I haven't been here in a while
It's musty
Old
A few cobwebs in sight...

Chained
I see her eyes
Empty and forlorn
She cowers
And screeches my name
Loud

"traitor"
"you left me here alone. To salvage for my self."

My eyes cast downwards...
I approach her
Her naked body bruised

She bites and lashes
Screams
Wails

Her body grey from time

I unchain her

She approaches me and straddles me

"I'm sorry" I whisper,
Tears on the verge of being spilt
Wait at my eyelids

And she stares
In wander
In anger
In peace.

I stare up at Myself
Quietly
And I weep.

Oh, God
Why, God, must this heart never heal
Take this pain
Take it
I do not want this heart
It burns
And it aches
And it bleeds
With envy, callous mind and no real being
I want to be numb
Let me have one last sip
Alas, the bottle is empty
And I am left
With this hopeless feeling
I can not escape.

Will I ever be good enough for anyone?

A week ago
I was lost and afraid
Scared of the word cancer
Leukemia uttered into the air
That this is my life now

Crazy how life can change from one word

Now
I have Faith
I am trusting God
This is my journey back into His arms
This is me realising my name is engraved in the Palm of His Hand
And God has a purpose
He is a good Father
Who does not abandon his children
I am carrying faith in Him
I am staying positive
Because God has got this
God is in complete control
And I trust Him
With this diagnosis

Candle, candle
Burning bright
Rain, rain
Give me a fright
I see you, candle
Dancing in the wind
Competing with the rain
Competing with the wind
I see you twirling around, my dear
I hear the blinds bashing against the window
I hear you beating on the roof
Rain, rain
Roaring
Singing in the night
Someone come save me
On this stormy night...
Candle, candle
Burning bright.

I don't think cheating men
ever understand
the wrath and turmoil
they've caused
inside a woman's heart.
That a weak apology
via another party doesn't cut it..
That it hurts.
That sometimes
life doesn't go on.
The feelings stay.
The hurt lingers.
And when she thinks back in you
All there is is hurt
No soft fond memories
Just hurt
Pain
Betrayal
And fear
She fears to ever trust again...
She fears to trust the man
Who stands before her
Begging for her heart
Begging to love hwr aching soul
Yet she is afraid
She is afraid
Because of you
You ****
You cheating man
The pain you've caused
And this never ending turmoil in her heart

Christmas spirit, where have you disappeared to?
I remember as a child
Awaiting the day
With so much delight and excitement within my heart
The night before
Sneaking outside to leave a few carrots for the reindeer,
A special plate of biscuits left
Beside the Christmas tree
For dear Santa Clause
And making a bet
With my best friend
Protesting that Father Christmas was real
And that I'd stay up until 12
To see the red cloak
Come to sight
However,
To my dismay
I could not stay up so late
And so I awoke
Alas, not beside the Christmas tree
Where I fell asleep
In sweet reverie
No, in my bed
With a million
Dazzling thoughts
Running through my head

And then a thought
Today was Christmas
And Santa obviously would've come
And so I rushed
Rushed to my precious green tree
To find presents just for me
And I'd unwrap
Without a glance at the card
Seeing my mother's gaze
And her sweet smile
As I giggled at the gifts
Like a giddy clown

Excitement
Chatter
Joy and love
These are the perfect words
I remember
Of the Christmas
I once knew and loved

But, now the reverie has seemed to pass
Where's the Christmas spirit gone?
For now I am an adult
and I must behave like one
"You can't believe in such foolery anymore, young one"

Christmas used to be exciting
Something I'd look forward to all year
However, now I sit with the memory etched in mind
And I wonder
What on earth has become of the Christmas cheer?
For now I sit at family gatherings
Eat, drink and-
And
And
that's it.

I miss my childhood
Where I believed in everything
Myths were real
And the stars knew everything
They knew it all
I believed in the second star to the right
In magic and in flight

But for now I sit
And I ponder about
The long forgotten Christmas spirit.

Church bells scream out to my lonely heart
Melancholic
Alone

Conflicted, Confused and Contemplating all I knew
Is how you left me
Because you healed me
You loved me
Is what I thought
But now I am filled with wrought
I dread the day I see you again
Because I don't know where to begin
You lead me down a sweet, silent path
Where you mended my wounds and fixed every scar
You distracted me from the world unknown
And you took me away to somewhere over the rainbow
I think I always will love you
And I hate that you have that grip on me
My first love
Blocked me from your life
And everlasting strife
You've deleted me from your words, your page
Does anger even have an age?
For I never know
When I will feel good again, when I will forget
The day you took my heart
Held it in your palm
And ripped in every scar...
I forgive you.
I loved  you.
I hate you.
But you will always be dear to me
In this conflicted place in my heart
Filled with confusion
Contemplating what I once knew....

"Do you know what your problem is?"

"What is my problem? Do tell me."

"You don't understand the raw beauty of your soul. You're so caught up in trying to convince others to find their passions yet you don't allow yourself that privilege... To discover yourself. You're lost. You're on this hopeless trail of your own and you're disregarding yourself. You're allowing your passion to die inside yourself as you convince others to ignite theirs. What is wrong with you? You're this raw beautiful thing and you're letting your passion die. Don't let it die. Find it and resuscitate that whining child inside... Breathe into those dead, dry bones and live. Be passionate. Ignite."

I hope you know
You'll always be known
As the guy
Who made his parents break up with me
Because you were a coward
People scoff at this story
Because it's unbelievable
Truly

You coward
You pathetic
Drunken
Coward
I hate you
You promised to love me
I gave you my all
I gave you my body
My heart
Everything I am
And now you run away
You *******
You coward
You disgust me
With the persona you put up for me
I hate you

I'm searching for that ***** in your armor
The gap that my rays of sun beams can collide into
I want my atoms to surge through you
I want you to bask in my rays of yellow

I am searching for a mere gap
A space
A crack
A tiny place
For my love to crawl into

I want to prowl into your dark cave
Through that crack in the strong bouldering rocks
I step into your cave
And I hear a dripping
Drip drip drip
Of the night before when it rained
And I see the serenity in your eyes as you bask in the glory of the loneliness of that symphony
Of the rain song

You love the rain

My love, I am inside now
You can't get rid of me
I'm trapped because those cracks
Will not allow me to dissolve myself into nothingness
I can not merely dive into that sea of nothingness you wish for me to go to
You do not wish for me to slowly drown to sleep in that deep abyss
Of the horrors of what I am to discover
In your cave
In that ***** I came in through
That crack

My sun beams can not dissolve
I am here
To stay

And I will never escape

The only way to gain your sanity
Is to break down those cascading walls
Hammer down every stone in that Deep dark cave
In your abyss
Allow every piece of my sun beam to come into you
And we will carve out this wall
We will do it side by side

I am not afraid of your darkness
I am here to love you  
Break down those walls
I am here.

Do you hear me this morning?
Do you hear me this dawn?
I am singing a new song
I am shivering from the morning cold, but this sweet light is what draws me in
I am awakening the creatures beside me
I am lighting up their cages
The trees are the greenest green
And the sky is a beauteous blue
The air is fresh
And my heart feels anew

Do you hear me at dusk?
I am tired of this day.
It is time for me to wish you goodnight
And I sing my goodbye song
They all come to their homes
In this twilight

I refuse to live a morbid existence
I refuse to be told to "let it go"
I will enjoy this euphoria while it lasts
For I am a crepuscular being.

As the needle hit my skin
I flashed back to 6 months ago
The first blood test
The day before I was diagnosed
As I cried
I couldn't stop crying
As I begged the nurse to pray for me
I begged and I begged God
That it wouldn't be true
I begged

I was normal then
I wasnt crooked
I guess there really is something wrong with me now
I'm traumatized
My mind isn't mine anymore
It's been defiled by cancer
By the experiences
And the fear of death
Just hearing it sends me to tears
I can't shake the feeling
That I merely escaped
Death

I'm a crooked little girl now
Bent by cancer
Skewed by pain
Pierced by constant needles
And traumatized

Pain lurks in every Crack and crevice of my mind
I'm damaged now

I'm not me anymore, am I?
I don't even find this crooked girl beautiful anymore
I hate the mirror
I hate this crooked girl I look at
Her eyes scream
She's not innocent anymore
She reeks of pain
She's crooked

Dear Day 12

You come again to me
Piles of writing at my feet
A sweet serene moment is unable to submerge
From your strong triumphant malicious glory
Work...
You do not allow my eyes to rest...
My body to slumber
Or my heart to feel at peace.
Work...
You are my greatest enemy
And you rule me
Every day is paved by you
You mold me
You've become all I am
And I rue the day you came into existence
For now I sit here
With my hand stained with ink
Eyes on the verge of tears
And I still carry on
With no sleep, no sleep...

With love
From the  girl who hates your name

Day 12...
My hands scribble your name with hatred and
A heart filled with anxious betrayal.

What a daze she was in...
Wasn't it all just a dream?
Take me back to carefree times
where no ties were made
and friendship was free,
feelings were buried
and love was slow.

I thought
I should throw away those roses
You gave me
The dead ones
That I've kept for a year now
I thought it would be really empowering
Maybe I'd let go
But then I didn't throw them away
And they're still sitting in my room
Dead
Just like us

Dear You

You were my best friend. I trusted you and I loved you. You nestled your way into my life so easily. We clicked. We laughed.

And then it changed.

You developed feelings. I remained the same. I told you to bury them and I wish you kept them buried. I wish you never fell in love with me. It scared me. I was so vulnerable. I was never ready for love.

You were my best friend and what hurts more right now is that I've lost my best friend. I've lost your trust. I've lost you.

I wish we had stayed best friends and I wish you were satisfied with that. I wish we never went on that holiday. I wish I never got drunk and kissed you. I wish that we could just be best friends. I wish. I wish.

But all that is broken now, isn't it?
And wishes don't come true.

I hope someday you can look me in the eyes and see what you've done to me. I hope you heal. I hope I do too for real this time...
I hope one day we could be friends. I don't know.

I loved you, but we both know it was the wrong time for both of us. It was wrong timing. I believe you should've waited for me to heal properly. I don't know.

But you resent me now and our memories mean nothing to you now. Those memories meant the world to me. And I don't know what to do with these thoughts.

Anyway, I hope you heal.

Love
Elizabeth

A moment when you watch someone die
Is a moment filled with desperation and heartache
You are numb
You are suffering
Because you waited for her to die
You watched as all the numbers decreased
You watched as her heart beat stopped and her breathing ended
You watched as it all turned 0
You watched her die
You watched the colour disappear from her face
Her rosy cheeks into a pale pale yellow
She is gone
But oh how she died
How she died
With such love surrounding her
As we waited for you to go to Heaven
To meet Jesus
There were threads of love surrounding your body
As you breathed
With that **** machine
A hand on each leg
A hand holding each of your hands
Enveloped with warmth and love
As your husband sincerely stroked your head
You were in a room encompassed with love
We adored you my dear
My beautiful ouma
We loved you so much
And now I say
No more Sunday visits
That God, why did I ever dread?
God, I want her back
I know I am selfish
But I loved her Care and absolute adoration for me
Everyone keeps telling me how much she loved me
I remember her lips mouthing
'Ek is lief vir jou skat'
And that will be my memory of her
Rosy cheeks
Blue eyeshadow
And honesty that you thought you despised but actually adored
The most honest person I know
How I will miss you, my love
I want you to know that you are so loved
And I pray that those tears I saw in your eyes
As you died
Were tears of courage and strength and bravery
As you faced death
As he came in like a thief in the night
And took you away
Before you died
We each said we loved you
We were desperate
We screamed out prayers for God to take you away peacefully
You cried
You weeped, my love
As you said
Your last goodbye.

Dementia
Stop romanticising It
It isn't sweet and lovely
Like the notebook describes
It's real
And it smells like
Dull paint drying on the wall
Especially when he's alone
And there's no one to hold him
It's loneliness
Confusion
And sickness
Encompassed into one
Sick Dab of paint

Oh, how you broke me
Eyes of a demon
Hands of a lover
Whispers of intricacies unknown
O my, how you'd make me feel inside...
Intimate
And whisper, O I love you my dear

Oh, demon eyes,
How did I not know?
That you would bring me to my downfall...
How you would break me...
How you made me replace love with lust

Oh, demon eyes
All I saw was that pretty innocent face
And I loved,
Oh how I loved you

Demon eyes,
Stay away
You are nothing to me now
You are no one.

Why did you do it
You ruined me today
You've blocked me completely
Except Instagram
And today you double tapped
On a picture of me
Which I knew you'd like
Because I have a high Pony tail
And gym clothes
A total turn on for you
And I can't seem to breathe
Just a "like" on social media
And now I'm a wreck
How do you have this effect on me
I hope you dream of me tonight
I hope you can't stop thinking about me
I hope
You come back

Today I had an emotional breakdown
In front of a thirteen year old
I told her that I just wanted to run away
That I experienced the feeling
Drapetomania
An overwhelming urge to run away
I declared that all I wanted to do with my life
Was to live in a cottage with the Love of my life
Read books and live serenely
I don't want stress
I don't want this terrible nonsense
Called 'matric'
And to beg for bursaries from the man with money
For a job I may not even enjoy
I just want to be happy
I want to be loved
I want to caress the world with my writing in books
And touch individuals with profound poetry
Why must I go on with stress
Why oh why
Must life for an eighteen year old be
Oh so difficult
I just want to be happy
I want to run away
To my cottage in the mountains
Where my quiet symphony reigns.

And so I sit in my box
My life planned out for me
Every footstep paved for me
My eyes are morbid, still
I have no dream
It is dying slowly
This colourful life I invisioned for myself
Is slowly, ever so quietly
Becoming nothingness
My dream is dead
My eyes no longer light up with passion
This it what I am

Let's go drinking together
Let's get intoxicated together, as you say
We'll get mildly drunk
But I'll be drunk on you
You'll be drunk on me

I'll drink you dry
Like a fountain of youth
We'll indulge in sweet wines
And strong aromatic flavours

Oh my love
Let's get intoxicated
Let's lose our minds
Let's lose our wits
And become insane

I'll become that pleasant person I become
This confident ecstatic girl who doesn't give a ****
She lives freely

Perhaps
I am unwise to say so
To say we should
Drink

Because I get drunk on you
Like a rustic Cabernet
Like a scorching Gluwyn in my throat
My mind becomes hazy
And I don't think about anything that could go wrong
Oh how I adore that feeling

When I
Am
With
You,

I drink.

You were my drug
I let go of you
I no longer felt the need
For your flavour
The high you gave me...
But I relapsed.

I'm so drunk right now
You were the only thing that
Used to sober me up
Haha I remember our drunken first kiss
F###
I hate you
I want to text you
Say that I f###ing miss you
Oh God
Sober me up
Before I do something stupid
Or let me fall away to sleep
Drunken headache
Oh give me strength

Enchant me
Beguile me
Take me to a place no man has ever been
Take me away on a magic carpet ride
Show me the world
Be my prince
Take me into a land of faes and fairy wonders
Take me away...
And I will never come back
Take me to the second star to the right...
Make me a princess
Enchant this damsel in distress
You heroic knight in shining armour
Give me your handkerchief and recite a poem for me
Pick up my glass slipper in distress as I run from the ball to my pumpkin carriage
Take me away to wonderland
And lead me on trails I can never find again
Crown me Princess of Narnia
Lead me into a wardrobe of wanders
Enchant me
Beguile me
Take me away...

I wonder if I could ever
Dive into the sea
Dive into that pool of mystery
And never return
Wander into the abyss
Discover treasures of the world unknown
My secret place
I wonder these thoughts
Ever so Solemnly
Quietly
On my own.

I am standing upon the
Thinnest
Most fragile
Layer of ice

And I walk
Slowly
Ever so softly

But I hear a the slightest whisper
And I hear a
Crack

I stumble
And my pristine ice
Is broken

Like this facade...
Close to breaking
Just from a mere whisper.

You told me you fake confidence
Just how you faked loving me

Is there
Something wrong with me?
Why is it so easy
To fall out of love
With me?

Bravery and courage
Lingers
In her gaze

She is stronger
Than mountains to face
Than any tragedy that hits
Her heart is faint,
But she will survive this storm

You realize it when you
See her
Fiery eyes.

There's something so eloquent
About the first time
You hear a song
You focus
You listen
To every word
Your mind does not falter
You remain attentive
Throughout
A duration
Up to 4 minutes perhaps
240 seconds
And you remain still
Soaking in every word she sings
Every chorus
You concentrate on
You reflect on each line
Every pronunciation
Of each word
You feel her pain
You surrender to the hurt
Inside your heart
And you allow her to tend
To your wounds that
You tried to weave back
Her graceful words
Tear open your sore wound
She snips apart those perfect stitches
That took you so long to weave into your tender skin...
And you open your soul to her words
Her words embrace your heart
And you allow yourself to delve into the forgotten pain
That allows itself to reminisce
In your heart
You think of every word he uttered
Every possible thing that ever made you smile...
And then you embrace the pain...

'Now, baby, how can I forget your love?'

Every word
She enunciates
Is so profound
As she leaves
Her lyrics
Braded around your heart
Carefully sketched as part of your soul

And you remember
That first time
You allowed her
Musical breeze
To touch your wounds...

Every word.
Every musical sound.
A mantra left within.

I've realized
That I have something to thank you for
You built me up again
After he broke me
You made me better
You made me love me again

I recall that I had forgotten his abuse
I had disregarded it and
I had looked upon his pros
And i understand now how that must have made you feel
You knew how broken I was
And you built me up
And yet I still seeked him

Oh baby
I am so sorry
Please forgive me

What would be wrong
If I
Forgave him
For all the lies...
For touching her lips instead of mine...
What would be so wrong with that?

O God
Take this pain

I loved him in his fragility...
I basked in this beauty of the morn
Of he and I
In perfect serene
This place where time stood still
And I realise
Just how dear he is to me
I love him.

"That was a futile event"
My best friend glanced to me
And smirked
At the usage of such a unique
And powerful word.
The actual usage of words we've learnt
The brilliance and the beauty
Of our pure, defining English class

Her lectures pay off.

My vocabulary lengthens
My thirst for language is left unquenched
My throat is dry
And I long for the touch of linguistics upon my being
I am in love with it
This English language
The superiority of its brilliance
The superb accuracy of its words to a feeling
My sense of nostalgia when I remember I dear word
My heart on fire to learn more of its beauty

I am in  love
In love  with words
In love with their taste
And the vocabulary
Their brilliance
And the words I use
That are often not as futile
As they seem,
Just momentarily.

It's like kissing lips
That stand there
Passive and limp
Without a pulse
Without any inclination
To move against my lips
My words are empty
My eyes are drenched with tears
And I am allowing myself
To succumb to this desperate trail of heartache
I do not wish to fight with you
I do not wish to feel anguish
Nor despair
I merely wish to love you
However I wish for you to know that it is hard
It is hard to love someone who does not kiss back
Who sits
And watches me try
And I cry silently, my Love
Praying you'll notice these tears dripping down...
And God, the futility of This act is much too raw for me to bare
God, my attempt to love...
Give me something back.

To love and be loved in return must truly be
a gem
A gift to cherish on to
For it happens so
Rarely
One must hold onto it
If you are one of the lucky few.

I give you my all.

You leave me
With
Nothing
In my trembling hands.

My darling, you've proven me wrong
Humanity is actually one big mess
The way I am
Now that you really are

Gone.

You were a mistake
I hope you know that
I regret you
It was a facade
The "healing"
You're his **** best friend
I should have trusted my gut
The day you went out with him
And it broke me
I decided to end my friendship with you
I knew it wasn't healthy to have you
In my life
Everything about you reminded me of him
I don't want anything to do with you ever again
You are unhealthy
And my life is so much better without you
My heart doesn't ache for you
Or him
You see, every time I kissed you I thought of him
Everything you said reminded me of him
He was the center of our conversation
It wasn't healthy
Never
So this is my goodbye
Goodbye Greene

My newfound life beckons me and it whispers my name so enchantingly
I am beguiled by its eyes that stare at me
I am surrounded
Her scream is Deafening as I stand here surrounded by profound
and rough brick walls
I am someone lost
I have been filled with melancholy much too long
and I say no
I say no to melancholic withdrawal
This is my life
And I will break free of this depression...
This black pit and abyss of doom...
For I see light
A light so bright and blazing
I am bewildered by the haze
but it fuses and it beckons
I am dumbfounded by myself
and the life I have misled
Whilst I sit here, I hear my future screeching and humbly whispering...
Whilst I hear the scraping desks and the monotonous drone of footsteps,
I see my future bright and clear...
Perhaps I am a writer.
Perhaps I am a helper.
Perhaps I am a success
or I may fall sometimes...

My life seems cataclysmic
and I no longer wish to be lost
I wish for inspiration to enter my lungs
and to thirst for passion in every single day
I wish for my words to be potent and powerful
I wish to be an enigma for the world to explore
I no longer want to suffer from nostalgia for my former self
I will not stifle her passion

She is a writer.
She is a teacher.
She is a helper.
She is a dreamer of dreams.

She will stand before a sea of green someday and she will teach the young minds.
She will inspire.

I will walk out of these doors
slowly and quietly
as my feet
soak in every memory
and every piece
of flesh
that has been moulded and formed
by their touch.
I am me.
I have been made by them.
And I will not forget this building
with its rough, red brick walls
and I will forever hear their motto
clearly in my ears
Echoing and calling me back
Resounding and drumming...

And I will say goodbye...
Goodbye, my alma mater...
As starry vistas lie before my eyes...
Thank you for your wisdom
and your touch on my life.

I hear the cicada
The birds chirping
The breeze

I feel you in this place

The heat is unbearable
And I am suffocating
But the flowers...

There is a scent of you here

I miss you

But there is a stench
An awful terrible something
In the air

The scent of death

And death isn't something beautiful
It's brutal
And painful
And tears at your eyes
As the Tears spill put
Flooding your face.

I hear the cicada
Deafening me
I feel the breeze
Wasting away and

I feel you here
And, God
This isn't easy.

I wake up
Slowly
And I peak out
Into the pale pink light
Outlining the buildings outside my window
I look out at God's work
Bewildered by its glory
And then
Ever so quickly
I drift off back to sleep
After basking in His beauty

I read the poems that
Used to make me ache for you
They comforted me in a time of need
They were part of my healing

I read them again
And I no longer ache as read the words adorning the page
Words of pain and betrayal
And suffering
And I feel nothing

I think I have healed
I hope so

Healing isn't easy
It's not quick
It's a process

Like stitches
Bedded into one's arm
Once out, it stings like hell
But you can breathe  again

But sometimes
Infections brew
And the pain electrifies
It pulsates through your body
And you have to start again

And sometimes you'll
Find away around your scar
You'll touch it
And it will bleed
And it will burn

But one day
One day it won't hurt anymore

However, that scar still stays with you
It's part of you now
The pain that caused it
The frustration of it
It's still there
And it'll stay with you

But remember,
You healed.

Why can my heart never heal
Why does every man break my heart
2 heartbreaks
One year.
I'm waiting for her to break again.
I won't allow it
I refuse to falter to any man's deceptions
I want to be happy
I want to be free
Let go of me.

As I stand
Here
In this Pew,
In this church
Or Perhaps in this school hall
I am granted the ability to
Sing
At the top of my lungs
And I ponder on the meaning
Of worship
Of Praise
As I stand
I watch faces filled with doubt,
Filled with a mesmerised odd
Trance
They do not think of what they utter from their lips
They do not ponder Your Greatness
They stand weakly, hands at their sides
And merely sing
Without a thought in mind
What is worship?
What is praise?
Do we sing with all our being
As we pronounce our Heavenly Father's Holy Name?
Is worship not standing in the throne room
Before our Mighty God, our King, Creator of Heaven and Earth.

We are merely humans
Created by our Mighty Ruler
We stand before the Great I Am
And should we not sing with gratitude?
Should we not sing Praise to the One who made every intricate detail of our being
Our Prince who lives in the Sacred Sanctuary of our hearts...
Do we actually worship?
Lift our Hands as we Praise His Mighty Name
Because we are washed by His Blood
The Blood of Christ
Should we not
Praise him?
Worship him?
And adore Him?
The One who gave us the breath of life.

As I stand here,
I watch
And I ponder,
As you stand in the throne room
Do you worship the King?
Or do you stand meekly
Before the One who created your inmost being?