of school, he was skipping, he was the one with his hand up my skirt
Anthony was a secret, he was ***, he was pushing and pulling, he was bruises
Caleb was innocent, he was steamy he was passion, he was long days, and short nights
Danny was the mall, late night facetime and long talks
Dallas was hard cold raw *******
And you
are
new

I broke
I found a way
To break
Almost every promise I have made
In a matter of a day
I managed
To
Get
So
Messed
Up
My arms
Are red
And my
Thighs are raw
I’m laying back
Letting my pain
Melt away
Waking up
With a bad headache
And
A
Bad
Pain
All
Over

Believe me its easier this way
Useless, thats what I am
Lies pour out of my mouth
I’m sorry you got dragged into this
My knuckles are red and scared for a reason
I love you
And I’m sorry

Bet you
Everyone
Loves seeing me
Like this
Am I right?

..I'm not saying I love you yet

Can a girl
     Who hates herself
          Love another
               No?
Or do you think so?
     Am I capable of wrapping my arms around you
          And whispering sweet nothings?
               Or maybe I can only do that with my razors
Maybe thats how I show love
     The deeper the cuts
          The deeper the love

I can’t cope with my “dad”
Screaming at my mom
I can’t cope with my mom
Crying in the corner like she’s five
Crying like she lost a part of her self
Because she a part of herself when she married you
I can’t cope with living
With hiding my bruises
Scars
Scratches
I can’t live like this anymore

I was afraid to put that next cigarette to my lips
For fear of washing away that lingering taste
It wasn’t the 7000 chemicals from the smoke
It wasn’t the 70 some cancer causing agents
It wasn’t the carbon monoxide, nicotine, tar, arsenic, ammonia, freon, cyanide, or the acetone
No it was you
It was the lingering taste of you
and your cherry red lips
It was the taste from where your lips pressed on mine
Completing my puzzle
That taste I’ve been chasing since the tenth month twenty first day of seventh grade
And if you add ten and twenty one you get thirty one
And if you flip that you get thirteen
Thats how old I was when I first kissed you
It had been a dare
And back then my ****** lips
Did not know about poison
My christian lips
Did not know how addicting you were
My collar bones were unexplored land discovered by your wondering hands
My chest was a new world after you
And now standing here
Standing still
Watching you walk away
I put the next cigarette to my lips
And try to chain smoke my way over you

Chronically
The bullies
Chose the victims
The innocent
Or not so innocent
The ones who need more protection
The ones, needing more care
The fragile beings, with big eyes
Never-ending hearts
Turning into cold unforgiving creators
Walls built up
And the tears stay in
Drowning themselves
Till they are dead inside
Dead inside
A hollow shell

I feel like the coffee ring on your paper
The water spill on your essay
The wine stain on your counter
The things that you wish were gone
But stain
I feel like I stain you
Bringing you down
Your hands try to proclaim your love
You face tries to express it
But I can’t feel it
I feel the hatred I feel like I deserve
The cold of being alone in my mind
I feel like the coffee ring on your paper
So tell me, am I?

If eyes are the window to your soul
Mine must be curtained
Mine must be hidden behind these tears
Because if you knew what is happening
Inside
If you knew how my demons kept trapping me
If you knew about my finger nails scratching me
If you knew how I try to keep hiding me
If eyes are the window
Mine must be locked, shut, closed tight
Boarded, Two by fours nailed
Curtaining my tormented soul
If you knew my pain
I f you knew How much hatred I gain
You would know Why I've lain
The blade and my skin
Letting the balled of my sadness pour out in red notes
If eyes truly are a window
mine are Curtained

You see
Your cuss words no longer have an effect on me
You can call me a *****
A *****
A two faced ****
A **** up
And I will smile and say thank you
Because if you really wanna hit me hard
Tell me I won’t get a full ride to my dream college
The only ride I’ll get will be with you later that night
If you wanna get a rise out of me
Tell me my poetry will fall on deaf ears
That all of these cheers are false hope
Tell me my cousin will grow up with an eating disorder
And won’t trust me enough to help her
Tell me my cats will run away from me
Tell me the only way I will get nice clothes is by stealing
Tell me I will never be able to pay everyone back
If you want to hit me hard
Tell me I will be a terrible mother
Tell me my children will fail out of school
Tell me their father will leave and never pay a dime of child support
If you want to get me good
Use your tongue like a razor
And cut deep
Find meaning in your words
and hit me harder
Because your cuss words no longer have meaning

Sitting here
Let me disappear
Let me become the dirt on your shoes
You said to me
We were the flowers and the bees
And now I’m dying without you
Withering with to much emotion
Yet you won’t look at me
I was once ‘you’re precious daisy’
But now I’m left here dying
Dying and crying
Without you
Sitting here
Let me disappear
No longer a problem

easons to date me?
Because I may not have the highest self-esteem but
I can tell you what great things make me great for you
Like the big sweaters I always wear
They make me warm so I won’t steal your sweater
(Unless I’m really cold then I might still steal it)
I wear leggings and stuff so you can see my cute ****
I don’t care if you’re busy, you don’t need to be with me 24/7
My hair is really soft
So when we cuddle you get to put your head on my soft hair
I’m super duper cute sometimes
I’ll love you tons
I’m a writer so I’ll write and write and write and write for you
I like animals
I’m super nice and stuff
I love Huggies and cuddles
I can be really clingy
But you can tell me to stop and I won’t get upset
I love movies
All movies
Any movies
Lets go watch a movie together

I see you in my photos
There you are in my videos
You haunt me
Looking at you is captivating
I know you not
I make up your story
I make up the reason for the small scar on your face
I see you in my photos
There you are in my videos
Haunting my imagination

Dear tenderfoot, Don’t hurt yourself here
I am the jagged edges you will no doubtedly cut yourself on
Soft hands grabbing me in the night
Take me for a ride, and just drive
Simple sweet sin in the depths of your shallow soul
Fingers tied into yours
Pull me apart at the seems in the thick waves of your chestnut hair
Dear tenderfoot, you haven't earned your name yet so I will not say it
Late night texts turn the wheels in my mind till turning pages with stanza written acrostically for you
You see you are a lot like the paper in the journal I write in
You tear easy
My dear, I am the pen, I can tear through you with my inked words alone
You see, lovely tenderfoot
You are soft and gentle like a chaser
And I have a ***** personality
You are a teddy bear in the talons of a hawk I call my poetry
But you will stay intaced
For now
The hawk will do you no harm
My inked words will not permeate your skin
And frankly I’d like a chaser like you to dilute the punch of my personality
so my lovely tenderfoot
Are you ready to become words on a page
With a star crossed lovers theme?
Or are you ready to give up all these dreams
And drive away with all my metaphors

your
spinning blue dress
twirling the tip of your needle point heels
on my hands
pricking my finger tips
drawing the red rain you dance in
melding the blue, to
purple
spinning the split hairs of my insecurities
around my arms
binding me
closer to you

What was once a hushed shamed topic
Is now a fashion trend
What was once a shamed thing
Is now the norm
What was once unwanted
Is now all we crave

Dont tell me you like me when it's obvious you dont
Dont act so sweet when there is a screen between us
Dont tell me Im beautiful when you never look at me
Ive been pouring my heart out to you and all I get is ok
But its not
Its not okay
Im not okay we are not okay
Its not okay that my friends are telling me to leave you
Its not okay that every time I see you my heart breaks a little more
Its not okay that I have to write this out so I can get it all out and not hide this and that behind my curtain

Don’t become infatuated
Don’t fall in love
Especially not with poets
Because they only ever exist in their words
They will write you love poems, and lengthy paragraphs
With words said in ways you have never heard before
You will fall in love, with love poems, the way they say their vowels, and the look in their eyes when they read to you  
They will lull you to sleep with sticky sweet words
And they will speak of the colour yellow, in a new light
A new meaning will come to its definition
And it will slowly become your favorite colour
You will wear yellow dresses, and put daisies in every room  
You will see the speckles of yellow in their brown eyes
But you will find them at three in the morning sitting in the bath tub, bathing in the words of metaphors
You will find them having an affair with Stanzas and Verses at the same time, sleeping with sonnets
You will see that poetry was always their mistress
At night they will no longer share blankets with you, but they will wrap themselves in ballads and couplets
You will only be able to express this new distance with eulogies
You will start seeing yellow everywhere
In the beds of your nails, and them hems of your skirts
Till you start seeing it so often that you will want to puke up every word they have ever said to you
You will realize that talk is cheap and Rhymes are easy
You will realize that poets only ever exist in their words

Wait I.. I take that back
Fall in love with oddly pronounced vowels, love poems, lengthy paragraphs, and sparking eyes
Wear yellow dresses again
Pick a bouquet of daisies
Fall in love with 2 a.m. again
But not with just anyones 2 a.m.
Fall in love with yours
Get swept up in the arms of personification
Drink sticky sweet words, get drunk off yourself
Have a love affair with stanzas
Kiss verses on the lip
Wrap up your wounded parts with haikus
Become infatuated with metaphors
Whisper sweet nothings to yourself
Fill your nights with praise poems
And love songs
Tear up every eulogy you have ever written
Knit yourself a blanket from all the unfinished poems, all your couplets
Sing ballads to yourself
And write sonnets in the moonlight
Fall in love with rich words and complex rhymes
Don’t worry about falling out of love this time

Desperately

Trying

to

not

fall


in


love


With



You

Don’t become infatuated
Don’t fall in love
Especially not with poets
Because they only ever exist in their words
They will write you love poems, and lengthy paragraphs
With words said in ways you have never heard before
You will fall in love, with love poems, the way they say their vowels, and the look in their eyes when they read to you  
They will lull you to sleep with sticky sweet words
And they will speak of the colour yellow, in a new light
A new meaning will come to its definition
And it will slowly become your favorite colour
You will wear yellow dresses, and put daisies in every room  
You will see the speckles of yellow in their brown eyes
But you will find them at three in the morning sitting in the bath tub, bathing in the words of metaphors
You will find them having an affair with Stanzas and Verses at the same time, sleeping with sonnets
You will see that poetry was always their mistress
At night they will no longer share blankets with you, but they will wrap themselves in ballads and couplets
You will only be able to express this new distance with eulogies
You will start seeing yellow everywhere
In the beds of your nails, and them hems of your skirts
Till you start seeing it so often that you will want to puke up every word they have ever said to you
You will realize that talk is cheap and Rhymes are easy
You will realize that poets only ever exist in their words

When you know All I want is to be your baby