I'm sick of being sad
I hate it
I hate that you wrenched my heart out
And you don't even give a ****
I hate that I trusted you
I hate that I let you hurt me
I hate that you've mutilated my heart
I am sick of being sad

10 minutes.
I give myself 10 minutes to be sad
To dwell in this
Nostalgic pain
In my despicable melancholy

I have decided to fake it
To throw away this heavy heart
And
To guard my heart in a
secret place
A secret sanctuary
That will wait for a secret symphony
Where no one else can find it
I will speak of love and sweet days
But, I will not give my heart away so easily again
I refuse
I rebuke it

But I will keep this heart safe...
In My
Clean
Pure
Sanctuary
That you blackened...
I am cleaning it
Purifying it of your words
Of all your lies
And I am shaking
For I am cold
From this pain
And your icy, menacing words
Piercing me still...

No! I will cleanse myself
I will dive into a lake
And hold my breath
For as long as I can
To purify my heart

And I choose not to be sad
Because I am sick of being sad
I am sick of this lament song
I keep humming
Quieten down!

You have 19 seconds left
Of being sad
Because you are sick of being sad
You will purify your heart
You will no longer sing your lament song.

10 seconds, my darling
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1

I am sick of being...
Sad?
I will put on my facade
And no one will know
Of my ten minutes
Because I am sick
Of being
Anything but
My happy facade.

Why do you
Still have
This terrible
Hold on Me?

You pushed me away
and I left

Now

I
       Fly.

I miss the you I met on a rainy day.

Relationships ruined us
broke us...
turned into a vicious beings

I miss
             my ex
At least

the abuse
             was
        less

I
wish
he knew
how
much
his words
still
hurt.

The way you

kiss me

sets

my heart

on


          fire.

You never
     wrote about



                 me...
          



                               You never did love me.

Out of the ashes, she will rise shouting her name.

That intricate piece of my heart will always love you.

Love my
                 filthy
                                heart.

Come            to                            me
    
and


               Embrace



                                               Her.

I'm the most beautiful version of myself when with you .

It's 3 am
The air is dark
And I can see the outline of the desk in front of me
It's pitch black around me
And all that crosses my mind are those swirling brown eyes.

I'm worried about you
I don't know why
My phone is off
The power's out and there is no way I can hear your unwavering voice

My mind drifts to the music of your vocal chords
The passionate sound you make as they vibrate
Your voice
The comfort of my heart
My sanity.
I remember how I could listen to you for hours
And you could say absolutely anything. And I'd be absolutely besotted with your voice
You see, you speak with so much passion. No matter what you speak about

I love how you believe in passion.
You believe in it with all your heart

But, I haven't spoken to you in a while now
I miss you. I really do
And I've put my heart on the line
I've given you the power to crush it
To either burn it.
Or pull me out of the ashes I'm breathing in

I've been hurt
I've been burnt
I've been crushed

And I give you my heart, dear
Take it
And run

This is my lament song for you, dear
My sad little song
I will give you a blunt knife with my beating heart
You can either sharpen that knife and allow the blood to spill from its quivering death
Or
And perhaps you will think dumbly of me for having so much hope
Cherish this filthy, gullible heart
And sharpen that knife,
Yes, sharpen it
Carve into my wounds
Dissect my heart
See every cut and scrape
Carve into my wounds
Make it yours
Make it your artwork, dear
Make her into Your Warrior

I've given you so much power
And I believe that it will be the ***** in my armor
this carved beauty
Either she will crack
Or she will be reformed
Into His Work of Art

It is three in the morning
And I intend to sleep
So sweet dreams, my love
And allow this heart to beat.

To me, you are absolutely fascinating
As if an artifact for only me to gaze at
Like some marvellous discovery
that is for only me to find
a great epiphany that will foresee my future
You are my perfect discovery
A theory I long to conjure
You are a hypothesis I am willing to test
An experiment to conduct
To pick at and investigate
I am out to discover
A brilliant creation
To prove my thoughts correct
Because, to me, you are "absolutely fascinating."

A candle in my hands
And I watch the panting flame
I see her idly breathing
Her heart pulsating
Vigorously, her body
Inhales the air of this deadened night

A candle in my trusting hands
I have been told my heart is on my sleeve
She is aching
She is sighing
She is wandering
What in the world have I done

A candle in my sighing hands
And the memory of that evening
Kiss my thoughts
A peck...
And I see your strong jaw
And eyes a perfect sight to find my gaze

A candle in my forgotten hands
I remember you gently easing my way
On the dance floor
Under the moonlight
Under the sun's forgotten face
As the darkness enveloped our skin

A candle in my nimble hands
And my hopeful eyes
Stare in wander
Stare in awe
At the intertwining branches
In your arms
Muscled and toiled with strength

A candle in my weak hands
And I stumble
Hold this candle
With all the strength I can muster

A candle in my terrified hands
As you leave
Footsteps drawn
Ready to go
My eyes screaming, my love
Please stay in my sanctuary
This haven made for you

A candle drops from my weak, crumbling hands
As my legs crash
Like a thunderous wave
To the platform
Unraised...
A flood plain
Where the ruby bleeds
Her reflected colours
From the flame...

A candle lies at my tip of my veiny, Shaking fingers
And you are gone
And the flame dances softly
At the tender touch
Of the Wind.

Stop
Trying
To make it look
Like
Love
You're hurting yourself, baby girl

Tonight
My mind has drifted
To the way you used to touch me
The way you rushed it
To where your hands wandered
And you whispered
Ever so softly
"God knows my intentions are pure"
How you fooled the girl in me who
Begged to be pure again
And fell for just the word uttered
"Pure"
How are any of the things you did to me pure?
I plead
How was I such a fool
I feel so guilty
Opening myself to you
Laying down
Allowing your mouth to touch every part of me
Such a rush
A big fat rush
I was in such a haze
I let you do whatever you pleased
I wanted you to
Because everyone else had done it
I craved it
It was so intimate
And I gave it to you
A gift truly
No man had been there before
Not even him
But I let you there
Because I went with the flow
Honestly I wasn't thinking
I never think
I was in such a daze
I hate myself for giving that to you
I hate you
And now you're gone
And I screamed at you on the phone
"I gave everything of myself to you physically. Can't you say something?"
And all you said was
"Frankly, I don't care, dear."
God and I broke
God, I guess you knew his intentions were never pure
And maybe this is punishment for my own sin
O God, give me peace
Cleanse me and make me whole again
Take away these thoughts
Please God
Make me pure again
Please
Release me from this *******
I beg you God
Please

Her father was a drunk
Yet she,
She tried to stay sane
She never allowed a sip to touch her lips
She smoked
And she wrote
A lot
About everything she'd ever seen in her life
She lived casually
Forgetful
A quiet
Yet spontaneous life
Carefree
And an enigma to those
Who watched her live.

My Love,

I want you to know something

I loved you. I loved you with all I was.

Everything we did...
It was never lust for me... For me, it was love.
I would have never done those things unless it was love.
I did them out of sacrificial love. I enjoyed it, but it was never ****** for me. I loved you.
I did them because I loved you and I thought you were going to be my forever. I honestly thought I was going to marry you
As you always proclaimed

"My love. My life. My future. My wife."

Guess that was just another one of your lies.

I love you in the most divine way
A sensual feeling
That is inert
I fell in love with your soul
And I can not undo
What has been done
This love for you
Will not be buried in the ground
No, my love
My soul is yours for eternity...

Just to know that he loves me
And that everything is going to be okay
That's all I need

Church bells cry out to my loneliness...
My heart filled with melancholy
The dust has settled around me
And I am alone
I realise this
Even though destiny whispers my name...
I am alone
No one to hold
No one to utter the words, "it's going to be okay"
I am alone
And I detest this dream
I stupidly imagined
Would be bliss
Yet all I hear
Are those melancholic church bells
Calling out
"Lonely, lonely girl...
Nowhere to go
Nowhere to hide
No one to care for your
dust-cladded soul."

I don't know when I'll get over you
But I'm hoping it will be soon
Because I'm sick and tired
Of carrying this piece of my heart
That is constantly attached to the thought of you

You broke me down
You cut my very skin
Each stroke of paint
Laced with hatred and contempt

You never did love me
And I must move on
I must face the brutal truth
Get on with my life
And never be overcome with tears
By the groggy thought of you

I wish you would leave my mind
You cynical, yet dreamer boy
I want to get on with my life, stop seeing you in  every man  that crosses my path
I want to fall in love again
Without any fear

I want to forget your ferocious heart
And allow myself
To fall into someone else's arms...

I feel as if I could diagnose myself with something


A disease of sorts
A mindset
Something I've allowed myself to journey into...

This world of no purpose
No joy
****** surrendering
A loss of innocence

Becoming an adult perhaps

I am unsure

I feel a heaviness in my heart

What am I?

Could it be?

How can I be so morbid?

Why don't my eyes light up anymore?

What am I?

I'm afraid to say it

Perhaps I'm being dramatic
Getting ahead of myself

Help me.

I have an aching in my heart
And I'm not sure it can be cured
It bashes and begs to be heard
It begs to lunge out in tears and wreckless screaming
It screeches and longs to be heard
It tumbles out in fear and endless longing
I am afraid
I am deeply afraid
I'm afraid of it coming back
I'm afraid of losing hope
I feel guilty that I am ok
And she is not
God what is your purpose with me
I am filled with a hunger for love and lust
to feel safe in another's arms again
I miss everyone who's ever made me feel safe
I long to be touched
To be wanted
I'm starting not to hate myself anymore
I kind of like me
Until I try on a pair of jeans
That doesn't fit right
Then I hate me again
I hate my mirror
F*
I have so much to be grateful for
Yet I feel so alone
So afraid
So numb
So scared

Narrow roads
Namaqualand daisies beside my feet
As I walk their pathway
As I follow this narrow Road
I ponder the world
I wander about this nameless land
Of words and poems and stories
I am lost in a sea
Of numerous accounts of many things
I do not know
Perhaps this feeling is love
I am lost inside its portal
I watch as some nonchalantly
Kiss and surrender their hearts
They do not love with their souls
They lust
And they presume that this is love
In this nameless world, they scream out that this is love
Yet they easily leave
They do not understand the fatal error of their relationship
That they did not love their significant other
With a language they understood
They loved in a language that was foreign and misunderstood
They loved without passion
As I wandered these narrow roads
I ponder love
And solidity of relationships
I ponder us
I wonder if we will support one another
Like a canvas and it's painter
Equally applying the pressure needed
To stand and become an artwork
I want us
To become an art
A perfect gallery of great works
That if filled with passion
That will never be stifled
I wish to love you
Until I have no breath
I wish to love you
Until I am old and grey
I wish to love you in your love language
I wish to love
To infinity and beyond
Because you are my soul mate
Who gives me solidarity and a peace within that will never be beaten to a pulp
You have mended my heart so well
And for that I am forever grateful
I will love you courageously
And passionately
As I ponder
As I watch
As I walk
Down this narrow pathway.

And so we spoke...

We sat on an icy green bench
Misty claws at our lips

Yes, we spoke

Pedestrians passed us by
A glance here and there
At our steaming conversation in this icy seclusion

We spoke

Long and hard
About all that had broken us
Everything they have ever said to us
To destroy and decapitate our effervescent souls

We spoke for much longer

I told you quietly
Softly
That there is a pit inside me
Drenched in void and emptiness
A pit filled with no passion
Loss
Pain
Envy
A broken heart

We spoke...

I told you how...
I never knew Writer's Block
Or perhaps a Passion Block
Could last so long...
Three years in fact

We spoke...
And finally you stopped me.

You spoke

And you told me to ignite it

And I begged...
I pleaded

"How?"

You told me to get a blank page
And write
Write the biggest load of nonsense
Write because you can
Write and ignite that fire again
Write with passion
Write about darkness, envy, betrayal
Every emotion that has ever crossed your mind
But ******, girl... Write!

And flames drew up inside my heart
My silent ember sang again
There was warmth in this icy cold
Enveloping us

Oh...
How we spoke
That evening...
An icy evening...
Just you and I.

I am so alone
Have I told you that
I am desperately craving someone to hold me again
Someone to desire every part of me
It's a vile and animalistic need
But it's real
And can't be tamed

I hate anniversaries
I hate that I remember dates
I hate that it's the first of October
And I remember a year ago
The first time
My heart got broken into a million pieces
The day you destroyed me
Without a care in the world
And I haven't been quite whole since

You always claimed
That I was fake
Around certain people
But only those you disliked
Around my ex
Around my best friend
Around those who made me laugh and act in a different way to you
But baby,
Do you ever think?
Maybe you were the one I was fake around
Maybe I was a lie
Or maybe you were just the control freak

We have this set of ideals
We wish to follow in life
Like science has its ideal gas laws
And chemical balances they wish to succeed
So do we
We wish to be like an ideal Gas
Although every physicist knows it cannot be
Every gas strives for this
Like us
We say
"on my wedding day, I'll..."
"I'll name my child..."
"When I'm rich, I'll..."
We have these ideals
This set of rules each of us wishes to achieve
Because it's a chronological set we're supposed to achieve
We have this plan
And when life visualises our plan,
She scoffs and laughs
Ha
Ha
You dare think
You can control me?
With your stupid ideals
That don't exist
Tragic
You are not an ideal gas
You play by my rules...
And she takes our page
Our artistic scribbles and childish naive hearts around the page
And she rips it...
But not right down the middle... No no...
She tears slowly...
Destroying every little dream one at a time
She takes a black marker
And she foils our plans
Ever so slightly
Oh but she manipulates our dream

I can never be an ideal gas, can I, life?
You're much too harsh to allow me that
Small wish.

I apologise for my ease with the arousal of your body...
Yet I can not fathom your mind

I wish I didn't care as much as I do
I wish i didn't worry about you
Like I do
I mean, you've hurt me
And I've forgiven you, yes
I just wish you knew that I cared
I wish you knew the amount I cared
The amount of heartache I feel for you
The infinite amount of prayers I send up for you
I wish you could look into my mind
I am but a tender warrior
That indulges in her worries
And seeks to love you
I wish you knew the pain I felt for you
I wish you would just respond to me
I wish you would just love me in return
I wish you could see how much I think about you
I wish you knew, I wish you knew
My dear, I wish you could see the figure crafted in my mind for you
Impulsive , perfect , tender and rare
I adore you
And I miss you
And I hope you know I am concerned about you.

I genuinely care about you.

Black, bolting bats decorating the starry night
That distinct fragrance of serenity and peace
The smell of granddaddy's cooking
Succulent and intertwined with feeling of zealous gatherings
A child's heart - playful and unaware of life's conquered trials
Your sweet, real smile
And voice that could calm my soul
Your laugh so full...
Granddaddy, I remember your brave heart today
I remember clutching onto your hand so tightly
Afraid of the black skies and bolting bats calling out
With my young eyes so innocent
Staring bewildered
At the starry night...

I wonder what you do with your evenings now
You must feel so free
You don't have me to pester you
You can game
Without me moaning
Or are you lonely
Do you miss me
Do you ever think of me
Do you ever want me back
Do you ever think about the way I could turn you on
With just a kiss
Do you ever think of the way I touched you
Do you ever think about the way you touched me
Do you think of the way my eyes lit up when I saw you
Do you ever miss me
Or do you fill the void with...
Your old friend
**** yes?
I asked you to stop watching
And you did
And you deleted those photos
Because it made me uncomfortable
I guess all is back to what it was
You find comfort in that now
Guess you don't need me anymore
You can mend your loneliness
With physical delight
I, on the other hand,
Am struggling
Without you

Someone was shot today
And I don't know why
But I succumb to this sadness
And I have this ache to live
To breathe
To do everything
Before my life may sink
I think of 'living life to the fullest'
I have this urge to call you
Because I know I love you and I don't want to lose you again
Like the last time...
Where we just ended
And never spoke again
No, I don't want that
I love you
And gosh, I wish you knew
I wish you knew that I am praying for you
Praying for you from Isaiah 29
Waiting for you, praying that you come back into my palm

But I heard that someone was shot today
Someone I never knew
I know you
I know I love you
And I don't want anything to happen to you
I love every intricate part of you
And I miss you, my love
And I wish that apology meant something
I know it did
Because you don't aplogise unless it was eating you up inside

Someone was shot today
And I realize that I need to speak to you
I need you
I want you

Someone was shot today
And I hate the thoughts bustling through my mind
These thoeries and beliefs that I ponder on
My hopes and dreams that I pray to accomplish
The way you remind me of my dreams...

Someone was shot today
And I want to feel alive
I want to run to you and I want to kiss you
I want you to feel my love
I want every part of you
And I want to live my life to the fullest in you
I need you

Someone was shot today
Someone was lost today
And I don't want to lose you

There was a dead fly in my
Bathroom this morning
I wondered whether he died a true fly's death?
Was the manner in which he left this world the manner in which he wanted to?
Did he go quietly and softly, with soft remembrance of the world he once knew...
His eyes shining with that last stare glaze
Were his last moments of utter serenity?
Did he see flashbacks of the best days he knew...
When he met the girl of his dreams and the fondness that grew?

Did he die a true man's death?
Or was it fatal and crashed down at him at once?
Did he remember anything or did he just go?

Oh, my dear
I ponder your sweet grave on the basin
Were you proud?
Did you know where you were going?
Oh, my...
Did you die a true, brave fly's death?

Steady, heart, steady...
Hush...
Quieten your pace

How can you go at such a speed?
How do you accelerate with such energy
Like a man on a race
To get to the finish line
Of his life...
Oh, but this violent blaze
This fire that is alive in my heart
It beats
It quickens  
It is corrupt
With the power
You have bestowed upon me
Oh, your lips
As they caress my heart so tenderly
Oh heart, hush
Do not race
Allow yourself to enjoy this moment
Oh heart...
Quieten down the violent song
You are pounding
In my arteries
Quiet! Hush!
How can he cause such a raucous
In you...

Oh, but violent fire...
Blaze
Blaze
Set alight inside of me
Burn bright
Shine
Shine
Shine
Allow him to set ablaze inside of you
Shine
Do not shield yourself
Dear heart
Pound
Set alight
Burn

Oh, sweet violent blaze
Burn inside my heart
From his sweet touch.

Truly I have not found the meaning of life
But I've found a hypothesis
A theory I believe true
How to live a full and extraordinary life
In your own sense of the word extraordinary
Is to be happy...
Grasp the mundane
Dance with the simple sweet days
Where you do not allow the slightest irritation to let anger boil out of you
You suppress the urge to be angry at everyday...
You embrace those subtle, silent moments
Of pure joy
Or even just a moment where the slightest smirk
Adorns your lips
Or your eyes smile at something so small and intricate
You do not need large, extravagant moments in your life...
Embrace the mundane
Sip the sweet silent moments
As if they are delectable wine you treasure on your palate...

Hush.
Be quiet for just a moment
And embrace the terrific anger of that time
The heat of the fight
The applause from the crowd as you walk on the stage
Embrace
Embark on a journey where mundane becomes perfection

This is my recipe for you
Life will never be perfect
Granted, there will be moments of perfection
But not every single day
But do not despair, my sweet

So often you find your dream seems so out of reach
You try to clutch onto it
But it is just too far for your hands to clutch onto

And I say wait

Wait patiently
Because time is raw
And it does not wait for when you are ready
It grabs you by the arms
At the worst time
At the most unnecessary time
And gives you exactly what you need...
Just not when it's right for you...

And time will never listen to you
Your plans will not fall into place
The way you wish them to
Time has a way of taking that plan
And crumbling every detail into a ball
And throwing it the hounds to chew
And make it into a new plan
Your original 'perfect plan' defiled and mutilated

Yes, life is a terrible circus
But I wish that you will walk on
You will try your best to follow your dreams
And walk the path life leads you on
Embrace the mundane
And the heat of the moment when despair stares you in the eyes and anger boils inside of you
I say
Embrace
Embrace time not listening to you
Embrace the moments of sadness
Embrace every adventure you embark on
And allow light To flood your eyes
And your heart to feel full of love
You will find a way to cope
It is not over yet...

This is my hypothesis
My simple theory
And I pray somehow
It may help a tired soul...

Oh little dancer
Auburn hair
With bright eyes
And broken heart
Whisk me away, little dancer
Pouted lips
Feet aching
You dance
And your eyes
They speak

Oh ballet dancer
Aching
Breaking
Calling out
To be noticed

Scream ballet dancer
Scream

I can hear you

Beautiful people
With eyes so sad
Yet with faith displayed so bravely in their expressions
I watch you few
As you Congregate
After church
Sipping tea
Speaking of weekly squander
And I find you beautiful

You beautiful man with thick spectacles
Greying hair and eyes that tell tales  
I remember writing about you once
Turning your story into poetry...
Making you come alive to the world
In a few mere words...

I see you, dearest
As you dunk your biscuit into that sweet tea of the week
You speak so effervescently to your Sunday friend
You gossip about the latest news and you find entertainment in this beautiful chaos
Of this short weekend

Oh, beautiful people
Beautiful people everywhere
Simply beautiful
Not in how they look, but in the way they are
Perhaps I find her the most beautiful
The woman with laughing eyes, never allowing her age to catch her youthful spirit
She believes that hardships and trials make you stronger
'Without the bad, you wouldn't be strong. Without the good, you wouldn't know the bad. Without the bad, you wouldn't know the good. And I believe that's how we do it. You've just got to find the beauty in it.'

Oh, beautiful people
This morning you struck me
You moved me so
Your beauty is just so bright
And I will always love you and your youthful spirits
You Beautiful people of Sunday morn'

How do I write this down?
How do I even come to terms with this?
My best friend wants to die
She's so tired
So tired
God I don't know what to do
What do you do when someone cries and screams every morning
"I want to die. I can't do this anymore?"
She feels like this is all her fault
But it's not
She feels so guilty
Feels her life isn't worth living

What do I do
How do I do this
How do I make this better

How are you supposed to deal
When your best friend
Begs you
Not to love her anymore
Because

How do you deal
When someone says
I don't know if I'll still be here

I don't know how to cope
Someone help me please
I'm struggling
And I know she is too
I don't know what to do

God, today I am lonely
My heart is wrought and I am empty
I have fought
I have battled

But, God, today I was dancing with you
My King
I was praising Your Mighty Name
And you were dancing with me
As I praised
As I sang aloud
With no fear
And i made a promise
That I would not allow you to leave my heart
You have been jealous
Jealous of these men who have tried to  take your place
You are a jealous God and you have every right to be
I have disregarded Your Presence
I am Sinner
And God, I beg for your forgiveness
Forgive me for lusting
Forgive me for losing myself
Forgive me for forgetting to call Your Name!
God, Dwell in me!
Stay here in this sanctuary
I do not want a man to take Your Sacred Place
I want You
I want a heart like Yours
I am Your Lily of the Valley
And I wish to never wander from Your Arms
Lord, I need you
God, please stay beside my heart

God, I beg you
Stay in my heart, my King
I have come into the Holy of Holies
To Dwell
To stay
To be with you
God, I beg you
Let me stay here...

Blood moon
Your beauty reigns tonight
It's silent
Quiet
And Mars sits beside you
Watching in awe at this sight
Magnificence before my eyes
Oh God
You created such beauty
Why
For us who sin
Ever so casually
Without a care
You gave so much
Blood moon
Like the blood shed for us
How can we see such Magnificence and not believe in your love
Or the power of your blood
Blood moon
It's pitch black around me
But I know your love
And red blood
Surrounds and covers my heart

If you do not want to love me
Any longer
Please do tell my whimpering heart
I am broken
I hate this
I hate us
Right now
Just tell me
And be honest
I think I may be able
To handle your brutal truth.

Dear Damian

You broke me