You think you're better at life than me
Because you dance with flames
While I caress the steaming coals' weary backs

You think you're stronger than me
Because you unleash your inner wild man
While I sit back and allow my inner peace to overwhelm my senses and take me to place of 'zen'

You think you are wilder Than me
Because you roar out into the mysterious valleys, yelling all your troubles
While I whisper in the forests to the wonders of the whimsical world

You think you're braver than me
Because you can race to the top of the mountain to yell your name
While I stand back and watch you with idle eyes and Palms shaking with angst

You think you are better than me
Because you're confident and you have the guts to speak to who you love without an ounce of fear
Yet I, I allow my voice to shake and tremble when I speak with conviction to the one I love

You think because you smile at the world with that facade of a smile, they like you
Yet I grin at times of sincerity to my dear one I love and My heart swells with heat at This love

You think saying I love you means that you actually do
You say it to cover your actions and slip ups
While I say it in a tender gaze and favors for the one I adore

Oh
You were disillusioned
For I am not as brave as you
As loud as you
Nor as wild as you

You are the demon within every liar.
You are the raging fire within every arrogant man.
You are the burning desire within his lustful approach to love
You are the deadliest sin
You are confident and undeniably blasé about the blade you cut into every man

You are a burning sensation
A desire
Lust
And words of nothingness

You are everything he was.

You are his darkness within.

I remember the look in your hazel eyes
You had nothing left to give me
Your jaw was tight
And your eyes were fierce
You had given up inside
Ready to let go of me
Sick of me
And my **** tears
My moods
Everything that irritates you beyond yourself...
I remember your hazel eyes
On the brink of giving up on us.

A tribute for those I've loved and lost to this sick battle...

Mental illness isn't a joke
It's a reality
It stares you in the eyes
Until you pay attention to her gaze
Her perfect
Crystal clear gaze

She gnaws at your existence
She begs and
pleads for your attention
Listen to your anxiety
Why are you like this
What is wrong with you
Your skin
Your body

Theres something wrong with you
Yes I know ******!!
Can't you see it in my eyes I know
I'm filled with fear
And tension
And this inability to love again
Because fear gnaws at my every whim

Desire to speak out
Is hushed
By illness

Mental illness is real
Mental illness is breaking down
Quietly
Without even a whisper
And nobody knows the pain inside

Mental illness is seeing something ugly
Mental illness is hating every inch of yourself
Mental illness is giving up
Mental illness is a reality

Sometimes this journey feels so surreal
How did this even happen
Life was so normal
So plain and so ordinary
I took so much for granted
The sunlight as it stretches slowly into the room
Sunlight and basking in its presence
The wind touching one's face slightly
Caressingly
Family and how laughter can cure the deepest pains
Friendship with hearts filled with so much love and content
So much support

It's funny how we don't appreciate people
Until a tragedy
Something big
People are good
We make out as If we are the biggest fiends
As if we have darkened the world
With our pessimistic hearts
And our realization of being too naiive
You can't be naive and appreciate life for what it is in this day and age
A part of you needs to be skeptical
One feels a need to criticize "the man"
The one in charge of this mess

Nevertheless
Life is strange
However, I honour the strangeness of life
And I respect it
Without it, life would be boring
And tragedies
And crazy circumstances
We need those
To realize
We aren't just some deep messy abyss of darkness and suffering
There is a light pulling through
Open up your curtains
And see your pain trailing out
As you bask
In the Glory
Of the Majesty's mighty sunlight
As your blinded eyes
Will see again

"Do you know what your problem is?"

"What is my problem? Do tell me."

"You don't understand the raw beauty of your soul. You're so caught up in trying to convince others to find their passions yet you don't allow yourself that privilege... To discover yourself. You're lost. You're on this hopeless trail of your own and you're disregarding yourself. You're allowing your passion to die inside yourself as you convince others to ignite theirs. What is wrong with you? You're this raw beautiful thing and you're letting your passion die. Don't let it die. Find it and resuscitate that whining child inside... Breathe into those dead, dry bones and live. Be passionate. Ignite."

You didn't stay long enough
To see the jasmine
Blossom
outside your room
It's beautiful
You know
And you're missing it
Because you left
You let me goqqq
You told me i was the one
The day you gave me that bracelets
The Armour of God
Something you mother
had told you to give to
"the one"
I still have it
Because in my heart
I believe I'm her
I still think I'm the one
And you've let go for a little while
I'm hoping you come back
I really am
You'll be able to see the jasmine bloom
It'll be beautiful
By the time you return
After its been
alone
For quite some time

You made me a victim
You allowed me to
Stop believing in love
When you kissed my lips with no passion
With her lips there before mine...
You made me beg
You made me plead
And you made me think that everything was my fault
That I was the cause for our downfall
That I was the reason we broke
Yet you
You with your hazel eyes
You caused our death
You kissed her lips
And took away my trust in love
How can I love again after you
You disgusting, immature piece of manure
I hate you
You
You are dead to me.

I
wish
he knew
how
much
his words
still
hurt.

I wonder if I could ever
Dive into the sea
Dive into that pool of mystery
And never return
Wander into the abyss
Discover treasures of the world unknown
My secret place
I wonder these thoughts
Ever so Solemnly
Quietly
On my own.

I never thought
I'd appreciate home so much...
The last time I was home
I was packing up for res
and had long hair
and life was normal.

The saddest,
most dramatic thing that happened
thus far was a stupid heartbreak
and I thought the was
the end of the world.

Then I got back to res
and I felt strange

My diagnosis happenened
and life changed completely
after a man
uttered three words into my life
that changed my life
into a series of
hurdles and challenges
and life completely changed
Nothing was normal anymore
Life's focus completely changes
and home is
a far, distant concept
unknown to you.

Home became a bubble
Home becomes a hospital room

I never knew
I missed my own bedroom so much
God, you never appreciate something until it's gone
do you?
You don't appreciate anything
until you hear
"you have cancer"
and your greatest fears come to life

You see your parents beg to God you'll live
You don't want to see them
because you don't want
reality to hit you

Then, you get home
and you have to
come out of this daze
This is real
This is happening

Cancer is so real
and in your face
You can't avoid it anymore
This happened
and you can't stay
in this little positive bubble
for too much longer

The bubble has burst
and reality has hit you
right in the face.

This happened.
But, you're surviving.

Oh little dancer
Auburn hair
With bright eyes
And broken heart
Whisk me away, little dancer
Pouted lips
Feet aching
You dance
And your eyes
They speak

Oh ballet dancer
Aching
Breaking
Calling out
To be noticed

Scream ballet dancer
Scream

I can hear you

His poetry makes me numb, gasping for breath, tears streaming and heart bleeding on the floor...

I've never felt
So much pain
For one person
A person who is so on fire for life, So passionate
Yet with sorrow laced between
He is enigmatic
He is a mystery to me
So complex
A trail winding and twisting
And
Changing
Always altering his mood
The way he feels about you
However, I find this enigmatic boy quite the romantic
A solid soul searching for love
Searching for someone out there
On this meandering pathway
Although he searches for his rose
He finds thorns in his travels
And he loves them
Even though they weaken his strength to carry on walking
To search for her
He wanders, you see
He glances from side to side
Searching for answers
So passionate in finding them
So inspired
Yet so cruel
So cruel
To those who seek his heart
And want to mend it
So vile and wicked
Yet, so loving...
He wanders down the narrow path
Searching
Walking past his rose
Hurting her
And discarding her
To the hounds
And he finds those meandering pathways
Filled with thorns
That pluck away his innocence
Leaving him bleeding
Bleeding steps
He walks on
And leaves the blood rose
Behind.

You see, his poetry makes me weep
His poetry makes my heart bleed
As he leaves me on the floor
Defiled
And mortified
By his pain
That numbs my soul.

Dear Kewan

I miss you
I really do
And this isn't a cry out because I'm lonely
Or feeling sorry for myself
I miss you
I miss the you who was so in love with me
Who wouldn't give up in arguments
I miss the you I would get irritated with
Because I wasn't ready for a relationship
I miss the you I'd scream at
And push away
When all you wanted to do was love me
Oh Kewan
I miss you
And pushed you over the edge
Please don't meet someone
Please
Please wait for me
Wait for me to heal properly this year
All I ever needed was time
All I ever needed was time alone
Before you stepped in the moment he left
I needed to grieve him
I never had a chance to
We rushed into a relationship
Too fast
Kewan please wait for me
Please
We had wrong timing
That was all
God
Please let him see what I see now
Please God
Please let him miss me
Please please please
Come back to me

I hear the cicada
The birds chirping
The breeze

I feel you in this place

The heat is unbearable
And I am suffocating
But the flowers...

There is a scent of you here

I miss you

But there is a stench
An awful terrible something
In the air

The scent of death

And death isn't something beautiful
It's brutal
And painful
And tears at your eyes
As the Tears spill put
Flooding your face.

I hear the cicada
Deafening me
I feel the breeze
Wasting away and

I feel you here
And, God
This isn't easy.

I hate you
You coward

You were my drug
I let go of you
I no longer felt the need
For your flavour
The high you gave me...
But I relapsed.

I'm the most beautiful version of myself when with you .

"That was a futile event"
My best friend glanced to me
And smirked
At the usage of such a unique
And powerful word.
The actual usage of words we've learnt
The brilliance and the beauty
Of our pure, defining English class

Her lectures pay off.

My vocabulary lengthens
My thirst for language is left unquenched
My throat is dry
And I long for the touch of linguistics upon my being
I am in love with it
This English language
The superiority of its brilliance
The superb accuracy of its words to a feeling
My sense of nostalgia when I remember I dear word
My heart on fire to learn more of its beauty

I am in  love
In love  with words
In love with their taste
And the vocabulary
Their brilliance
And the words I use
That are often not as futile
As they seem,
Just momentarily.

My thoughts under a beating sun
Are Drenched with sweat
But filled with raw emotion
My thoughts under a beating sun
Are often insane
And bewildering
My thoughts under a beating sun
Are wild and intertwined with philosophy
My thoughts under a beating sun
Are simple

I clutch onto his wreathed and wrinkled hand
My feet are bare
Relaxed in the beach sand
As the salty seawater licks me tenderly
Back and forth
It mocks me, yet soothes my startled soul

My thoughts are tangled at this time they are filled with courageous supernatural sorcery
That mingles among my sane thoughts

I stand in the sea
My hand clutching my father's
And sigh at the beauty of such a marvelous.sight
And ponder on what may become
Of my soon beginning life...

I am filled with wrought
And doubt at what I once thought I knew
I don't know
I don't know
I don't really know anymore.
I think I just want to be happy someday
Content, as some might say
Maybe I want to find love
And be loved
Maybe I want time
Time to think
Time to be
And time to write poetry
And enunciate passionate phrases
Perhaps I want to make an impact
Teach...
Build...
A mind.
Make an impact
Do something...

I'm not sure what I want
I'm not sure any of us do.

But all I can say for now
Is that
As I stand in the shallow waters
Of this glorious sea that stands before me
At the edge of the world
The edge of my life...

I often find myself conflicted
By
My thoughts under a beating sun

I wish I didn't care as much as I do
I wish i didn't worry about you
Like I do
I mean, you've hurt me
And I've forgiven you, yes
I just wish you knew that I cared
I wish you knew the amount I cared
The amount of heartache I feel for you
The infinite amount of prayers I send up for you
I wish you could look into my mind
I am but a tender warrior
That indulges in her worries
And seeks to love you
I wish you knew the pain I felt for you
I wish you would just respond to me
I wish you would just love me in return
I wish you could see how much I think about you
I wish you knew, I wish you knew
My dear, I wish you could see the figure crafted in my mind for you
Impulsive , perfect , tender and rare
I adore you
And I miss you
And I hope you know I am concerned about you.

I genuinely care about you.

I apologise for my ease with the arousal of your body...
Yet I can not fathom your mind

I want to thank you
For allowing my eyes
To look into yours
I want to thank you
For spewing out words
Of intellectual understanding
Of passionate phrases and
Allowing me to glance at a page
In your novel
I want to thank you
For taking this half-fledged thing
And subtly teaching her
I want to thank you
For taking her heart
With a grip so tight
Dissecting it
Pulling this pulsating heart apart
Tearing it
Mutilating it
Yet, in a way,
Fixing it.
Your mutilation carving such beauty into her again
I want to thank you
For giving her life again
For allowing her heart to beat steadily again
For inspiring this half-fledged thing
To fly again

You see, I want to thank you
For the pain you've caused,
Yet also for the life you've put inside of me
She's hated you
She's absolutely despised you
Yet, I want to thank you
For fixing my morbid heart.

Oh, God
Why, God, must this heart never heal
Take this pain
Take it
I do not want this heart
It burns
And it aches
And it bleeds
With envy, callous mind and no real being
I want to be numb
Let me have one last sip
Alas, the bottle is empty
And I am left
With this hopeless feeling
I can not escape.

Will I ever be good enough for anyone?

Dear Day 12

You come again to me
Piles of writing at my feet
A sweet serene moment is unable to submerge
From your strong triumphant malicious glory
Work...
You do not allow my eyes to rest...
My body to slumber
Or my heart to feel at peace.
Work...
You are my greatest enemy
And you rule me
Every day is paved by you
You mold me
You've become all I am
And I rue the day you came into existence
For now I sit here
With my hand stained with ink
Eyes on the verge of tears
And I still carry on
With no sleep, no sleep...

With love
From the  girl who hates your name

Day 12...
My hands scribble your name with hatred and
A heart filled with anxious betrayal.

I've always been fascinated by mist
This white purity
That can be so dark
And so cruel
Abducting
And blinding
You white darkness

Your satin fingers
Touch
So soft
So pure

And you **** with menace
White darkness
Swallow me in
Engulf me in your blinding light

Oh, sweet white darkness...
How you mystify me.

You never
     wrote about



                 me...
          



                               You never did love me.

I can feel her trying to crawl out of me
Out of the nest I've sown tightly around her
She's fighting...
I can feel her breathing
I can't numb her bashing anymore as a faint itch
I feel her
Scratching and clawing at the walls...
She will not be defeated...
She needs me to set her free...
But I still whisper,
"Hush. It's not quite the right time yet...
I don't know if it ever will be."

It's 3 am
The air is dark
And I can see the outline of the desk in front of me
It's pitch black around me
And all that crosses my mind are those swirling brown eyes.

I'm worried about you
I don't know why
My phone is off
The power's out and there is no way I can hear your unwavering voice

My mind drifts to the music of your vocal chords
The passionate sound you make as they vibrate
Your voice
The comfort of my heart
My sanity.
I remember how I could listen to you for hours
And you could say absolutely anything. And I'd be absolutely besotted with your voice
You see, you speak with so much passion. No matter what you speak about

I love how you believe in passion.
You believe in it with all your heart

But, I haven't spoken to you in a while now
I miss you. I really do
And I've put my heart on the line
I've given you the power to crush it
To either burn it.
Or pull me out of the ashes I'm breathing in

I've been hurt
I've been burnt
I've been crushed

And I give you my heart, dear
Take it
And run

This is my lament song for you, dear
My sad little song
I will give you a blunt knife with my beating heart
You can either sharpen that knife and allow the blood to spill from its quivering death
Or
And perhaps you will think dumbly of me for having so much hope
Cherish this filthy, gullible heart
And sharpen that knife,
Yes, sharpen it
Carve into my wounds
Dissect my heart
See every cut and scrape
Carve into my wounds
Make it yours
Make it your artwork, dear
Make her into Your Warrior

I've given you so much power
And I believe that it will be the ***** in my armor
this carved beauty
Either she will crack
Or she will be reformed
Into His Work of Art

It is three in the morning
And I intend to sleep
So sweet dreams, my love
And allow this heart to beat.

As of late I have felt uninspired
And I apologise profusely
To me
For being morbid
For being absolutely absurd
And not treasuring a single moment any more
I used to have moments of impact
Moments that I could hold onto
I've lost that
I don't know how
But I have
And this is a sad truth I have established
My sad life
Filled with brilliance
Yet I walk morbidly in the misty night
Embarking on a journey
Yet losing sight of the prize

Wrong timing
It ruins
Everything
Why couldn't it be a few months later?
Why
Why
Why

Damian
Damian
What was wrong with me
Please answer me
Please
Damian

The way you

kiss me

sets

my heart

on


          fire.

Your Jacket is red
It is the perfect substitute for your arms wrapped around my waist... Around me...
You envelop me in warmth and love, my dear
You are the man of my heart
However, this is a poem of recognition of another who owns my heart
There is a sanctuary built for Him as he lives in my heart peacefully
He walks beside me each day and He guides me to be like Him
He covers me in a jacket too...
A red jacket coated in His Blood
He has given me perfect freedom and perfect peace
He has loved me from the beginning of my life
As I was a child beckoned from her sleep
Awakened by the sound of this new day, This new life made to worship you
Jesus, there is a sacred sanctuary for you in my heart
Please dwell inside of me
And do not allow me to forget
The Jacket coated in Blood that you poured on my soul
You have set me free
May my heart never put another before You
My True Prince in Heaven
The Lover of my soul
I worship and praise your Holy Name
Jesus, Jesus,
Dwell in me forever.

The significance of this day is undiscovered
And I walk melancholic
On this lonely path

This is my last day
To roam the corridors
To hear their carefree laughter
To be alive in this moment

This is the last day
I am bewildred by my thoughts
Of misery and a subdued heart

I can not be here
I can not dream
I can not succumb to tears

I am alone

I walk alone
I cry alone

No one will care about my morbid heat
No one will care about what my future holds

I am alone
On this awkward,
Lonesome,
Melancholic path.

I am alone.

To love and be loved in return must truly be
a gem
A gift to cherish on to
For it happens so
Rarely
One must hold onto it
If you are one of the lucky few.

Relationships ruined us
broke us...
turned into a vicious beings

I hate anniversaries
I hate that I remember dates
I hate that it's the first of October
And I remember a year ago
The first time
My heart got broken into a million pieces
The day you destroyed me
Without a care in the world
And I haven't been quite whole since

Will they even remember...
My heart
Will they even rememb...
My soul
Will they even rem...
My smile
Will they even...
My glance
Will they...
My words.

I don't know when I'll get over you
But I'm hoping it will be soon
Because I'm sick and tired
Of carrying this piece of my heart
That is constantly attached to the thought of you

You broke me down
You cut my very skin
Each stroke of paint
Laced with hatred and contempt

You never did love me
And I must move on
I must face the brutal truth
Get on with my life
And never be overcome with tears
By the groggy thought of you

I wish you would leave my mind
You cynical, yet dreamer boy
I want to get on with my life, stop seeing you in  every man  that crosses my path
I want to fall in love again
Without any fear

I want to forget your ferocious heart
And allow myself
To fall into someone else's arms...

How do we survive this ongoing, enduring pull?
This urge to move and
get things done
To keep at our pace
Never stop
For a single moment.

How do we do it?
How do we live...
In this cyclic routine
And urging pull
To get things done

We are expected to survive
Fend for ourselves
In this barren land
Of movement
Getting and spending
Yet never getting anywhere
Or achieving anything grand

So I ask you
How am I to survive
This urging pull
This tug of war inside
To ace this life,
To get a move on
How do we survive
The urging pull
To get things done

Will I shrivel in this abyss
Into nothingness...

My hunger
For something raw and extraordinaire
Has been beaten to a pulp
Deafened
And undefined
My appetite has disappeared
My thirst has dried completely
And I have weakened

I beg of you
With tears in my eyes
How will I survive?

You pushed me away
and I left

Now

I
       Fly.

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

He'll never know of the pain he caused you
Of the fear you hold.
For a single glance from wandering eyes of men
How afraid he's made you of giving your heart away
Because heartbreak is the worst
And it's a pain that never leaves
Always leaves a bite that lasts
A scar that is forever traced
On your skin
It is the wound that never heals
Always hidden deep within.

D
You
Please tell him I miss him
More than anything
I never appreciated him
God, he was such a **** gem
But I wasn't ready
Please bring him Back, God
Please

Dear You

I wish I met you first
Before Damian
I wish you chatted me up first
I wish you were my first everything
We would have been perfect
No issues
No Damian
We would've done it right

Dear You

I haven't thought about you for a while
I've been caught up in cancer
But there are times you wander my mind
When I hear phrases like
"he was the one"
"he made me laugh and he was so in love with me"
There is an incredible anger inside of me when I see your photos
And then there's a sadness when I see how my eyes used to shine with you
I was so happy with you
Inexplicably happy
I want that again
I miss you sometimes
But then I remember the pain you caused me
I remember the lies
I remember you blackening my name
I remember you being a prolonged rebound that got too serious too fast
I remember giving myself to you
And I regret it
I regret you

Two broken hearts
We sit
We stare through
The broken windows
In these bleeding hearts
We sing
With great urgency
With hurt in our eyes
With aching
I look to her
And know that her heart
Seems
As if it will never be repaired
But, my darling, it will
I promise
But for now,
As we sit in our melancholy
My heart is torn
My beating has shifted
And struck
Something
My heart is broken for you, dear
And it yearns to fix yours
But,
We will sit in this
In this hurt
With our two broken hearts..
Just for a bit

I don't quite understand
This judgement
This lack of understanding
People are different
People are strange
Wondrous creatures
That I ponder at
We are all living
Breathing
Infinite creatures
Living these lives
That others find strange
Others judge
And point
And wonder
But what I've decided
And what I've found
Is that every single one of us
Is different
And these odd things we do
We do things
That make us happy
That bring joy to our hearts
And they may be odd
Or different
Or frowned upon
But I've found that
We need to do what brings us joy
What makes every single day of our lives worth it
We can't stand around
Living morbid lives
To please the people
To please the crowd
We need to live
We need to breathe
And live eccentric lives
That bring us joy
And help us thrive
Because when I look back on my life one day
Or let's make this simplistic
When I look back on my year,
I want grand brilliant technicolour memories
Filled with joy
With memories that brought me great happiness...
Nothing morbid
And nothing grey
I wish to see a technicolour life
Of happiness.