Gullibly, I gave you my heart.
Willingly, I gave you my very last breath
I allowed you to come into my world and view my filthy heart on display
Freely for your eyes to wander at
And examine
And I, yet I,
With my trodden heart,
Beg for your mercy
As I give you the very last piece of my soul.

I loved you because your heart sang a song only mine could understand
Your lyrics were made for me
You are the musician
And your heart sings a song only I can hear.

I don't know what to do
My heart is aching
Someone help me
Take this pain away please

You're not an orphan
Both your parents are alive
Yet you act like a victim
And crave sympathy

I remember that night
The night I told you not to kiss my lips
Oh but you found a loophole
You told me your life story
And I felt sorry for you
So much sympathy
You teared up
And then you kissed...
My body...
Every inch of it
But not my lips
Oh no
You kept that promise

And I fell under your spell
The begging in your eyes
For sympathy

The fact that you've tried to **** yourself twice
The fact you come from a broken home
Yet so many people have been good to you
So many have loved you
Yet you are fed from sympathy
You love it
You love to be the victim

A few months down the line
I've loved and loved
And given my all

And I didn't allow you to act as a victim anymore
You can't get away with everything because of your past
That doesn't give you the right to be a miserable human to me
And then the threats came
"You make me want to commit suicide"
After all the love I gave

Victim
That's all you want to be
And that's all you will ever be

I wish you didn't kiss me
I wish we never met

Because I loved you

Hello Poetry,

I haven't spoken to you in quite a while
I've been contemplating
Wondering
Dreaming
Shattered my old dreams
And now i try to salvage the remains

However, I have a question for you...
You, Hello Poetry
You are the only hero to my broken soul
Writing on here is my only outlet
My freedom
My writing dream...
And I ask...
As I contemplate the future
I wish to have one day...
Who are you all?
Who are you?
You brilliant minds...
What careers did you choose to follow?
What made you write?
What created this desire inside you to escape life with writing?
Who made you into a writer?
Books? Influential figures in your life? Moments?Experiences?
What has caused you to have a constant flow of words from your palms?
Who are you?
Are you writers?
Are you artists?

I apologise for these questions...
So demanding and prodding at your lives...

I am merely curious...
You see, I don't want to lose my spark...
The writing spark...
I don't want it to diminish into nothing if I choose a monotonous, boring career...

I just want to know your secret, Hello Poetry...

How do you keep the spark?
Who are you?


My love to all you brilliant writers
Of poetry that soothes my aching heart
In moments of need

God bless.

Eyes, you are worn
And heart, you have stumbled
You need rest, my dear one
You need love and hope
And something to believe in
Hush, my sweet
Soon your dreams will come to life

I seek raw passion
And high romance
I seek a performance on the stage
That is no mere pretence
No, no
I seek me
I see her with no limitations
I seek her passion
And her fervent desire for knowledge and passion
God, what has happened to her?
I do not wish for flames and fury
And anguish and despair
Or vigorous words lashing into the air
No, no
I do not seek to succumb to this baffled nature of merely existing
******!
I want to be filled with a burning blaze
I want my voice to beam
And scream out to every ear that wants it to be heard
And even those who lack the desire to hear me
Will hear my mighty roar!
I will fly out and watch their meek faces
I will be filled with passion again
I wish to see her reflecting in that parallel universe
And breathe her breath of life again
She who believes in daisies and magic
And faery power
Of high romance
Who believed in being in love
So ardently and truly
She was blazing
She was purely beautiful
I seek to be her
I seek her blazing fire
I seek
Her Passion and Romance.

He sleeps on the same side of the bed
As you did
I miss you lying there
Sometimes
But he's there now

He hated that I
Still wore your belt
That I compared him to you
That I begged him not to break me the way you did
The amount of times I'd mention you
The way I thought of you the first time we kissed
The way I didn't delete your photos
The way I hold onto the dead roses
The way I still have your promise ring
The way I'd beg him not to leave the way you did
The way I spoke about you too much
The way you're his best friend
The way I didn't let him end his friendship with you for me
The way I pestered him to see you
The way I was never truly over you
Until now

I miss that shirt
Every
Single
Day
I miss the way it wrapped around me
I miss the way it touched my skin
I miss the way it fit perfectly
I miss the way it was all I needed and more
But I threw it away
Because I didn't care
Because I was reckless and stupid
That was a one of a kind shirt
Something special
To be treasured and loved
And appreciated
But now it's gone
And there's nothing I can do
But mourn at its absense
And regret it
Every
Single
Day.

I love his smile
When it stretches into his eyes
and it's the most beautiful expression he has
When he is truly happy
He smiles like that
As if the world will never end
And there is hope
At the end of the day
When the sun sets.

How dare I?
How dare I live this morbid life for even just a dull second?
How do I rectify my actions?
How can I justify what I have done...

"Living living living"
"Moving moving moving"

But never actually living

I was breathing
Breathing in nothingness
A polluted wasteful breath I had
Because it was a life that was encompassed with doubt
A life that was spent without You in its presence

Oh what have I done?

This is My plea to You

I have slipped away from you
I have allowed myself to drown under their words
And I thought I was breathing
But I was mistaken by the air that had escaped from me

However now
I rise
With gasping breaths
And panting
With Your life in me
my Prince living in my soul

It was if an oracle had come upon me
And I was struck with ideologies and truths
That I could have never imagined would speak truth

I have succumbed to This life
Without You
Without Your Life living in me
I have become so distracted that I have forgotten my deep love for You
Your power that surges through me
That brings an electric current that will not resist its flow

Oh God
My Beloved Prince
You
Who wore the cross and held
my burden on your shoulders
You wore the crown
Made of the rose's one fault
For me
For my disgusting and filthy heart


You fought

For me?


I am merely a weak simple being
And you love every part of me...

I have lived a dull life
A morbid life
And I say how dare I
How dare I...
Live without you.

I need to heal
For real this time
Not with a smart mouth
And a friendship
With flirtatious banter
No that never helped me
How do you heal
When his best friend is desperately in love with you
And acts as your best friend
And leaves you a few months later
Because he rushed into this
And he realizes now you were never ready
But you told him that
You told him that the twenty times he begged you to be his girlfriend
Does no one understand
I was so tired
So tired of the begging
It became so much
I caved
And then it all happened so fast
It's all a blur really
My heart was never in it
He was my best friend
*** felt weird
Everything felt wrong
I guess the hormones were there
But it felt wrong
I'm so insecure
I was never ready
And now he's gone
Because of my insecurities
He promised he'd never leave
He was so in love with me
How does that just change
How
So quickly
Now I'm broken
Broken by my savior
Broken by everything
How do I heal now
How
Someone tell me please
I need answers
That's all
Please
How do I heal?
How do I be my own hero?

How do you say 'I love you'?
I want to say it
At the right moment
At the perfect time

I'm overwhelmed by the love I hold in my heart for you
But I am burdened by the fact that I wait
For an intricate perfect moment

I want it to be special
I want to be filled with an intense desire
To say it
I want it to be romantic

My darling, I can not say it too soon
I am afraid
To give you that piece of my heart
So many pieces have been broken before...

My darling
I adore you

But I want the three words to be uttered
In a sweet, serene moment of purity and innocence
I want to be so consumed by the intense love in my heart
I want it to be raw
I want it to be real
I want you to know that I love you in the purest way

My darling, I want it to be perfect
And my darling
I will wait for that moment
For now, I will allow this love to swell up in my heart
Until I
Am so overwhelmed
That I
Explode
With words
Spoken into
Sweet serene air
And doe eyes
That reflect
Our endearing love.

I will say it
I will say
*I love you.

Do you think
There's a possibility
I can forget him?
Can he stop running through my mind?
Can he stop?

Do you think you'll ever forget your first?
Do you think there's a possibility his words will stop running through your mind?
Is there a way that I can stop comparing to my first... To the way he touched me... The way he enchanted me...
My first...
You were the first to awaken...what is truly inside me
You fingers grazed my body... first
Your lips touched mine... first
You wisked me away... first
You made me fall in love... first

o God,
Sometimes I miss you
This week I miss you...

God, can I just forget him...

I am trying to learn how to love you again
Although I know it to be true in my heart
I can not put my deep emotions into play
As an actress on the stage

Help me to love you tenderly
Guide me as to how I should hold your heart
In my palm? At the tip of my fingers?
Do I caress it with sweet lips and a silent kiss?

Show me how to love you
Without haste
With a shuddering embrace
I am in your sweet maze

Of solitude
It was once
Yet now I am here
And I feel home

Like a place I have searched for all eternity
I have found my sweet sanity
The place I have longed for
My Haven, my home in your heart...

But, dear, show me how to love you
I want to take your fears away
Show me how I should....
Take me to your maze

As I get lost
In your love
And learn how to give you
My embrace .

Humanity is an absolute mess
You work so hard
And they destroy every piece of
The world you love
They destroy your green
They destroy your gardens
They destroy your childhood and your innocence

Today he destroyed my childhood
You took out my fond memories
You tore gashes into my tender skin
You made tears rip from eyes
And drench the pages
In my books

I cried

I could not be strong
When humanity is so vile and wicked
I could not be strong

Drenched in tears
I sit
I weep
I scream
I swear and I cuss
At this humanity
This terrible humanity
That put such a vile taste in my mouth

Humanity
Get out
Humanity
Leave me
Humanity
I detest you

I regret your decisions
Do not tell me
'it will get better'

I hate you Humanity
As you destroy my youth
My innocence
You plagued me with your being

Get out.

I do not enjoy this
This cracked, mutilated heart of mine
I feel defiled
By humanity
By death
By cruelty
By the harsh truth of man
I am merely a child
I was once effervescent
And excitement bubbled through my spine
Yet now
I am struck with tears
An infinite tug at my eyelids
Ready for the tears to spill out
Of this dead Sea that floods my soul
I have no words
I have been mutilated
I have been defiled
I am deranged
By humanity
And their pull at my soul
The pressure of their rocks
On my navel
Is too great
And soon...
The blood will spill
And my heart's dreams
Will die
A fatal death.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so freaking sorry
I'm sorry for ******* us up
I'm sorry for being such a mess then
I'm sorry for making you not feel like a man
I'm sorry for begging so many times
I'm sorry that I made you stop believing in love
I'm sorry that we stopped trying
I'm sorry you fell out of love with me
I'm sorry for everything I said that hurt you
I'm so sorry
I truly I am
Please know I mean it
Please

I cried the day
When I met you
Because I couldn't believe God put you into my life
He put you into my life
When I was broken. When I had been beaten to a pulp
And burnt in the ashes
And God put you in my life
And you took me out
Oh, so elegantly, love
You twirled me around
And danced with me
You knew what melody to play my heart
You knew how to make her happy
And I cried
Because I had found sanity
I found inspiration
I was passionate about life again
Because of you

And now
I cry
I cry into my pillow
Tears that are searching
Begging
Pleading
For an answer from God
Pleading for him to answer the question
As to why He'd put such a gem in my life
If he knew you'd break me
If he knew you'd take my heart
And throw it to the ground
Without a care
However I hold on
Because you were my hero
When I felt like nothing
When I felt as if
I could never make a difference in the world.
And now, God, I ask you
Why do I cry
Why am I gasping for air
Pleading
Why
Why did you put this in my life
If you knew it would end in strife
Why am I on the floor
Crying
Begging
God, oh, God
Tonight I will cry
For my heart is sore
And I don't know who will bring the sword
For this girl
For this pathetic girl
Who too easily
Gave her heart.

Sometimes I miss you baby
I miss your touch
I miss your arousal with my body
I miss your lips
But baby, that's it
I don't miss the screaming
I don't miss the weekly tears
I don't miss my heart constantly feeling broken
I don't miss you words breaking me down
I don't miss you
Yet, I miss the old you
The You who could ****** me
Ever so easily

I don't think you forget the day You meet the love of your life...
I don't believe that yearning disappears
It stays
It's deepens a part of you that can't be withdrawn
And you succumb to this withdrawal
To being totally overtaken and consumed by this love...

I remember it so clearly...
Our eyes met and I recall his were filled with mischief
While mine glowed with an air of bewilderment at this treasure I had found...

I don't think you forget the feeling of falling in love

Ever so softly
You let yourself collapse into love's arms

And that is precisely what I did...
On meeting, I had fallen into his arms
Gratitude to my 6 inch heels I hadn't imagined being that uncomfortable...

But he caught me, ever so swiftly...

And I don't think you can forget such a violent heated meeting
Smiling up at him
At his charming smile
Due to the fact that he just saved you from utter disaster and embarrassment...

Oh, but I embark on this journey...
Of love...
Of this meeting that has led us so far
And I embrace this love
Wholeheartedly
Nothing could compare to such a feeling
Of love
Of us
Of he and I


You see...
I don't think that feeling ever disappears
After the first meeting.
For me, it has grown ever since
My love for him
And I yearn
For it to continue on and on...

I had never thought that a single person's mere presence
Could mean so much
That he could fill up such a large part of my heart
I had never known that I could sit beside you
Watching you genuinely smile
As the show plays before your eyes...
Could be the most perfect sight

Is this what love is?
Where one looks upon another with such adoration
You see his faults and his scars and his cracks
And you fill every one with your tender love...
You try...
You caress his heart sweetly and you love every part of him
You love the way he knows every super hero and adores each one
You love the way his arrival at your door is accompanied by a 'hello sweetie' that makes your heart flutter
You love every obsession he has
You love reading his writing
You love his unique way of writing,
A piece of him on a page
You love watching him on fire with passion
You love the way he makes you laugh as if that laugh echoes throughout the world to hear
You love his laugh
It creates such a warm fire inside of you when it is heard
You love his green eyes that ignite a fire in your heart when you gaze deeply into them
His pupils that dilate so serenely
The way he always falls in love with your eyes
You love his lips
You love innocently holding his hands
You love the way his hands caress your back as you walk
A feeling of safety and purity
You love his hugs
And never want him to leave
You love the way he holds you and you feel home

I do wonder if this is love
This smile that never wants to disappear
This heart that has been healed by him

I wonder if this is love
Because I'm In love with this feeling...
I do hope it is 'love'...

Drowning

beneath a sea
of tears

from dreams
put to a

*silent death.

I feel sad today
Morbid
Do I have anything to offer
I think of everything you said about me
How you broke my trust
I hate me
So much

I have no words for what I am feeling
I am in a bad place
My heart constantly aches
I have an urge to cry at every moment of every day
I have no words
I am empty
Yet filled with so much anguish and despair
I am empty
Void
Fills my heart
Passion no longer exudes from my spirit
I am contemplative
I am confused
I am distressed
About every **** thing going on
I have no words
I have no words
I have no words

Yet here words stand
On my page
Yet my lips stay shut

I have no words.

I don't want you to be
The inspiration for any of my poems anymore
You don't deserve that
You never deserved that privilege

I never thought
I'd appreciate home so much...
The last time I was home
I was packing up for res
and had long hair
and life was normal.

The saddest,
most dramatic thing that happened
thus far was a stupid heartbreak
and I thought the was
the end of the world.

Then I got back to res
and I felt strange

My diagnosis happenened
and life changed completely
after a man
uttered three words into my life
that changed my life
into a series of
hurdles and challenges
and life completely changed
Nothing was normal anymore
Life's focus completely changes
and home is
a far, distant concept
unknown to you.

Home became a bubble
Home becomes a hospital room

I never knew
I missed my own bedroom so much
God, you never appreciate something until it's gone
do you?
You don't appreciate anything
until you hear
"you have cancer"
and your greatest fears come to life

You see your parents beg to God you'll live
You don't want to see them
because you don't want
reality to hit you

Then, you get home
and you have to
come out of this daze
This is real
This is happening

Cancer is so real
and in your face
You can't avoid it anymore
This happened
and you can't stay
in this little positive bubble
for too much longer

The bubble has burst
and reality has hit you
right in the face.

This happened.
But, you're surviving.

I miss her again
******!
She has stifled her voice again
And why?
What has happened to her?

I miss myself
She loved poetry
She indulged in language
She sang sweet tunes
She had a muse

But now she is sad
Her heart is broken
And she wanders

She believed God heard her
She had a definition for her life

But now she is lost
Am I even seeking her anymore?

I miss you
Every single day
I can't help it
I'm realizing now
I never appreciated you
You were so good to me
And I gave you hell
Because I wasn't ready
I miss you more than anything

I need advice
This line keeps running through my Mind
And I can't seem to look at him the way I used to Anymore
He used to love me, you know
He used to be so in love with me
I used to be so overwhelmed
By how much he couldn't get enough of me
He was passionate about us
About making God the centre
About having a Godly love
Patient, kind...
The cliche Bible love
You promised
You promised you would love me

But a few months down the line...
You've seemed to change your mind
You don't want me anymore
You don't need me
I have no appeal in your life
I've given every piece of myself to you
Lost my innocent heart
That was so pure
A blinding white
But you've defiled my heart
And now it is stained
Pitch black
My mouth that was witty
And would speak purely and softly
Has turned into a sailor's mouth
I don't know what I've become
I honestly don't
And I've changed so much
And now you don't want this...
This creature you've created
Whose eyes are always reddened
Constantly tear stained
With a vulnerable broken
Black heart
Impure
Defiled
Broken

I'm not happy anymore
In this
In us

I miss God

I miss loving
With real passionate love

You're not in love with me anymore
This defiled creature...
Insecure.

Every time I look in your eyes
As we-

I hesitate

I mean
I
As... I try to fix us
As I try to look at you with love
All I hear when I look at you is...
"I'm not in love with you anymore."

I think it's insane
How one single human being
Can make or break you

I'm scared
Of everything
I'm so scared of the reality of all this
Can I just avoid it please

My hip is sore
Maybe that's what's triggering this
It's making it real
The pain is reminding me
That's what's going to tell me
the truth

If I'm ok or not

Please let me be ok
Please

I'm really scared

I realise how alone I am...
How no one actually cares
He doesn't care
He never cares
He goes along life
Smiling eyes
Heart on his sleeves
Tranquil
And I sit here tormented by my demons
Tormented by my insecurities
By the shrivelled girl
Who sits weakly in my heart
Whimpering
Begging for someone to love her
For the right type of love
For someone to speak her love language so effervescent whispering
Passionately love her
Want her
Need her
She wants to be a priority
She wants to be a part of your life
Don't you get that?

He says he'll change
He says he cares
Ha
Ha
Ha

Empty promises
And the days go on
And she wanders
What the hell is she doing...

I think I need to be alone

I miss that feeling
Of being in love...

I am feeling inspired
By everything
My fingers are itching to write...
To blurt words from my fingertips
Nagging to scratch paper
With my sighing pencil...

However, I am longing for my muse

I feel it inside me
Inspiration...
Lightly bubbling
Begging to burst
Yet staying a light
Tingling
Nothing major...
Just a slight something.

Yet, I feel uninspired
I'm not sure how to make sense of if
I feel as if I am in the darkness
Trapped by my heartache
They say that heartache creates the best ink, it scribbles and scratches and begs to be let out of one's heart
It wants to tell its story
It longs for them to hear
About your sweet misery...

But, today, I am feeling uninspired
My muse has disappeared
Because my muse was you...

And maybe I need to find a new inspiration...
A new muse
A new piece of art
To wonder at
And disect my claws into.

But for now
I will feel inspired by everything,
Yet, also Uninspired...

I spoke of you today
And that woman in the red, purring dress
You've got her now
You don't need me and my spirituality
You don't need my heart
You don't need my firm, yet loving glance
You don't need me in your life
And that is something I must come to accept
That you are gone
You will never love me
For I was something materialistic to you
Something unfathomable to your simple mind
I wanted more than a superficial glitz
A flirty fun deal
No I wanted your soul
I loved your soul
I fell do deeply in love with it
And I cannot bear to tell you
That my soul still yearns for you
She searches for those Brown eyes
That she loved so dearly...
So I succumb to my futile thoughts
Those tonight's thoughts of loving you once again
But I squandered
I was mistaken
And now I am left
With am emptiness
A pit
A soul that yearns for yours
Because today, I spoke of you
Once again.

It feels like home
In your arms
It feels real
There is no lust
We are happy
A real happy
We are
In love

It's you...
When I'm alone at night and I can't seem to breathe
It's you
When I can't see between the blur of tears
It's you
When I can't feel my feet
And I feel like I'm flying
It you
When I can't seem to see behind the waves
It's you
When I'm cold and alone and no one loves me anymore
It's you
When I'm angry and I can't place any of my thoughts
It's you
When I need a calm place
It's you
When I need to smile
It's you
Who lights up my eyes
It's you
Whose made me dream in colour again
It's you...
It's you.
It's always been you.
You calm the storm and you make me
Me.

I used to be a writer
I used to write about things that mattered
I used to write about my country
I used to write about the cry of its heart
I used to write about abuse
I used to write about those who suffer loss and pain
I used to write
I used to write about more than broken men who broke me
I used to write about life
I used to be happy
Before men came and defiled my pure heart
I used to mean something
I used to be a writer

I want to thank you
For allowing my eyes
To look into yours
I want to thank you
For spewing out words
Of intellectual understanding
Of passionate phrases and
Allowing me to glance at a page
In your novel
I want to thank you
For taking this half-fledged thing
And subtly teaching her
I want to thank you
For taking her heart
With a grip so tight
Dissecting it
Pulling this pulsating heart apart
Tearing it
Mutilating it
Yet, in a way,
Fixing it.
Your mutilation carving such beauty into her again
I want to thank you
For giving her life again
For allowing her heart to beat steadily again
For inspiring this half-fledged thing
To fly again

You see, I want to thank you
For the pain you've caused,
Yet also for the life you've put inside of me
She's hated you
She's absolutely despised you
Yet, I want to thank you
For fixing my morbid heart.

Do you remember baby?
I was your Harley
You were my Joker
And how true we were
To that analogy
The desire was real
The lust
The passionate love
Oh and the abuse
That was real too
The emotional abuse
The verge of physical abuse
Yes baby
You were my Joker
And I was your
Endearing
Obedient
Little Harley

"Drive baby drive."

I dreamt of you again...
I don't know why
I thought you were gone
Stupid thoughts
I'm such a mess

I hate my dreams
You're everywhere
There's hope in my dreams
In my dream, you were hostile at first
But then you picked me up
And I cried
And you told me you still love me
And then I woke up
And life came crashing down
It was just a dream baby girl
Stop hoping

I detest you
Your visage carved into my mind
Burning in flames of hatred
As you allowed my heart to bleed
In a chasm filled with
Skeletal remains and disparaged carnage

There was a war here
In this very heart...  

It was once a place of sweet melodies
Soft voices uttered from our very lips
As your aesthetics gave me a sense of renewal
And I discovered the beauty of your visage
As you made me feel like me again

But now, I sit.
Surrounded by flames
And Skeletal remains
Of a battle that was...
Won?
A battle I condemned myself to
And my fate was unraveled from the coil
As I begged you not to leave me
I begged you to sing to me once more
Our strange duet
A melodious clamour...
A hush
A kiss
Our lips so perfectly inclined

And then you left so swiftly
With my heart in your hands
Without a memory of me
Because I was just another melody...

Please don't tell me you love me
So soon
I'm afraid
That you
Will fear
My darkness

Hidden within.

Kiss me and don't go
never leave me
grip onto my back the way
    you grip onto this reckless heart.