I’ve been thinking about God lately
And whats life after death
Because I can’t get past the idea that my existence is confined to just this flesh  
I need to know if god is real
And what heaven to book a room in
Because I would rather sleep in beds with saints
Uncomfortable in sheets that aren’t my own
Rather than be caught up in the eternal damnation of my very own sins
I want to know god
Know god like I know the voice of my lover
And I want to feel gods love like the promise of salvation he wrote in the bible thousands of years ago
Because 80 years in this body isn’t enough for me
Honestly 180 or more wouldn’t make me happy
Because I want to hear the voice of my great grandpas voice again
And my pops
And
I want to see my dog
Plus all the people that will go in my life time
I can’t live with a goodbye I’m not guaranteed
I want to know if God is just some placebo put into place to bring comfort to our souls
Or if I can out my whole life into the blind faith of a man I’ve never met before
And what would eternity be like?
Is it better than leaving a legacy thats starting out as rocky as mine?
Does every day pass like a steady wind
Or does it move slow like snails crawling over blades of grass?
Will we know what forever is?
In heaven can you look down on the souls wondering around below,
Or are you in the constant worship of gods holy presence?
I need the answers to all of these questions
And clarifications for all of the possibilities
And loops holes like reincarnations
Because I’ve been thinking about death lately
And what people believe is inevitable
Because I’ve always believed in the gray muddle between lines
I can get past the idea of black and while
Life and death
God
Or nothing

The take off
You start your life wanting to be a mom
Like a lot of little girls
Then as you get older and you see your mom working you realize you can’t just be a mom
So you want to be a vet
you get to middle school
and you see that being a vet is too much work with the grades you have
You decided you want to be famous
Look through all the thing you can be famous for
Realize you cannot sing
You have a very strong tell
And you laugh when you try to be serious
So acting is out
And you weren’t born with a body like Kim K’s
Or born with the money to get it
Come to the idea that you can’t be famous if you aren’t like other famous people
Settle for the idea you’ll be working some menial job you’ll hate
Just like your mom and dad
Just like your aunts and uncles
Just like everyone else in your family
Realize you love writing
Like no one else in your family
Pencil and paper always near by
And if not
You have three different journal apps on your phone
and four on your laptop
Along with two poetry blogs
And the hope you had for starting a book
The hope that started in 2014
that hasn’t been messed with
Realize you want to really write a book
And be the poet lauriet
Realize your dreams of being famous aren’t that far away
Come to the shocking reality that you cannot support yourself on just this book
Decide you want to be an easthation
A word you cannot even spell
So you can wax peoples legs and arms
And parts of people you don’t want to see
Go through your last year of high school
Get put back into carters class
See how this teacher has changed your life
Opened you from your shell
See that you have made real progress
Not just in your writing but through that
You have become a better person
See that the take off
Started when you realized that you wanted to be a teacher

I've just been staring at my journal lately
Words don't come in waves like they used to
Tidal waves that took days to process
And ten poems to get through
Maybe its just the clearing of negativity
Or maybe its just my depression taking over again
I write in drops now
The drips of a leaking faucet
You can't water a garden with drips and drops
You can't harvest words that haven't grown yet

You were never strong
Even in those moments when I thought you were, you are not, have not will never be strong
You let the victim card define you
And while you survived many things
thats all you did
You never over came
You were never the gold you sang you were
at most you were a gold covered chocolate coin
Gross on the inside
Covered with false light
You just turned 18
You can't play the victim card to get out of jail
You can't play it to get out of court
And no matter how loud you sing
The stench of the drugs and alcohol in your system will always be louder
You said you were proud of yourself
Not like your father
Or your brother
Oh but yes you were
Ever bottle to your lips was
There are days I wish I never would have met you
Never would have tasted the sin you subjected me to
Wish I would have retained my innocence  
But now I look at gold covered candies
And thinks of your sin

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes
But I’ve got no rhythm tip toe around the precision of other writers  
I get lost easily in the waves of patterns and structure
Rupture my skin in the process
Destroying words and phrases in the mess of my skin and blood
Dragging myself through the mud I am a jumble of words that don’t even fit together in sentences
My types of fetish’s aren’t feet or latex, but poetry
Supposedly everyone can rhyme but
My fingers can find the time from the space between pen and paper
Maybe if i cover my room in wallpaper made from failed poems
I’ll finally get there
Rip out all my hair
I’ve never successfully written rhyme worth sharing
I’ve been in this despairing state for a while
Ran miles on my tongue  
Wrung myself dry from all my creativity
Found I have a bigotry towards everything I write

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes
I ask for an example
Sample sounds on paper
Ending up with ample amounts of couplets
But its never enough, its always going to fall short
Someone needs to take me to court I’m copying the sound of other writers
Profound thoughts never said eloquently enough
It’s rough to be a writer that doesn’t know how to write
But I’ve never been the type to give up
Cover up all my failed attempts at rhyming with free-verse
Curse me, Or even worse
Coerce me into thinking I know what I’m doing
Because whats worse than blissful ignorance
Hand my a fistful of advice and set me free
But I’ll never be the girl who rhymes rhymes
My fingers will never find the time lost between pen and paper

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes
Sometimes they nearly get their wish
But all dreams parish in jumbles of words in phrases
Blaze through whole journals trying to write two poems
Crumbling my own thoughts in my too fast thought process

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes
I still with pencil and paper
Set out on this caper
With a website that gives me words that rhyme
I’ve decided to let people get their fix
Try my hand at rhymes
Take my time
And slow down my too fast thought process
Soak up all my creativity
A rid my mind of every bigotry I ever had
Because the girl who rhymes
Will always be the girl who rhymes

Water that stands still becomes a poisonous petri dish of parasites
No one willingly drinks it
No one, not even dogs can survive on it

You told me people were changing
Tried to make me promise not to change
I didn’t think anything of it
I’ve always been a creature of habit
But I didn’t realize every still frame you took of us was turning us too still -
Stagnent

Every Creek runs a stream
Every stream runs a river
And water is always traced back to the oceans
The oceans
They support millions if not billions of creatures
Millions of different sources creating a big beautiful constantly moving changing habitat
Every part working together
And while parts of the ocean get terribly still
There is always a storm
Wave crashing destroying beautiful things
Only to be rebuilt in an even more fantastic way

Now don’t get me wrong stagnant water supports life
Like disease carrying bugs
And the bacteria that can give you malaria
Stagnation can take over whole creeks, streams, even ponds
Destroying whole ecosystems
Letting things rot

You said that I have started to change
Tried to make me think I was doing the wrong thing
When I put myself and my family first
When I kept running
You kept yelling
“WE HAVE TO STAND STILL”
Your toxicity can no longer touch me
I’ve found the ocean
An amazing ecosystem working together supporting life
Moving together and separately
Supporting growth

While your stagnant puddles are evaporating from the sunlight,    
The bugs keep crawling on you

But your disease can no longer touch me
Parasites can no longer reach me
I’m running and flowing
moving and growing through this ocean
And you stay still
In your still frame stagnant puddle

Look at yourself in the mirror tell yourself this is not your fault
Repeat this step till it is not a lie
2. Gather everything that reminds you of them
Put it in a box, stare at it till it is meaningless
3. Put the box on the curb
1. This is not your fault
4. Delete all pictures of them off your phone, out of your mind, they are just taking up memory
5. You have to erase them from your social media, every picture, every tag, post, indirect, tweet, poke, tbh, every re-post, every message
6. Write every word they have ever spoken to you
7. Burn it
6. Write every lie they have ever screamed at you
7. You have to burn it
1. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself this is not your fault
This cannot be your fault
1. This is not your fault
8. Wear your favorite yellow dress, the one you never felt comfortable enough to wear around them
Sing your favorite song louder than they would ever let you
9  Listen to the sad songs, Adel on repeat, Taylor Swift, every sad song you can think of
You need to cry out the toxicity
10  Fill the gaps in your life with friends, all the people you could never hang out with
Pick up a new hobby, learn how to hem al the pants you have
11  Realize you never loved them, just the idea of them
12  Understand that looking through rose coloured glass red flags don’t look like red flags
1  This has never been you’re fault
You’re starting to realize this has never been your fault
13  Shave off all of your hair

Okay maybe not that extreme but cute your hair short, dye it black, electric blue
Do this for yourself something you’ve always wanted to do
Wear this as a proud sign saying “I’m over you”
0  Realize you’ve found closure
Understanding what happened was half of it
Know that your mind and your body are in the last stages of healing
You’re healing
You have found closure