Pieces of my heart
Scattered on the floor
Like my ***** laundry
Trying to pick them up
Put it back together
My hands shaking
Fear spreading in my veins
I can feel your presence over me
Like a dark cloud hanging above
in foggy forecast
If i make the wrong move
I know your arm will swing
I say the wrong thing I know
You will black out

I cannot have a repeat of last night
Choked down
Punched
Told that I am ugly
Bruised
I hate you for that

If I wasn’t so soft
I could pick myself up
Hurt you too
Cause the same pain
And fear you have filled my body with

I cannot have a repeat of my childhood
Maybe I shouldn’t have told you
What my mother did
I went through too much to go through it again
I see the same hatred and anger in your eyes as hers

I love you
As much as I hate you
50/50
Love the way you kiss me
Hold me
Caress me
Hate the way you hit me
Choke me
Belittle me

I know as long as I stay calm
Sit right here everything will be alright
There’s always a calmness before a storm
I’m praying
Because I cannot have a repeat of last night
I cannot relive my past
I got to piece my heart back together
And get up

My whole adolescence I had hope
But all my prayers went unanswered
All my dreams faded
Black and white
Forgotten
My childhood wasn’t an art piece
It was broken crayons on my school desk
It was fear
Hatred
Love
Tears
Blood
I had no idea what normal was
Chaotic coincidences made up my memories
Memories
They burn like having a cigarette put out on your tongue
Terrible brain connections
I hate my memories
I wish I could forget
Wake up from the nightmare of
Begging to be recognized
For forgiveness
I needed you
Needed somebody to see that I was hurting bad
But you were just like the rest
Blind of the truth
Believed the fabricated stories
Trust
It’s a word with a bitter taste
You have it, then lose it within a matter of seconds
1 second...trust is gained
2 seconds...it’s gone
Snap of a finger
Blink of an eye
My dear friend
I love you like there’s no tomorrow
I adore you
All your perfect imperfections
But love is never an easy emotion
Loving is really a bipolar feeling
Happy one second
Hateful the next
Crying one minute
Laughing the next  
But my friend let me tell you
One little secret
I’ve been thru hell and back
But that little thing called hope
It still keeps me going

attention...
smear neon lipstick
all over my cushiony lips
I'll eat it like Crayola crayons
pose whorishly for the camera
be saccharinely
tell you I love you
when I know it's a lie
why?
for attention
always want to be the center of it
I'm a fiend
for
ATTENTION
give it to me I'll eat it up
and love every bite of it

the lights of a cop car gave me hope
I wanted them to take me away
from the pain
and tears
home was no longer home
it was a prison
mom and dad were guards
dad did nasty things to me
I kept silent
mama threw things
and slammed me against cupboards
she was unaware of dads behaviors
I blamed my body
if only I was unhealthy
sloppily so...
then maybe he would have left me alone
mama hated me
I saw it in her eyes
before she erupted and came down on me
but there was always a calmness before the storm
bipolar
it seemed
laughter and praise
rarely so
but still there
sometimes I wish I knew my real parents
but they weren't much better
******* lovers
I knew though
if I waited my sentence I'd be out free
one day
someday
I'd run free
I survived
I endured
and now I'm free

you and me
paper dolls
hand in hand
cutout of two lovers
who solemnly swear to another
that our love will always run deep
you
a mirroring reflection of me
holding on to a dream
we are wild
reckless
young
and free
my love for you will forever be strong
you make me content
there's no place id rather be
but in your arms
caress me
kiss me
love me gently
and roughly
whisper little nothings in my ear
your smile sparks a flame in my heart
paper dolls
you and me
meant to be
I love you
no one else id rather be with
no one else id rather call mine

I keep thinking

We are no longer prisoners

Bound and manacled together

Pulverized by the thought

That we could one day be freed


I was always the alibi

You led and i followed

Always one step behind

Was i too vulnerable?

Perhaps

But now the ad naseam has resurfaced

When i think about what happened

She didn’t deserve it

What we did to her


Only still to this day i don’t see

Much shame in your eyes

They seem jovial

My brain a kaleidoscope

Of gray and black thoughts

You know exactly what i know

That we will never be freed


We are still prisoners

Shackled and caged like untamed animals

purple thoughts

pool over in my mind

like bruises blossoming

on my thighs


hands so soft and intricate

as they wrapped around my neck

choking my exhale


whispered i love yous

that fall to the ground

i wanted to catch them

i wanted to believe them

from those soft lips that kissed me

but also spoke those bitter lies


purple thoughts

of depression

self hatred

anger

blaming myself instead of you


purple always was my favorite color

mama’s too

but it never suited my thighs

nor thoughts