I don't want my life to be defined by men
I remember that...
That was when I was with (insert ex's name)
Why must my memories be defined by them
Why must it hurt to remember good things
Why do they ruin everything
And they don't care
They don't give a ****
That you can't think about some things
Because they're there
And the thought of him breaks you
And it isn't fair
My life is more than
Sections I can't speak about
Memories barred by thoughts of him
It's like there's a chunk missing from my life
2 years
Because I don't want to the face the memories of them
This isn't fair
It's such a sham

Morning air
Cold and loud
Crisp at the touch
Whispering wonders of wisdom
And freezing my flesh.

How do I write this down?
How do I even come to terms with this?
My best friend wants to die
She's so tired
So tired
God I don't know what to do
What do you do when someone cries and screams every morning
"I want to die. I can't do this anymore?"
She feels like this is all her fault
But it's not
She feels so guilty
Feels her life isn't worth living

What do I do
How do I do this
How do I make this better

How are you supposed to deal
When your best friend
Begs you
Not to love her anymore
Because

How do you deal
When someone says
I don't know if I'll still be here

I don't know how to cope
Someone help me please
I'm struggling
And I know she is too
I don't know what to do

I...
I had something amazing
I had a guy
Who was so in love with me
And I ******* it up
I messed it up
He opened doors
He didn't give up in arguments
I pushed him to the edge
He loved me
I ******* up
And so did he
I miss him
So much
Oh God
He was the cliche love story
He was everything
And now he's changed
What happened to him

The worst is...
He'll never know of the pain  he caused...
Of all the scars he ripped onto your tender skin
He'll never know how much your heart aches
When you hear the sound of his name
He will never see those scars.
He will never hear your voice pleading for him to return.
Because he ran
Ran away with a piece your melancholic heart
And now
He will never see the scar
He left behind
On your tender, vulnerable skin...

I have no words for what I am feeling
I am in a bad place
My heart constantly aches
I have an urge to cry at every moment of every day
I have no words
I am empty
Yet filled with so much anguish and despair
I am empty
Void
Fills my heart
Passion no longer exudes from my spirit
I am contemplative
I am confused
I am distressed
About every **** thing going on
I have no words
I have no words
I have no words

Yet here words stand
On my page
Yet my lips stay shut

I have no words.

I dont think I could ever be a doctor
Because I would hate to be
Responsible for so many lives...
But to teach...
To be responsible for one's thoughts
Ah,
Now that is what I would love...

Dear Damian

You broke me

It is raining this morning and I can hear the dripping next to my window.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Like the sound of my heart now that it has been released, the sound of life now that my eyes have opened again, the taste of fresh being in the air that tells of a girl who will not allow herself to stop. She will not allow the face of Man to take her away from her passion, from the beating of a sensual and released heart and a soul that will not escape from her body. No, she will listen to the raindrops...
She will listen to her heart.
She will not stop.

She hears the sound of rain this morning.
At first silent, not truly audible , but then turning into something powerful, something strong and rhythmic and beating down on the soil of this barren land!

She can hear the rain pouring down now, the thunder shouting and the strike of lighting showing the storm's eyes, but these eyes, they are not crying tears of pain. no, these eyes shed tears of release, tears that have seen what darkness truly is and these tears are letting go. These tears tell of a joy that is like a new song, that make someone feel a need to spread out their arms, jump and fly...

It is raining this morning.
I can hear it now.
Drip. Drip. Drip.

What would be wrong
If I
Forgave him
For all the lies...
For touching her lips instead of mine...
What would be so wrong with that?

O God
Take this pain

She'll muster up the courage to say...
He lusted after me
He never loved me
And I...
The seduction was grand
But that was it
That was all it was
*** *** ***
And that was it
No love
No love at all

I still look for you
In corners
In our favourite shops
But I never find you

Love doesn't last.
It dies and romance fades
and fights brew and
nothing is left but
ashes in the wind
of your broken, pitiful heart.

I think it's insane
How one single human being
Can make or break you

Three Stars above us...
You counted each one
With melodic beauty from your tongue
You spoke about the stars
With genuine curiosity
Your palm resting on my hip...
Your eyes staring at my tender lips...
Gracefully, you have stolen my heart
Elegantly, you swept me off me feet
You whisked me around the dance floor
Pursuasively
You stared into my eyes
Intensely and perhaps lovingly
My dear, you mean a lot to me
You are my greatest friend
And I refuse to allow this
Sweet, silent moment
As we dance under three stars
To transcend...

Do you think
There's a possibility
I can forget him?
Can he stop running through my mind?
Can he stop?

Do you think you'll ever forget your first?
Do you think there's a possibility his words will stop running through your mind?
Is there a way that I can stop comparing to my first... To the way he touched me... The way he enchanted me...
My first...
You were the first to awaken...what is truly inside me
You fingers grazed my body... first
Your lips touched mine... first
You wisked me away... first
You made me fall in love... first

o God,
Sometimes I miss you
This week I miss you...

God, can I just forget him...

I feel sad today
Morbid
Do I have anything to offer
I think of everything you said about me
How you broke my trust
I hate me
So much

I feel as if
We use the words
"heart-broken"
Too easily
So callously
So nonchalant
But no one knows
How it feels
What it truly means to
Have your heart shattered
broken in a million pieces
As your fingers bleed
When you try to pick them up
Try to mend your broken heart
No one knows this pain
The reality of a broken heart
The pang
The sting
The hole left inside of you
For months on end
Nobody understands
The true actual pain
Of a broken
Shattered
Heart

I've saved you as
"nothing"
On my phone
In my contacts
Because I'm not ready to delete your number
But
Nothing  
That's all I want you to be
I don't want to think about you anymore
I don't want you to torment me
I want
You
To
Be
Absolutely
Nothing
To me

I miss that feeling
Of being in love...

a moment of serenity...
after the rain
that drenched my lips
and soaked my eyes
After all the tears...
Come home, baby girl
Be the girl in shining armour
Once again

Why don't
You have
a body
Like hers

God, what's wrong with me

I am a writer
I am happy
I like to go out
I like curling my hair
I adore red lipstick and red scarves
I'm confused about my future
But that's okay, everyone is
I don't always like myself
I am shy
I stumble on my words when I'm nervous
Which is most of the time
I'm trying to gym
I'm trying to mend myself
I wish my writing was better
I enjoy singing
My singing teacher irritates me because she focuses on method
And less on emotion
Yet when I perform
They tell me I take them away to another place, another world
I like singing for people
I get emotional
Very easily
I'm studying a degree in mathematics
And physics
Yet my favourite part of it is Psychology
Which is an elective
And I can't major in it
Honestly I love it
But I don't have the patience and the heart for it in real life
I like music
It makes me content
I love sad songs
I love emotion
People make me nervous
I'm bad at relationships
According to my past two
Apparently I rely on them for my happiness
Maybe they are right
Maybe I need to find me
I like pilates
I like going out
I love dancing
But I've been told my ex I have two left feet
And now I need a drink to have the confidence to dance
Or else I stand like a wallflower
I enjoy drinking
Because it makes me confident
And I lose myself
And I laugh really loudly
I have terrible alcohol tolerance
One glass of wine and I'm out
Oh and tequila...
My weakness
I'm trying to heal myself currently
I've cut social media
I've stopped looking at the lives of those who have hurt me
Ignorance is bliss
I'm trying to find balance
I just want to heal
And be me again
I don't quite know what this is
If it's a poem
Or a list of truth
Of who I am
The things I don't ever tell anyone
This is who I am
And I've given it to you
Do with it what you wish

You're not an orphan
Both your parents are alive
Yet you act like a victim
And crave sympathy

I remember that night
The night I told you not to kiss my lips
Oh but you found a loophole
You told me your life story
And I felt sorry for you
So much sympathy
You teared up
And then you kissed...
My body...
Every inch of it
But not my lips
Oh no
You kept that promise

And I fell under your spell
The begging in your eyes
For sympathy

The fact that you've tried to **** yourself twice
The fact you come from a broken home
Yet so many people have been good to you
So many have loved you
Yet you are fed from sympathy
You love it
You love to be the victim

A few months down the line
I've loved and loved
And given my all

And I didn't allow you to act as a victim anymore
You can't get away with everything because of your past
That doesn't give you the right to be a miserable human to me
And then the threats came
"You make me want to commit suicide"
After all the love I gave

Victim
That's all you want to be
And that's all you will ever be

I wish you didn't kiss me
I wish we never met

Because I loved you

Who knew
She'd be so influential
That she'd trap you
That she'd make me evil
In your eyes
She's probably made you delete my pictures
Throw away my gifts
And she's probably
Gripped her claws
Into every fond memory of me

Note to self:
Boys don't like it when you tell them
They're the reason for your happiness
This can be turned against you
And you'll be told there's something wrong with your head
As they cannot handle the responsibility of being the reason for your joy
So do not call them your "happy place"
Because he should never be the reason you are happy
Because he knows he's going to leave in 3 months
Don't count on him
He will break you

He hated that I
Still wore your belt
That I compared him to you
That I begged him not to break me the way you did
The amount of times I'd mention you
The way I thought of you the first time we kissed
The way I didn't delete your photos
The way I hold onto the dead roses
The way I still have your promise ring
The way I'd beg him not to leave the way you did
The way I spoke about you too much
The way you're his best friend
The way I didn't let him end his friendship with you for me
The way I pestered him to see you
The way I was never truly over you
Until now

Thank you
Thank you for poetry
Thank you for reawakening me
Thank you for loving me for a short while
Thank you for helping me to write again
Thank you for helping me fall in love with my soul and the words that flow from my fingertips
Thank you for reciting what I've written back to me in that intriguing, captivating voice of yours
Thank you for coming into my life
But, most of all, thank you for HP
Thank you, [Art].

Although you are gone
I will never forget what you have brought into my life
Thank you for allowing me to meet beautiful people
Thank you for this beauty in my heart
From HP
Thank you, HP
Thank you

Damian
You were slow with me
I liked that
Thank you

It feels like home
In your arms
It feels real
There is no lust
We are happy
A real happy
We are
In love

You coward
You pathetic
Drunken
Coward
I hate you
You promised to love me
I gave you my all
I gave you my body
My heart
Everything I am
And now you run away
You *******
You coward
You disgust me
With the persona you put up for me
I hate you

I recall
The thunder that deafened my ears
That called out to my broken heart
I screamed into my pillow trying to challenge you... Trying to be louder than you
Because heartbreak is a baffling whirlwind that will take you to another world
Oh my heart
My broken aching heart...
He left you...
Alone
Screaming
And now I scream my heart out to you
Pouring rain and howling winds
My heart shatters at every thunder strike
Bringing me to reality
It really is over
All that effort...
Every trial I stood through
The wind begs to come inside
Screaming
To escape from the torture outside...
Oh you don't wish to come in here...
There is a battle cry ringing
Shrieking
Squealing
Pleading to be heard
How could he leave?
After all I gave...

I wore black the next day
Mourning him as if he had died
Yet he was well alive in my heart and mind
And he still walked around
Not a care
Never caring about the trails he makes
His ****** trails in my heart
As he slashed at her
Beating her to a pulp...
She tries to beat on...
She gasps and begs him to leave her to be at peace
But he pesters on
He straddles her
Grabs her thigh
Pushes her down as she struggles to get back up...
He kisses her as tears stream down her face
He bites her lips open
And she tries to scream
But she merely whimpers...
There's nothing she can do now
His hands travel lower
And she screams... inside
This isn't tender. This is... Something else

She is
Bruised

He has taken her

Oh crying girl in my heart... Don't let him do this to you...
Don't let him keep this piece of you

O God, dear thunder, lightning and storm outside
Don't dare beg to be here
There is someone broken inside of me
Someone who yearns for his touch again
Broken girl...
You don't want her...

I hear the rain
Drenching the earth
And I,
I stay dry and
Barren
Of his touch.

I haven't written much lately
I wonder What's happened to me

I know you love me...
But what if...
What if I break you?
What if this broken girl
Breaks you?
I haven't healed yet...
I lust,
But I'm not ready to love
Or commit
To anyone...

I'm so sick of drama
Maybe we should end this

I hate my dreams
You're everywhere
There's hope in my dreams
In my dream, you were hostile at first
But then you picked me up
And I cried
And you told me you still love me
And then I woke up
And life came crashing down
It was just a dream baby girl
Stop hoping

I think a part of my heart is lost
Lost in a sea of oblivion
From all the hands that have let go
Of my trust
All the hearts that ache in this sad world

I don't want you to go
Please hold on for me
Stay
I can't lose another soul

Why are all
My friends
Suicidal
I love them so **** much
I wish they could see what I see
I love you
Please don't go

It's quite scary
What happens to your heart
When you've been cheated on
You become very fearful
Scared
Anxious
Afraid
Of men

He didn't make you happy
Scream it at the top
Of your lungs
He never made you happy
Stop missing him

Who knew a person
who promised
to love you...
Who promised
not be like him...

Could become
your worst nightmare

It's you...
When I'm alone at night and I can't seem to breathe
It's you
When I can't see between the blur of tears
It's you
When I can't feel my feet
And I feel like I'm flying
It you
When I can't seem to see behind the waves
It's you
When I'm cold and alone and no one loves me anymore
It's you
When I'm angry and I can't place any of my thoughts
It's you
When I need a calm place
It's you
When I need to smile
It's you
Who lights up my eyes
It's you
Whose made me dream in colour again
It's you...
It's you.
It's always been you.
You calm the storm and you make me
Me.

"I promise I'll never hurt you the way he did."

Oh baby, you kept that promise

You hurt me so much worse

I wish I was okay

Maybe we'll meet again.
And you'll be happy.
And I'll be happy.
But not together.
Never together.
We were toxic, baby,
And only we knew
But yet we never said
We knew it
But we were silent

No one sees behind
Those pasted smiles

No one sees the tears
No one sees the screaming
No one sees the fear

Nobody knows how bad it was

Because baby, we had smiles
Pasted to our faces

Maybe we meet again
But I hope not anytime soon
Because you and I
Together
It's some toxic chemistry baby

You broken man
I mean boy
You're lost without my heart
In your palms
You have no one to
Control anymore
I'm no longer your puppet baby

Why do
I
Always
Get
Abused
What is wrong with me

Why does the cheater
Get a happy ending?
Life isn't fair

Dear You

You were my best friend. I trusted you and I loved you. You nestled your way into my life so easily. We clicked. We laughed.

And then it changed.

You developed feelings. I remained the same. I told you to bury them and I wish you kept them buried. I wish you never fell in love with me. It scared me. I was so vulnerable. I was never ready for love.

You were my best friend and what hurts more right now is that I've lost my best friend. I've lost your trust. I've lost you.

I wish we had stayed best friends and I wish you were satisfied with that. I wish we never went on that holiday. I wish I never got drunk and kissed you. I wish that we could just be best friends. I wish. I wish.

But all that is broken now, isn't it?
And wishes don't come true.

I hope someday you can look me in the eyes and see what you've done to me. I hope you heal. I hope I do too for real this time...
I hope one day we could be friends. I don't know.

I loved you, but we both know it was the wrong time for both of us. It was wrong timing. I believe you should've waited for me to heal properly. I don't know.

But you resent me now and our memories mean nothing to you now. Those memories meant the world to me. And I don't know what to do with these thoughts.

Anyway, I hope you heal.

Love
Elizabeth

Please can I just let go of you
Please
I don't want to see your face anymore
I don't want to think of how you used to make me feel
I don't
Just leave my mind
Please
I hate you
You've ruined me for other men
I hate you