I wish I was okay

Dear Damian

You emotionally abused me

And you were on the verge of physical
Abuse

Especially one day when you punched your hand
Right next to my face

I hope you heal

Maybe we'll meet again.
And you'll be happy.
And I'll be happy.
But not together.
Never together.
We were toxic, baby,
And only we knew
But yet we never said
We knew it
But we were silent

No one sees behind
Those pasted smiles

No one sees the tears
No one sees the screaming
No one sees the fear

Nobody knows how bad it was

Because baby, we had smiles
Pasted to our faces

Maybe we meet again
But I hope not anytime soon
Because you and I
Together
It's some toxic chemistry baby

"Take you thoughts
And go shove them into a poem."
Thanks babe
How I ever dated you, I don't know what I was thinking
If you can mock what is dear to me
If you can treat me like trash
If you can break me down without a care
You are nothing to me

My Love,

I want you to know something

I loved you. I loved you with all I was.

Everything we did...
It was never lust for me... For me, it was love.
I would have never done those things unless it was love.
I did them out of sacrificial love. I enjoyed it, but it was never ****** for me. I loved you.
I did them because I loved you and I thought you were going to be my forever. I honestly thought I was going to marry you
As you always proclaimed

"My love. My life. My future. My wife."

Guess that was just another one of your lies.

It's quite something
when all the
lies come out

One by one.

Slowly
they bite at you
and try to numb your mind...

And then you inhale
the smell of truth.
The comedy of it all.
What a fool you were
and what a fool he is.

Oh, all your lies, baby,
they'll come out
soon enough
for the world to see

Oh, how you broke me
Eyes of a demon
Hands of a lover
Whispers of intricacies unknown
O my, how you'd make me feel inside...
Intimate
And whisper, O I love you my dear

Oh, demon eyes,
How did I not know?
That you would bring me to my downfall...
How you would break me...
How you made me replace love with lust

Oh, demon eyes
All I saw was that pretty innocent face
And I loved,
Oh how I loved you

Demon eyes,
Stay away
You are nothing to me now
You are no one.

You know when I knew my dream had come true?
They felt goosebumps from my voice.
They were singing along to my voice.
And that was my dream. Right there. Coming true before my eyes.
They loved me.
They cheered.
They sang praises.
They sang along to my voice. They mouthed the lyrics.
I wrote a song.
I'm getting there.
I'm becoming me again.

a moment of serenity...
after the rain
that drenched my lips
and soaked my eyes
After all the tears...
Come home, baby girl
Be the girl in shining armour
Once again

I feel as if
We use the words
"heart-broken"
Too easily
So callously
So nonchalant
But no one knows
How it feels
What it truly means to
Have your heart shattered
broken in a million pieces
As your fingers bleed
When you try to pick them up
Try to mend your broken heart
No one knows this pain
The reality of a broken heart
The pang
The sting
The hole left inside of you
For months on end
Nobody understands
The true actual pain
Of a broken
Shattered
Heart

What would be wrong
If I
Forgave him
For all the lies...
For touching her lips instead of mine...
What would be so wrong with that?

O God
Take this pain

You made me a victim
You allowed me to
Stop believing in love
When you kissed my lips with no passion
With her lips there before mine...
You made me beg
You made me plead
And you made me think that everything was my fault
That I was the cause for our downfall
That I was the reason we broke
Yet you
You with your hazel eyes
You caused our death
You kissed her lips
And took away my trust in love
How can I love again after you
You disgusting, immature piece of manure
I hate you
You
You are dead to me.

I don't know what to do
My heart is aching
Someone help me
Take this pain away please

I don't know if you and I can make each other happy
I don't know how we're going to make this work
I don't
And my blue eyes are lost
In this misery
I can't
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm lost baby
I'm so lost

I remember the look in your hazel eyes
You had nothing left to give me
Your jaw was tight
And your eyes were fierce
You had given up inside
Ready to let go of me
Sick of me
And my **** tears
My moods
Everything that irritates you beyond yourself...
I remember your hazel eyes
On the brink of giving up on us.

Who would love me
When I've got nothing left to give
Who would love me
When I'm a broken pitiful mess
Who would love me
When I've given up my dreams for the man with money
When I've given up poetry because I'm too afraid of the truth that spills from my fingertips
Who would love me
With my broken aching soul
Who would love this
This thing
This being
Who would love this
Stupid mess
I've become

I can feel her trying to crawl out of me
Out of the nest I've sown tightly around her
She's fighting...
I can feel her breathing
I can't numb her bashing anymore as a faint itch
I feel her
Scratching and clawing at the walls...
She will not be defeated...
She needs me to set her free...
But I still whisper,
"Hush. It's not quite the right time yet...
I don't know if it ever will be."

Just to know that he loves me
And that everything is going to be okay
That's all I need

It's you...
When I'm alone at night and I can't seem to breathe
It's you
When I can't see between the blur of tears
It's you
When I can't feel my feet
And I feel like I'm flying
It you
When I can't seem to see behind the waves
It's you
When I'm cold and alone and no one loves me anymore
It's you
When I'm angry and I can't place any of my thoughts
It's you
When I need a calm place
It's you
When I need to smile
It's you
Who lights up my eyes
It's you
Whose made me dream in colour again
It's you...
It's you.
It's always been you.
You calm the storm and you make me
Me.

What scared me most about being a writer was...
The paranoia
The fear
The tragic ending of that brilliant tale...
I would come up with most adventurous, thrilling stories
With intrigue and suspense
Real life drama
But paranoia wouldn't leave me
I'd think
And I'd wonder
What if it was me...
What if...
What if...
I wonder of the damaged soul you have
How much you think
My dear writer...
I could never be you
I'd be much too afraid of the dark unknown.

Love doesn't last.
It dies and romance fades
and fights brew and
nothing is left but
ashes in the wind
of your broken, pitiful heart.

Ai
I am at loss
I find that it is a Poetic injustice
Poetic injustice I say!
This fading of romance
And doe eyes filled with love
Romance is crucial!
Don't you see it
She breathes it
It's what she was taught!
That all this would be laced with romance
What a sham this is
Romance dies
And it left me behind
To stare down
At this Poetic injustice!

I miss you
The old you
The loving you
The you who didn't get annoyed
Every time I say something

God, I don't know
They tell me to leave you
Why am I staying
I'm not happy
I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm insecure.
I feel worthless in your eyes.

Is this abuse?

Emotional...
Heart wrenching
Oh God
Help me

I've always been fascinated by mist
This white purity
That can be so dark
And so cruel
Abducting
And blinding
You white darkness

Your satin fingers
Touch
So soft
So pure

And you **** with menace
White darkness
Swallow me in
Engulf me in your blinding light

Oh, sweet white darkness...
How you mystify me.

They've painted an unrealistic picture for us
Of a man
Who treats you like a treasured item
So valuable
And so exquisite
They lied

They lied, baby girl
They  lied
They lied
They lied

Those fairy tales are a lie
Those romantic stories are all wrong

No man will treat your like a jewel
You are an annoyance to him
He won't treat you like you're worthy of the greatest love
He won't make you feel special
You won't remember the scent of him on you

That passion will die
Those hungry kisses die
It all dies

They lied, baby girl
They lied

"Money money money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world"

I feel this
Quite strongly
How money can be such a waste
In the hands of a foolish man

Who squander
And spend on sights
And grand designs
And delectable foods

Just to say
"I have..."
"I've seen..."

But I ask you,
Man with money easily in his grip...
Have you ever seen death before your eyes
Have you ever had your dreams shattered?
Have you?!
Rich man
Money man!!
Have you ever lost...
Have you ever felt anything
But glory at that money that so easily touches your fingertips
Money man!
I'm speaking to you
Do you hear me?

Have you lived?
Have you truly loved...

Have you ever seen a man lose his voice
Have you ever seen a man lose his legs

And I'm not talking about a documentary
Or some video on YouTube
Or a movie you pronounced was "deep"

Have you seen it with your heart?
Have you felt his pain
That stares you in the eyes
As his tortured soul claws behind his eyelids
Screaming
"can you hear me?"
Behind my blinking eyes
And this **** machine that speaks for me...

Oh money man,
Have you ever been inspired by someone other than yourself...
By your grand reputiour...
And the life you've made for yourself...

Oh money man...
I used to envy You
With your high romance
And life of grandeur and limelight

Although, I think you envy me
For I have seen more than you
My eyes are filled with courage because I live on
Even though I have seen the hardness of this life
Death has crossed my eyes
And I,
I hold no fear

But you,
You, Mr Money Man,
Your eyes...
They
Are
empty.

Oh little dancer
Auburn hair
With bright eyes
And broken heart
Whisk me away, little dancer
Pouted lips
Feet aching
You dance
And your eyes
They speak

Oh ballet dancer
Aching
Breaking
Calling out
To be noticed

Scream ballet dancer
Scream

I can hear you

Your babbling mouth won't stop
You've hit a nerve
You won't stop

Breathe

Poetry, I miss your subtle touch
I miss your sweet embrace
I miss your palms against my skin
Whimsically taking me away from this place...
Oh, Poetry
Touch me again

Church bells scream out to my lonely heart
Melancholic
Alone

I haven't been here in a while
It's musty
Old
A few cobwebs in sight...

Chained
I see her eyes
Empty and forlorn
She cowers
And screeches my name
Loud

"traitor"
"you left me here alone. To salvage for my self."

My eyes cast downwards...
I approach her
Her naked body bruised

She bites and lashes
Screams
Wails

Her body grey from time

I unchain her

She approaches me and straddles me

"I'm sorry" I whisper,
Tears on the verge of being spilt
Wait at my eyelids

And she stares
In wander
In anger
In peace.

I stare up at Myself
Quietly
And I weep.

I don't think you forget the day You meet the love of your life...
I don't believe that yearning disappears
It stays
It's deepens a part of you that can't be withdrawn
And you succumb to this withdrawal
To being totally overtaken and consumed by this love...

I remember it so clearly...
Our eyes met and I recall his were filled with mischief
While mine glowed with an air of bewilderment at this treasure I had found...

I don't think you forget the feeling of falling in love

Ever so softly
You let yourself collapse into love's arms

And that is precisely what I did...
On meeting, I had fallen into his arms
Gratitude to my 6 inch heels I hadn't imagined being that uncomfortable...

But he caught me, ever so swiftly...

And I don't think you can forget such a violent heated meeting
Smiling up at him
At his charming smile
Due to the fact that he just saved you from utter disaster and embarrassment...

Oh, but I embark on this journey...
Of love...
Of this meeting that has led us so far
And I embrace this love
Wholeheartedly
Nothing could compare to such a feeling
Of love
Of us
Of he and I


You see...
I don't think that feeling ever disappears
After the first meeting.
For me, it has grown ever since
My love for him
And I yearn
For it to continue on and on...

I wonder if I could ever
Dive into the sea
Dive into that pool of mystery
And never return
Wander into the abyss
Discover treasures of the world unknown
My secret place
I wonder these thoughts
Ever so Solemnly
Quietly
On my own.

I loved him in his fragility...
I basked in this beauty of the morn
Of he and I
In perfect serene
This place where time stood still
And I realise
Just how dear he is to me
I love him.

Solemnly
I sought out
To stretch
The last ounce of
Courage in my heart

The lights lead the way
Slowly
quietly
Leading the path to my destiny

I ponder this journey I take
Tiresome
Unpassionate
Money lust

Sigh

Such is life

Hello Poetry,

I haven't spoken to you in quite a while
I've been contemplating
Wondering
Dreaming
Shattered my old dreams
And now i try to salvage the remains

However, I have a question for you...
You, Hello Poetry
You are the only hero to my broken soul
Writing on here is my only outlet
My freedom
My writing dream...
And I ask...
As I contemplate the future
I wish to have one day...
Who are you all?
Who are you?
You brilliant minds...
What careers did you choose to follow?
What made you write?
What created this desire inside you to escape life with writing?
Who made you into a writer?
Books? Influential figures in your life? Moments?Experiences?
What has caused you to have a constant flow of words from your palms?
Who are you?
Are you writers?
Are you artists?

I apologise for these questions...
So demanding and prodding at your lives...

I am merely curious...
You see, I don't want to lose my spark...
The writing spark...
I don't want it to diminish into nothing if I choose a monotonous, boring career...

I just want to know your secret, Hello Poetry...

How do you keep the spark?
Who are you?


My love to all you brilliant writers
Of poetry that soothes my aching heart
In moments of need

God bless.

There's a certain
Spontaneity
In the art of a kiss
One has to be witty
Smooth
And thoughtful
About the sacred act
One has to envelop themselves in the moment
Completely
Breathe in the silence
See the glow in her eyes
Lean in
Ever so slowly
Slowly now,
Easy...
One can't be too rapid
Or quick
She might fret
And run off
Easy now...
Gently...
With a palm on her cheek

Ah
There you go

You've kissed her
With precision and art
Yet with a mark of Spontaneity
That only she sees
In your vicious art.

I need advice
This line keeps running through my Mind
And I can't seem to look at him the way I used to Anymore
He used to love me, you know
He used to be so in love with me
I used to be so overwhelmed
By how much he couldn't get enough of me
He was passionate about us
About making God the centre
About having a Godly love
Patient, kind...
The cliche Bible love
You promised
You promised you would love me

But a few months down the line...
You've seemed to change your mind
You don't want me anymore
You don't need me
I have no appeal in your life
I've given every piece of myself to you
Lost my innocent heart
That was so pure
A blinding white
But you've defiled my heart
And now it is stained
Pitch black
My mouth that was witty
And would speak purely and softly
Has turned into a sailor's mouth
I don't know what I've become
I honestly don't
And I've changed so much
And now you don't want this...
This creature you've created
Whose eyes are always reddened
Constantly tear stained
With a vulnerable broken
Black heart
Impure
Defiled
Broken

I'm not happy anymore
In this
In us

I miss God

I miss loving
With real passionate love

You're not in love with me anymore
This defiled creature...
Insecure.

Every time I look in your eyes
As we-

I hesitate

I mean
I
As... I try to fix us
As I try to look at you with love
All I hear when I look at you is...
"I'm not in love with you anymore."

I realise how alone I am...
How no one actually cares
He doesn't care
He never cares
He goes along life
Smiling eyes
Heart on his sleeves
Tranquil
And I sit here tormented by my demons
Tormented by my insecurities
By the shrivelled girl
Who sits weakly in my heart
Whimpering
Begging for someone to love her
For the right type of love
For someone to speak her love language so effervescent whispering
Passionately love her
Want her
Need her
She wants to be a priority
She wants to be a part of your life
Don't you get that?

He says he'll change
He says he cares
Ha
Ha
Ha

Empty promises
And the days go on
And she wanders
What the hell is she doing...

I think I need to be alone

I miss that feeling
Of being in love...

Love
What a hopeless pitiful dream you are
The books...
They lied.
You're not unconditional
You're conditional and you deteriorate
You destroy
You pester
And you gnaw at my character
You chip away pieces of me
You are my greatest disaster
My biggest mistake

"I'm not in love with you anymore"
You pronounced without a trace of doubt in yiur eyes
Nor a care
For my broken heart

I was always taught that the wind howled...
But the wind doesn't howl...
It screamed.. It's screeched...
It sang out as loud as it could
Hoping the world would hear her roar...
She screeched
She bellows
Her voice thunders through the world
She is enraged by you
Your dispassionate
Inpoignant life
Scream! Screech!! Shriek!
No...
the wind does not howl
With a howl of mourning
She screeches in pain
In envy
And detests your hopeless life.

Dear Day 12

You come again to me
Piles of writing at my feet
A sweet serene moment is unable to submerge
From your strong triumphant malicious glory
Work...
You do not allow my eyes to rest...
My body to slumber
Or my heart to feel at peace.
Work...
You are my greatest enemy
And you rule me
Every day is paved by you
You mold me
You've become all I am
And I rue the day you came into existence
For now I sit here
With my hand stained with ink
Eyes on the verge of tears
And I still carry on
With no sleep, no sleep...

With love
From the  girl who hates your name

Day 12...
My hands scribble your name with hatred and
A heart filled with anxious betrayal.

Take me back to the silence of the morning
The sweet serenity of gnawing sheets
Not persisting for this day to begin
Begging me to lie here
In sweet, sweet,
Morning air
Brisk
And sweet
Your lips tender
Saying
"stay here"

Oh, silence of the morning
I am nostalgic for your touch

My heart
Your shattered pieces
Lie idly on the floor
Tears in every gap
Wet
Gasping
You cry
You lie there
Your heart wrenched out
Deafened by the screams inside your soul
Cry, baby girl
For days and days
You cry
God, I can't
I can't take it any longer
I can't
I need a hero
I need someone to mend me
I can't take this broken feeling anymore
Somebody save me
Anybody
Please