I saved your life
And you saved mine
Those are the truest acts of
Vulnerability
And with those acts
We brought life anew
Our hearts reborn
And together
True

Consumerism

It pulls me in
Never letting go
Stuff
You need more stuff
You need this stuff
You cannot get rid of this stuff
This stuff is important
You love this stuff
This stuff is your life
That's what my stuff has been telling me
Keep me for the future
You may need me
You do need me
I make you happy
You need me to be happy
You need me to have happy experiences
I am your memories
You love me

Do I though?

Do I have the strength to let go?
To clear up space
Make room for new experiences
New opportunities
Instead of collecting stuff
Can I get rid of it all and move forward
Let go of attachments and move onward
Live a life of experiences instead of memories
Memories of my past
My past is held in all this stuff
Others pasts are held in all this stuff
Even though I want it
I don't need it
And now I question if I still want it

No
I don't
I can do it
I can let go
Let go of all the stuff
All the stuff holding me back
I can do it
I will do it
The process has begun

I need strength
I need my own motivation

Let it begin

I wish to escape reality
I wish to change directions
I wish to have new experiences
I wish to have less attachments
I wish to have less worries
I wish to make less mistakes
I wish to stay positive
I wish to move forward
I wish to not doubt myself
I wish to believe in the future
I wish to use everything I have
I wish to be happy with what I do
I wish to be happy with what I have
I wish to feel more content with my life
I wish to be able to give things up
I wish to do more
I wish to be more
I wish to have less anxiety
I wish to believe in myself

I wish to escape reality
I wish to escape
I wish to
I wish
I
Wishes verse reality
Reality verse wishes

It's a day in the life
And once again I feel strife
It's hard to explain
The rick and roll of a roller coaster train
I'm stressed yet I'm calm
Then I fall asleep till dawn
I wake up at five
Feeling all sorts of alive
Semi disappointed but I make up my mind
It's time to get to work and thrive
I'm having trouble focusing but I get it done
Edit and submit
I'm done with it
Shower and decide
It's time for a ride
Hop in the car to the train
Smiling cause I'm insane
To the station I arrive
But my ticket but then
I snap for a moment
The mood is ruined
I feel like crying
I'm on my way in
I want to see the tree
I want to see my love
He's annoyed
I'm crying
What will happen
When I arrive
Breathing exercises
I'll still go see the tree
With or without him
I'm not dependent
But I am in love
Then I'll turn around and leave
Back to the train
Back to the car
Back to my bed
And on to a new day

Dear Father,
I feel,
sad.
I wish we had more of a relationship.
I love you.
I wish you'd understand that,
even though my path isn't yours,
it's still right for me.
I wish you'd accept that,
I'm in an interracial relationship,
and extremely content.
You're conditioned.
I know that's not really who you are though.
You once told me,
the story of when you worked on the boats back in the day.
You and your friend went for a drink at the bar.
They said they'd serve you but not him, because he's black.
You both left and went around to the other entrance,
where they served you both.
That's the man and father I know you are.
I respect that.
That taught me respect.
That taught me to love and respect everyone, to the beset of my ability.
What happened?
I love you.
I also love him.
Maybe we can have more of a relationship one day.
I would love that.
One day far in the future,
when I get married to the love of my life,
regardless of who that ends up being,
I want to dance with my first true love.
The one who taught me to value relationships and look for kind men.
That's you,
Father.
That's you.
My love.

We sit by the water
You take my hand
You tell me there's been something
You've been wanting to share with me
For a long time

"I love you," he says
"I love you too," you say

His words wash over you
Emotions array
The moment of frightening excitement
The moment you've been waiting for

"Are you happy?" he asks
"I am very happy," you reply

And you both smile
As you'd never before

I could love you.
If you'd let me.
Let's be real.
I'm just as scared as you are.

You're not ready.
I don't know if I've ever been ready.
Things just happen.
Suddenly something changes.

Different feelings start to seep in.

Let them.
Let me.
Let you.
Love me.
Love you.

I'm whipping up food
for two
wearing only your shirt

And we're happy
to just be
together

the mere thought of you
gives me butterflies

I dreamed of you last night

Both in separate places

We came to find each other

Sitting down you hugged me

I smiled and felt contentment

It's the small things

The simple things

I dreamed of you last night

I'm vulnerable
     Tears are flowing down my face
             And you comfort me

My heart hurts
I miss you

This always happens
I feel good around you
I feel safe around you
You make me feel calm

Then I leave
It's not that far
Yet it's far enough

I miss being around you
Smiling
Laughing
Talking
Holding hands
Cuddling
Hugging
Kissing
Listening to your voice
Giggling together
Watching you smile

You make me smile
You make my heart skip a beat
You give me butterflies

I'm falling for you

The heat rises in her face
as she thinks those forbidden thoughts
Forbidden...
by whom?
She lies down and closes her eyes
smiling because only she can see
what lies in the depths of her memory
She places her hand on her body
as images come to light
a movie with certain scenes on repeat
As she touches herself
the feelings resurfacing
her smile turns to yearning
that forbidden yearning
Her other hand joins the first
as the heat in her face
spreads throughout her body
Pulse quickening
Sounds heard
Images flickering
Touch felt
Heat awakening
Spine arching
And finally
peace
She smiles as her face relaxes
those forbidden thoughts
leading her to blissful rest

Hearts broken
Hearts born anew
What is a woman
To do

I could just up and leave
Leave everything behind

Move to a new place
Place with new horizons

Find adventure and joy in small things
Things that fulfill my desire

I've gotten the travel bug

Oh wanderlust

I don't know what I'm feeling
It's a sense of dissatisfaction
Which I shouldn't have
I have more than most people
And I'm not just talking material
Looking out the window
Staring at the trees surrounding me
I yearn for the simplicity
The simplicity of youth
Somehow it got away from me
Despite the fact that I'm still young
I could run away from it all
Start fresh in another dimension
And yet I realize that
If I did just up and leave
I would be leaving so many behind
What is it about
Freedom from others
That entices me
And why is it that
I still crave the security
Of being safe in someone's arms
I fear that I am brooding
I fear that I am more like my dad
That I am prone to brooding
To sadness
To dissatisfaction
To depression
We both stand in front
Of opposite windows
Staring at the trees surrounding us
Brooding
Thinking
Speculating
Wanting more yet
Unsure of how
Of why
This feeling occurs

The snow is pretty
It's glistening
Coming down like a slow motion rain storm
Floating
Dancing around the windows
As if to say
Hello
Landing on the noses of the young at heart
Causing both laughter and grumbling simultaneously
As the beauty is enjoyed
Yet the warmth is longed for
Oh the feelings evoked
By a winter snow storm in March

the shadow of unwanted love
cuts like a knife

It was sudden and unexpected
When he placed his hands on my waist
It was a friendly gesture
And yet
I realized how much I miss it
Simple
Touch

I want to write
I just don't know what to say
The attack happened in my sister's
neighborhood
What if she had been there?
What if something had happened to her?
I don't feel safe anymore
Why is all of this happening?
I thought humans were supposed to
learn from their mistakes
Why combat hate with hate?
"All we need is love"
to steal a line from The Beatles
It's true though
I believe in peace
Peace and kindness
We're at war in our own home
Yet no one seems to be listening
People are watching
Praying
Marching
Vocalizing their need for change
For justice
Is anyone listening though?
Will things change?
Can things change?
Change takes years to happen
Will these acts continue happening
for years?
I want to feel safe
I want others to feel safe
Safe and comforted
This change has to happen
To occur
In order that our next generation
will be safe
Feel safe
Start listening

My life is sirens
Sirens
  Calling out to those who are hurt
  On the street
When did this happen?
Or has it always been this way?
I don't feel safe anymore.

Stuck on a subway car
Between 34th and 23rd
No service
Time stops for a moment
Allowing time to just breathe
Socialize and speak to those around you
A common yet uncommon action
Lost in the midst of 21st century technology

Here I stand
Listening to music
Headphones in
Journal out
What is it that keeps me from
  being in the moment and
  experiencing the freedom of
  blissful timelessness
I do not know but
I do know that
I feel happy
Happy and calm
To have no control and simply
Let go of needing to live in the future
Just being here in this moment
Despite everything

I haven't written in awhile
Haven't had the time
Or really
Given myself the time to
Just be in the moment
No worries
No appointments
No necessity
And as the claps begin
Power is restored
And life moves forward

Inspiration
  comes from many places
  many people
  many things
A child's smile
The sun as it rises and sets
Words of inspiration
  come from all around
It's just a matter of
  taking a moment to pause and
    listen
    watch
    hear
    see
    appreciate
  the beauty surrounding you
  the people around you
  the love given to you
  the freedom to choose
    you

Beat, beat, beat my heart
Listen to the rhythm of the stars
Stretching across the universe
Ever expanding their
silence
Breathe for a minute
Breathe in the life that is around you
Just waiting to be lived
Waiting to be loved
Open your heart
Your mind
Step outside the box you have created for yourself and
Pin yourself to the ever changing world while you
Jump off the wheel of other people's expectations
Expectations
can be your own
Chase after the free-flowing spontaneity and
child-like adventure
You used to call your own

Beautiful expanses of ever-changing green
My heart expands within me
Opening to the possibility
Of all that is newly laid out right in front of me
As this light enters
The shadows slowly retreat into the corners of my mind

Dancing to the beat
Swaying to the rhythm of
Your soul full of love

Moving 'round the room
Feel yourself and lose yourself
Clove yourself with love

Look up to the sky
Breathe in all the energy
Spin yourself with pride

Drummers drumming to the beat
  of preserving and celebrating
    culture
Feel the music
Feel the beat
Start to move
Sway to the rhythm of the
  subway train
In the midst of the people
  Lose
    Yourself
One, two, three
One, two, three
  Drummers drumming
One, two, three
One, two, three
  Subway swaying
One, two, three
One, two, three
  Bodies moving,
    Dancing
      In
        The
          Subway

Laying here
Listening to the sounds of music and
The voices in my head thinking
Thinking to hard
The negativity returns
It envelops me until
My chest might explode
I try to think of other things but
Anxiety envelops my heart and mind until
Until it's almost too much
I'm crippled by my anxiety
It keeps me laying here
It keeps me from leaving
Breathe in
Breathe out

“Do you have a heart?”
He asked, as he looked at me
Drawing assumptions of me by my clothing and attitude
“Yes…” I replied,
Uncertainly waiting for the next words
The words I knew he would ask
As he watched me eating with two friends
In McDonalds
“Will you buy me a meal?” he asks
“I really can’t right now” I reply
Knowing that there is a chance I could add money to my account
A chance I could go ahead and buy him something
“Do you have a heart?” he asks again
Now I’m not certain of if I do
I still don’t buy him anything
His next words are a shock to all those around me
“*******”
I pause for a moment
And make the choice to continue my conversation with my friends
Telling them about the TED Talk I watched about
“The Danger of a Single Story” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I don’t know this man’s story
Yet,
He doesn’t know my story either
Man,
Did you know that I bought this food I’m eating with food stamps?
I came into McDonalds and bought apple pies for one dollar
In order to have a place to sit down and eat
And use the bathroom
I walk out the door
Another man is begging on the street
He makes eye contact with me and goes
“No I mean her, she’s the one with the money”
I am not white privileged
He doesn’t know that what I have, I earned
My parents worked their ***** off for what they have
For what they have given me
I am not rich
I have had amazing opportunities
I have worked hard for them
I am extremely grateful and sometimes feel
Selfish
For what I do have
Who says that I should feel selfish for having enough money to eat?
Why does society dictate that
Because I am a white female and
Wear nice clothes
That it means I haven’t bought half my wardrobe from thrift stores
Or received hammy downs from my older sisters
Yes,
I have a lot of material items in my life
But no,
I was not handed everything in life
I have and am still working hard
For the opportunities I have in my life
My junior year of college
My bank account went down to where I couldn’t withdraw anymore or I would
Start losing money and get in trouble
That feeling of being poor
It didn’t sit right with me and maybe it’s true
Maybe I do have a cushion of money right now
But I made myself a promise that year that I
Would never be poor
I would make decisions in my life that would lead to
Prosperity,
Within reason
I would get ahold of and learn to control my
Willpower
The power to say no
The power to make certain decisions
To control my spending and
At least one aspect of my life
Which I really cannot control
At all
No,
I did not buy you a meal
Yes,
I wondered what made me make this decision
And yes,
Five to ten minutes later I heard glass fall to the ground
I turned and saw the alcohol
I heard you cursing everyone else out in the store
I heard you not really thinking about anything other than
This drug
You are on drugs
Am I a bad person?
Does it make me a bad person because
I do not give money or buy a meal for
Every single homeless person that I see or meet
Whether on the streets or in a
McDonalds
I made a choice
A decision
I have bills to pay
I feel that society dictates that in order to
Practice what you preach
You need to always be giving
But I feel as though
Within reason you can give
And within certain situations you can give
I choose to give
When I can see that a person
Is attempting to help themselves
By finding shelter
And going to a place that can help them
Rather than just feed their addiction
Tell me I’m hard
Tell me I’m not
Practicing what I’m preaching
But in this world
In this economy
In this life
How can you be completely selfless
At all times
And survive
How can you
Give all of what you have
Without keeping any bit
You can
I’ve seen it happen
And I know that
I’m a selfish person
And yet
I feel that self-awareness is the key to
Social awareness and that
You need to find yourself inside and
Help yourself before you can
Find others and
Help others
Yes,
I may be selfish at times
Yes,
I did not buy you a meal
Judge me,
If you will
Another person just bought you food and
You did not thank them because
You are trying your best to survive in your situation while
I’m trying my best to survive in mine
You don’t know me
You may know a single story of me
But that doesn’t define who I am
Or maybe it does
Overall though,
I’m human

What do you do
When you want to speak
Yet the fear encompasses you
When you dare to face
The uncertainty that flows
From communication with others
That could potentially dissolve
A peaceful setting
Bringing
Discord
The chaos of conflict
It scares me
I don't like it
Whether it is positive or negative
It's uncertain
It's unknown
It's scary to not know
How can I be silent?
Partly because
It's what I've always done
It's what I know
It's how I act and feel
It's almost a part of me
But
It's really not
The harmonious silence of
The darkness
The unknown
To me
It's a different kind of silence
It's a
I'm holding back from expressing
myself because I don't want
to cause anything that would
make me have to feel discomfort
and be uncomfortable
Type of silence
LOUDER!
was my pledge
Yet in silence I sit
Hoping
Wishing
Praying for the moment
When things will magically
fix themselves
Aggression won't be necessary
Discomfort won't occur
But
it is necessary
Like thoughts translating
to words through a pen
onto paper
it's necessary
Change
is necessary

You don't need all the negativity
that you keep giving yourself.
  You don't need anyone but yourself.
  You need to shape up and start
living your life again.
  You feel a lot.
  And that's okay.
  Stop censuring your words girl.
  Words are meant to be spoken.
  Speak Your Mind.
  If you don't, what good will
come of your thoughts?
  Why let fear control your life?
  Even if you want everyone to
be happy, there's a chance it won't
happen.
  If you have days when you don't
want to be happy, don't others
deserve the same liberty and freedom?
  The answer is yes.
  Yes, they do.
  Even though you like to say
impossible is nothing.
  Even though, not as much now,
you try to strive towards making
the impossible, possible.
  It may be better to strive to
work within the realm of possibility.

Starry eyes glazing through the night
  sky
Lost in thought, she gazes out over
  the horizon
Beyond the beauty of the sunset,
  the darkness awaits

Change is a powerful thing
Change leads to transformations
    whether positive or negative
    is up to the person
How can we say that
    always changing is a good thing?
The so called "comfort zone"
    is not always the place to leave
The "challenge zone" can happen
    within "comfort zones"
Many things could, should, would
    change
    --have changed
Inner change leads to outer change
I feel myself changing inwardly,
    both positively and negatively
    both in and out of service
My environment,
    our environment,
effects myself
effects others
    How can it not?
Life
    is a powerful thing
Changing our life is challenging
Too much change at once
    can be negative,
    rather than positive
Personally,
    I will work on developing a
    "comfort zone"
    within the "challenge zones"
        (yes plural)
    I have stepped into
Afterward,
    I will be able to thrive

I'm looking for lyrics to explain my mood
and find that I cannot find them
I need inspiration to help me move
into a new place for my soul
Things happen, things happen
things never slow down
it seems life will always keep moving
But why can't I feel honest
and be honest in saying
the way I am actually feeling
I am ***** and bold
in my mind that is
but my outsides show nothing at all
I want someone to share with
my feelings and yet
I don't want to give myself up
I want innocence and adulthood
all wrapped up in one
I ask myself, is that even possible
Because it seems as though today
in this world I am in
instant gratification is the norm
and innocence is a thing of the past
Why can't I let my feelings show
without turning inward
I cannot let go
of my past

Nerve endings
Tingling
The soft touch
The affect
The feeling
The affection
The physical contact
The friendship
I am falling
                asleep
                      pleasantly

Frustrations
          Moving forward
          Moving backward
          Never-ending
Back
          Present
                         Forward
Back
          Again
          Leaning towards one thing
Dreading
     Leaning away
Why is it so
               difficult

Staring into space
My stomach hurting
And then it clenches
Why does this always happen?
Why can’t I just avoid this and tell myself no?

I want to feel wanted
I want to feel affection
I miss being someone’s special someone
Why, then, does it hurt?
Why am I so afraid?

I’m really afraid
I don’t want to get hurt
I can’t tell if anyone likes me
Or if
I simply think they do
And they don’t

Can there be a tell-tail sign?
That would make things easier
I wouldn’t have to continue
Being confused
And hurt

I’m trying to let go of control
To stop chasing
And, instead
Be chased
Wouldn’t that be wonderful for once?

And yet,
When that potentially happened
It wasn’t the right person
So I walked away from it
Like I should have

And yet,
When that again potentially happened
I tried to show interest
And then I got scared
And I think I ******* it up like I always do

Why can’t it be as easy as
Sitting somewhere, doing my thing
And someone shows interest
Continuously
And I’m interested too

I try to just go with it
But it’s hard sometimes
I get so shy
I try not too
But it just keeps happening

It’s like I can’t have many guy friends
Because I just end up liking them
Which isn’t bad but
It’s usually not reciprocated
And then I just get confused and hurt again

And again
It just keeps happening
And it doesn’t seem
To want to stop
Ever

Can I just magically feel
Self-confident
And not give a ****
About what others think
For once in my life

Not care about being accepted
Not care about being wanted
Find myself
Love myself
For myself

Because right now
I swear I’m having trouble
Loving myself for myself
Accepting myself without someone else
Without someone having me as their own

I know it’s not the worst thing
In the world
But it really hurts me at times
I just want
To have some fun

Yet, I have this thing
Where I really detest leading people on
So it gets in the way of me just
Having fun
With no repercussions

Am I ever going to be able to get over this?
Am I ever going to be able to just let go?
Why is that so hard for me?
To just,
Let go of it all

I know there’s a lot to let go of
But shouldn’t I still be able to
At least let go of
Some of it
At least a little bit

It would be great
If everything would just
Work itself out
And all of a sudden
I’d be happy and stay happy

I miss being continuously happy
So much
I’m still having trouble with that
I just can’t seem to
Grasp that happiness notch

I have my moments
But then something else happens
And it’s gone
It slips away
Just out of reach

I feel like I need help
And yet when I go for help
I no longer need the help
I originally
Went for

It’s tiring
Really
I just want everything to work out
And I know it will
But it’s difficult to believe it at times

I’m really tired
Of all of this
I try to live in the moment
And then
I just stop

I know there are those
Who have it way worse
Because I also know
How truly blessed
I really am

But it’s hard to realize that at times
It’s really hard
Everything was fine
Then everything changed
Everything wasn’t really fine

I just want to scream
To scream and cry
To cry and scream
To release my frustrations
And let them go

They always come back though
No matter what happens
They just always return
And they
Haunt me

the whisper of failure hangs in the sky
her frantically beating chest pounds her breast achingly erratic & raw
they urge the *******
but life crashed & crushes as she screams her head barely above water
woman why should you feel this way they ask
this is your dream
a cry echoes through the cold languid air