Perhaps you shouldn't give your all
To a man
Give him your heart
Your body
You open up completely
And fulfill every ****** whim


And what are you left with?

When all you seek is connection...
His heart... His dreams... His depth...

Nothing

You're left with a broken heart
Broken dreams
Because he is your all
He is your centre
And you mean nothing to him
He has a life
He doesn't want you every hour

And there is no problem with that
Perhaps one loses one's purpose...
You become so involved in the other
That you seek purpose in fulfilling ****** whims
And it's not enough
When you're alone at night
In your cold bed
With your thoughts shallow
And swimming wildly in your mind
He has no care

He wants ***.
He wants your body.

Your heart is nothing.

Leave
Leave...

Give yourself some time
You miss you
Be you, my love
Your eyes are sad
And you are no longer you
Where is your God loving heart?
What happened to you...

I know I shouldn't say this
I know
I know I shouldn't miss you
I shouldn't want you
I shouldn't think I need you because
I don't
Well that's what I keep on telling myself
You've caused me so much pain
Yet I miss you with such an ache in my heart
And God, God, I know I shouldn't
He's broken me
God, take this out of me
Take it out!
I do not wish to have him again
I do not wish for the hurt he caused me
The way he made me hate every man
And fear to succumb to any man's love
Or comment on my appearance
For the fear he caused in me...
The fear of man taking away that innocence...
God, he was my muse
God, I do not want him to be my muse any longer
God, I want a new muse
God, give me a muse
Give me a passion that will ignite
God, give me a love that I cannot get out of my heart
God help me
God help me
I need a new muse
I need to find my muse in a newfound love
In a high romance
I want a passion
And a crimson heart
That is set on fire
From that romance
God, help me
Help me
Find
My
New
Muse.

Drowning

beneath a sea
of tears

from dreams
put to a

*silent death.

You put a stone in my palm
One that was buried in the sand of the beach
One that had a home in the sea

And you said to me,
"Throw it. And throw it far.
This represents him.
All the pain he created in your life.
All the turmoil and heartache
And the pieces of your heart
That still long for him.
Throw it as far as you can
And let him go."

Tears escaped my eyes
And I knew in my heart you were gone
I don't long for you anymore
I don't miss you
I'm not angry
Although I do feel sympathy
I feel sorry for the man you are
And I pray to God you heal
And can treat a woman right one day
The way he treats me...
No woman deserves the hell you put me through
But it's in the past
It's been a good long six months
I think it's time I let go
I think it's time I stop looking through our messages
I think it's time I give him my whole heart
Every part of me
Well, the broken piece left after all you took
You took everything I had
I gave you all I had
But he, he cherishes this piece
Although it's broken,
It is sacred to him
He's healing me slowly
He's making God the centre
He loves me... For real this time...
Not just empty words and empty promises

It's time I let you go, stranger
I don't believe I can call you by name anymore
I don't own you
You're not mine
I can't even call you ****** names
It's not right

So this is my goodbye
This is my letting go
With the stone falling into the waves
And carried into tide
Stranger,
I'm letting you go.

And that night
That wondrous, victorious night
We betrayed our morals
And we drank
Without an ounce of fear in our eyes
We laughed
And allowed the hazy liquid to
Smother our lips
Our lips quivered and shook
From its great immensity
Its strength and valour
As if this bottle was a knight
In a ****** battle
Addict
To the smell of blood
His vigorous effort to defeat the enemy...
Sober, the enemy
Was defeated before the night turned
Pitch black with whispers
Of pale yellow light

And we drove off...
Slowly into the night
As her sheer darkness kissed us

We laughed
The car shook from side to side
Like maniacs we drove

The sound of screaming brakes
I caught my breath
And we stopped
Our eyes bewildered
At the monstrous truck...
Bright terrible lights
That shined...

On our terrified faces
Of what could've been
Death on this road
On the tar pavement...

What could've been
But what was not

We were alive
Breathing heavily
Hearts dropped to the ground
With defeat

Defeated by the idea of life itself...

And our tongues rapidly swept the land
Of this new self discovery
Of a life that must be lived
Of a life
That begs and pleads
For us to live
To breathe
To have a story to tell from each day
To live fully
And effervescently

I say
Live.

To me, you are absolutely fascinating
As if an artifact for only me to gaze at
Like some marvellous discovery
that is for only me to find
a great epiphany that will foresee my future
You are my perfect discovery
A theory I long to conjure
You are a hypothesis I am willing to test
An experiment to conduct
To pick at and investigate
I am out to discover
A brilliant creation
To prove my thoughts correct
Because, to me, you are "absolutely fascinating."

I'm sick of being sad
I hate it
I hate that you wrenched my heart out
And you don't even give a ****
I hate that I trusted you
I hate that I let you hurt me
I hate that you've mutilated my heart
I am sick of being sad

10 minutes.
I give myself 10 minutes to be sad
To dwell in this
Nostalgic pain
In my despicable melancholy

I have decided to fake it
To throw away this heavy heart
And
To guard my heart in a
secret place
A secret sanctuary
That will wait for a secret symphony
Where no one else can find it
I will speak of love and sweet days
But, I will not give my heart away so easily again
I refuse
I rebuke it

But I will keep this heart safe...
In My
Clean
Pure
Sanctuary
That you blackened...
I am cleaning it
Purifying it of your words
Of all your lies
And I am shaking
For I am cold
From this pain
And your icy, menacing words
Piercing me still...

No! I will cleanse myself
I will dive into a lake
And hold my breath
For as long as I can
To purify my heart

And I choose not to be sad
Because I am sick of being sad
I am sick of this lament song
I keep humming
Quieten down!

You have 19 seconds left
Of being sad
Because you are sick of being sad
You will purify your heart
You will no longer sing your lament song.

10 seconds, my darling
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1

I am sick of being...
Sad?
I will put on my facade
And no one will know
Of my ten minutes
Because I am sick
Of being
Anything but
My happy facade.

My muse...
You have returned
In your purest form
A screeching
And thundering roar
Oh my sweet muse
Drench me in your tears
I have thirsted so long for your touch on my lips
Quenched...
Your cataclysmic sounds
Deafening
Yet now I can finally hear
I can see
I can breathe your life again
I am alive

Thunder
Lightening
Rain
My muse
You have returned.

I'm scared
Of everything
I'm so scared of the reality of all this
Can I just avoid it please

My hip is sore
Maybe that's what's triggering this
It's making it real
The pain is reminding me
That's what's going to tell me
the truth

If I'm ok or not

Please let me be ok
Please

I'm really scared

Love my
                 filthy
                                heart.

Come            to                            me
    
and


               Embrace



                                               Her.

It's crazy how life
Can be one thing for so long
And one moment life
Everything changes
Everything is different
And suddenly you're on a different path
Life is predictable
Don't you dare think
You can control
This whirlwind temptress
We call life

God, today I am lonely
My heart is wrought and I am empty
I have fought
I have battled

But, God, today I was dancing with you
My King
I was praising Your Mighty Name
And you were dancing with me
As I praised
As I sang aloud
With no fear
And i made a promise
That I would not allow you to leave my heart
You have been jealous
Jealous of these men who have tried to  take your place
You are a jealous God and you have every right to be
I have disregarded Your Presence
I am Sinner
And God, I beg for your forgiveness
Forgive me for lusting
Forgive me for losing myself
Forgive me for forgetting to call Your Name!
God, Dwell in me!
Stay here in this sanctuary
I do not want a man to take Your Sacred Place
I want You
I want a heart like Yours
I am Your Lily of the Valley
And I wish to never wander from Your Arms
Lord, I need you
God, please stay beside my heart

God, I beg you
Stay in my heart, my King
I have come into the Holy of Holies
To Dwell
To stay
To be with you
God, I beg you
Let me stay here...

We have this set of ideals
We wish to follow in life
Like science has its ideal gas laws
And chemical balances they wish to succeed
So do we
We wish to be like an ideal Gas
Although every physicist knows it cannot be
Every gas strives for this
Like us
We say
"on my wedding day, I'll..."
"I'll name my child..."
"When I'm rich, I'll..."
We have these ideals
This set of rules each of us wishes to achieve
Because it's a chronological set we're supposed to achieve
We have this plan
And when life visualises our plan,
She scoffs and laughs
Ha
Ha
You dare think
You can control me?
With your stupid ideals
That don't exist
Tragic
You are not an ideal gas
You play by my rules...
And she takes our page
Our artistic scribbles and childish naive hearts around the page
And she rips it...
But not right down the middle... No no...
She tears slowly...
Destroying every little dream one at a time
She takes a black marker
And she foils our plans
Ever so slightly
Oh but she manipulates our dream

I can never be an ideal gas, can I, life?
You're much too harsh to allow me that
Small wish.

Truly I have not found the meaning of life
But I've found a hypothesis
A theory I believe true
How to live a full and extraordinary life
In your own sense of the word extraordinary
Is to be happy...
Grasp the mundane
Dance with the simple sweet days
Where you do not allow the slightest irritation to let anger boil out of you
You suppress the urge to be angry at everyday...
You embrace those subtle, silent moments
Of pure joy
Or even just a moment where the slightest smirk
Adorns your lips
Or your eyes smile at something so small and intricate
You do not need large, extravagant moments in your life...
Embrace the mundane
Sip the sweet silent moments
As if they are delectable wine you treasure on your palate...

Hush.
Be quiet for just a moment
And embrace the terrific anger of that time
The heat of the fight
The applause from the crowd as you walk on the stage
Embrace
Embark on a journey where mundane becomes perfection

This is my recipe for you
Life will never be perfect
Granted, there will be moments of perfection
But not every single day
But do not despair, my sweet

So often you find your dream seems so out of reach
You try to clutch onto it
But it is just too far for your hands to clutch onto

And I say wait

Wait patiently
Because time is raw
And it does not wait for when you are ready
It grabs you by the arms
At the worst time
At the most unnecessary time
And gives you exactly what you need...
Just not when it's right for you...

And time will never listen to you
Your plans will not fall into place
The way you wish them to
Time has a way of taking that plan
And crumbling every detail into a ball
And throwing it the hounds to chew
And make it into a new plan
Your original 'perfect plan' defiled and mutilated

Yes, life is a terrible circus
But I wish that you will walk on
You will try your best to follow your dreams
And walk the path life leads you on
Embrace the mundane
And the heat of the moment when despair stares you in the eyes and anger boils inside of you
I say
Embrace
Embrace time not listening to you
Embrace the moments of sadness
Embrace every adventure you embark on
And allow light To flood your eyes
And your heart to feel full of love
You will find a way to cope
It is not over yet...

This is my hypothesis
My simple theory
And I pray somehow
It may help a tired soul...

I have an aching in my heart
And I'm not sure it can be cured
It bashes and begs to be heard
It begs to lunge out in tears and wreckless screaming
It screeches and longs to be heard
It tumbles out in fear and endless longing
I am afraid
I am deeply afraid
I'm afraid of it coming back
I'm afraid of losing hope
I feel guilty that I am ok
And she is not
God what is your purpose with me
I am filled with a hunger for love and lust
to feel safe in another's arms again
I miss everyone who's ever made me feel safe
I long to be touched
To be wanted
I'm starting not to hate myself anymore
I kind of like me
Until I try on a pair of jeans
That doesn't fit right
Then I hate me again
I hate my mirror
F*
I have so much to be grateful for
Yet I feel so alone
So afraid
So numb
So scared

As the needle hit my skin
I flashed back to 6 months ago
The first blood test
The day before I was diagnosed
As I cried
I couldn't stop crying
As I begged the nurse to pray for me
I begged and I begged God
That it wouldn't be true
I begged

I was normal then
I wasnt crooked
I guess there really is something wrong with me now
I'm traumatized
My mind isn't mine anymore
It's been defiled by cancer
By the experiences
And the fear of death
Just hearing it sends me to tears
I can't shake the feeling
That I merely escaped
Death

I'm a crooked little girl now
Bent by cancer
Skewed by pain
Pierced by constant needles
And traumatized

Pain lurks in every Crack and crevice of my mind
I'm damaged now

I'm not me anymore, am I?
I don't even find this crooked girl beautiful anymore
I hate the mirror
I hate this crooked girl I look at
Her eyes scream
She's not innocent anymore
She reeks of pain
She's crooked

Someone was shot today
And I don't know why
But I succumb to this sadness
And I have this ache to live
To breathe
To do everything
Before my life may sink
I think of 'living life to the fullest'
I have this urge to call you
Because I know I love you and I don't want to lose you again
Like the last time...
Where we just ended
And never spoke again
No, I don't want that
I love you
And gosh, I wish you knew
I wish you knew that I am praying for you
Praying for you from Isaiah 29
Waiting for you, praying that you come back into my palm

But I heard that someone was shot today
Someone I never knew
I know you
I know I love you
And I don't want anything to happen to you
I love every intricate part of you
And I miss you, my love
And I wish that apology meant something
I know it did
Because you don't aplogise unless it was eating you up inside

Someone was shot today
And I realize that I need to speak to you
I need you
I want you

Someone was shot today
And I hate the thoughts bustling through my mind
These thoeries and beliefs that I ponder on
My hopes and dreams that I pray to accomplish
The way you remind me of my dreams...

Someone was shot today
And I want to feel alive
I want to run to you and I want to kiss you
I want you to feel my love
I want every part of you
And I want to live my life to the fullest in you
I need you

Someone was shot today
Someone was lost today
And I don't want to lose you

I feel as if I could diagnose myself with something


A disease of sorts
A mindset
Something I've allowed myself to journey into...

This world of no purpose
No joy
****** surrendering
A loss of innocence

Becoming an adult perhaps

I am unsure

I feel a heaviness in my heart

What am I?

Could it be?

How can I be so morbid?

Why don't my eyes light up anymore?

What am I?

I'm afraid to say it

Perhaps I'm being dramatic
Getting ahead of myself

Help me.

A chorus of layered sounds singing as one unit like a melodious choir, I heard the crepuscular creatures chirping along their bird sounds and awakening the night sky and dawning the morning sun. They sang with charisma and grace as the brazen sun  showed her hidden face.
A melodious cacophony of sounds to be heard in such early morning's grace.
A disarray of chaotic beauty.
These are the clamorous, yet elegant sounds of my morning song.

As I stand
Here
In this Pew,
In this church
Or Perhaps in this school hall
I am granted the ability to
Sing
At the top of my lungs
And I ponder on the meaning
Of worship
Of Praise
As I stand
I watch faces filled with doubt,
Filled with a mesmerised odd
Trance
They do not think of what they utter from their lips
They do not ponder Your Greatness
They stand weakly, hands at their sides
And merely sing
Without a thought in mind
What is worship?
What is praise?
Do we sing with all our being
As we pronounce our Heavenly Father's Holy Name?
Is worship not standing in the throne room
Before our Mighty God, our King, Creator of Heaven and Earth.

We are merely humans
Created by our Mighty Ruler
We stand before the Great I Am
And should we not sing with gratitude?
Should we not sing Praise to the One who made every intricate detail of our being
Our Prince who lives in the Sacred Sanctuary of our hearts...
Do we actually worship?
Lift our Hands as we Praise His Mighty Name
Because we are washed by His Blood
The Blood of Christ
Should we not
Praise him?
Worship him?
And adore Him?
The One who gave us the breath of life.

As I stand here,
I watch
And I ponder,
As you stand in the throne room
Do you worship the King?
Or do you stand meekly
Before the One who created your inmost being?

And so we spoke...

We sat on an icy green bench
Misty claws at our lips

Yes, we spoke

Pedestrians passed us by
A glance here and there
At our steaming conversation in this icy seclusion

We spoke

Long and hard
About all that had broken us
Everything they have ever said to us
To destroy and decapitate our effervescent souls

We spoke for much longer

I told you quietly
Softly
That there is a pit inside me
Drenched in void and emptiness
A pit filled with no passion
Loss
Pain
Envy
A broken heart

We spoke...

I told you how...
I never knew Writer's Block
Or perhaps a Passion Block
Could last so long...
Three years in fact

We spoke...
And finally you stopped me.

You spoke

And you told me to ignite it

And I begged...
I pleaded

"How?"

You told me to get a blank page
And write
Write the biggest load of nonsense
Write because you can
Write and ignite that fire again
Write with passion
Write about darkness, envy, betrayal
Every emotion that has ever crossed your mind
But ******, girl... Write!

And flames drew up inside my heart
My silent ember sang again
There was warmth in this icy cold
Enveloping us

Oh...
How we spoke
That evening...
An icy evening...
Just you and I.

Conflicted, Confused and Contemplating all I knew
Is how you left me
Because you healed me
You loved me
Is what I thought
But now I am filled with wrought
I dread the day I see you again
Because I don't know where to begin
You lead me down a sweet, silent path
Where you mended my wounds and fixed every scar
You distracted me from the world unknown
And you took me away to somewhere over the rainbow
I think I always will love you
And I hate that you have that grip on me
My first love
Blocked me from your life
And everlasting strife
You've deleted me from your words, your page
Does anger even have an age?
For I never know
When I will feel good again, when I will forget
The day you took my heart
Held it in your palm
And ripped in every scar...
I forgive you.
I loved  you.
I hate you.
But you will always be dear to me
In this conflicted place in my heart
Filled with confusion
Contemplating what I once knew....

I don't want you to be
The inspiration for any of my poems anymore
You don't deserve that
You never deserved that privilege

I don't think you forget the day You meet the love of your life...
I don't believe that yearning disappears
It stays
It's deepens a part of you that can't be withdrawn
And you succumb to this withdrawal
To being totally overtaken and consumed by this love...

I remember it so clearly...
Our eyes met and I recall his were filled with mischief
While mine glowed with an air of bewilderment at this treasure I had found...

I don't think you forget the feeling of falling in love

Ever so softly
You let yourself collapse into love's arms

And that is precisely what I did...
On meeting, I had fallen into his arms
Gratitude to my 6 inch heels I hadn't imagined being that uncomfortable...

But he caught me, ever so swiftly...

And I don't think you can forget such a violent heated meeting
Smiling up at him
At his charming smile
Due to the fact that he just saved you from utter disaster and embarrassment...

Oh, but I embark on this journey...
Of love...
Of this meeting that has led us so far
And I embrace this love
Wholeheartedly
Nothing could compare to such a feeling
Of love
Of us
Of he and I


You see...
I don't think that feeling ever disappears
After the first meeting.
For me, it has grown ever since
My love for him
And I yearn
For it to continue on and on...

The gait of one who is in love...
Is something profound and quite extraordinaire
One tends to have a certain skip to your walk
A sort of trot
A kind of spontaneity of happiness and zeal
It's quite bizarre
You have a microscopic spec of sanity in your soul that has this ability to expand and consume your being
You are at peace
Your gait is that of wander
And excitement
You are happy
Your soul is alive
You are in love.

Love
What a hopeless pitiful dream you are
The books...
They lied.
You're not unconditional
You're conditional and you deteriorate
You destroy
You pester
And you gnaw at my character
You chip away pieces of me
You are my greatest disaster
My biggest mistake

Purple sky, purple sky
Wake me up in the morn
Where sleep calls my name
Longing for me to return to slumber
I see you
Sky, purple sky
And you remind me
A new day is upon us
And I must
Wake up

Her father was a drunk
Yet she,
She tried to stay sane
She never allowed a sip to touch her lips
She smoked
And she wrote
A lot
About everything she'd ever seen in her life
She lived casually
Forgetful
A quiet
Yet spontaneous life
Carefree
And an enigma to those
Who watched her live.

O God
I am Your daughter
I am Your Bride
Dancing before you in the throne room
Pure as snow
White
Shielded by Your Love
O Mighty God
I'm healing
I surrender my heart to you
I surrender my passions to you
I am Yours
O Jesus
I want to dance in your light again
I want to dance and praise You in Your Throne Room
I want to sit at Your feet
O God
Mercy me
For you were made to be praised
Reverence to You o God
For You give a peace greater than any other
You shield my heart
O God
Forgive me
I am Your Daughter
And You,
You have made me pure again
I am covered by Your Mighty Blood
O God
You are healing me
Ever so slowly
Yet I am patient with Your Pace
o God
Be my centre
And dwell In me forever
Amen

Out of the ashes, she will rise shouting her name.

"Money money money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world"

I feel this
Quite strongly
How money can be such a waste
In the hands of a foolish man

Who squander
And spend on sights
And grand designs
And delectable foods

Just to say
"I have..."
"I've seen..."

But I ask you,
Man with money easily in his grip...
Have you ever seen death before your eyes
Have you ever had your dreams shattered?
Have you?!
Rich man
Money man!!
Have you ever lost...
Have you ever felt anything
But glory at that money that so easily touches your fingertips
Money man!
I'm speaking to you
Do you hear me?

Have you lived?
Have you truly loved...

Have you ever seen a man lose his voice
Have you ever seen a man lose his legs

And I'm not talking about a documentary
Or some video on YouTube
Or a movie you pronounced was "deep"

Have you seen it with your heart?
Have you felt his pain
That stares you in the eyes
As his tortured soul claws behind his eyelids
Screaming
"can you hear me?"
Behind my blinking eyes
And this **** machine that speaks for me...

Oh money man,
Have you ever been inspired by someone other than yourself...
By your grand reputiour...
And the life you've made for yourself...

Oh money man...
I used to envy You
With your high romance
And life of grandeur and limelight

Although, I think you envy me
For I have seen more than you
My eyes are filled with courage because I live on
Even though I have seen the hardness of this life
Death has crossed my eyes
And I,
I hold no fear

But you,
You, Mr Money Man,
Your eyes...
They
Are
empty.

Hello Poetry,

I haven't spoken to you in quite a while
I've been contemplating
Wondering
Dreaming
Shattered my old dreams
And now i try to salvage the remains

However, I have a question for you...
You, Hello Poetry
You are the only hero to my broken soul
Writing on here is my only outlet
My freedom
My writing dream...
And I ask...
As I contemplate the future
I wish to have one day...
Who are you all?
Who are you?
You brilliant minds...
What careers did you choose to follow?
What made you write?
What created this desire inside you to escape life with writing?
Who made you into a writer?
Books? Influential figures in your life? Moments?Experiences?
What has caused you to have a constant flow of words from your palms?
Who are you?
Are you writers?
Are you artists?

I apologise for these questions...
So demanding and prodding at your lives...

I am merely curious...
You see, I don't want to lose my spark...
The writing spark...
I don't want it to diminish into nothing if I choose a monotonous, boring career...

I just want to know your secret, Hello Poetry...

How do you keep the spark?
Who are you?


My love to all you brilliant writers
Of poetry that soothes my aching heart
In moments of need

God bless.

You ended it
The week I said no
The week I said
I wanted to slow down
The week I said
I wanted to get closer to God again
The week I said
I wanted God to become the centre of our relationship
The week I said
No
The week I said no more touching
The week I said no more
The week I said
No to ***

And I am very insecure
Is that all I was?
Was I just an object of lust and desire?

My heart aches
I feel used
And I hate you more each day

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so freaking sorry
I'm sorry for ******* us up
I'm sorry for being such a mess then
I'm sorry for making you not feel like a man
I'm sorry for begging so many times
I'm sorry that I made you stop believing in love
I'm sorry that we stopped trying
I'm sorry you fell out of love with me
I'm sorry for everything I said that hurt you
I'm so sorry
I truly I am
Please know I mean it
Please

There's a certain
Spontaneity
In the art of a kiss
One has to be witty
Smooth
And thoughtful
About the sacred act
One has to envelop themselves in the moment
Completely
Breathe in the silence
See the glow in her eyes
Lean in
Ever so slowly
Slowly now,
Easy...
One can't be too rapid
Or quick
She might fret
And run off
Easy now...
Gently...
With a palm on her cheek

Ah
There you go

You've kissed her
With precision and art
Yet with a mark of Spontaneity
That only she sees
In your vicious art.

Who would love me
When I've got nothing left to give
Who would love me
When I'm a broken pitiful mess
Who would love me
When I've given up my dreams for the man with money
When I've given up poetry because I'm too afraid of the truth that spills from my fingertips
Who would love me
With my broken aching soul
Who would love this
This thing
This being
Who would love this
Stupid mess
I've become

And so I sit in my box
My life planned out for me
Every footstep paved for me
My eyes are morbid, still
I have no dream
It is dying slowly
This colourful life I invisioned for myself
Is slowly, ever so quietly
Becoming nothingness
My dream is dead
My eyes no longer light up with passion
This it what I am

Christmas spirit, where have you disappeared to?
I remember as a child
Awaiting the day
With so much delight and excitement within my heart
The night before
Sneaking outside to leave a few carrots for the reindeer,
A special plate of biscuits left
Beside the Christmas tree
For dear Santa Clause
And making a bet
With my best friend
Protesting that Father Christmas was real
And that I'd stay up until 12
To see the red cloak
Come to sight
However,
To my dismay
I could not stay up so late
And so I awoke
Alas, not beside the Christmas tree
Where I fell asleep
In sweet reverie
No, in my bed
With a million
Dazzling thoughts
Running through my head

And then a thought
Today was Christmas
And Santa obviously would've come
And so I rushed
Rushed to my precious green tree
To find presents just for me
And I'd unwrap
Without a glance at the card
Seeing my mother's gaze
And her sweet smile
As I giggled at the gifts
Like a giddy clown

Excitement
Chatter
Joy and love
These are the perfect words
I remember
Of the Christmas
I once knew and loved

But, now the reverie has seemed to pass
Where's the Christmas spirit gone?
For now I am an adult
and I must behave like one
"You can't believe in such foolery anymore, young one"

Christmas used to be exciting
Something I'd look forward to all year
However, now I sit with the memory etched in mind
And I wonder
What on earth has become of the Christmas cheer?
For now I sit at family gatherings
Eat, drink and-
And
And
that's it.

I miss my childhood
Where I believed in everything
Myths were real
And the stars knew everything
They knew it all
I believed in the second star to the right
In magic and in flight

But for now I sit
And I ponder about
The long forgotten Christmas spirit.

I love you in the most divine way
A sensual feeling
That is inert
I fell in love with your soul
And I can not undo
What has been done
This love for you
Will not be buried in the ground
No, my love
My soul is yours for eternity...

I read the poems that
Used to make me ache for you
They comforted me in a time of need
They were part of my healing

I read them again
And I no longer ache as read the words adorning the page
Words of pain and betrayal
And suffering
And I feel nothing

I think I have healed
I hope so

Do you ever feel so hurt
That you're so afraid
To ever open your heart to anyone
Ever again
You can't give yourself away again
You can't
You can do it when you're intoxicated
And life is a breeze
And maybe *** isn't such a bad idea
But then he wants more
And you're afraid
You're afraid he's going to break you
You're afraid to give your heart away again
You need to mend still...
It's been two months but you still need to heal
You need time, you think
But what if years go by and you're still afraid to love again?
What if you can never give yourself away again...
What if you're so afraid...
You opened up to him
And he broke you
Every single day of that **** year
He broke you down
And he wore at your soul daily
He took away your charisma
And lust for life
He made you lust for his body
He made you into an object of ***
That he abused
That he had not a single Care for
He hated you
He loathed you
He would call you worthless after he promised he would heal your heart and take care of it
He promised a 1 Corinthians 13 type of love
O God...he promised
And he lied
And he's made me afraid to ever trust any man again with my heart
Oh baby girl, he broke you
And you are still mending
You will be that phoenix and you will rise up again.
Oh but God it hurts
And I still can't forgive him
I can't forgive him for taking a year
For kissing her lips
With his coffee laced perfect lips that would grace mine ever so easily...
I can't forgive him
For lying about where his body had been just before my fingers caressed and tried to please every need he had
O God what was so wrong with me?
What was wrong?
Could i not please him?
Was I not good enough
Was I so horrible
Were my insecurities too much for him
Well he had pronounced that my insecurities would be the downfall of our relationship
O God, surely my jealousy had reason after I hear all he had done behind my back
When he kissed my lips softly and whispered
"trust me baby"
And I crumbled to the floor
O God...
Help me
I don't know if I can ever trust again after this
Heal me
And make me Your Daughter again...

Perhaps this generation has lost the art of mystique
To keep oneself pure
To be loved fully
To be embraces with sincerity
Perhaps I've lost my art of mystique
To guard my heart...

Oh my love...
Oh my sweet, sacred heart...
Come here
Find your rest
Find a peace in Me you have never felt before...
For you are Mine
My Sinner, My Blood has conquered all you fear
You are Mine
You are broken
Weak
And the wings you are trying to fly with
Have been bashed and broken by this harsh world that carves their heartache into your pure heart
My Love
Listen to Me
I have the answers you seek
My Blood is the Saviour you need...
For I am The Prince of Peace
And you will find that insatiable desire in My Word
My Blood
Covers you, my soldier
You are My Warrior
And I need you to fight for Me
As I did for you...
As I bore myself bare for you
On that Cross...
I am your Saviour
Fight for Me in your Land.

I come outside
Naked and bare
As you scream
Oh rain song
I have ignored you
I have stifled you
I come before you
Weak and unworthy
Drench me
In your sacred youth spring
Make me young again
Fill me with passion
Light up inside me
My knees collapse to the floor
And allow my hair to drip
Down my face
And I scream
I scream about
My Insecurities, my heartache,
All that is clenched inside of me
Oh rain song
Breathe on me again

Scream Oh rain song
Thunder and scream
And make me Yours again
Scream at me
Deafening screams
Fill me
Drench me
Make me Yours

I miss you
The old you
The loving you
The you who didn't get annoyed
Every time I say something

God, I don't know
They tell me to leave you
Why am I staying
I'm not happy
I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm insecure.
I feel worthless in your eyes.

Is this abuse?

Emotional...
Heart wrenching
Oh God
Help me

Appreciate your days
Appreciate morning filled with irritation.
Appreciate sunlight.
Appreciate fresh hair.
Appreciate every **** day
like it's a gift - because
that's what it is.

Life's unpredictable
And every day you get on this earth is
A Gift.

I remember the look in your hazel eyes
You had nothing left to give me
Your jaw was tight
And your eyes were fierce
You had given up inside
Ready to let go of me
Sick of me
And my **** tears
My moods
Everything that irritates you beyond yourself...
I remember your hazel eyes
On the brink of giving up on us.

I am so alone
Have I told you that
I am desperately craving someone to hold me again
Someone to desire every part of me
It's a vile and animalistic need
But it's real
And can't be tamed

You think you're better at life than me
Because you dance with flames
While I caress the steaming coals' weary backs

You think you're stronger than me
Because you unleash your inner wild man
While I sit back and allow my inner peace to overwhelm my senses and take me to place of 'zen'

You think you are wilder Than me
Because you roar out into the mysterious valleys, yelling all your troubles
While I whisper in the forests to the wonders of the whimsical world

You think you're braver than me
Because you can race to the top of the mountain to yell your name
While I stand back and watch you with idle eyes and Palms shaking with angst

You think you are better than me
Because you're confident and you have the guts to speak to who you love without an ounce of fear
Yet I, I allow my voice to shake and tremble when I speak with conviction to the one I love

You think because you smile at the world with that facade of a smile, they like you
Yet I grin at times of sincerity to my dear one I love and My heart swells with heat at This love

You think saying I love you means that you actually do
You say it to cover your actions and slip ups
While I say it in a tender gaze and favors for the one I adore

Oh
You were disillusioned
For I am not as brave as you
As loud as you
Nor as wild as you

You are the demon within every liar.
You are the raging fire within every arrogant man.
You are the burning desire within his lustful approach to love
You are the deadliest sin
You are confident and undeniably blasé about the blade you cut into every man

You are a burning sensation
A desire
Lust
And words of nothingness

You are everything he was.

You are his darkness within.

I was always taught that the wind howled...
But the wind doesn't howl...
It screamed.. It's screeched...
It sang out as loud as it could
Hoping the world would hear her roar...
She screeched
She bellows
Her voice thunders through the world
She is enraged by you
Your dispassionate
Inpoignant life
Scream! Screech!! Shriek!
No...
the wind does not howl
With a howl of mourning
She screeches in pain
In envy
And detests your hopeless life.