We were alone. Again.
Even though he didn’t know it. I was with him, sitting in his closet, he never came in here so I never had to worry. Watching him sit so peaceful, he hummed, so serene. He flipped his hair back, humming, watching him, I knew we were meant to be. I felt his old shirts rubbing them between my fingers, smelling him. I leaned down and slipped off my shoes, putting on his shoes, a perfect fit. I grabbed a sock and put it in my pocket for later.
“Hello?”
A voice. Beautiful and deep, came from outside the closet. His voice, I was almost lost in it’s stupor. He was coming to take me, I just knew it. I jumped out of his closet, almost breaking the hinges, softly and lovingly I said, “I’ve been waiting for you all night”.
I pulled the knife and rope out of my pocket, being careful to keep his sock. He backed away, I didn’t understand, I just wanted him to love me.
Why doesn’t he see this is the only way we can be together? The only way we can be happy. Nearing him I spoke softly and gently. “We will finally be together”
Slitting his wrist, he gasped in pain, crumpling on the floor. Another slice and he lay so quiet. I sliced open my arm long ways, feeling my blood spill all over myself and him, I lay by him, and we were alone again.

Smoke hanging in the air
The feeling of falling is not fair
Lisping out my empty thoughts
In the form of shots
Poured out one after another
Drunk off of you
I’m intoxicated by your presence
But your love is not present
I once thought I was falling for you
But I was just falling for your lies
I was in love with those eyes
But they were just a disguise
Hiding the real you
You’re the masked bandit
Covered with lies, but all I want is truth
I want to know the real you
I want to really love you
Feeling this mutual feeling
With no mutual ground
My razor kissing my skin
Instead of your lips
I never thought falling in love
Would mean falling out
I never thought kisses
would turn into stitches
I guess thats what happens when
You get love drunk

Listen to my cries
Listen to my silence
Listen to the cuts
Listen to the blood
Listen to the scars
Listen to the razor
Listen to my poems

I’m waiting to write a good piece
I’m waiting to write something amazing
I’m waiting to write a piece to touch your heart
I’m waiting to write a piece that will be something amazing
I’m waiting to write a piece that will be forever remembered
Or maybe just temporarily glorified

Its so mainstream to not be mainstream
I mean, look at me
We’re all unique in our own unique way!
Something we’ve been taught since first grade…
Don’t judge a book by a cover!
Something we’ve been doing since first grade…
We are all just a line of clichés
And labels
Cookie cutter images
Thinking we’re “So outside of the box!”
When its just an even bigger box on the outside
Its so cliché
To be cliché
To not be cliché
We are trying to create new
But everything has been done

JannaLee there is a reason your middle name is hope
you have been through a **** storm
and come out a shining diamond
you have been shoved down in the dirt
and come out a beam of hope
you have been hidden away in a locked closet
and come out a beautiful rainbow

Believe me its easier this way
Useless, thats what I am
Lies pour out of my mouth
I’m sorry you got dragged into this
My knuckles are red and scared for a reason
I love you
And I’m sorry

Bet you
Everyone
Loves seeing me
Like this
Am I right?

Im working on convincing myself I don’t like you
And
Its
Not
Working

I'll never be okay

I can’t cope with my “dad”
Screaming at my mom
I can’t cope with my mom
Crying in the corner like she’s five
Crying like she lost a part of her self
Because she a part of herself when she married you
I can’t cope with living
With hiding my bruises
Scars
Scratches
I can’t live like this anymore

I was afraid to put that next cigarette to my lips
For fear of washing away that lingering taste
It wasn’t the 7000 chemicals from the smoke
It wasn’t the 70 some cancer causing agents
It wasn’t the carbon monoxide, nicotine, tar, arsenic, ammonia, freon, cyanide, or the acetone
No it was you
It was the lingering taste of you
and your cherry red lips
It was the taste from where your lips pressed on mine
Completing my puzzle
That taste I’ve been chasing since the tenth month twenty first day of seventh grade
And if you add ten and twenty one you get thirty one
And if you flip that you get thirteen
Thats how old I was when I first kissed you
It had been a dare
And back then my ****** lips
Did not know about poison
My christian lips
Did not know how addicting you were
My collar bones were unexplored land discovered by your wondering hands
My chest was a new world after you
And now standing here
Standing still
Watching you walk away
I put the next cigarette to my lips
And try to chain smoke my way over you

God your beauty pains me so much
I just want to hold you
Wrap my arms around you and put my head on your chest
I want you to hug me tight and put your chin on the top of my head

I must disconnect
Myself
From you
But How
Do I disconnect
Myself
From my life source
How do I disconnect
Myself From
Oxygen
How Do I disconnect
Myself From
You
I’m trying to
Be
on
my
own

I broke
I found a way
To break
Almost every promise I have made
In a matter of a day
I managed
To
Get
So
Messed
Up
My arms
Are red
And my
Thighs are raw
I’m laying back
Letting my pain
Melt away
Waking up
With a bad headache
And
A
Bad
Pain
All
Over

Has a guy ever grabbed your ***
So hard
You felt
Like a real ****
Has a guy ever pushed you
So hard
You felt
Like it was your fault
Has a guy ever pressed his hands on you
So hard
You felt
Like you needed to be put in your place?

A long night
Heels that could ****
Feet sore
Make up smudged
A dam of tears built
Trying to keep it in
Long drags of a cigarette
Dancing, isn’t that supposed to be fun?
Kissing, shouldn’t you like that person?
We leave the dance
We walk aimlessly
He tells me about you
He tells me about how he loves him
He tells me about how he likes you
He cries out a laugh of pain
What is one to do?
I watch her
Anger rolling off of her in waves
She yells out
“Why aren’t we drunk
Why aren’t we high
Why aren’t we so ****** up
I want to be on cloud nine”
I say nothing
I breath in my nicotine
And whisper to him
About my love
My love that loves me not
I whisper about how I wish I could throw myself into not liking him
I whisper to him about how
I hate myself
As we amble into a fast food place
I cry
Codys face haunts me
It was to be fun
A long night
Heels that could ****
feet sore
Make up smudged
My dam of tears broke

Broken is something that happens to machines
It means gears are rusted, chains are busted
But people aren't machines
So you can't break people
Only makes them stronger

I just want to inspire,
I remember coming here last year,
And **** did I admire,
The kids who got up,
And had the guts to speak,
Because I thought my voice was weak,
I just needed to find my time,
And it's so cliché but my time is now
And I'm going to own it
It's just like Carter said on the first day
"We're a little bit of this and a little bit of that"
Well I'm a little bit brave
And a little bit afraid
But I am one hundred percent trying to reach you
I want you to
Scream out
If you are afraid
You will never know what you are made of
Till you at least try
There are unspoken afraid poets
Dreamers
Believers
Go getters
Waiting for a sign
Look no further
Your sign is right here, right now
Go, find your voice use it
Grab a pen, a pencil, chalk, anything, write it
Speak out!
I don't want to just reach the afraid
I want to praise the brave
The Spoken brave poets
The never silent
The achieving
The do-ers
You found your voice
You got out there
Your speaking
Writing out
My goal is to inspire
Because **** I want to admire
your spoken words
your written words
Your will be words
Waiting to exist
You poets
Will be poets
It your time,
so stop waiting,
Own it

You shouldn’t be on my mind
Dear god It’s nearly nine after three
I’m holding this blade
Thinking of what fate
Will decide
One more slice
To help end this vice
I’m thinking of you
I colour me you

Driving myself insane, your words, no your lies a fog. I am fumbling down a road made of this insanity, fogged by your facade. Driving my self over this cliff, you help me with your hand on my neck. I’ve been blinded by your eyes, while it was just a disguise, a mask. You’re telling me you love me only to slam me on a wall, I’m driving down this road, our home no longer a humble abode.

The word “****”
Is something kids should never have to learn
You should never have to know what is means
To be pushed down and have them forced upon you
Its nothing youth should know
Its nothing kids should know
Its nothing anyone should know
Its just a four letter word
Turned into a world of horror
Where the word “*****”
Gets thrown around at the wrong times
How did I ever bring this hell upon myself
When the clothes I was wearing were baggy
The shirt I had was collard
My pants were long, no holes
How did I scream out
“Take my innocence
Its okay I’m thirteen today”
Because I didn’t,
And if I do recall
I said the word “no”
So how does that give you the right to say
“Oh boys will be boys”
*He was no boy
He was almost twenty

When you know All I want is to be your baby

Let these words
Slip of my tongue
And hang in the air
Like smoke
Let them
Become something you crave
More than the nicotine
That poisons your body
Make them your addictions
That thing you need at two in the morning
The thing you can't stop thinking about
Let these words off my tongue
Hanging in the air
Breath them in
Let them take over your body
Get your high
Off my words
Let my tongue be your addiction

I am putting an "X" on my hand
Stating all I was once against
Now all I crave
I'm staying good
Resisting temptation

I think I have new scratches on my shoulders, bruises on my neck, I’ve just made it to hell, And ******* came back

Everyone needs a super hero
But not everyone has a good one
We look up to men who us guns instead of words
And women who use their bodies to get what they think they deserve
Children start looking up to their mommies and daddies
But how are little girls and boys gonna do that gonna do that
when their daddies stay away all night and get high
And their mommies look at their phone more than them
When they can’t look up to their parents
They look up to false idols singing songs about drugs and ***
They look up to people they think care
Everyone needs a hero
Everyone needs to look up to someone
But not everyone has that

I'm chasing what kills me

Last night I broke two promises
One I've kept for almost two years
And one I've kept since last january
I said I'd never cut to die again
I said I'd never see bone
But I didn't know cutting myself off
From feeding myself substances
Would make me crave my blood
And I don't know how Ill cope
With out my dope
I said I was going to get clean
And I didn't want to break that promise after just two days
You said its bad
But you've only seen the tip of the iceberg
I'm trying to play this off so you don't get stuck in this sticky web of addiction
I wear long sleeves so you don't see where the needle went in
I can't give you my money with out wiping off white powder
I'm trying to cope
But its so **** hard without my dope
I can already feel withdrawal
My body shakes
I scream out trying to not let my body collapse
Its new sorts of agony
I wish
I hadn't found this pain
I wish this hadn't become my life
I've been clean for not a whole day
I don't know that I can stay
This way
To cope
With out my dope
I have to break old promises
But I don't know what
I will become
When you ask me to keep blood
In my viens
Because other promises might
   have
     to
        be
           broken

My heart
Is beating so fast
Thinking you
Might like me
But I'm just getting my hopes up
Please don't turn out like the last guy
I don't want what people think I am
I'm sick
Of being slammed down
Only to be picked back up
By your beautifully written
*Empty
Words

Don't you
Put your hands on me
Don't you
Push me down like that
Don't you build me up
To knock me down
Don't leave bruises
On my mind
On my skin
On everything I am
Don't tell me about
How good I am
When I'm not good enough
To be anything
But your *****

I'm an addict
I'm addicted to the way you always smell like *** and cheap beer
they way you press into me so hard I have to conform to you
Your hip press into me too hard
And I give into you
I'm addicted to you
Your words
Your lies
I cant wait for you to feed me your ******* lies
I cant wait for you to force me down
I'm addicted to giving in
I'm addicted to letting you do this
No ones knows you
I wont tell them about you
I wont tell you how I cant get away
I am addicted to being your ***** little *****

Clicking heels make an almost deafening sound in the nearly empty front hallway. The bright florescent lights sending glaring light on the ***** linoleum tiles. The trophy case full of empty accomplishments and forgotten triumphs.
The few straggling students stumble in slowly shuffling to the attendance office for a pass. A few stop and ask for the time, what hour to go to, only to realize they have a full day ahead of them.
The gossip type chatter of the counselors drifts into the hallway, and you can sense that they need just as much counseling and bully prevention as the kids. The annoyed pessimistic voices of all the men and women in the office spill out like gusts of wind every time the door is opened.
The cold depressing feeling of this prison haunts, as the real physical cold of the building chills you. A girl crying runs into the counseling office only to be taken back out to talk about her problem in public.
The tisking of the janitor is overpowered by the smell of chemicals just being slopped onto door knobs and sloshed over fountains. The disapproving scowl of the assistant principal is directed at kids drudging through the halls aimlessly, but a voice of guidance is never heard.
The smell of cigarettes marrs not only the kids but the teachers and adults coming back in after going outside. The police officers stand joking by the front entrance.
But its all good, its just another day in Highschool.

Right now all I am
Is a jumbled cloud of lost thoughts
Empty words
Stumbling in the fog of my own
Depression

I just want to inspire,
I remember coming here last year,
And **** did I admire,
The kids who got up,
And had the guts to speak,
Because I thought my voice was weak,
I just needed to find my time,
And it's so cliché but my time is now
And I'm going to own it
It's just like Carter said on the first day
"We're a little bit of this and a little bit of that"
Well I'm a little bit brave
And a little bit scared
But I am one hundred percent trying to reach you
Scream out if you are afraid
You will never know what you are made of
Till you at least try
There a unspoken afraid poets
Dreamers
Believers
Go getters
Waiting for a sign
Look no further
Your sign is right here, right now
I don't want to just reach the afraid
I want to praise the brave
The Spoken brave poets
The never silent
The achieving
The do-ers
My goal is to inspire
Because **** I want to admire
your spoken words
your written words
Your words Just Waiting to be written
You poets
Will be poets
It your time,
so stop waiting,
Own it

Sitting in my room,
staring at my phone,
Looking at our texts.
My heart melts seeing
those little heart emojis.
I’m staying awake
for hopes to fall for you.

Deep in the black of the night,
Laying in bed, staying awake for you.
This feeling I cannot begin to ponder
Marks this unending wonder.

I’m falling, and this time it’s not so scary.
It’s fast as hell, But I’m ready to take a chance.
At school I wait to talk to you,
Getting butterflies that you might feel this way too.

The highlight of my day
Isn't just that someone talks to me,
But someone I can understand.
Someone that loves my poetry.
Maybe someday, we can be free.

We met through poetry, my first love,
And now it’s setting me free, to be with you.
Lets run away together, We can be
star-crossed-poets, Not just lovers.

If I told you that I wanted to take your hand
And fly away with you, would you believe me?
So many times I’ve been crushed from society,
Being lifted back up from you is unfathomable.

I’m falling in love,
I’m sending you love,
Upload my hug,
I love you “yet”.*

This feeling called “love”
I have mistakened before
Is now stronger than ever.
I never wanted to tell you
With these barriers in our way,
But I can’t hold it back forever.

Watching people perform
Their poetry
Is my favorite thing
Your sharp inhale
Breathing the words
Exhaling art
Your hands
Fly around the room
Grabbing thoughts
And pulling them together
Your body moves
To the rhythm you speak
You look like
You feel at peace
You look so at home
Even though your hands shake
Your voice quivers
I love watching you read
I love hearing your voice
It's smooth like honey
Addictive like nicotine
My favorite thing
Is seeing
Hearing
People perform their poetry

Sad lonely tree
Hanging on to that last little leaf
Not wanting to be alone
Oh sweet naive tree
Even though they move on with out you
You’ll have new friends again
It’s just fall
Wait till spring

Sitting in my room
Face glowing with a
harsh
bright
glow
From my phone
Seeing your typing
Seeing your texts
Seeing
you
send
infatuation
"I don't love you
yet"
"the feeling is mutual"
I'm in class now
I don't check my phone
Knowing your not there
But you will be
You make me feel
Like I'm not alone
You make me feel
Like I'm understood
You hear me
But your not here
With me
I don't know
Where I'm going with this
But I don't love you
Just *yet

I'm falling in love with someone I've never been able to touch.

..I'm not saying I love you yet

Desperately

Trying

to

not

fall


in


love


With



You

I feel pain
on my hips
they are a canvas
to my blade
making art
art that will be my
mark on your heart
Leaving scars
Just like the ones
drawn on my
skin

Why do you hate your self
When everyone I see
Loves you
Why are you so sad
When all you let me see
Is happy
Why do you have a wall around your heart
When we come to
You unarmed

Sad young boy
Don’t cry
Put on a smile
Laugh away the nightmares
It’s only a dream
Not a reality
Don’t worry about them
Focus on you
Sad young boy
Smile cheerily
Don’t think
Live in the moment
Don’t let them get the best of you
You may not be able to see it
But I can see you light
Bright and beautiful
You make people so happy
Can you do that for you?
Sad young boy
I love you

...To have my heart broken by you.

What was once a hushed shamed topic
Is now a fashion trend
What was once a shamed thing
Is now the norm
What was once unwanted
Is now all we crave

If eyes are the window to your soul
Mine must be curtained
Mine must be hidden behind these tears
Because if you knew what is happening
Inside
If you knew how my demons kept trapping me
If you knew about my finger nails scratching me
If you knew how I try to keep hiding me
If eyes are the window
Mine must be locked, shut, closed tight
Boarded, Two by fours nailed
Curtaining my tormented soul
If you knew my pain
I f you knew How much hatred I gain
You would know Why I've lain
The blade and my skin
Letting the balled of my sadness pour out in red notes
If eyes truly are a window
mine are Curtained

We are separated by screens
We fall in love
With false idols
Willing to give everything
For the love we don't get in our own house
We send Our lives over text
We spend our lives behind screens
We are hidden behind masks
It's turning into the Red Death
Each of us dying by half an hour
We are waiting for love to load
By we can't get a hug from a hard cold computer
We try to send love we don't know how to get ourselves
We are hiding behind screens
Hiding behind false names
We are hiding
Only to try to find love
But we can't upload a hug

Being afraid, It *****. But everyone, whether or not they admit it, is afraid to some extent.