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Ellie Shelley May 2016
RIP Waterbear,
You never were anything but an idea
A very scary idea
April 16, 2016 - May 1, 2016
Ellie Shelley Apr 2016
I have an irrational fear of bodies of water
When I think of them,
I feel my lungs tightening
My fingers get numb
I see sharks coming towards me
mouths wide open
Its the kind of fear where thinking about it makes your whole body shake and tense up at the time
Your teeth grit together and you just
When I was little I used to swim almost every day, I practically lived in the pool
I wanted to be a mermaid, spend every moment in the water, the ocean was a whole new world
I spent my summers living in the lake
Diving into the water and trying to touch the bottom
I thought heaven would be a utopia of oceans
And we would spend eternity floating
The first thing I did when I went to florida was run to the ocean
I ran till my bare feet were no longer hitting ground but treading water  
Swimming in pure bliss and happiness
But that all changed about two summers ago
I was riding a wave runner when My father turned a little too hard
And I was thrown off
It was in that moment that my body forgot how to swim
Sinking in the water light was hard to see
Every single fear that you could have about water flowed into me
I feel my lungs tightening
My fingers get numb
I see sharks coming towards me
mouths wide open
Thrashing in the water till I found the surface I saw my father  
Attempting to swim to him, I some how found my way back on the wave runner
I found myself back into the lake house
I’ve never been back in a lake since, not even a body of water
I got nervous the first time I got into a swimming pool at my friends house
I hope that heaven is dry land
And even though I don’t live by the ocean I’m still overwhelmingly terrified of it
And I’ve found that your love, is the ocean.
Ellie Shelley Apr 2016
Two months --
And a maybe
68 days --
And a .1% chance
Eight more days
To take upwards of three
tests to see
If my life --
Our life --
Is changing
Or maybe I was right the first time, Just mine
Because when I told you about worry
You told me about clinics
When I talked about
Talking to parents
You told me you didn't even want your mom to know
Seventeen and Sixteen
You tell me you don't want to be a statistic
Another cliche
But I don't want to be a graveyard
I don't want to grow flowers either
You asked me why I'm worried now
And I have no words to describe the feeling in my gut
The odd sense of paranoia
With no evidence for my worry
A little over 9 weeks
And a trembling thought
2632 hours
And anxious feelings
-P.S. I'm keeping it-
Ellie Shelley Mar 2016
One -Breath- Two -Breath- Three -Breath- Four -Breath-
One time was too many
And certainly too early because in February I would have been 13 for less than half a year
To early for me to be photographed by police that referred to me as the victim rather than a survivor
Or much less my name
Two was not as bad as it could have been
It was just a dark room with my mouth filled with someone elses yes rather than air
I’m just glad someone walked in when they did
Three was scary
Because its scary to wake up still drunk screaming no,
Your whole body shaking to a rhythm someone has trapped you in
He bragged to his friends that he kept me screaming all night
Four was an accident that I could have prevented by keeping myself in a safe situation
But why should I have to decide not to have fun so someone won’t take advantage of my high
I remember saying no
And a quiet no should be just as powerful as a screamed no but it seems that
These four men didn’t have an understanding of the word
I say men, not boys because not a single one of these “men” were 18 or younger
What made them decide my body was their property
Did one know that
He would affect me for the rest of my life?
He was the first boy I “fell in love with”
I have always tried to convince myself that there was some good in him
Did two know that he would make me scared to be alone in a room with another boy
Scared that having the lights off made my no invalid
Did three know that he would make me wary of playing drinking games with friends
Scared that there was no safety in the home of someone I knew, my neighbor
Did four know that he would ruin my trust of going over to a boys house
I thought he was a nice boy, he worked at the grocery store and had seen me shopping with my mother
I had told people where I was going, I just wanted to watch a movie
But before the main character was even introduced his hand was unzipping my dignity
I said no
But I guess they learned to never take no for an answer
Ellie Shelley Mar 2016
I love you more than 16 miles
I already told you that
Because even though its cheesy
I love you to the moon and back
I love you more than 23 minutes
Trust me I’ve traveled long trips
And I’ll travel longer for you
I’d travel half way across the country
And all they way back
Just to see you for five minutes
I want to send my love in baskets
But it would take years to send it all
I want to write out my love
But it would take epics to do it
I love you more
Anything really
I love you so much I haven’t really been able to think about anything else
The dopamine has taken over my brain
And You’ve got me drugged
And I love you more than that
I love you more than the six months its going to take for me to legally drive to you
I love you more than a taxi fare
I love you more
Ellie Shelley Feb 2016
I want to pour gasoline on my body
And set fire to my fingertips
Run my fingers through my hair
Watch it burn, and singe my scalp till I bleed
I want the fire to lick at my skin with an intensity no one has felt before
I want to scream everything I hate about myself
I want to stand on the tallest building there is on a windy day
Feel the wind ripping at my skin
I want to stand on the edge
I want to be the edge
I want to see all the people as I jump
I want to see the fear fade from my eyes in the reflection of the glass passing on the building
See all the people clear as I jump
I want to scream everything I’m sorry for
I want to tie a rope around my neck
See colour become more vibrant that I’ve never been able to see
A new colour scheme
Finally getting a new perspective
Till it all goes monochromatic
I want to set up a cocktail party
Garnish cocktails with pills instead of cherries
Drink them till I feel cobwebs on my arms
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