I'm still trying to learn
learn how to deal with heartbreaks
being happy
not falling for someone too quickly
who I am

but I'm still lost
depressed
struggling with my emotions

I'm so tired of "having a model's body"
"perfect smile"
"gorgeous lips"
I don't want any of it no more
I don't want the attention any longer

so please stop staring at me
I'm too busy learning about who I am
to want to engage with you

go ahead take a picture
I'll play model
and smile
that perfect smile
but inside I'm dying

You treated me wrong

Like i didn’t belong

I was longer shiny and new

To you

I had no clue

As to whether

You still loved me

My mind was in a clouded gray fog

It was hard to get out of the smog

Of wicked lies

And outrageous cries because


You chose me

Then used me

Abused me

Physically

Verbally

Mentally misused me

You said you loved me

And then you threw me out

I was no china doll to you

Only simply

A rag doll


I am tall

But i felt so small

In your presence

It seemed I was nonexistent

Why did you treat me so different?


But at least now i know

That when you touch me i no longer glow

When i used to feel strong

And like i belonged

You knocked me down

And when i rose back up

You shoved me twice as hard against the wall

You made me feel so small

But i know i am tall

I know i am stronger

I know you are no longer

The person i once wanted

Though I am haunted by

Your wicked lies

Your ****** fists

And my outrageous cries

I lived my early childhood and adolescent years,
dreaming.
Musing about how when I grew older,
I would accomplish anything and everything.
I was so giddy about living in this perfect world,
that all the imperfections flew right by.
Because in those fantasmal dreams of mine,
I saw bright swirls of colors.
Hues of green and blue.
shades of yellow and colors like cerise, pink, and orange.
They danced around me.
They stirred inside me in a halycon manner.
Bubbling up so effervescently
like soda pop tickling the back of my throat
Nothing could break me away from your high spirits.
That was until I turned a little older and received a soupcon of reality.
And for the first time I felt...lost.
Confusion began to nibble away at me and I became afraid.
Because one by one my dreams slipped away; out of my reach--my grasp.
And all the imperfections in this world that had once flew right by me--now hit me in the heart.
And I had no choice but to face it.
I wouldn’t be able to fantasize any longer.
Like I wanted to.
Because reality had arrived at my doorstep.
And as I watched my amazing dreams fade away,
Ashes began piling up in the back of my throat,
And  dark clouds of gray and black suffocated me.
I wanted to escape it all,
Maybe go back to the utopian like fantasy I had built in my head,
That was far better off than reality at the moment.
Because this moment was all too surreal
The navy currents swept me under and carried me away,
and these became the tints of my broken dreams.

When you look up at night,
do you stare at the stars and whisper my name?
Hoping that somewhere along the way,
the wind will carry your voice to me.
Me, who may quite possibly be gazing at the same set of stars as you.
Throughout your day, when you are all by yourself,
does my name enter your thoughts?
Do the words I shared with you spark any reactions inside you still?
Or have you already forgotten me?
Please, I beg you… forget me not,
forget me not.
For I have not had the heart to forget about you.
You enter my thoughts, and your face is forever etched in my mind and soul.
You still have my heart, and so I ask,
forget me not?
You made me laugh, blush, and smile,
and you made me cry.
Yet, I keep telling myself not to let you go.
In case one day you re-enter my life.
Shall you still have my heart,
I trust you with it--yes, I still have faith in you.
If I’m right,
if you do whisper my name to the constellations,
if my name clouds your brain,
then you have received my one hundred forget-me-nots.
And you’ve given me a reason to laugh, blush, and smile.
All over again.
Although if you have not, then you have given me a reason to hope that one day,
we will see each other again and start over.
Until that day comes, please, I ask you over and over, one hundred times…
forget me not?

I won't get out of bed.
I don’t want to cry.
I’m tired of being a victim of their jokes,
and their boorish behavior.
I’d rather lay here.
I’ll pretend I’m sick.
I’ll make up anything just to stay in bed.
I’d rather cry in secret.
My arms are already covered with pain.
Pain I’ve shown through cuts.
I think they will turn into scars soon.
I’ve ran out of long sleeve shirts.
It’s too warm for a jacket since it’s almost summer.
Therefore, I won't get out of bed.
Without me there, what will they do?
I want to be anchored  to my bed.
I don’t want to drift away from it.
I know that my bed has become my habitue,
but i don’t care.
I won't get out of bed.
I’m tired of their jokes.

It is not the anticipation of a first kiss from you,
Nor is it the idea of your hands,
fluttering like butterflies around me,
Only to land on layers of linen and then to rise again.
These are not the things I want from you, at least not right away.
When I try to grasp the concept of one day meeting you,
I blush at the thought of seeing your smile.
And to hear a voice that in this moment I am deaf to.
I want to laugh,
so that I can cry.
Not because I’m melancholy,
But because in that second I’ll realize my wish,
though not a big one,
twinkled so brightly above that not even God himself denied seeing it.
I’ll weep because never,
Not ever have I been party to something so beautiful,
Like two souls patiently waiting to find their way toward one another.
The light at the end of my tunnel shines for you and only you.
There is so much that we do not know.
Are we too naive?
Or too vulnerable?
I only know that there are missing pieces to our puzzle,
Yet I know, that the time will come when we are able to see one another.
And now i must do what is the most difficult;
That is to wait…
Wait for you
Waiting for me.

you are faded
black and white movies
smeared on a canvas of ashes
completely gone
in the back of my mind