I lost my youth


Where did my time go...
Where did it go
When did my youth dry up?
When did I become ma'am?
When did I become so old...

Oh you...
You awful disease...
You stole two years of my life
You stole everything
My beauty
My vulnerability
My porcelain skin
Undamaged
Perfect and pristine...
My tiny bodice
And my long hair that came to my hips

You stole my confidence

You stole my youth
You stole my life for two **** years

You...
You left me in tears...

But now, I will stomp on your face
I triumphed
And I refuse to speak to you again
You don't deserve my attention
You don't deserve anything of me
I refuse to speak about you after all you've done

You thief of my youth

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so freaking sorry
I'm sorry for ******* us up
I'm sorry for being such a mess then
I'm sorry for making you not feel like a man
I'm sorry for begging so many times
I'm sorry that I made you stop believing in love
I'm sorry that we stopped trying
I'm sorry you fell out of love with me
I'm sorry for everything I said that hurt you
I'm so sorry
I truly I am
Please know I mean it
Please

Little bird

How I envy you in flight, little bird
How I envy how you reach out and you bury yourself into the air
How you can so easily glide in the wind
And how you're free

How I envy you, little bird
How I envy your beak
That doesn't get disturbed when singing
That is able to speak out to truth to the world
Because you're free

How I envy you, little bird
How you're at peace with yourself
And the way you so gracefully show your peace within
Your peace with nature and all that is good
And the way you're free to be in whichever state you wish

How I envy you, little bird
How your feathers rustle in the wind
And the way you're covered from head to toe
The way you're not empty and alone
The way you feel at home
Because you're free

How I envy you, little bird
Because you're not trapped in this hospital room
You can go wherever you please
You're not sick like me

How I envy you, little bird
Because with all my heart I wish I was you
How I envy you, little bird
Because you're not me

You're free

I'm scared
Of everything
I'm so scared of the reality of all this
Can I just avoid it please

My hip is sore
Maybe that's what's triggering this
It's making it real
The pain is reminding me
That's what's going to tell me
the truth

If I'm ok or not

Please let me be ok
Please

I'm really scared

I get so angry with people
That don't respect death
That don't mourn
That don't give her the time of day
A moment of silence isn't enough
She needs more
How can we carry on as if nothing has happened
As if death didn't just happen in the most unnatural way
She was so young
So ready for her life to begin
On the verge
And you have no respect for her
You can't just act normal
You can't
Pay her some **** respect
Her death deserves more

Death is something so close to me
Something I've feared
And been so close to
I can't handle people
Who have no care for its eloquence
For its swift and careful precision
Of taking lives
Death be not proud

I have an aching in my heart
And I'm not sure it can be cured
It bashes and begs to be heard
It begs to lunge out in tears and wreckless screaming
It screeches and longs to be heard
It tumbles out in fear and endless longing
I am afraid
I am deeply afraid
I'm afraid of it coming back
I'm afraid of losing hope
I feel guilty that I am ok
And she is not
God what is your purpose with me
I am filled with a hunger for love and lust
to feel safe in another's arms again
I miss everyone who's ever made me feel safe
I long to be touched
To be wanted
I'm starting not to hate myself anymore
I kind of like me
Until I try on a pair of jeans
That doesn't fit right
Then I hate me again
I hate my mirror
F*
I have so much to be grateful for
Yet I feel so alone
So afraid
So numb
So scared

As the needle hit my skin
I flashed back to 6 months ago
The first blood test
The day before I was diagnosed
As I cried
I couldn't stop crying
As I begged the nurse to pray for me
I begged and I begged God
That it wouldn't be true
I begged

I was normal then
I wasnt crooked
I guess there really is something wrong with me now
I'm traumatized
My mind isn't mine anymore
It's been defiled by cancer
By the experiences
And the fear of death
Just hearing it sends me to tears
I can't shake the feeling
That I merely escaped
Death

I'm a crooked little girl now
Bent by cancer
Skewed by pain
Pierced by constant needles
And traumatized

Pain lurks in every Crack and crevice of my mind
I'm damaged now

I'm not me anymore, am I?
I don't even find this crooked girl beautiful anymore
I hate the mirror
I hate this crooked girl I look at
Her eyes scream
She's not innocent anymore
She reeks of pain
She's crooked

Dear You

I haven't thought about you for a while
I've been caught up in cancer
But there are times you wander my mind
When I hear phrases like
"he was the one"
"he made me laugh and he was so in love with me"
There is an incredible anger inside of me when I see your photos
And then there's a sadness when I see how my eyes used to shine with you
I was so happy with you
Inexplicably happy
I want that again
I miss you sometimes
But then I remember the pain you caused me
I remember the lies
I remember you blackening my name
I remember you being a prolonged rebound that got too serious too fast
I remember giving myself to you
And I regret it
I regret you

I am so alone
Have I told you that
I am desperately craving someone to hold me again
Someone to desire every part of me
It's a vile and animalistic need
But it's real
And can't be tamed

I never thought
I'd appreciate home so much...
The last time I was home
I was packing up for res
and had long hair
and life was normal.

The saddest,
most dramatic thing that happened
thus far was a stupid heartbreak
and I thought the was
the end of the world.

Then I got back to res
and I felt strange

My diagnosis happenened
and life changed completely
after a man
uttered three words into my life
that changed my life
into a series of
hurdles and challenges
and life completely changed
Nothing was normal anymore
Life's focus completely changes
and home is
a far, distant concept
unknown to you.

Home became a bubble
Home becomes a hospital room

I never knew
I missed my own bedroom so much
God, you never appreciate something until it's gone
do you?
You don't appreciate anything
until you hear
"you have cancer"
and your greatest fears come to life

You see your parents beg to God you'll live
You don't want to see them
because you don't want
reality to hit you

Then, you get home
and you have to
come out of this daze
This is real
This is happening

Cancer is so real
and in your face
You can't avoid it anymore
This happened
and you can't stay
in this little positive bubble
for too much longer

The bubble has burst
and reality has hit you
right in the face.

This happened.
But, you're surviving.

I read the poems that
Used to make me ache for you
They comforted me in a time of need
They were part of my healing

I read them again
And I no longer ache as read the words adorning the page
Words of pain and betrayal
And suffering
And I feel nothing

I think I have healed
I hope so

Bravery and courage
Lingers
In her gaze

She is stronger
Than mountains to face
Than any tragedy that hits
Her heart is faint,
But she will survive this storm

You realize it when you
See her
Fiery eyes.

Appreciate your days
Appreciate morning filled with irritation.
Appreciate sunlight.
Appreciate fresh hair.
Appreciate every **** day
like it's a gift - because
that's what it is.

Life's unpredictable
And every day you get on this earth is
A Gift.

Sometimes this journey feels so surreal
How did this even happen
Life was so normal
So plain and so ordinary
I took so much for granted
The sunlight as it stretches slowly into the room
Sunlight and basking in its presence
The wind touching one's face slightly
Caressingly
Family and how laughter can cure the deepest pains
Friendship with hearts filled with so much love and content
So much support

It's funny how we don't appreciate people
Until a tragedy
Something big
People are good
We make out as If we are the biggest fiends
As if we have darkened the world
With our pessimistic hearts
And our realization of being too naiive
You can't be naive and appreciate life for what it is in this day and age
A part of you needs to be skeptical
One feels a need to criticize "the man"
The one in charge of this mess

Nevertheless
Life is strange
However, I honour the strangeness of life
And I respect it
Without it, life would be boring
And tragedies
And crazy circumstances
We need those
To realize
We aren't just some deep messy abyss of darkness and suffering
There is a light pulling through
Open up your curtains
And see your pain trailing out
As you bask
In the Glory
Of the Majesty's mighty sunlight
As your blinded eyes
Will see again

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

My haemotologist told me today
That I'm pretty interesting
I'm quite cheeky
And I should write a book someday

As he was doing the bone marrow test
I told him my stories
Ridiculous stories from my life
The hilarious one of how I crushed my toes when I was seventeen
(don't worry, I do have toes today, but that's a story for another day)
The enchanting, exciting tale of how I broke my arm
As he was injecting into my bone
I wanted to scream
I merely told my story
"I was jumping on the trampoline and i nearly jumped on this little boy's face-"
"you jump on people's faces? Now I'm scared, girl!"
"No, no. To avoid that I... I... I jumped back..."
And then he started injecting
And needles scare the hell out of me
And I screamed
"back and back and back and back...AND BACK! OH GOD, IS IT OVER YET?"
I've dealt with so much pain, but I still can't handle needles. Cancer tries to set that fear alight, but I'm still afraid.

"No, not yet."
I guess that's what my life is
This endless amount of pain
This constant betrayal from life
"okay okay okay, I'll tell another story. Do you know I had a disease only 1% of the world gets when I was 5 and I nearly died."

He then told me some of his stories
I didn't quite listen
Because pain is unbearable
He told me a story about bananas and orthopedic surgery...
Then something about him wanting to be a singer, but him also miming in the choir like I used to
I told him I could sing
Then they wanted me to sing in the middle of that procedure
No no I am not a girl of mediocrity
If I sing, it has to be perfect
No pain making me off key
Then he said something about Neil Diamond


And then it was over
And I didn't quite complete all my stories
And he told me
"You're a smart girl
And interesting
Write a book someday
And don't give up your studies."

Six months of my life on hold
Let's see how this goes
Let's see how many stories I have to tell at the end of this
I promise you now though
My story isn't over
And one day I will write something
Something Inspiring
And something good
A classic
Well, I'm hoping


Haha, a physicist writing a book?
Let's see how this one pans out for me

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

I never thought I'd appreciate home so much... The last time I was home I was packing up for res and had long hair and life was normal. The saddest, most dramatic thing that happened thus far was a stupid heartbreak and I thought the was the end of the world. Then I got back to res and I felt strange. My diagnosis happenened and life changed complete after a man uttered three words into my life that changed my life into a series of hurdles and challenges and life completely changed. Nothing was normal. Life's focus completely changes and home is a far, distant concepts unknown to you. Home became a bubble. Home becomes a hospital room. I never knew I missed my own bedroom so much. God, you never appreciate something until it's gone do you. You don't appreciate anything until you year "you have cancer" and your greatest Fears come to life. You see your parents beg to God you'll live. You don't want to see them because you don't want reality to hit you. Then, you get home and you have to come out of this daze. This is real. This is happening. Cancer is so real and in your face. You can't avoid it anymore. This happened and you can't stay in this little positive bubble for too much longer. The bubble has burst and reality has hit you right in the face.
This happened.
But, you're surviving.

How crazy...
Tomorrow
I would've written my first exam
of second year...
Now, tomorrow
I go home after
a whole month in hospital
Crazy how life can change
in one moment...
From one man's voice...
From three words...
From one diagnosis.

It's crazy how life
Can be one thing for so long
And one moment life
Everything changes
Everything is different
And suddenly you're on a different path
Life is predictable
Don't you dare think
You can control
This whirlwind temptress
We call life

You always claimed
That I was fake
Around certain people
But only those you disliked
Around my ex
Around my best friend
Around those who made me laugh and act in a different way to you
But baby,
Do you ever think?
Maybe you were the one I was fake around
Maybe I was a lie
Or maybe you were just the control freak

The cancer card

You know what
Some people are vile
Some people are truly disgusting

I have cancer
And don't you dare
Don't you even dare say
That I am playing some kind of "card"
The cancer card as you call it

Cancer
You have no idea what's it's like to have cancer
You have no idea
Cancer comes in
With her stiletto heels
And bright gleaming eyes
Filled with intrigue at your
"normal life"
And cigarette breath
She changes your entire life in
One day
Actually, one second

When the doctor says
You may have leukemia
And tears start to bundle at your eyes
You heart screams
"no no no no no"
And you go for the blood tests
And you pray to God his assumption is
wrong
You cry all night
You don't sleep
You toss and you turn
And your best friend holds you and cries
And the next day
You find out you have cancer
You're going to have chemotherapy straight away
You're going to lose all you hair
Life is going to be hard for you now
You have cancer

Cancer isn't some joke
It isn't some card
It's not a game of snap
Or any card game
It isn't a card I play
And when I win
I win sympathy
No no no
Cancer is real
And scary
And it doesn't like to be
Ignored

A week ago
I was lost and afraid
Scared of the word cancer
Leukemia uttered into the air
That this is my life now

Crazy how life can change from one word

Now
I have Faith
I am trusting God
This is my journey back into His arms
This is me realising my name is engraved in the Palm of His Hand
And God has a purpose
He is a good Father
Who does not abandon his children
I am carrying faith in Him
I am staying positive
Because God has got this
God is in complete control
And I trust Him
With this diagnosis

I think I lost my soul mate
The man of my dreams
God please bring him back
Please tell him
Please
Please hear my prayer
I miss my best friend

I hate pining over my ex
But it's what I do
I ***** everything up

D
You
Please tell him I miss him
More than anything
I never appreciated him
God, he was such a **** gem
But I wasn't ready
Please bring him Back, God
Please

I hate anniversaries
I hate that I remember dates
I hate that it's the first of October
And I remember a year ago
The first time
My heart got broken into a million pieces
The day you destroyed me
Without a care in the world
And I haven't been quite whole since

I've realized
That I have something to thank you for
You built me up again
After he broke me
You made me better
You made me love me again

I recall that I had forgotten his abuse
I had disregarded it and
I had looked upon his pros
And i understand now how that must have made you feel
You knew how broken I was
And you built me up
And yet I still seeked him

Oh baby
I am so sorry
Please forgive me

Lord I come to You
Opening my heart to you
Filled with love
And a need for you
A need to dance with you again
Filled with a desire for you to
Let me praise you in Your Throne Room
A desire to be forgiven
For ignoring your voice
For being afraid of You
For not loving
For deliberately ignoring Your Voice
God forgive me for depending on a man
God I've been so hurt
So broken
And I am afraid of you
I am ashamed
I'm scared
.
.
.
.

Dear God
I am not afraid of You
You are My God
My Jesus
My King
My Savior
Who finds me in the floods of my sin
Flooding my heart and head
God you fill me with Your Love
With Your Glory
And you forgive
Your Blood covers me
And keeps me safe
God I am seeking Your word
I need to let go
Throw myself into Your  Love
Knowing that the war in my heart is over
Knowing that the identity that held me back is dead
I am no longer Constrained
I bask in your Glory
In Your Victory
In Your Love
No fear will surround my heart
For you are a mighty God
And the war is over
It is done
tetelestai
It is done
Let go
Let go
Let go
You are God
And You surround me

I am free in you

A tribute for those I've loved and lost to this sick battle...

Mental illness isn't a joke
It's a reality
It stares you in the eyes
Until you pay attention to her gaze
Her perfect
Crystal clear gaze

She gnaws at your existence
She begs and
pleads for your attention
Listen to your anxiety
Why are you like this
What is wrong with you
Your skin
Your body

Theres something wrong with you
Yes I know ******!!
Can't you see it in my eyes I know
I'm filled with fear
And tension
And this inability to love again
Because fear gnaws at my every whim

Desire to speak out
Is hushed
By illness

Mental illness is real
Mental illness is breaking down
Quietly
Without even a whisper
And nobody knows the pain inside

Mental illness is seeing something ugly
Mental illness is hating every inch of yourself
Mental illness is giving up
Mental illness is a reality

I wake up
Slowly
And I peak out
Into the pale pink light
Outlining the buildings outside my window
I look out at God's work
Bewildered by its glory
And then
Ever so quickly
I drift off back to sleep
After basking in His beauty

I miss that shirt
Every
Single
Day
I miss the way it wrapped around me
I miss the way it touched my skin
I miss the way it fit perfectly
I miss the way it was all I needed and more
But I threw it away
Because I didn't care
Because I was reckless and stupid
That was a one of a kind shirt
Something special
To be treasured and loved
And appreciated
But now it's gone
And there's nothing I can do
But mourn at its absense
And regret it
Every
Single
Day.

You didn't stay long enough
To see the jasmine
Blossom
outside your room
It's beautiful
You know
And you're missing it
Because you left
You let me goqqq
You told me i was the one
The day you gave me that bracelets
The Armour of God
Something you mother
had told you to give to
"the one"
I still have it
Because in my heart
I believe I'm her
I still think I'm the one
And you've let go for a little while
I'm hoping you come back
I really am
You'll be able to see the jasmine bloom
It'll be beautiful
By the time you return
After its been
alone
For quite some time

I miss you
Every single day
I can't help it
I'm realizing now
I never appreciated you
You were so good to me
And I gave you hell
Because I wasn't ready
I miss you more than anything

When you left
I let go
Of him
And held onto the thought
Of you

Take me to Neverland
so I can fly
far, far away
from here...

From broken hearts
and dreams
that don't come true

Take me to infinite youth
and laughter
that never ceases

Take me
away
from here

I'm so alone
I'm so tired
I miss you
I feel so scared
So anxious
Help me

I found a semi colon
Made of two stones
on the beach
A few months ago
It made me happy inside then
Because you were beside me
And I loved you with all I was

And when I found these again
It gave me a glimpse of hope.
Because maybe
second chances do exist
And maybe things will be okay again
Maybe you won't give up again
Maybe you'll strive
and you'll...
You'll be stronger the next time round.
You won't give up.
You can do this.
I hope you come back...
To who you used to be.

I thought
I should throw away those roses
You gave me
The dead ones
That I've kept for a year now
I thought it would be really empowering
Maybe I'd let go
But then I didn't throw them away
And they're still sitting in my room
Dead
Just like us

What a daze she was in...
Wasn't it all just a dream?
Take me back to carefree times
where no ties were made
and friendship was free,
feelings were buried
and love was slow.

Dear Kewan

I miss you
I really do
And this isn't a cry out because I'm lonely
Or feeling sorry for myself
I miss you
I miss the you who was so in love with me
Who wouldn't give up in arguments
I miss the you I would get irritated with
Because I wasn't ready for a relationship
I miss the you I'd scream at
And push away
When all you wanted to do was love me
Oh Kewan
I miss you
And pushed you over the edge
Please don't meet someone
Please
Please wait for me
Wait for me to heal properly this year
All I ever needed was time
All I ever needed was time alone
Before you stepped in the moment he left
I needed to grieve him
I never had a chance to
We rushed into a relationship
Too fast
Kewan please wait for me
Please
We had wrong timing
That was all
God
Please let him see what I see now
Please God
Please let him miss me
Please please please
Come back to me

Wrong timing
It ruins
Everything
Why couldn't it be a few months later?
Why
Why
Why

Please God
Please God
Don't let him meet someone
Please let him wait for me to heal
Please
It was wrong timing God
Please

Dear whoever

Please show him these letters

Dear You

I wish I met you first
Before Damian
I wish you chatted me up first
I wish you were my first everything
We would have been perfect
No issues
No Damian
We would've done it right

dear you

You treated me like a queen
And I pushed you away
I know I did
And you did too
You knew I deliberately pushed
Because I knew I wasn't ready
I pushed you to the edge
I'm so sorry

Dear you.                                      11/08/2018

I wish you had waited.
I wish you didn't fall in love with me
So quickly
I wish you kept your feelings to yourself
I wish that I had left you alone
I wish we had let our friendship take a break
The day I wanted to end our friendship
When the thought of you being friends with Damian... Made me so insecure
And I knew that day
Being involved with you was wrong
I needed to heal
I needed time for myself
To be alone
I wish I had told you then that you should leave me alone for a few months
You and I being friends was never healthy
Memories of Damian lingered in every single conversation of ours
Every single time we kissed
I couldn't heal properly
I knew you were my connection to him
I wanted so badly to prove to him that I was happy without him
I took your phone and posted those statuses
Because I wanted him to see
And you knew that
I know you did
I'm sorry I used you
But you allowed me to

You came into my life
Wanting heal this broken girl
I don't know why
I don't know if you had a plan
If your intentions were ever pure
I don't know
But I wish we had put it on hold

I wish you came now
It's nearly a year since Damian and I now
Now would've been a good time
If I had cast you away
That day I felt so insecure
And met up now
We would've had magic
Oh you could make me laugh
God, I miss laughing with you

But I wasn't ready for a serious relationship so soon after Damian
You know I wasn't ready
But you persisted
You begged
And eventually I caved
And I went with the flow
I let you kiss me
I let you touch me
I let my inhibitions go
I let go of my purity
And I let you take everything
Without as much as a thought

It was a mistake
All of it
I was never ready
And I know you know that

I hope you know
You'll always be known
As the guy
Who made his parents break up with me
Because you were a coward
People scoff at this story
Because it's unbelievable
Truly

I miss you
God
I miss him so much
Am I really such a ***** up

You preyed on
my vulnerability
You took
what you could
of me
Physically
And you took
*everything